Aspectabund:
being able to let expressive emotion show easily through ones face and eyes.
On Wednesday I wasn't surprised when Niall awoke me for our usual morning canteen visit.
I wasn't appalled when I had complied to go along with him.
The both of us sat in the nearly empty hall. I drinking my routined tea and Niall eating a plate worth of breakfast food until it was time to go to group session.
There were people already seated once Niall and I arrived. Bean, whom's always usually early and a handful of other early birds from Miles to Courtney and some others I don't exactly talk to.
I smiled a small smile towards Bean and Courtney before I headed to the back of the room to my permanent seat whilst Niall sat in his towards the front of the circular table, sharing small talk with Miles.
Soon after, others began to pile into the session cabin, signalling 10.00 has come upon us yet again. Not too far behind Miss Siddle entered our group session right after the arrival of everyone else, taking her usual position at the front of the room.
She hadn't yet to speak when most eyes already landed on her dainty figure, giving her their full attention.
"Good morning everyone," she finally greeted, receiving a few murmurs of a mocked welcome. I, however, remained quiet, though I still stared ahead at my grey eyed counsellor.
"We're doing groupings of four today," Miss Siddle informed. She couldn't finish off her instructions due to the dramatic groans filling up the cabin's atmosphere.
But she, however ignored the complaints and varied grumbles and continued on.
"I'm letting you all choose your groups. At least be happy about that," she insisted.
No one within the cabin looked the slightest happy, excluding Bean after her exhort. Miss Siddle shrugged off the grimaced faces and continued speaking.
"What I expect from your group is at the least communication," she stated. "But however, what I deeply want from you all is to talk about your life before you came here to Tape."
Miss Siddle's desire shifted to fatal once those words left the home of her mouth. Life before Tape isn't a topic I'd like to discuss. Especially in the presence of others.
A nudge to the right of my shoulder adjourned me from my indecisive thoughts. I turned my head to see a grinning Louis. His broad smile totalling he elbowed me deliberately.
"Ouch," I acknowledged, rubbing the roof of my shoulder to amend the minor pain.
Louis rolled his eyes. "I want you to be in my group," he announced.
"Okay," I murmured.
"Good," Louis smiled. "We then can have Li and Niall in our group and that makes four."
I nodded along to his decision quietly as Miss Siddle's talking ended Louis and I's brief conversation.
"You all can start grouping yourselves now."
And that's what we did.
It didn't take any convincing for Niall and Liam to place themselves alongside Louis and I to form a group of four. That happened to be the easiest task of our group so far; the hardest figuring who's going to volunteer to speak first.
Once Niall and Liam found a seat next to Louis and I, a silence overthrew us. No one bothering to speak.
Louis dramatically sighed, rolling his eyes then clearing his throat. "I guess I'll speak first since you all clearly don't want to," he spoke.
Louis took our silence as a clarification to continue.
"We're all fucked up here so there's nothing to be scared or embarrassed about," he stated. "Before my life here at Tape, about a year ago, I suffered from depression-"
Didn't see that confession coming.
"-I use to have constant suicidal thoughts everyday," Louis admitted with a dismal frown. "And it didn't help the endless sadness, but I guess Tape helped it, well me, progress," Louis confessed. "You know get better. Even if I don't feel fully healed, I feel a bit better."
"Yeah," Liam nodded in agreement. "I use to rely on drugs before I was dragged here," he admitted.
I didn't see that coming either.
"I was about fifteen when I started smoking cigs and simple stuff," Liam avowed. "Then it became more complex stuff that I started using. And after a while, I didn't think I could live without it, but being here made me realise that you don't need drugs to live-"
"Even if I did sniff the nearby ferns for a month straight when I first got here," he revealed with a halfhearted chuckle, causing Louis and Niall to mock his laughter. "But it does get better here. Especially if your life was a blow before Tape," Liam finally added.
Another silence overtook our groups atmosphere briefly. Niall along with myself refusing to speak.
It isn't everyday you inform anyone that you're a boy suffering from an unspecified eating disorder that you have no idea nor any hope of fixing.
And it isn't everyday you tell anyone that you're not familiar with, something so close and personal about yourself like it doesn't affect you at all. Because to me it does impact me greatly, but I can't form the words to tell anyone that.
"Is anyone of you going to speak now?" Louis impatiently asked, snapping me from out my daze.
Before I could answer, Niall beat me to the punch in a rush.
"Yeah, sure, I'll talk," he replied, rubbing at his nape uncomfortably. I closed my mouth instantly, honestly wanting to know Niall's struggle before he arrived at Tape. But he didn't say even close to that.
"Before Tape I lived in Ireland," he murmured informatively. "In a-- I guess you can call it--small town," Niall added in a still voice. "And that's all really," he finished, his hand still at his nape.
Liam frowned slightly at Niall. His brown eyes skimming over him warily. "Okay," he mumbled, still frowning.
"If you don't want to talk about your problem that's-" Niall cut off Louis before he could finish.
"It isn't a problem," he clarified.
Louis nodded defeatedly before he looked at me. I took his gaze as a silent hint for my turn to speak. I couldn't help but gulp.
"Well um," I started, not having a clue on what to say. "Similar to Niall, before Tape I lived in a small town too." I informed.
It wasn't much nor relevant information, but it avoided the actual topic on why I'm here and that was my intention.
And if Niall can do it, why can't I?
I made sure to look away from the noticeable hard gazes of both Liam and Louis whilst I continued speaking, "I lived in a reasonable spaced house with my family. My mum, two sisters, and step father, and that's all too."
Louis whistled right before quietness developed between the four of us for the third time during group session today.
What worsened the silent situation was the amount of time we still had left, in which happened to be an hour worth of time.
An hour worth of silence and no communication. The opposite of what Miss Siddle wants from each group.
"I get that you both don't wanna talk about your struggle," Louis finally spoke up, breaking the momentarily silence.
I didn't know what to so I nodded at Louis. From the corner of my eye, Niall seemed to do the same.
"But you're gonna have to speak of it soon. If not, how are you gonna progress?" Liam spoke.
Didn't think about that.
"I'll be fine," Niall promised and I nodded along in agreement; I will be fine. At least I hope I'll be fine.
Louis and Liam nodded simultaneously, inwardly processing both Niall and I's word. Though the hint of concern was prominent in Liam's eyes mostly. I shrugged off the perturbing look.
Eventually the silence between the four of us faded. Louis shifting the topic to a more casual conversation and a few enquires in order for us to get to know one another. The discussion lasting until the remainder of group session.
By the time Niall and I were both exiting the group session cabin, I happened to know a bit more about him along with things about Liam and Louis. In which I thought was okay.
Adding Louis and Liam on my mental list of friendship as they did with I was the cherry on top of a crucial but thankful Wednesday.
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A.N; Aw Lilo confessions. Sorry for the stubbornness from Narry, but it's needed for now.
You know why Harry didn't want to speak. Can you guess why Niall doesn't want to speak of his struggle? Have you already guessed Niall's problem yet?
I want to thank all of you who read my story. It may not be the greatest story, but I'm glad most of you like it enough to read.
Thank you for that and the voting and commenting (endless commenting) and just reading. It means a lot to me.
Enjoy your night and Happy Reading!