Chapter 10
The Day I Died
in the start of this story I told you about my drive home. Yet I never told you of what drive home that was. It could have been when the news broke of Alex releasing the sex tape. When I left his apartment.
For all you know my fight with Alex could have been the last effort I made in my life. That perhaps the adrenaline overload and drug overdose that happened to me stopped my heart and ended my life.
If you thought that I was safe you were wrong. My actions were made without thinking about the consequences. I never thought twice about what the drugs would have done to me. In the start of the day I did mushrooms and bought coke.
Then at the venue for the show I took at lest 10 Valium. I should have stopped then, I should have been smart and when went to the E,R but I was more concerned with the idea of me doing coke getting out.
The only thing I remember of the last moment of that night was Brock looking down at me and his tears hitting my face. He reached into his pocket and dialed 911 but his efforts to save my life were too little too late.
Fox News
“Tonight on Fox News, Micheal Endicott a YouTube star who toured with The Queen shocked and awed over 12,000 people at Madison Square Garden. He announced hes manager was the mastermind behind the release of his Sex Tape. This event followed up with a fight to the death at Micheal's mangers apartment. Neighbors say they heard shouting and glass breaking...
I'm sorry this just in Alex Gold has been reported Dead on Arrival. And So was Micheal Endicott. A sad day for New York Night Life too major icons dead”
The News had it all wrong, all wrong about me. When the paramedic’s arrived they announced it over the radio that Alex was D.O.A then before taking a second look they reported my death.
However when one of the paramedics started to look at me they found a faint pulse. They revived me. On my ambulance ride to the Hospital I only remember the paramedic saying I was lucky they got there when they did. My heart stopped for half of a min.
“I was dead, they brought me back”.
Was the only that ran through my mind. Most of this night from then on was a blur. I remember being in an E,R room pulling out a I.V. This wasn't like me, I normally hated I.V's I wasn't about to pull one out of my arm. My blood leaked all over the floor.
I remember the nurse coming in and saying.
“You little shit”.
They tied me up to the hospital bed. I guess I was over dosing on all the drugs I took and I was acting like a mad man. I kept yelling for my Mother. As I came too, the last thing I remember in the E.R was the nurse handing me a black liquid. She called in Charcoal. It tasted like shit, I could barely drink half of it. She pushed me to drink it all. She said if I didn't they would pump my stomach.
I woke up in a private Hospital room, I was no longer tired up to the bed. The nurse who walked in was a woman in her late 30's.
“Mr Endicott wake up, rise and shine!”
I opened my eyes and looked towards her
“Where am I?”.
She didn't answer the question. She only replied with.
“The doctor will see you soon, there is breakfast in the sitting room, please help yourself”.
She shut the door lightly and I fell back to sleep for about an hour.
When I woke up I noticed I was in a Hospital gown, connected to my room was a private bathroom. I walked in and took the longest piss I ever have in my life.
As I looked down I seen what was coming out of my urethra was a black liquid. It didn't hurt but it was frightening. Once I finished I washed my hands.
I looked in the mirror and was shocked. The life from my face was gone. It was purple and red and looked like red and blue spots all over, I panicked. I knew that I survived and was alive but I didn't want to live my life with this face.
I rushed to the door of my room and walked out slowly into the hall way, My room was across from the nurses office. I guess I was on suicide watch.
“Nurse nurse, whats wrong with my face”
she looked up.
“It's just from the celine. It will go away soon”
I was relieved I felt like I would be forced to live my life forever with a face like this.
As I left the nurses office I heard music come from the sitting room down the hall. I knew I was in a Hospital but I wasn't sure what part. I walked slowly down the hall and as I did I seen people come from the sitting room. It was then I knew I was in a mental ward. I stopped dead in my tracks and rushed back to my room. I tired to use the Hospital phone to call my parents but there was no answer.
I spent over two hours in my room alone waiting for the doctor. All I wanted to do was go home, I hated it here. I felt like a prisoner. The doctor walked into my room and sat down in the visitors chair beside my bed. The doctor must have been in his forty’s. I'm not gonna waste my time trying to remember what he looked like because I looked at him once and it was only for a second.
I explained what happened the night before and that I didn't mean to take so many drugs. I made it look like I wasn't myself the night before and knew it was wrong. The doctor agreed and believed me.
Within an hour of seeing the doctor I was able to leave. I rushed out of the mental ward in fear that they would change their mind and hold me there. As soon as I left the mental ward two police officers stood waiting beside the entrance.
“Micheal”
One of them asked for me.
“Yes?”.
I turned towards them.
“We need to speak do you have a moment?”
I took both of them into a private waiting room. They both were light haired and 20 something. I thought both of them were hot, but clearly this moment in time wasn't the right moment.
It's strange how my feelings for guys were growing stronger and stronger lately, I figured after dealing with Brock pretty much breaking my heart I would never want to go down the guy road. That's the thing, Brock must have been my stepping stone to finding out who I am.
Rather it was the drugs or something else. I now started to feel like I was bi and what ready to come to terms with that.
The officers asked me to give a statement on what happened at Alex's apartment. I relived the event and explained it with every detail I could remember.
They explained to me that during their investigation I wasn't able to leave the city. They thanked me for my time and left the waiting room. I sat in the room for a few minutes. I had survived, as I laid on the floor in Brock’s arms I thought It would be my last moment of life.
Now I had a second chance. I had the chance to set my life straight and do the things they way I was meant to do them. I left the Hospital. As I left I was surrounded with paparazzi they wanted that one glimpse of me.
The paparazzi was shocked to see me, up till this moment the news reported about my death. As I rushed into the town car the paparazzi rushed towards me asking questions. I closed the car door and told the driver to “DRIVE”.
I looked at my phone and noticed I had over 30 text messages, mostly from my close friends at home and some from Brock and The Queen.
Karen asked me to visit her, Brock told her I was Ok and what had happened. I didn't want to include The Queen in all of this. I texted her.
“I'm Ok, I’ll call you when I can I have a few things I need to take care of”.
I then called Brock and asked him to meet me at the spot in Central Park where we first watched the sun set.
Brock had already waited 15 minutes when I met up with him. As I walked up to him my heart started to beat fast, I recalled the moment I was in his arms. I asked him to sit down on a Bench close to where we met up.
For a minute we sat there in a awkward silence. I didn't know what to say. He turned to me his eyes were glossy.
“I'm sorry”.
He sounded as if he was gonna cry.
I looked into his eyes, I still wasn't sure what to say.
“I didn't know Alex was behind the Sex Tape release” Brock said.
My heart felt like it dropped to the ground, instead of explaining what happened an emotional outbreak happened in my mind. I looked right into his eyes.
“Does it even matter?”.
“I'm not sure”.
He lowed his head and turned to face away.
“You, out of all the people I have met in New York. You... you left me when I needed someone, anyone... you left me. You broke my heart. I never in a million years thought I could fall in love with a guy and have my heart broken by one. You are the reason I have all this..... success. You took a chance on me in that department store. Then when I needed you the most you abandoned me”.
I was overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn't help it, an old friend of mine told me never to show the one you love that they have a power over you that could destroy you. Isn't that what true love is, having the power to destroy you but choosing not to harm you. As I looked at Brock I seen his eyes started to tear up.
“I know, I was afraid and overwhelmed by everything. I had no idea how to handle myself, that's why when I seen at your show that Alex was behind everything I wanted to apologize, I wanted to explain myself, then when I got to Alex's apartment you were on the floor”.
Brock said all of this without looking at me, he looked out into the park.
“I wasn't ready for the whole world to know that I had sex with a guy, our whole time together was intertwined with drugs and drunken nights, I was confused for a long time, that night in Paris, I knew I loved you, but I wasn't ready to have the whole world know” Said Brock.
“What does it matter if me and you know, or if the world knows. Why does it matter what sexual orientation you are. If I’ve learned anything from all this its that love is love. Rather its with a man or woman”.
It was in that moment that I finally came to terms with my sexuality. I didn't care if anyone knew about me, As it was the whole world already knew so much about me what was another fact about me to them. Just another useless thing to keep the fire burning I guess.
“So whats up with this banker guy you went out with”.
Brock asked while pulling up Perezhiltion.com on his phone with a picture of Marco and I. He placed the phone in front of me
“He's just another guy..”.
I knew I should have just kept my mouth shut but I felt he needed to know.
“I used him to make you jealous, I knew you would see us together somewhere. Yea he was hot and we fucked but it meant nothing, but all of that still means nothing”.
I pushed he phone away. Brock turned to me and looked deep into my eyes.
“Do you still love me?”.
I wasn't sure how to answer, I did love him, or at lest I thought I did.
“I do, but our time is passed. I'm great full for you and the time we spent together. After all that has happened I need time to myself. I love you but sometimes love isn't enough, You proved that to me. I can't wait for you to be Ok with being with a guy, I can't help but think that one day you'll do again what you've already done”.
I started to cry, I wiped away my tears and snuffled up.
“I'm sorry Brock but I think I'm done. Done with everything, fame, New York, love... drugs... I need to recover from all of this, I need to do that alone”.
Brock looked towards me and placed his hand on mine.
“I don't blame you. I know you've gone through more then I could handle. Just know that I’m sorry, I hope one day you will realize that. Know that I will always have a love for you and will always love you”.
Just as he finished he leaned in to kiss me. As he did my heart again felt like it dropped to the ground.
The moment was bittersweet. I wanted to be with him but I knew right then wasn't the time. I was hurt and felt love spent. I felt I had no more love to give. I was empty and needed to recharge. As we kissed in the corner of my eye I watched the sun set. It was the perfect moment. I didn't want it to end.
I stood up and started to walk away. After 20 feet I looked back and Brock was gone. It was as if all of our time together was a dream. Was I ever gonna see him again? Was he gonna be Ok, was I? My knees gave out and I felt to the ground, I cried as the night sky covered the city, the park lights came on. My heart was truly broken.
I walked out of the park and as I did, I seen about 50 feet away one clever paparazzi had found me. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked right at him. As my eyes focused on him I noticed he was the same Paparazzi who follow me into the alleyway months before. I smiled, I wanted to rush towards him and beat him to a pulp but I didn't think that would help. I took it as a sign that no matter how much you expect someone to change, they will always underneath it all be the same.
I called Karen and asked her If it was Ok to come to her house. She openly invited me over. When I reached her place she rushed to me and hugged me and held me tight.
“Micheal oh my God, I’m so happy your Ok. Micheal tell me how you are, do you need anything? Please come sit”.
She brought me to the same couch I first sat on when she played “Let Love Down”.
I broke down and cried for about ten minutes. Her family wasn't home. When I finished I wiped the tears away and held her hand.
“I need to talk to you, please don't be angry, I’m so happy and thankful for the opportunity you have given me but I..”
“Can't finish the tour?”.
Before I could finish speaking she finished my sentence. I could tell by her voice she understood.
“Yea, I need to re-cope, I think, and I hate to say this but I need to get out of New York”.
“I know, I would feel the same”.
She smiled and wiped away one of my tears.
“I'll be here for one more show, the police are doing an investigation with Alex's death. After the last show I think I am gonna leave”.
“Where are you gonna go?”.
She asked with true concern in her voice.
“I'm not sure, but you'll be the first to know”.
When ever I was with Karen I felt real, it was funny as she was The Queen. Most of what The Queen was is surreal. Bending the rules of normal. I always felt like she was a real friend. I was so thankful to find her and have her in my life. Never did I think one of my best friends would be the biggest pop star in the world. She had given me so much and I could never truly repay her for her true kindness she brought into my life. For if it wasn't for her I would have not gotten as far as I have come with my career. I owed her more then anyone everything. Brock and Alex had debuted me but The Queen made me fly.
We sat for most of the night talking about everything. We smoked a few joints and watched Mean Girls. We quoted the movie as it played. “Karen you can't just ask people why their white”.
I looked towards her as the character in the movie said her line. This felt right. At the time I didn't know it but this night would be my last night in the city, but if I did I would have spent it just the same. It was the perfect last night in New York.
I woke to the Chief of Police calling my phone. He asked me to come down to the station. Karen insisted that she come. I was thankful for her support. I was nervous. I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen next.
When I arrived the Chief introduced him self. To be honest I don't remember his name, at that moment my mind was to focused on what he was gonna tell me. Was I gonna be blamed for Alex's death, was I going to jail. To many things ran through my head to remember such a small thing as his name.
He took me into his office and asked me to sit down. He's desk was huge and a picture of him in full uniform with many metals placed in front of me.
“In our search of Mr Gold's apartment we came across the Security tape of your dispute with Mr Gold. We know you didn't kill him, that he attacked you and in deference you protected yourself. We know that he's death was more or less an accidental. But there is one question we need to clear up”.
I felt relieved, however I knew the question he was gonna ask. It was about the Money.
“An account in both your and Mr Gold's name came to our attention, we spoke with the bank Manger of the bank in were the account was established. It seems you made a full withdraw of the funds that were in this account. In the tape you and Mr Gold were arguing over these funds, is that correct?”.
He's question didn't seem like much of a question at all, more of a statement. My first thought was to lie, but I wanted to be truthful. I explained myself.
“Yes, it came to my attention that this account was opened without my consent, illegally, As I looked at the transactions I noticed that they came from my record company and that I was entitled to these funds. Alex was hiding them from me. I withdrew them into a savings account”.
“Did you know that some of the funds in that account were not just entitled to you but also Mr Gold?”
“No I wasn't aware of that”.
I started to feel nervous. Although I was in the clear for any murder charge this conversation started to feel like perhaps another sentence was coming.
“As the account was a personal account with your and Mr Gold's name on it the funds rightfully belong to you, however in the state of New York there is a law that prohibits any offshore account..” the Chief explained a law about taxes and such, it seems Alex by law was required to declare the account for tax purposes. The fine for this was close to 2 million and I was forced to pay taxes on the funds within the account. The whole conversation with the Chief went by fast, I can't really remember that much of what he said I only understood what I had to pay and that I was to report the account to the IRS.
I paid the fine and then made my way to the IRS office and dealt with paperwork for 2 hours. Karen had stayed by my side the whole time.
The show Karen had planed was a small secret MySpace show, an acoustic set, she would play 8 songs and I would play 3 ending the show with “Let Love Down”. As I came back on stage I wanted to talk for a moment about everything surrounding me at that moment. The show was packed. As The Queen and I walked up I started to speak into the microphone.
“How is everyone doing”
I shouted trying to hype the crowd up.
“As most of you know a lot has gone on in the past weeks, I want to take this time talk about that. When the Sex Tape released I was more humiliated then I ever had been in my life. I was angry and was ashamed. I was more angry when I found out that one of the people in my life who was meant to support me and make my career successful went behind my back and released the tape. This tape was filmed on a security camera in my managers apartment, This tape was never meant to be made, it documents an act between me and someone I love. I never thought I could love a man. When I had sex with this person I was confused and under the influence of Alcohol. I'm not proud of being on the Internet around the world. One thing I am not ashamed of is myself. Life is about making mistakes and learning from them. Its about learning and loving. Living through experiences that are good and bad. This is my life and theses are my lessons, I only hope you can accept me for who I am and learn with me through my lessons..”
The crowd was in pure silence I had their full attention.
“i made a horrible mistake at our show at Madison Square Garden. I felt betrayed and wanted my manager to feel ashamed for what he did to me. I wanted him to be embarrassed as much as I was when the tape came out. I couldn't have known my actions would result in his death. Martin Luther King Jr once said “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love and do that”. I made the mistake in using gas to put out a fire and I got burned. Join me in a moment of silence as we remember the man who started my career Alex Gold”.
for a minute the crowd was in pure silence yet again, even the bar tenders and staff at the bar had stopped for the moment. It was truly respectful. I bowed my head down and a single tear dropped from my eye.
“Last thing I have to say is, the great John F. Kennedy once said “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names”.... I will never forget your name Alex Gold”.
The crowd started to cheer away as the piano started to play as The Queen and I started our last song.
I felt like I was forgiven by God for my actions. All the drugs and shit that I have done, my speech showed my repentance. I felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders.
For the last few months I had spent my life as if I was to die everyday. As if within that day it would be my last. I became careless and let myself dig an early grave. I really was living as if I was gonna die. I was unintentionally planing the end of my life. The countless hospital visits. The growing addiction to drugs, all of these things weren't making me value my life. Which is what I wanted to do.
I wanted to live my life in a way that I seize the moment, I wanted to make everyday count. Instead I did everything in my power to make everyday my last. I knew now this wasn't what I wanted. I knew now the true meaning of Live As If You'll Die Today.
It's to make everyday count, to create a legacy and memory of yourself that no one could forget. To take life as it comes and be strong. To prepare for any moment or event, and to live through it. To take a chance, make a mistake, and be proud of it all.
As the show ended and the lights went down, I knew that my time in New York was a story waiting to be put down on paper. That my experiences needed to be noted. So when I returned to my apartment, I pulled out my journal from when I was on tour and started to write.
I stood in my bathroom my knees hitting the toilet and out of the small window I had, I looked in the distance at the Statue of Liberty, As I looked I was reminded of my old room and when I planed my trip to New York. One of the first things I wanted to do was visit Liberty Island. However my whole time I was here I never did get to go. I promised myself I would come back one day and go to the Island. I picked up my cellphone and dialed the phone number of an illegal taxi company to take me out of the city and back home.
I packed my things, I locked up my apartment and before leaving the building I stopped at my landlords. I handed him a check for a year's rent.
“I'll be back”.
I said as I gave him the check.
I dragged my things down the stairs and onto the street. As I waited I was reminded of when I first got here. I remembered that naive boy who had stars in his eyes and one dream and the drive to make it happen.
A green ford escort pulled up. I hoped in and we drove away. As we left New York I took one final look back at the city. Some come to this city for Love, some for Money, some for Fame. Only a few make it here, but as they say if you can make it here... you can make it anywhere. I looked back at the bright city lights and thought only one thing.
“Thank You New York”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
It comes with no surprise that this book was loosely based on my true life. With that being said I have many people I must thank. If you are not in this acknowledgment it isn't that you aren't worth thanking it is that sometimes, the greatest acts of kindness and inspiration are those that need no acknowledgment. It is the act of inspiration and that result of that act that is the greatest acknowledgment one could have.
When I was a young boy I would create short stories about endless stories in different scenarios. I always had the urge to tell a story, In my adult life I found that writing music and creating songs were my way of expressing many different story’s. It comes with no doubt that In my life I have had many hardships. One was a learning disability I developed when I was young. My teachers could never reach me, I was always interested in something else then school. Music was my outlet and I focused on it. So when it came time to learn the skills like spelling and learn grammar I couldn't care less about them. It was one teacher who inspired me to develop my writing skills. My grade 11 writing teacher. She took interest in my stories and taught me skills to make them better. For that I thank her.
When I started this book I was in a dark place, I had just gone through a major life change, a end of a very long term relationship. For the last 4 years I had created and started a life only to watch it be taken away from me and to start over new. This inspired me to write about my experiences in a way that I could speak about things like addiction and fame. I have only one person to thank for the full inspiration of this book from start to finish.
To Brenden Check: The time we spent together was a world wind of Love, Pain,Loathing. Addiction, Success and Happiness. You made me the man I am today, without you I would just be some immature fake childish kid in an adult body. You and I created some of my darkness regrets and fondest memories. With love comes pain and without pain there is no gain. With every sun rise comes a sun set and for the longest time you were my night to my day. You will always have a place in my heart and inspire me to be a better person. I thank you for lying in bed with me most nights listening to me create story after story from the top of my head. For always encouraging me to write a book. Without you this book wouldn't be possible for that I will forever be gratefully indebted to you.
Robyn Rolston: For every laugh and every tear. You have inspired me who I am. With out you in my life I would not have anyone to laugh with over silly funny jokes. Thank You for your feed back and support and being as crazy as you are. Thank you for being my best friend.
Tammy Carver: For listening to me read chapter after chapter as soon as it was finished and giving me feed back on it. You inspired me to finish this book and your support was the spark to my flame. You made me feel like a true author, you took my ideas seriously and made me feel like my small idea could come to live.
Amber Barber: For laughing at my jokes and baring with me as I read every chapter as soon as it came out and giving me the support that true friendship brings. Your strength in life being a Mother, has inspired me to always look for the finer things in life, to live each day to the fullest and be the best you can be. Thank you for your infectious laugh that I love ever so much.
To My Mother & Father: For acceptance in all that I am and every lasting support and all I do. For endless nights of music on repeat and dealing with my shit. For showing me the result of hard work and inspiring me each day to be the best I can.
To My Wonderful Family: I am so great full and blessed to have a big loving and caring family as I do. Without you my life wouldn't be the same. Your endless support and love is what makes each day worth living. Thank you for your acceptance and on going support.
To My Late Grand Mother Conetta: You had a part to teaching me how to be a man, you taught me lessons that I will forever carry with me. I wish I could sit with you and read the chapters of this book to you as I know you would love it, but I know you were looking down on me as I wrote them. I always will love you, may you rest in peace.
To each and every person who inspired me to create the characters in this book, to life it's self for always giving me lessons to learn and notable things to talk about.
To all The support on Instagam, Twitter, Facebook and to anyone who bought this book: It is you who I wrote this book for. You able me to create projects like this. Your support makes them come alive. It is each and everyone of you that lets me to do what I do and continue to do it. From creating music to writing this book I am forever thankful to you all for helping me make my dreams come true.
To Lulu Publishing and Apple Tree Publishing: Thank You for all your hard work for making this dream of mine come true for believing in me and giving me the opportunity to shine as a writer.