Dear Lexi,
The first week since you left this world has been rough. I don’t know of any other time in my life where it has been more difficult to do the daily things in my life. Food doesn’t taste as good, jokes aren’t as funny, my appetite is shot, I can’t sleep at night, and the dark and silent night has never been so loud. All week I remained strong for you, but Friday I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I seriously have not cried that hard since I lost in the District finals for debate. I didn’t how I was going to get through each day. I found a way to cope during the day; I just keep close to my friends and family. But at night, that’s when it’s most difficult to cope.
But I felt you there Friday night. I asked you to come to help me and you did. I swear I felt you there. I don’t how to explain how such a rough night with only about 5 hours of sleep left me refreshed. That candlelight I turned on for you helped me so much last night. You were and still are always known for helping others before you help yourself. And I thank you for that.
I cannot hide the truth from you, I am disappointed you decided to take your own life. I’m not mad, because that is not fair to you. However, I do think there were other ways to deal with your issues. So, I do have a few questions for you. Why among all you had going for you did you feel that this was the answer to your pain? Well I guess that’s the only real question I have because it doesn’t make sense to me. It’s difficult to comprehend that you really took your life because you were perfect! You focused so much on making everybody else happy. I guess that is one of the many lessons I can learn from you. No matter how great of a person you are to yourself, you must always take care of yourself.
If you were alive to witness your funeral service, you would have been amazed. The flower arrangements were beautiful. There was this song that the Silent Theater did for you. It’s called Beside You by Mariana’s Trench. I’ve had that on replay since the funeral. I keep listening to the lyrics and it is so your words. You are telling everyone that you will be beside each one of us as we cope with this. You did that for me last night. Then, the most powerful thing I saw happened at the end. The pastor announced that it was the end of the service, and when he finished his announcement, not a single person moved, not a single person made a sound. They just sat there. It was so moving because you had an impact on so many people! Oh! And let me not forget to tell you about the people who came. That room was filled so much that about 50 people had to stand up because there were no seats left.
Lexi, I can’t listen to that song or look at your pictures anymore without wanting to cry. It is so overwhelming trying to deal with it all. I want you back here on earth so that I can see your beautiful smile that you always showed and receive your warm, genuine hugs just one more time. But I can’t do that. As selfish as people may say your death was, it really wasn’t. You had touched the lives of many and made everyone else happy, but no one had what you needed to be happy. Quite frankly, I don’t know what it is that you needed to be happy. Whatever it was, no one could provide it. So when it was your turn to make yourself happy, what were you to do? I firmly believe that you didn’t know of any other way. Either that or you tried all ways you thought possible and they failed. Asking you to come back would be selfish of me because you are in the perfect paradise. For you to leave that place and come back to a place filled with nothing but negativity would be wrong of me. Just as you wanted me to be happy, I want you to be happy. All that I ask is you be there spiritually when I need you.
I decided to write you because this is one the ways I’m going to make myself feel better. I realized that my pain stems from the fact that I can’t talk to you. But who said you had to actually talk back?
I will make a few promises to you. You always loved to help people. And because you physically cannot do that, I want to help. So I promise to never stop talking about you. I promise to keep telling your story so people know that depression is a disease and suicide isn’t a joke. I promise to be the best I can be so that I can set an example for everyone else to be successful. I promise to never forget you. I promise to do what I can get through this so that I may be happy again. Lastly, I promise make your legacy known to each and every person I can. These are my promises to you.
This first week was hard, Lexi. I know you are truly at peace and are truly happy. Without all the demons screaming in your head, you can now do what you always loved doing, which is to help people and change their lives. So live on girl, I may not be able to see you shine, but I know you are. You are the purest form of an angel from God.
Until next time with love always,
Daron