Since Will's family moved in, life has been both chaotic and yet somehow more comfortable. In a way I can't describe, the house has felt more like home with everyone here. Although most days I isolate myself while the house buzzes around me, the days are ultimately more comfortable and brighter. With Will here, it feels like my life is complete again. Before I started isolating myself, we were always together doing something chill or fun if we weren't at school or planning to fight Vecna.
Most weekdays, Will and I ride our bikes to school, Holly tagging along with us since the elementary school is on the way. We drop Holly off at the front door where she usually runs up the main stairs, arms daintily flailing at her side as her hair and dress bounce with every step. She almost always wore dresses. They were her favorite. She was your average girly girl. Dresses, hair, all the jazz. She was a nerd like me though, she was into a lot of different nerdy things... Girly nerdy things, like Rainbow Bright. She's been really into this one book she is reading in school, too. A wrinkle in Time. I am proud of her for this one. It's not extremely feminine, yet it entertains her enough to have her nose in that book at all times.
She was similar to Nancy too. She liked to write in her diary; she loved shoes and clothes in every color. She loved to carefully and intentionally pick out outfits that fit her personality perfectly, but in a way that was juvenile, flower-like yet classy. She was naive and innocent, yet feisty when it came to bullies like Derek Tombow. Although she was growing taller like me by the day, she reminded me more of Nancy than myself. But I secretly took pride in and felt accomplished by the fact Holly was a nerd, just like her big brother. She sure is living up to the Wheeler name.
I however was not. I haven't told a soul, but I've been struggling deep down. The trauma, the flashbacks, the PTSD, the night sweats, I haven't been handling things well at all. Anything could come after us at any moment. Loved ones or ourselves could be wiped out before we even know it. We could come home to blood splattered walls, limbs hanging from the fan, any day. I'm suffering. but I'm not one to admit that to anyone else. I feel pathetic and weak. All the others have their respective strengths, but I have nothing. All I have to show is my ex-girlfriend. Who beat the shit out of the mind flyer and Vecna. I have no right to be shoving my phycological issues into everyone's business when they all have their own things to deal with and heal from. There is no room for me to breakdown because i haven't even been through the worst of it.
Holly was ultimately clueless as to what's going on. For her and our parents, life was only chaotic because they were housing another family. For me, the days felt heavier and were filled with unknown anticipation. Hawkins was completly different now since our town split in four. It affected everyone, but of course the oblivious people, my parents and Holly included, were less affected because they didnt understand and had faith in our government. The military and other men I didn't recognize took over everything. Our everyday lives were now dictated by soldiers who think they can protect us. People who think they are in control and on top of things. If only they knew what we knew. How all of this is completely unmanageable and has been lurking in the background for what felt like forever.
A huge base has been set up in the middle of Hawkins, making life seem even more unreal. The MAC-Z, or military access control zone was where they think theyre containing everything, but theres no way they ever could. Things have been dormant for a while. Therefore, they think they have it under control. But we know Vecna has other plans. We know he is healing, rebuilding, planning. Will can feel it. He hasn't had a feeling in a while, but we know this isnt over. El can't find him in the void or anywhere. But we know its only a matter of time before he comes back to finsih what he started. I dont know what is going on, but I know there's things people arent telling me. Something feels off. It always feels this way. I think everyone is trying to put it off and ignore it, but everyone is terrified. Mortified by the thought of what is coming for us.
In the MAC-Z, the military is doing something secret. The public isn't allowed close to the base. They have it completely guarded and locked down. We have suspicions that Vecna is inside. Things have been so quiet, we assume he is hiding. We dont know everything, but our crew does know the military also has a base in the Upside Down. El and the others, along with Joyce and Hopper, conduct "crawls" where El and Hopper go into the Upside Down and sweep a certain territory looking for Vecna or clues as to what's going on. There are guards all around and El and Hop have to be extremely careful to not get detected. El has been training to fight Vecna, but I have doubts about it. I know she is a very strong, smart and skillful superhero, but we failed the first time. I just hope all this training pays off.
****
It's Monday morning, and I reluctantly crawl out of bed to my alarm I've snoozed 5 times already. I can't hit snooze again; it only snoozes 5 times. School used to be my piece of normal. Outside of school, the tone imminently always drained back to reality. The cloud over my world rolls back in the second I step outside of Hawkins High. But now school too has been a drag. The days are long and boring and filled with worry rather than focus like it used to be. As a child, all this Upside Down nonsense felt cool and empowering but now were not naive little kids anymore. We know we can't handle this. We know the outcome of this could be disastrous for the whole world, not just Hawkins. The weight of it all was crushing me now. I couldn't focus on school or anything anymore. My little piece of normal transformed into a crumb, then into nothing. Like Vecna possessed my happiness and mutilated it just like it did to all those kids like Chrissy.
Even though Will was back, and school felt like it used to, I still couldn't focus outside of my worry and racing thoughts. Along with Hawkins, I also have something inside I can't quite pinpoint. An internal demon has been rearing his horned head into my field of thought. I push it off, because we have bigger issues at hand.
As I stand from my mattress and stretch in my darkened room, I can see my silhouette in the mirror. I've lost some weight from not being able to eat. I hope no one notices. I walk forward, now facing my mirror, something I stopped doing. I lean over, hands supporting my weight on the dresser. I look deeply at the vision I see in front of me in the mirror. I notice how my eyes have sunken in and have darkened slightly. I notice my cheekbones protruding. Great. I had been hoping no one could notice. If they did notice, no one showed too much that they did. I walk to my closet which is already open and clothes strung everywhere. I rummage through to find an outfit but I am reluctant to put it on. The utter laziness I feel in the morning has been killer. I can't do anything without feeling like I just wanna crawl in bed and waste away.
Slowly I begin to force my head through the hole. Then one arm. Then the other. I avoid touching my body as I pull the shirt down over my stomach. I reach for my pants, and as I'm one leg deep in progression my doorknob rattles. I immediately panic and fall to the floor, more so trying to hide myself than falling. The door opens. It's Will.
"Mike- oh-" With one hand on the door, he whips his head away and pinches the bridge of his nose with the other. "God, I- I'm sorry, you're usually dressed by now" he says awkwardly, still averting his eyes and scratching the back of his head. "Uh... Your mom said to come up here and tell you breakfast is getting cold and we're gonna be late if you don't come down, like, now." He says not making eye contact with me... who's huddled on the floor hiding behind his bed like a baby.
"Yeah, so I'll let you get to it." He says awkwardly, bumping his hands together, taking a step and leaving.
I hurry up getting dressed, stopping by the bathroom to pee. Once out of the bathroom, I fling my backpack on my back and head for the stairs. I pause a moment, take a deep breath and begin my clunky descend down the stairs. I walk straight into the kitchen and find everyone rushing around. The breakfast on the table was mostly scraps, with two waffles on a plate. I grab them and sandwich them together as if I'm going to eat them, but really I'm just going with the flow. Most mornings I wake up nauseous and can hardly choke down water let alone food. I shove a bite into my dehydrated mouth. The waffles are soft at first but immediately start to feel dry and inedible as I chew. I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet or took a drink, my whole body felt super dehydrated. Yet I thought I could choke down a waffle...
I spit it out into the trash can immediately and throw the rest of the waffles in my hand away. My mom sees and gives me a look of disapproval. "I left them too long, they were cold!" I spit out before turning for the back door.
Holly and Will are already on their bikes waiting for me. I hear them giggling as I walk up. They stop and turn to me as I approach them. Holly smiles and Will gives a half smile but looks away. Embarrassed by what Will almost saw this morning, I struggle to look at him but smile at Holly. I could tell he sensed my embarrassment. Will understood most things without having to be told. Plus, he was embarrassed too. His body language spoke for itself; he didn't have to say it.
Our ride begins quiet until Holly begins to speak.
"Turn it on, Mike!" She says brightly. Referring to the radio I had tied to the front of my handlebars. Every morning, we listened to WSQK The Squawk on our way to school. I reach forward and turn the knob to the station and allow the radio to find the signal perfectly. Within seconds the music comes into tune and Holly is merrily bobbing and swaying to some girly song on the radio as we pedal our way to Holly's elementary school. Will and I stay quiet, embarrassed by the song we have blaring on the radio, but also amused by Holly's reckless driving as she sways to the tune.
On our way to Holly's school, the only one speaking was Holly's little voice singing to the radio. Will was quiet. Usually he's not as quiet. I pinned it on the fact that he walked in on me half naked this morning. We were both embarrassed, right? Lately, I have been the quiet one, so my silence was the new normal.
We reach Holly's school. Will and I protectively watch as Holly chains up her bike and runs off with her friends by the playground.
"Bye, Holly, don't let dipshit Derek ruin your day!" Will calls to Holly. Holly turns around and gives Will a sassy smirk before continuing her frolic to the play yard.
Will chuckles and turns to me, but with big brother duty over, my mind loses control and slips inside of itself. Auto pilot kicks in. I enter a trance and dissociate for the rest of the ride. The Squawk plays a good variety of music, so I never have to turn it off to avoid embarrassment. Will and I usually have some sort of conversation on our way to school. Usually about the school day ahead, or about our plans for the next crawl. Today was different. Not every day did I dissociate but today was one of those days. And today was exceptionally hard to pull myself out of.
By the time we reach the High School, I notice I've done it again. I don't know if it's the trauma, the obsessive thoughts, or the lack of sleep keeping me from being in the moment. All I can think about is what happened, what has come of it and what we're all about to go through once something happens again. Which we all dread the fact we know it will. I've stopped living life and have now reduced myself to just surviving it. Every day is the same. Have trouble sleeping, wake up nauseous, go all day without eating, live in constant stagnant fear of the imminent doom, fear the failure you see in the mirror, attempt a meal, try to sleep, repeat. We all fear the worst. We all are trying to stop existence from ceasing.
"Mike, where are you going, the bike rack is right here." Will's voice snaps me out of my head and into life again. I barely noticed us arriving at school, dismounting our bikes on the sidewalk or walking to the bike rack. Auto pilot was a heck of a thing.
"Oh, right." I try to play it off, but it's so hard to hide the fact im losing my mind.
"You okay? You were quiet the whole ride here. You didn't even say bye to Holly." Will said as I walked my bike over, put the chain through the body of the bike and closed the lock. Will did the same, his eyes focusing on me as he locks his bike.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just tired. I haven't gotten much sleep the past few days." I lied- well sort of. I couldn't stop worrying. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't sleep.
"Mike, I can tell you're not okay, you don't have to hide it. We're best friends." Wills voice sounds concerned. It's hard to look up at him, but I glance up for a moment and can see the concern on his face. He's just standing there, hands together in front of him, looking at me. "Mike." He says when I don't answer.
I was desperate to avoid my problems. I'd do anything to avoid them even if it meant hurting my best friend.
"Will, will you just drop it okay? I promise I'm fine. There's a lot on my mind with everything. You don't have to hover over me!" I snapped. Will winces slightly and his eyes flutter in a way that makes my stomach drop. I never wanted to see him wince because of me. He looked stunned and speechless.
"I- I'm sorry, I-" He stutters.
"I'm sorry, just- just leave me alone, okay? I need to be alone." I interrupt him out of desperation to escape this scenario. I'm not one to face my inner demons.
I hurriedly walk away from him to get to the back of the school. I needed space to think and rest. The house was always so full, and I never really felt alone. Even in my bedroom, my mom sometimes just walks in if I don't remember to lock it. This place was private. This place was somewhere no one ever came. I started coming here when Will first left to escape the empty feeling the school had since Will was gone. The patch of grass surrounded half by the brick wall of the school and half by a wooded area was the perfect secluded place I needed for myself. Here, I allowed myself to feel. I always had up a wall, but here the wall dissipated into the comforting atmosphere of the woods.
Usually, Will and I meet up with Lucas and Dustin, but today I needed space. I assumed Will went to find the rest of the group on his own. I sat in my small paradise, back against the brick of the school, looking out but not really looking at anything through the trees. My sight didnt matter when my mind was taking over. The blank, dead stare on my face remained as if I were in a trance. I sat just thinking about everything. The silence and stillness eased my mind into a state where my feelings took over. Something that rarely happened.
I thought about what had just happened when Will and I locked our bikes up. The way I snapped at him and how he reacted to it. It was small, but he wasn't expecting it and I could tell it took him by surprise. A negative surprise. I felt the stress of the hurt I must have caused him. He was my best friend and he only wanted to check in on me. He was the only one in the house that cared about me. The emotional part of me. And I had him wincing at my reaction to him caring about me. I felt like such an idiot. Will was delicate, sensitive. Something about him wasn't like the other guys, I could tell.
I know he probably felt like I was farther away again, like when he was in California and I was here in Hawkins. That distance between us wasn't only physical. I could feel it strain the both of us. Without him here nothing felt right. It felt empty. It felt like a barren desert. I missed him. I missed him in a way I couldn't put into words. Life felt harder without him- hopeless. Every day I went through mental hell and I wished he'd come back. I needed my best friend. But he was safer there and I knew it was what was best for him. That hurt. I took it too personal. I know it wasn't personal, but I don't know how to describe the hurt I felt that he wasn't here with me anymore.
I thought about the Upside Down, the MAC-Z, the demos, Vecna and everything else that had happened to everyone in our group. I thought about Max in a coma. The racing thoughts, the flashbacks, the blood, the loss, the endless spiraling worry... and the actual lack of sleep were catching up to me. I hadn't noticed how wet my face was nor had I noticed how tense my body was. Tears were streaming down my face and my body convulsing with every cry I let out. I never cried like this. My body reacted before my brain could. I sat on the grass against the brick wall breaking down. But at least no one could her me out here.
I couldn't move my body. I was paralyzed by my breakdown, but I was thankful no one could see me like this. I don't know how much time had passed; I hadn't looked at my watch since this morning before we left. After some time passed, I found myself with my knees up to my chest, elbows resting on them with my face tucked in my arms. A mixture of tears and snot dripping from my face. I was actually tired and crying made my eyes hard to keep open. I laid down in the grass just for a moment, using my backpack as a pillow.
I hadn't planned on falling asleep and staying asleep for as long as I did, but I was woken up to Lucas calling the group over to me.
"Guys, I found him, he's over here!" Lucas bellowed to the others who were around the side of the school.
As I sit up, the sun hits my eyes and I squint. It takes me a second to situate myself upward against the brick wall again.
"You were here all day? We were looking for you, man!" Lucas says looking down at me as the others walk up to us.
"I-I" I croak, eyes squinty, but am cut off by Dustin laughing his squeaky giggle and pointing at me. We hardly heard his high pitch laugh since Eddie passed.
"Hah! You were here all day?" Dustin injects. "My, god Mike, you look terrible." I wince at the observation.
I was embarrassed, emotional and groggy from just waking up from a lengthy nap. A nap that lasted the entirety of the school day. I could feel my eyes were puffy from crying before I fell asleep. I raised my arm, using my hand to block the sun. Really, I just didn't want anyone to see my swollen eye lids.
"I only laid down for a second..." I said confused. I looked up to see everyone looking down at me smiling and laughing.
"More than a second, don't you think?" Lucas smirks and turns back to the group, giving me privacy to get up.
I look around, looking for Will. I see him standing behind the others with his hands down Infront of him again. He does that when he's nervous. Sometimes, when he's really nervous, he fidgets with the sleeve of his shirt or jacket. He was looking at the ground in front of him, not at me. I knew that meant I had done something to him earlier.
I take a deep breath in, twisting to crack my back. Bending over to pick up my backpack, I notice Will still looking nervous. I sling the bag on my back and smile at the other guys as if to say I'm ready to go. They nod and we begin walking around to the front of the school where the bikes are. I hesitantly look at Will. He notices the hesitation and hesitates to look back. He shyly gives me a half smile and returns his focus to the ground in front of him as he walks. I follow slightly behind.
"I hope I actually see you tomorrow, Mike." Dustin laughs as he grabs his bike and turns to leave with Lucas.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Wheeler. Don't scare us like that again." Lucas calls as he pedals away. Probably off to go visit Max in the hospital.
After Dustin and Lucas leave, the awkwardness between Will and I is immense. We stand there for a second as if collecting ourselves, mentally preparing for the ride home. I wasn't prepared for this ride home. I wasn't prepared for any of this. Will and I had a connection I couldn't describe. When there was strain, there was stormy weather- figuratively speaking. I hated these times where there were awkwardness and strain. Especially now that we live together. Even the nights in my bedroom felt like hell. I couldn't escape it.
"Uh, how was your day?" Will interrupts the silence as we make our way to Holly's school to pick her up.
"Relaxing, I guess" I lie with a forced half-smile. Maybe it was the sleep I desperately needed, maybe I just relaxed into Will's presence but all of a sudden, the atmosphere felt lighter for a second. Like I could actually breathe. "I think I really needed that nap."
You can visibly see the weight lift off Wills shoulders as he turns to me and smiles with some relief.
"How was your day?" I add.
"Uh, boring, I guess. Normal? I don't know, it was just normal." He speaks. That word didn't connotate correctly for me anymore. Normal. "Lunch absolutely sucked and I'm starving right now." He chuckles.
"Yeah, that's why I stopped eating it." I realize what I said could present how I'm struggling with my diet. I pray he doesn't notice.
"You know I notice you barely eating anymore, right?" He looks at me as we ride our bikes down a straight path. Shit. "Actually, about that, are you okay? I- I don't wanna press or anything-" He shrugs. "-it's just I'm worried for you, we all are worried. About you I mean.
I look down briefly, then focus on the road ahead of us to think a moment. I'm not sure how to answer him. I can't just say that I'm struggling and wouldn't care if I died right now. It would prove how much of a bitch I am. I don't want to worry him or anyone either. If anyone even would worry.
"Yeah." An obvious lie. "I just haven't been feeling too good, so I haven't really been eating much. Not much of an appetite."
An awkward pause grows. I can tell he doesn't really believe me.
"But I can tell somethings not right, Mike. I mean with everything we've all been through, I don't doubt you struggle on the inside." He knows. "I do. We all do. And you've been distant lately. For too long. I know that's not good, you're usually never this distant this long." Will says with concern in his voice. I see him turn to look at me once more before looking ahead again as we pedal down a hill. I can't look at him. I feel complexed. I don't know how to put into words... or thoughts... but it's not just the Upside Down. All of life feels complexed.
Lately, Will has been showing a bit more concern for me. Out of everyone in the whole world, Will is and always was the only soul that seemed to notice when things aren't right with me. Even though he doesn't know how to help, and I've been so distant lately, he keeps us connected somehow. All the time spent in my room; he still finds a way to keep us from drifting too far apart. For that I'm forever grateful.
I stay quiet the rest of the way to Holly. Once we reach her school, we make our way over to the benches where Will and I wait for her to come out and grab her bike. Once we're sat on the benches, Will turns to me.
"Mike-" I cut him off
"I know I've been distant lately. And it's not your fault, I don't want you to think that-" He cuts me off.
"I don't think it's because of me, Mike. I've noticed you withdrawing from everything, from life." He looks desperately at me. "It's like we're losing you again. Like I'm losing you again. I don't want to lose my best friend."
I look at him, focusing on the dismay on his face. I don't want to worry him, he's been through so much more than me.
"Every day, you barely eat, I can tell you're not sleeping. You stay in your room most of the time and you hardly interact with us when we're all hanging out, IF you do hang out with us." He amplifies his voice.
"Will, I-"
"No, just listen to me! I'm worried about you, Mike. We all are. Dustin, Lucas, even Jonathan and Steve have asked one of us in the group about you. Nancy doesn't know, Dustin doesn't know, I don't know. I don't know, Mike. I don't know what's wrong with you and you're my best friend. I thought we agreed that we would always be a team. And goddamnit Mike, for the first time you're struggling so deeply and you're not telling anyone, not even me! You've always told me everything. Ever since we were kids! You said we're a team. How can we be a team if you're not telling me stuff!"
Will never got this upset over things. I only hear him raise his voice over D&D or those few arguments we got into during my relationship with El. I hadn't noticed how much my absence was getting to him. I forgot how serious he took our friendship. It's like he depended on it. He's proven multiple times in the past that our friendship is highly valued to him. We were always best friends, but since I started dating El, he's gotten so moody and emotional. I'm always so careful with him, but with my mental state, I guess I've been neglecting him.
I looked at Will, not knowing what to say to that. It hurt hearing him in this much distress. Especially over me. He notices my hesitation to speak.
"Mike, what's wrong?" He asks defeated. A desperate last attempt at getting me to come clean.
"The truth is-" I begin but the tears catch in my throat and before I can even accept it, I'm crying. The overwhelming amount of care Will is showing me right now is too much for me to handle. There's so much inside clawing to get out, but I can't let it.
I stand there trying to pull back the tears, but I can't even see at this point. Through the tears choking my speech, I try to say something, but I don't even know what I'm trying to say. This is so pathetic. So unlike me. I feel so small. I can't keep standing here looking like a baby. Will watches worriedly as I hop on my bike and pedal away faster than I probably should in the grass, leaving him there to wait for my sister and bring her home safely.
"Mike, Wait!" I can hear Will protest behind me, but I don't turn around. I just pedal, the tires slipping in the grass, but I keep pedaling. The world seems to move in slow motion as I speed up down the street. I pedal so fast, it's as if I were trying to run away from my own thoughts.
I think about how I just left Will to pick up my sister. He hated being alone and now he had to be alone and responsible... for MY sister. I can't believe myself. I feel so pathetic. I pedal faster and faster until I reach the house. I throw my bike to the side, rush in the door and run straight upstairs. My mom peeks in the kitchen but it's as if no one were even there. Within seconds, I've locked myself in my room once again.
"Mike? Where's Will and Holly?" Mom yells up the stairs. I ignore her.
Behind my door, I throw my bag to the floor and let myself fall backwards on my bed. Staring up at the ceiling I let my thoughts spiral. I can't be bothered to fight them anymore. Everything was just too heavy. Minutes pass before I blink, the room seems to spin faster and faster the more i think about it. Slipping into the darkness of my mind, I hear a knock on my locked door.
"Mike! Where is Holly and Will?" Mom's now at my door shouting and banging. I can tell she's both mad and worried. "You need to tell me these things, Michael!" She adds.
I pick up my head from the bed, too lazy to actually sit up and answer my mother. "I had to use the bathroom really bad so Will waited for Holly! Jesus mom!" I yell back. Letting some of my frustration out on her.
"Well, I need to know these things, Michael, with everything going on in this town I don't trust Holly out there alone!" Her disapproval adds to my lingering depressive episode.
I feel a tear roll down the side of my face as I lay my head back on the bed and close my eyes. I feel that overwhelming feeling in my throat again as tears force themselves down my face. I let my best friend down, I'm keeping things from him, I'm making him feel alienated again. I can't stand myself. I promised him we wouldn't get like this again. After California, we promised we would always stay close, best friends... a team. I can tell he feels like were slipping away again. I think he's taking it personal. I was never an emotional guy. I was always able to choke it down until it disappeared. He's probably thinking things that aren't true. He's probably thinking that I don't want to be a part of this anymore. Or be his best friend anymore.
I couldn't admit it to anyone, but I had so many demons inside. So much has happened, not just with Hawkins and Vecna. El and I broke up, Max is in a Coma, Dustin is struggling with the loss of Eddie. Our group is falling apart. I'm so afraid that this will be the end of us. All this with Hawkins and the Upside Down I fear will tear us apart. We're all already occupied with other things in life, it's only a matter of time, or one bad thing to happen and boom, were all strangers.
Another spiraling thought I keep having is about Will. Since we were kids and he went missing, something stopped in me. As if my heart is only beating at half capacity now. I thought I lost him. We watched him get pulled out of the river lifeless. We saw the pain he felt when we burned the mind flayer out. I watched my best friend go through something horrific and unimaginable, and I didn't even see it all. So much more must have happened while he was hiding in the Upside Down, he never talks about it. He has so much more trauma than me and he is still so strong.
I admire Will a lot. He went through hell and back and still smiles everyday. I can't believe all the times I've hurt him. When I went to visit them in California, I remember seeing them all in the airport. I ran straight to El because she was my girlfriend, but Will looked like he was unintentionally going in for the first hug.
That whole visit felt off. Like Will was withholding something. And I treated him so badly. At rink o mania, I barely talked to Will, except when he tried to tell me about El, which lead to an argument. I felt so bad for letting him out like that. He never would have done that to me and he definitely didn't deserve that.
That was the start of mine and El's decline. While I was in Lenora, El and I argued a lot over a couple things. One was the fact that she lied to me about Angela and all her other "friends". Another was how El got herself involved with the police by attacking Angela with a roller skate. And the biggest one of all was the fact that in the letters I wrote her, I never signed it 'Love Mike.' She felt that meant something. And I guess in the end, it did. When we broke up, It was El's idea. She could see how our relationship was like a dark cloud hovering over both of us. She knew the outcome of everything may not be in her favor. She didn't want me to lose the love of my life. Just a friend. It didn't hurt as much losing a friend than a lover. She wanted me to start moving on because she felt like there was uncertainty in our future together. Plus she felt my heart was somewhere else. Though we broke up, El and I still have hopes of getting back together and moving far away from Hawkins. If we make it out.
I couldn't stop thinking about Will. I didn't know why, but he was mostly what was on my mind in this moment. I wondered if Holly and him were on their way home. What street were they on right now? Was there trouble, did anything happen while I wasn't there? Oh my god, what if Vecna got Will again, or what if a demo emerged from the woods and killed both of them in one quick swipe?
Still laying on my back, I place the palms of my hands over my eyes and rub as tears start falling again. My hands slipping over my eye sockets and cheeks as the tears make my face a slippery mess. How could I treat my best friend like this? The old Mike never would have left Will. Or Holly. The old Mike would have walked with a suit of armor, ready to fight off even a squirrel that looked at Will the wrong way. Old Mike was protective over his friend. Old Mike loved his best friend.
That hit me in a strange way. Everyone loved their best friend, but something about Will felt different. I know that but I can never figure out why. Will has always been there with me, right by my side. The group started out as just Will and I, and that's what I blame it on. He was special because he was the first. Then came Dustin, then Lucas. It was a brotherly love, right? Was that it? We met when we were really small, we grew up always with each other, and now he literally lives with me. It didn't feel right saying brother though. Will did not feel like my brother.
Deep in contemplation, I am snapped back by Holly giggling as she stomps to her room. Probably to listen to music, check her hair and play dress up. They're home. I sit up immediately and listen at the door to see if I could hear Will's voice. Holly was giggling, so I know nothing bad has happened. A weight lifted off my shoulders.
I press my ear against the door. I hear mom and Will talking in the kitchen.
"Yeah, he just asked if I could pick up Holly and left." Will.
"He ran right up the stairs, I didn't even see him. I went upstairs like "where's Holly and Will"? Said he ran home because he had to-" Her voice drifted off but I know she said something embarrassing. I heard Will chuckle ad then I stopped listening. I walked away from the door and lay back on my bed. Will was home with Holly, but now I'm left with the rest of my worries. I turn on my side, clutching the blanket in front of me. I was exhausted again. I close my eyes and drift away yet again.
"MIKE, DINNER" I wake abruptly to Holly yelling for me to come and eat.
I groan. I realize I was asleep again. And I wasn't hungry either. But I haven't eaten all day. Before I go down to face everyone, I open the bathroom door and yawn as I stop infront of the mirror. I look tired, malnourished. I don't even know who this is anymore looking back at me. I reach for the faucet to turn on the cold water. I roll up my sleeves and splash my face with the cold water. The hand towel to the side of me is soft against my skin. I fix my hair a bit, pee and go downstairs. Everyone's already sat down. Joyce, Jonathan, Dad, Mom, Nancy, Holly and Will. I take my seat as everyone chatters amongst themselves. Will glances at me as he's talking to his mom. His mood changes from normal and happy to nervous and quiet.
I start picking up the dishes and taking small portions for my plate. The sight of food makes me nauseous and smelling it makes me want to barf. I take my fork and nervously pick up a piece of carrot. A vegetable shouldnt be so bad, they're healthy right? I am able to chew and swallow but it wasn't a good experience. I smile and act like I'm listening to everyone as I eat. I chew the same morsel of food for minutes before I swallow to give the illusion I'm eating. Hoping everyone is too into their conversations to notice. In a busy house, if you dont speak up you wont be heard.
Most people are done, and I still have most of the food on my plate. I hope no one notices. All but a few of us are at the table by now and I try to hurry up eating, but that backfires on me. I can't swallow anymore, I can't chew anymore and the mush in my mouth is going to make me sick! I can't stand it anymore. I get up quickly, my chair making a loud screech on the floor. In a hurry I grab my plate, throw it away and run upstairs to the bathroom to vomit, slamming the door behind me.
Joyce and my mom are cleaning up, Nancy helping too. Will sitting at the table still with Johnathan. Holly and Dad in the living room watching TV. Holly and Dad didnt notice, but everyone else paused as they watched me escape upstairs with my hand over my mouth. Will looks at Johnathan with worry and Mom rushes upstairs. Will takes over mom's place cleaning up.
I vomit the contents of my stomach into the toilet. All the progress of eating gone in seconds. I immediately feel a wave of relief cross over my body and stomach.
"Mike? You okay in there hunny?" Mom says gently through the door.
"Yeah, just not feeling well. Haven't been all day. I'll be okay!" I lie.
"You sure? Want me to come in there and... rub your back?" I appreciate the effort, but no.
"No, mom, really im fine." I lie again
"I could get you some water or something, you sure you're okay?" Mom sounds a little relieved, but still worried. She was always a good mom.
"No, mom, I'm okay. Thank you though. Just go down stairs, please. Im going to shower." I'm not okay, but I am going to sit in the shower. I stand from hugging the toilet and grab a washcloth and towel and place it over the side of the tub.
I put my hand on the handle of the faucet. I have no energy to shower, but I needed to freshen up sooner or later. I'll take it step by step. I turn on the hot water and wait for it to heat up with my fingers in the flow of water. The temperature gets hotter and hotter, but I don't move my hand. The heat feels comforting, yet painful and it made me feel something other than beside myself.
Steam was coming off the water at this point, and I can no longer take the pain. I pull my hand back and stand up. I hold my hand for a second with my brows furrowed then begin to undress. I take off my shoes, which I never even kicked off since coming home. My socks follow along with my sweater and shirt. All that's left is my belt, pants and underwear. I undo my belt but have a flash back to this morning when Will walked in on me. I felt ashamed, yes, but also like I was naked in front of a girl I liked. I shake it away and try to focus on the sound of the water and the heat from the hot shower.
I am standing right before the shower, naked and unmotivated to move. I felt more pathetic. I shook the thought and stepped inside. The warm water hitting me like little fireworks exploding kisses against my skin. I close my eyes in tranquility and let the water wash away what ever it could. I forget about everything and my mind blossoms into a place I havent seen in a while. A quiet place in my mind that isnt jammed packed with regret, worry and depression. I imagine myself in a paradise like setting with a beach with crystal waters, palm trees and the sun as bright as can be. I can almost smell the salt and feel the breeze on my face and as I drift further into my daydream.
Before I know it, I'm sorely shaken by almost falling because I left the weight of my body slip under my feet. That was nice while it lasted. I take a moment to come back to reality, then grab the washcloth I placed on the side of the tub earlier. Bubbles grow along my skin as I scrub away the day... or many days. I rinse off and soap up my hair. I rinse off again quick and am left standing with myself and my thoughts again. No focus on scrubbing, just me and the water.
The silence grows too loud and I need a change of scenery. I turn off the water and step out. I dry my hair roughly with the towel, then wrap it around my waste. I walk over to the mirror and look at myself. That did improve something. But now where were my clothes? I hadn't had time to grab a change of clothes before running in here to throw up. I grabbed my dirty clothes with one hand and held the towel closed with the other. With the hand of clothes, I managed to open the door.
I peeked out to check if the coast was clear. The coast was clear. Until it wasn't. I was halfway to my bedroom when I heard footsteps in front of me. I look up to see none other than Will.
Through wet hair, I make eye contact with him for a split second before we both look away, faces bright red.
"I-uh... why does this keep happening" Will questions, scratching his neck and turning away, shaken and flustered. He walks away back downstairs without another word. Oh god. He saw me like this... I'm frozen in the hallway a second before I realize I need to move before im spotted again.
I hurry to my room and shut the door behind me. Will saw me naked... well almost naked... again. In my bedroom, I can finally relax again. I throw the dirty clothes in the laundry basket and sit on my bed. I gather my thoughts a second and stand back up. I start pacing, wondering what Will saw and what he thought. He probably saw my scrawny body, ribs and hip bones protruding out and got freaked out. I don't blame him, I do look freakishly skinny.
My towel falls as I'm pacing and that flips me out of the flow of thoughts. I ruffle through my drawer, looking for just the right pair of fresh underwear. I slip a pair on and begin looking for my lounge pants and t shirt. Once I'm dressed, I am once again left without an objective and alone with myself. It was getting late, but now of all times, I wasn't tired. I turn on the radio in my room and lay back and listen. A few songs in, Should I stay or Should I go Comes on. How could this song not remind you of Will? I switch the station. Country music starts playing and I can't stand it, but I listen. The tune was too western for me, but the lyrics were a bit touching. I spend a while like this.
It is now 11:30pm and the house has grown quieter. This time of day was the only time that felt... breathable. You could walk into the kitchen and have only a small chance of someone being there. And that's what I did. I needed... sustenance. By now I was actually starving, and my throat was so dry, I could have drank from the gutter. I bounce my way down the stairs and march into the kitchen. Dad is asleep in his chair, the glow of the TV fading in and out as his show plays. The moms of the house along with Nancy are probably asleep, and Will and Jonathan are in the basement, probably sleeping too or laying down. Holly of course was tucked in hours ago.
I open the fridge and the light shines on me like headlights. I need something light, my stomach cant take anything heavy. I reach for the orange juice. I drink straight from the carton, then replace the cap, burp and return the carton to its spot. When I turn around, Will is staring right at me, across the table. He doesn't know what to say at first, but then he speaks.
"Mike, I-" His eyes glassy as he continues. "Mike, I'm scared. Are you okay? Is it Vecna?" He says, trying to be quiet.
"No, Will, I swear." I dont know what to say.
"Are you sure? Things have been so different... You are so different." He gestures to my body. Without breaking eye contact, he rounds the table and is right in front of me now, searching my eyes for answers. "Mike, you are not okay. Drop the tough guy act, you can be real with me. I know you're not okay. And that's okay. I'm right here. I'm not going to let you waste away to nothing."
His words break the dam of emotions I've been holding back. Tears well up and fall. I squeeze my eyes close as if that will hold the tears back. I feel a hand on my arm, a warm, steady, firm hand. Will.
"I can't Will, emotions are not my thing- it's not that easy! I can't tell you what's wrong. All I know is I can't do this anymore. I can't do any of this anymore." I say quietly, brushing the tears streaming down my face as I open my eyes to look him in his.
Will hugs me, surprising me, arms by my side, engulfed by Wills bear hug. His head laying on my shoulders. I rest my head on his, eyes closed. I haven't felt this feeling in a long time, if ever. I felt contained. I felt safe. El's hugs used to feel something like this. Maybe it was my vulnerability, I don't know.
He pulls away, still looking at me. Both of his hands hold on to my arms for a second as if trying to keep me steady. Then he lets go. We don't need words to communicate. He knows.
"Why don't you come downstairs with me, we can watch a movie like old times. Maybe that will help you feel better right now. Like a sleep over." Will suggests. "Jonathans in Nancy's room and mom is with Hopper, we could totally have a sleep over like old times." He suggests. I smile. He always keeps us connected.
"Okay." I say, a smile creeps across my lips.
Was he going to be alone down here? How often was he alone down here? I heard Jonathan sneak into Nancy's room most nights. I curse myself for not putting two and two together. I guess I just assumed Joyce was down here also. How could I have just left him down here alone all this time?
"It's been forever since I've been down here." I say, shaking the thought and looking around. A spare mattress on the floor, blankets all over, suitcases and drawers full of clothes spilling out, and a make-shift bed on the couch.
"Yeah, I mean it's home, I guess." he chuckles awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. "You wanna sit down?" He gestures to the mattress. I slowly sit down, the mattress makes me nervous at first, then it feels normal. He walks to the tv and turns it on. "uhm, what movie do you wanna watch?"
I stand up and walk over to the section of the basement that has the movies. I pick Star Wars. I stumble my way back over to the VCR and pop in the VHS.
"Popcorn." Will says abruptly. "We need popcorn" He smiles like he cracked a code.
"And Milk duds." I add, even though I know we don't have any, that's just a thing we did.
We chuckle and head upstairs. I open the door, and Dad is just heading upstairs to bed. He gives us a look as if to say "go to bed" the lazy parent way. We nod as if to say we understand. But we have no plan on listening. We wait for my dad to reach the top of the stairs before we begin our binge.
I pop the popcorn, and Will looks for drinks in the fridge. As I'm waiting for the popcorn to be done, I start looking through the cabinets for candies and whatever other snacks I could find. I found chocolates, gummies and sour hard candies. I grabbed what my arms could hold and then grabbed a bowl for the popcorn. Snacks and drinks in hand, we make our way back to the basement, and flop on the mattress. Will hits play on the movie and we settle in. Will has the popcorn in his lap. He eats some and then carefully offers me the bowl as he chews. He knows I can't eat. I assume this is his way of making sure I have something in my stomach. He always took care of me when I needed it most.
I hesitantly take the bowl and set it on my lap. I take a few pieces in my fingers and eat them one by one. Will has a box of sour candy and pops one from his hand into his mouth and smiles at me before looking back to the TV. I eat some of the popcorn slowly before passing it back to Will, who eats it by the handfuls.
This honestly felt incredible. I haven't felt this okay in years. It felt like us again. Just chilling in the basement watching movies. I can sense Will looking at me, though. Not just once, a few times. Why does he keep looking at me? Did I worry him that much? Does he see something about me he doesn't like? Maybe he's noticing just how sunken my cheeks are, I mean he did just see how scrawny I was earlier. Maybe from the side I look even worse? He looks over again and I catch his glance. He smiles and turns back to the TV.
Sipping and snacking slowly, we watch the movie for a little while.
"I missed this." I break the silence between us. Will looks at me. "I missed when things felt normal and we could just hang out like this. You have no idea how bad I needed this."
He looks at me with a smile of accomplishment. That smile gives me flutters in my stomach. It was weird though because the flutters came from Will. I suddenly felt bashful and like I needed to be more masculine, or he might find out I have a soft side.
"Yeah, me too, you know maybe we all need this again." Will says.
All of us? I was so content with it just being us. Dustin has been moody, and Lucas is always with Max. I know we all needed a break, but this was mine and Will's moment. It felt intimate. And I liked it. I was too afraid to expand on that. Something felt different with Will. Compared to the other guys, Will felt more in tune with everything around him including other people's emotions. Maybe that was why I always felt inclined to open up around him and settle into his company more. That surge of comfort struck me again. I felt like I could open up.
"Will, can I tell you something?" I quietly explode, not being able to contain my feelings in the moment.
"Of course, always." Will replies, sitting himself up.
Before I can speak, I pause, gathering my thoughts.
"I'm terrified, Will." I say staring straight at the TV, not paying attention to the pictures on the screen. Afraid to look my best friend in the eye.
The sudden confession takes him aback. He flutters his eyes as if searching his brain for the right words to say. One thing about Will was he always put thought into what he says to others. Especially when it came to emotional conversations. We've had our fair share in the past.
"I Know, Mike." He says, his chest sinking, seeming as if he dreads having to take care of me. I feel a shutter in my stomach and suddenly I feel self-conscious. I don't want to be another thing he has to care for. I painfully look down at my lap.
I can't take the rejection. If Will is tired of me already, then I should just go and not even bother him.
Will can sense the uneasiness in my body language as I shuffle, trying to make myself feel more comfortable. Surprisingly, I feel a steadying hand on my leg. He didn't know exactly what to say, but he was always there. Supporting. I felt like a leech.
I look at him finally, as if looking for the green light to continue, hoping he's not getting tired of me. His eyes look into mine searching for more answers.
"I can't eat. I can't sleep. All the stress is eating. me. alive. How are you not terrified? How are you able to sleep? Eat? Shower?" I say, starting to lose my shit a little. "I can't do it, Will, I cant come home to disaster. That's all that plays through my mind every day."
"Oh, Mike." He breathes and shuffles to turn himself towards me. He just engulfs me in another bear hug from the side. This one's tighter, and he's putting all his weight on me. I turn to hug him back.
I don't know where this came from- my sudden urge to confess my struggles to another person, but Will felt safe. I allow myself to cry in his embrace. He shuffles closer, sitting on his knees in order to pull me closer. My head against his chest now, one arm around the back of my shoulders and the other at the nape of my neck, holding me to his chest tightly as I cry louder. I throw my arms around him in a bear hug, holding onto him like I'm holding on to the childhood that was ripped away from us.
"I'm so scared, Will." I cry into his shirt. "I'm so scared-" I trail off as I choke on my tears. I burry my face further into his shirt, pressing against his body like I need it.
"Mike, it's okay. It's going to be okay." He speaks. The arm across my shoulders slides down to my back and starts rubbing hard, comforting circles as I cry harder. His other hand now petting the back of my hair trying to console me.
"Everything is too much. It's too much, Will. We will never get out of this." I mumble through the cries, clinging to Will. "Something bad is going to happen and we won't be ready for it."
Will takes a moment to prepare his reply. As I'm crying into him, hanging on for dear life, he releases my back and neck from his embrace but doesn't pull away. He cups his hands around my contoured cheeks and jaw in a way so gentle yet firm, guiding my face to look at his. He looks into my eyes- my soul.
"Mike-" He pauses. "All of this is a lot, you're not wrong. But we got this. We're a team. We all are. El is training and we're keeping everything under control by staying aware. We will fight this. We're gonna be okay. I have full faith we're going to win this. El is going to be okay, okay?"
"You don't know that-"
"And neither do you. This is all just a chance game, like D&D. We always have a chance at winning, even when the odds are against us. We don't know the outcome but-" Beat, "-but we have all the pieces, the- the resources, we have a play book- a plan...We can predict what's going to happen and attack."
I look into his eyes, desperately clinging onto the hopeful truth of his words, I let the tears roll down my cheek, outlining his hands on my face. He takes both thumbs and wipes the tears away with two swipes. Switching his focus between both my eyes he whispers:
"I'm scared too, Mike. I'm scared too-" He breathes, reluctant to confess. "But we have to believe in El, we have to have faith." tears welling up in his eyes as he looks deeper into mine. "We have to have faith."
I look into his eyes for seconds, just letting the tears fall. He smiles through glossed eyes, a tear rolling down his cheek as well. He gives a small nod as if forcing the belief into me.
I agree with him. I have to. I do need to have faith. There was no way I- we are going to get through this without it. If I'm weak, my whole team is weaker. I realize this, but I only hope I don't bring my team down when it counts. I hope I can be strong.
Releasing our hug, Will moves his hands from my face to my shoulders. Giving a hopeful smile, he squeezes my shoulders and taps them before fully pulling his hands away. Still looking at me with a smile, we both sit back down and face the TV.
We missed a big part of the movie, but we've seen it thousands of times. As we continue to watch, we settle down. In the cold of the night it gets cooler in the basement. I notice will holding his arms and rubbing them slowly like he's getting colder as he watches.
"Are you shivering?" I ask. He looks over and nods, chuckling.
"Which blankets yours?" I ask turning to look between the blanket half off the mattress and the one on the floor by the couch. I was closer, so I had no problem passing one to him.
"That one." He says pointing to the one half off the mattress. I reach for the blanket and then hand it over to him.
"We can share-" He says. "- if you want."
"oh, uhm, okay." I smile, giving an awkward nod. I was getting chilly and a blanket would be more comfortable, too. Sharing one with Will, however made me quiver slightly. A flutter in my stomach made me realize I might have been blushing. I really hope Will doesn't notice and take it the wrong way.
He adjusts the blanket over him first, leaving extra give on my side. Lifting up the blanket, he invites me to scoot closer so I can fit under. It takes me just a moment to settle in and feel... not awkward. Will and I shared beds, blankets even, as kids but it had been a while since. It felt different now.
As we sit watching the movie under the same blanket, I feel... different. Not necessarily bad, but I'm not sure if it's good.
It's getting really late now, and the movie only has half an hour left. I look over to Will, who's now slumped over, arms crossed over his stomach, one hand supporting his hanging head. Eyes closed. I can see his lashes on his cheek. The gentle and deep rise and fall of his breathing was making his head nod just slightly.
The popcorn bowl was off the mattress aside of Will and the box of sour candies had slipped off his lap and now the pieces outlined the side of his thigh. I reached over and grabbed my can of Coke-a-Cola off the side table. Taking a sip quietly and placing it back down.
Will starts to shuffle. Awake enough to move, but not enough to be aware, he shuffles down until he's lying on the mattress. Using his left forearm as a pillow, he lies there on his side facing me. I can't help but watch every move he makes, simply because I can. I feel like I'm taking advantage of him. Staring at him only because he's not awake to notice seemed wrong. Creepy, actually. But I can't resist. I look a moment longer before I stop myself and look back to the TV.
I finish the movie, and Will is still sleeping. The lamp behind us is the only light source after I gently crawl out of the blanket and quietly get up to turn the TV off. I walk around the mattress so I can easily bend over Will to pick up the loose candies and put them back in the box. I move the candy and popcorn bowl to the table.
When I sit back down on the bed, I lift the blanket gently and slip my legs under. I realize I had Will's pillow this whole time. I had been using it as a cushion for my back as I sat up and watched the movie. He hasn't moved, and I don't want to bother him, so I ever so carefully place his pillow between the top of his head and the wall we were against. Now I am left without a pillow. I uncover once again to kneel over Will on the mattress so I can reach Jonathan's pillow from the couch. I crawl in the bed again and finally lay down.
I look over at Will one last time before I close my eyes. I notice the blanket is pulled down a bit further than I'd like; it's not even covering his arms at all. I check to make sure he's still sound asleep before I make a move. I prop myself up on one elbow and with the other hand, I take the blanket and place it over Will's shoulders. He doesn't budge. I sit there gazing.
Will looks so... tranquil in his sleep. It's as if nothing is even going on and the world is normal. Looking at him, I realized something. I didn't want to stop. He honestly was breath taking. It was in this moment I realize it. All along... It was always him. The one I was in love with.