For the rest of the show, I noticed Zayn glance at where I was standing more times than thought necessary, but I tried to not overthink anything; even though my head was already going into overdrive. I felt much more at ease, being able to look at the boys -especially Harry- since they didn't know I was there. And even as I looked at Zayn, I noticed that my smiles stretched more freely whenever he offered the gesture himself. Maybe because there was quite a large distance between us, or because I saw him do it several times that I grew used to it; either way, I was enjoying the show and my worries were at ease for quite some time.
Monroe, on the other hand, seemed to have gotten more energy as the show went on. Her cheers became louder and her singing even more out of tune. Her voice was hoarse from all the screaming, but it never showed to have bothered her. She knew all the words to the songs, and even changed her voice to match the member that was singing it. I chuckled to myself as I watched her -she was having the time of her life, bless her.
Even though, I didn't know any other song apart from What Makes You Beautiful, I remember having such a great time. The atmosphere was great, and I felt safe being in the midst of all these people and being surrounded by the darkness around us. However, like everything on this planet, my time at ease had to come to an end. Right before the end of the song was about to play, the same guard came and approached me. He croaked his finger and gestured me to come to him; I quickly told Monroe that I'll be right back -although she didn't even hear me- and shuffled my way down the row till I reached him.
"You can come backstage now." He whispered in my ear.
It was as though someone had taken a cheese grater and grated my stomach. It may sound ridiculous, but that's what it literally felt like to me. The uncomfortable feeling in my stomach was suddenly back and the music sounded much louder in my head.
"Must we?" I asked with hesitation, as I truly didn't want to confront the boys again. Especially after having seen how happy Zayn Malik was to see me. I mean, how was I supposed to act around him? I couldn't deal with it. I looked up to see that the guard had a surprised look on his face. My question genuinely shocked him; he was clearly thinking that any other girl would kill to go backstage. I quickly shook my head as though telling him to forget about what I had just said; I couldn't disappoint Monroe. "Sure, let me just get my friend," I added quickly before going back to my seat.
The girls next to me were whispering to one another and looking at us, though I never knew what they were saying as I focused my attention on my best friend rather than them. I pulled Monroe down the row again, apologising to the people as we went past for the hassle that we were creating -though some didn't even realise our disappearance as their eyes were still tranced by One Direction on stage.
"What are you doing?" Monroe questioned me with frustration as she tried to pull her hand away.
I ignored her question and tightened my grip on her wrist as we reached the guard. I couldn't tell her where we were going in front of these people, they would collapse if they heard where we were going.
"Alright, we can go." I mumbled to the guard as I bounced on my heels nervously.
Silently we followed the guard past the rows of fangirling girls until we reached the doors of the exit.
"Why are we getting kicked out?" Monroe asked in panic as she longingly looked back at the people that were singing along to the last song.
I had to laugh at her question before I pulled her forward so I could reach her ear, "we're going backstage bec-"
"OH MY GOSH!" I didn't even have time to finish my sentence when Monroe's screams pierced my ears. "We are?!" Her lips stretched into a glowing grin and she clapped her hands together as she was unable to keep her excitement. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She leaned forward to hug me tightly in her arms; her actions took me aback and I couldn't even hold her back.
I guess, it was my doing for all of this. I am the reason why all this came to be. But as I played with that thougth in my head, I felt my insides churn and I had to keep swallowing to keep myself from throwing up.
It was all coming back, and as the guard lead us through a small corridor, I knew we were getting closer. I had to control myself; I breathed in and out several times but it was at no use. My hands were shaking, and my lungs were tightening again. I told myself to calm down; I couldn't keep doing this!
We had finally reached right behind the stage when suddenly and what seamed to me right out of the blue, Harry Styles jumped down the set of stairs, a trail of sweat trickling down his forehead, and stumbled a step backwards when he saw me standing there.
"Dion?!" His tone was somewhat in between being startled and pleased; his smile broadened until his dimples popped on his cheeks.
"Hello..." I muttered silently, as I turned away, his expressions sending a shiver down my body. I curled my fingers into a fist in attempt of controlling the shaking, and it worked slightly. I just kept digging my nials into my palm as I continued to breath in and out.
"What-... How-," His words were disconnected as he scratched the back on his neck and looked at me. I couldn't even reply when next down the stairs came Louis, gulping down a bottle of water.
He sighed breathlessly and turned to Harry's direction and then at mine. "Not a fan Dion!" His tone sounded cheerful as he sarcastically brought his hands to his forehead in disbelief. "You didn't tell me she was going to be here?" Louis turned to whisper in Harry's ear, but it was still loud enough for me to hear.
"I didn't know..." He shot back at Louis before turning towards me again. Monroe suddenly gripped my left forearm as her other hand clapped over her mouth as she held down her scream.
Niall Horan came down the stairs and froze abruptly as he saw Monroe there; he swallowed before he composed himself and stepped down the couple of stairs left.
"You alright?" He asked generally at us, as he put his hands in his pockets. Harry and Louis were kind of debating something, but my attention was snapped away from them when Liam was coming down the stairs accompanied by Zayn. They were both laughing and just before Zayn realised I was there, I noticed just how happy he truly was; his smile was luminous as he jogged down the stairs, laughing about something Liam had said -seeing him made a warm sensation to ignite inside me, but I quickly avoided to think about that.
"You came!" He beamed as he ignored one last thing Liam was saying to him. His eyes were glued on me as he smiled gleefully at me.
"You knew 'not a fan' Dion was going to be here?" Louis approached Zayn curiously.
"Well," he brought a hand to scratch the back of his neck as his eyes still remained on mine, "I asked her, and I thought she wasn't going to come, but she did!" He laughed quietly unable to believe his words, as I sneaked a small smile at him.
"Well," I began as I looked at Louis, trying to get away from the intense looks Zayn was giving me, "I couldn't disappoint my friend here....Monroe?" I turned to look beside me, but Monroe was no longer there; she was talking to Niall? She was talking to Niall.
I couldn't think of when she left my side, I didn't even feel her loosen her grip on my forearm. Louis followed my line of vision and laughed as he saw Niall talking to Monroe.
"Are you blushing?" He teased Niall as he walked towards him, -Niall raised his middle finger at him in response- leaving me alone with Zayn. As soon as he left, I already wanted him back. I turned slowly to look at Zayn who hadn't taken his eyes off me.
"What a great show, truly!" I spoke nervously, bringing my hands behind my back, fiddling with them uncontrollably.
"You enjoyed it?" He took a step closer to me, and I felt my heart almost beat out of my chest.
"I- I did." I nodded quickly as I looked down at my feet, sliding my feet back trying to keep a distance between us.
"Sorry..." He mumbled as he noticed my discomfort, "I didn't mean to-"
"No, it's ok." I lied as tilted my head slowly to meet his gaze and offered him a small smile, before Harry came into view; he swung an arm around Zayn's shoulders as the other rubbed the top of his head -perhaps harder than intended.
"You never told us you saw Dion!" He exclaimed as he grinned at me.
I stood awkwardly in front of them, as Zayn pulled away from him, "I didn't think it was any of your buisness." He replied with a laugh trying not to sound too harsh with his words.
Harry gave him a look but didn't add anything as he turned to me again, "how are you, Dion?" He stepped forward and opened his arms as he came and hugged me.
"Oh," I squealed as I really didn't expect that. I remember the smell he carried with him as it engulfed my senses; it was a soft citron cologne mixed with his own smell, that reminded me slightly of vanilla. He pulled back, as I replied that I was fine.
"It's great to see you," he continued as he eyes traced on the features on my face, "did you enjoy the show?"
"I did." I replied as I looked at Zayn who was looking at Harry with what looked like fury, "Thank you Zayn for inviting us." I found myself saying. Seeing the darkness invade his face as Harry stole my attention away from him, made me feel quite sorry for Zayn. It was odd experiencing it, but something inside me wanted to make him realise that I was grateful for his effort.
And it worked as suddenly his face snapped towards me and the smile that he offered me made the darkness vanish. "You're most welcome," he breathed before adding, "but thank you for showing up, it was a much better show seeing you in the crowd." As he said the last words, his voice became more nervous and I knew that he forced himself to say them, especially because Harry was still beside him.
But either way, the words still made a blush to creep on my cheeks but I quickly covered my face with my hands to try and disguise it.
"Aww," I heard someone coo and I knew it wasn't any of the two boys in front of me; Louis had come back and I felt him pull me towards his chest. "Who made 'not a fan' Dion all nervous?"
But thankfully, no one replied to his question as Monroe's laugh suddenly rang in my ears, "That's a brilliant nickname, oh my gosh."
Louis let go of me, and I pulled down my hands as I straightened my clothes. I looked over at Monroe who was glowing with glee, she held an autograph in her hands and she was hugging it tightly against her chest.
"Boys?" A woman with a clipboard caught all our attention, "sorry to interrupt, but your fans are waiting..." she spoke quickly and carried a Scottish accent, as she held her Walkie Talkie.
"Aright," Liam patted on both Harry's and Zayn's backs and added, "we gotta go."
"Time to shine boys!" Louis spun away from me and hopped on Liam's back, much to his displeasure, "See you later, 'not a fan' Dion."
"Bye, Niall!" Of course, Monroe had to shout out as her idol was following the woman with the clipboard.
"Bye buddy," He replied with ease, which surprised me before he pulled up his trousers, "Harry, c'mon man!" He shouted and tapped his foot impatiently waiting for him. Harry, in return, cursed and huffed angrily before disappearing with Niall.
I didn't know if Niall took Harry away on purpose, but it made my heart skip a beat when I saw the darkness in Zayn's eyes as he looked at me.
"Dion?" He coughed tensely as he took a deep breath, "I can do this," he mumbled to himself, "Dion I-" He fiddled with his fingers as he took another deep breath.
"Yes?" I asked timidly. My hands were shaking and my stomach was stirring in a frenzy, I felt as though I wanted to throw up. I had a feeling what was coming next, I had experienced this with Michael. My head was telling me to run away, say my apologies and leave; but my heart wanted to hear what he had to say. My curiousness surprised me, and I didn't know if it was the nervousness that I saw in him that made me encourage him, but it still made me fear his words enormously.
"I don't know why I'm so nervous," he laughed as rubbed his hands together.
The moment expanded and it felt like an eternity. I felt the room too tighten around me.
"Dion, I- I was wondering if you were free tonight?"
"Oh my gosh!" I heard Monroe jump excitedly as she flashed her white teeth at me, "I just realised I need to pee!" She mumbled as she excused herself and disappeared in a flash.
"Your friend truly is something," he chuckled before looking at me and noticing that I wasn't laughing at all. I stood frozen in the spot and kept swallowing as I tried to keep everything in my stomach from coming up. "Dion? Are you alright?" He stepped closer, and was about to touch my arm when I pulled back and looked around me.
"I'm sorry," I fanned my face with my hands as I felt the temperature in the room increase at a ridiculous speed. "Free? Um..."
The woman with the clipboard suddenly came back, "Zayn! What are you waiting for?" She snapped as she tapped her clipbaord, "c'mon!"
"Give me a minute!" He called back, and turned to look at me. "Dion, can I see you tonight?" He asked me gently, his hands were between us, unsure of whether to touch me or not but he decided on the latter.
"I-" I couldn't answer. I couldn't handle seeing him tonight, because it meant being alone with him. The look in his eyes had really began to make me queasy and I knew that if I accepted I would have to deal with it constantly. Besides, was he asking me on a date? I wasn't made to go on dates, I wasn't ready for this.
"ZAYN!" The woman shouted impatiently.
"God woman!" He fired back at her and turned to look at me again, his eyes glistening with hope.
"Ok." I hummed quiety, but I knew he didn't hear me. "Yes, ok! Go, now!" I nodded wrapping my arms around me, surprised I was able to say those words.
Zayn's grin stretched broadly as he nodded reassuringly, unable to believe my words. He scratched the back of his neck as he stepped back and went to meet the woman with the clipboard, but not before turning to glance at me one more time.
"I'll see you tonight, then!" He beamed as he chuckled happily and disappeared.
Once he was gone, I sighed loudly. I realised I was holding my breath; my hands were sweating and as I wiped them on my trousers, I couldn't help but notice that I didn't regret saying yes to Zayn. Sure, I was afraid, but not regretful. I remember telling myself that maybe my emotions were aready so altered, that my body didn't have any room left to experience that certain feeling. Of course, I later found out this was not the case.