A/N- Hello faithful patient readers! I am back with a new chapter! My plan was originally to include more in this chapter but as my good friend says, some scenes should be given their own moment to shine and I felt that this moment deserved its own moment. This does however mean that I am already working on the other part as we speak so watch for a my next announcement!
Also additional note: If you read my synopsis you might notice it's slightly different, which is good because it actually matches the direction I decided to go with this story as of Chapter 2. This is for those who pay attention to the tiniest details like me, I'm all about continuity.
Without further Ado...
When Reese pointed out-
"So you going to tell me what's on your mind that it's taken you far away from here and kept you from diving into your ice cream sundae, only your favorite food in the universe?"
-I'd intended to tell her that I was sure Dr. Orin already knew my diagnosis even though he hadn't gotten the test results...and that it was bad.
But I actually responded with-
"Dr. Orin ended our visit saying, "Somebody has to be the light for these people." And when Reese looked at me confused I added, "It's what Jesse used to say every time he got called back into work since he became an intern!"
Actually, the words exploded out of me like I'd been holding my breath this whole time.
I knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth and saw the same pained, furious, grieving expression Reese had shown me when I'd brought up how I thought Dr. Orin and Jesse could be twins, I knew I'd royally screwed up...again.
"Peanut butter cup, I'm so sorry," I moaned, referring to Reese by the nickname I only used when I knew I'd screwed up bad like this or whenever I was trying to act cutesy to Reese like a little sister acting cute to her big sister, usually because I needed a favor. (Reese is 9 months older than me while Jesse had been half a year older.)
"I know you don't like to hear Jesse mentioned, that it's easier for you that way," I continued, not letting Reese interject if she even wanted to because I needed to get these words out of my chest whether it was the right thing or not. "And I know you're saying you didn't see Jesse's likeness in my doctor...which I still can't believe because Orin could be Jesse's doppelganger but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I DID! And then all through the exam...every time he touched me...I TRIED to tell myself that IT WASN'T Jesse because IT CAN'T BE, HE'S DEAD! But my body reacted to him the way I imagined it would if Jesse had been given the opportunity to touch me like that...
"...A...and then N...not Jesse says Jesse's catch phrase?!
"I w...wish I hadn't seen Jesse in him. Hadn't felt Jesse through his kind bedside manner and his careful seasoned hands, heard him through his comments accompanied by that smirk because then I wouldn't be a mess right now but because I did, I AM A MESS and...t...there's no one else I can share this with, just you!
"I know I'm being selfish and inconsiderate, I know!" I practically screamed-sobbed, forgetting for the moment that we were in an ice cream parlor full of customers. "But you're a...all I have left. I lost J...Jesse. I lost my family before that..."
I was referring to the car accident four years ago that had taken the lives of both my parents and our family cat and had put my older brother Trey in a coma he still hasn't woken up from.
"Y...you must be so disgusted with me," I murmured in a much quieter voice, lowering my gaze to my humongous untouched sundae in a glass, my fuse finally going out, leaving me empty, hollow, which felt so much worse than being filled with fury, anger, turmoil and agony. "And I'm not saying just about our late best friend but about how stupid I was to give my virginity to a guy like Derek. I don't blame you. I'm sure they are, J...Jesse, my fam...I'm honestly disgusted with mys..."
Reese putting her hand on mine that was gripping the metal spoon so tightly my knuckles were white, caused me to pause.
"Hey."
I lifted my eyes to see Reese's expression had no trace of anger, disgust or even hurt. Instead I saw pity which I didn't like but decided it was better than any alternative reactions I could have seen there instead.
"I'm not disgusted with what you've said or what happened between you and your ex and I don't think J...Jesse and your family watching you from above are either Torito," she assured me.
I was shocked she was referring to me with the nickname Jesse had coined but that they'd both used given that Reese hadn't used it since Jesse's death.
"It's just...." Reese paused, sighed as she stared down at her hand on mine then looked back up at me. I saw concern, sincerity and apology in her eyes as she added, "Look, in a different situation I would just drop this like Dr. Orin said, I wouldn't argue with you over whether your doctor looks like our Jesse or rather insist that you're wrong. But then I don't think I'd be a good friend."
"W...what? Why would your arguing with me or not determine how good of a friend you are to me?" I demanded, my voice getting shrill completely taken aback and confused. "And what is this about you telling me I'm wrong? Just because you can't..."
"Its because you are, hon," Reese said softly, not reacting with anger like I thought she would like she had back at the office. "I know you think it's because I just don't want to see Jesse's likeness in someone else because it hurts too much but...it's not."
She then gave my hand a gentle squeeze before she leaned back and turned to start digging in her purse. She pulled put her cellphone, tapped it a few times then looked back at me. "Humor me, okay, Torito, please?"
I was far from in a mood to humor anyone but curiosity won. I nodded.
"Tell me what you see," she instructed me then handed her phone to me.
On her screen was a picture of the late Dr. Jesse Lyte taken way before his time, our missed and still oh so loved best friend "Jesse."
My first love.
"T...this is Jesse, the official photo of him as a staff member of Victorice General," I squeaked out, my heart squeezing painfully but filled with fondness at the same time. "Wow. It's been a long time since I've seen this picture."
"Yeah. It's like the only picture of him in a button down, tie and lab coat," Reese sighed, a slightly dreamy look in her teary eyes as she looked at the photo once she'd taken the phone back. "After this he was always in scrubs.
"Ok, now, tell me what you see here," Reese requested, handing her phone back to me after she tapped and typed on it for a minute.
I saw a picture of Jesse again...only underneath it was the label "Dr. Orin Steele M.D. OGBYN."
This time instead of responding with the answer she was expecting, I challenged her, eyes slightly narrowed, a suspicious air in my tone as I demanded without hiding my exasperation, "Reese, what are you getting at? What are you trying to do?"
"First confirm for me: Do you see Jesse in thar picture?" Reese pressed.
"You know I do."
"Right. Now tell me, what color is his hair in this picture?"
I looked at her incredulously. "Excuse me? You can see it for yourself! Why do you..."
"Just do it!" Reese cut in so sharply, I was stunned into silence. "P...please. There is a reason for me putting you through this, I promise," she added in a significantly softer tone.
I decided to continue to entertain her only because Reese had been so supportive since my fall out with Derek including coming with me today...
...And as warped as I thought Reese's thinking was sometimes, I knew without a doubt she always meant well, was always looking out for my best interest.
"Light brown, like caramel," I replied then added. "And his eyes are the same shade, like warm liquid toffee, in case you were going to ask that next."
"Ok. And would you also describe other features of him that you would consider distinct?" she asked then.
"Well it's Jesse so broad nose, chiseled jaw line, strong brows, light skin just kissed by the sun, " I answered. I could feel myself blushing as I listed every "distinct feature."
"And just to make sure, y...you're not saying that because that's how you'd describe out Jesse you're saying it because that's what you see in this picture, yes?" Reese demanded, looking into my eyes with an almost steely gaze making me feel like I was suddenly in the middle of an interrogation.
"I'm saying it because the man I see here is Jesse and Jesse has like I said,"I replied testily, while I racked my brain for any explanation (didn't even have to be reasonable at this point) why my best friend was doing this. Why doing this was her being a good friend vs if she hadn't.
I could come up with nothing.
Now do you want to ask me any more questions about what I'm seeing or are you finally going to tell me what the point of me going through this exercise was?" I asked after a beat of waiting for Reese to say or ask something else and didn't.
"Well uh, the thing is..." Reese started then paused before she added almost to herself, "Y...you're probably not going to believe me but I'm going to try." She then sighed and leaned forward. I barely heard what she said next because she was staring down at her hands as she said it...
...But I heard enough.
"Dr. Orin has jet black hair cut short like he's in the military, not tousled toffee like Jesse. And your doctor's eyes are like glowing emeralds or brilliant jade, as opposed to Jesse's warm like honey.
I felt myself spiral as I fought to process the impossible unbelievable things she had said.
"And as far as his err distinct features Dr. Orin is like Jesse, has a tall nose and a jawline that can cut," Reese continued solemnly, sounding like she genuinely felt terrible. "But unlike Jesse, Dr. Orin has golden glass like skin, and smaller eyes that have a slight upward slant.
"Orin has also indicated he is proud to part of the Melting Pot that is the US with his French, English and Korean roots in the profile it says he wrote himself while Jesse only ever listed he's from Victorice, Maine in his. " Reese pointed out gesturing to where it was on the screen. "And it says Orin's middle name is "Ji-hoon" while Jesse's was "Evan."
I didn't need to see it to know that Reese was telling me the truth because if there was someone I knew would never lie to me it was Reese...
...But I looked anyway.
And I saw it.
In his profile -it stated like Reese had said.
Under Full name? Dr. Orin Ji-Hoon Steele
I don't know how long I stared at Dr. Orin's picture after that as if I thought if I tried hard enough I'd be able to see the Dr. Orin that Reese was seeing.
The one that matched Reese's description of Dr. Orin.
The real one that clearly did not resemble my Jesse.
But of course what I saw remained unchanged. Jesse continued to smirk up at me only now I didn't find it teasing but was instead mocking me as if to say, "You're still so in love with me that I'm warping your reality."
Which was the truth.
"T...Tori?" I heard Reese asked hesitantly, concerned, even slightly frightened.
She sounded miles away though I knew she was still sitting in front of me and I knew it was because right now I was so far removed from the real one, so deep inside my own world where only Jesse's picture and I existed.
"T...Tori, a...are you okay?" Reese pressed, her voice getting slightly shrill from rising panic. "Seriously you're starting to scare me."
Yeah well right now I was scared too so we were even, I thought as I continued to sink deeper within the storm of turmoil that was raging inside of me.
After Reese had revealed to me that I was seeing things that weren't there, my debilitatingly intense hypochondria had kicked in and I was currently in the midst of self diagnosing myself.
I was debating between mental illness of some kind or a brain tumor. Honestly i was leaning towards the second because I recalled seeing an episode on my favorite medical drama recently where the patient had presented with hallucinations- that's what it would mean if I was seeing Jesse where Jesse wasn't?- in addition to dizziness, persistent more burdensome than usual headaches and fatigue that she couldn't shake no matter how much she was sleeping. And now that I was thinking about it I have been more tired than usual, my recent migraines had been more nagging and different.
I wondered if this meant the cancer I was suspecting I had in my reproductive organs was already Stage 4 and had traveled to my brain or if I was that unlucky that in addition to whatever I had going on down there that there was a brain tumor of completely unrelated origin growing in my brain.
"T...tori...please...say...something...so I know I didn't like break you," Reese pleaded, and from the way her voice broke, I could tell she was on the verge of freaking out.
Of all things, a chuckle void of laughter bubbled up from my chest as I finally responded with, "Reese, you're joking, right? Getting me back for bringing our Jesse up like that?" Though I already knew the answer.
She wasn't.
Which is what I told her.
"I guess y...your next recommendation is that I see a n...neurologist? I mean if I'm imagining things that aren't there that probably means there's something wrong with my brain, right?" I asked then, still laughing in a way that even to my own ears it sounded manic. "And just wait, I'll bet you five dollars I'll think he looks like Jesse t...too."
Reese just stared at me with tears in her eyes, her bottom lip trembling as she watched me silently, absolutely lost as to what to say or do for me. I could tell she wanted to assure me its not as bad as I was thinking but she couldn't because she didn't know.
"Y...you'll of course come with me?" I asked lightly as I took hold of both of her hands and squeezed them with all the strength I had, like my life depended on it.
And then before Reese could respond, my body including my hands suddenly became like jelly and I slid to the floor and started crying like my world was ending in public for the second time that day.
***
A/N- If you made it this far, thank you so much! I took painstaking time to create this scene because it was important to me and I wanted it to hit just right and I like how it turned out, I hope you all feel the same. And if you don't, that's okay too :)
Please vote so I know who is still with me and hit me with all your comments because you know like so many writers on here that I LIVE FOR THEM! Seriously, your comments are my life line and favorite type of daily entertainment these days!
Now back to the story-
I think we all knew that Reese made it clear she did not see Jesse in Dr. Orin but I don't think Tori or any of us were expecting the revelation that he really looks nothing like the late Dr. Jesse. Even his ethnicity was different! And now Tori's hypochondria has spun into overdrive and she is wondering which terminal self diagnosis is the real one. As if she needed anything else after the day she's had.
On a personal note- I know what it's like to have severe hypochondria. It's calmed down a lot more because (not to get religious) I have learned to give my worries and pain to God, but before that there were days where I would experience one symptom google is online and within minutes I had convinced myself I was seriously ill and death was imminent. So this episode that Tori experienced in this chapter very relatable to me and a reality for many people.
What does the future hold for poor Tori? Come back for my next chapter to find out. I already know where it's going and I promise you it won't disappoint!
See you next time!
Unapologetically yours,
Jenn
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