Leaving the hospital without Frank by his side was the worst thing Gerard had ever done - it felt wrong, and he couldn't stop looking back at the white building which was quickly fading into the distance behind them, almost as if he would see Frank walking out any minute, ignoring the concerned glances Mikey kept shooting him out of the corner of his eye.
They had been stuck there for a little while longer after Mikey's arrival, dealing with a few more minute details, as well as waiting for Frank's mother to show up so they could explain what had happened, Gerard having finally called her after Mikey's soothing words of encouragement had helped him to calm down some.
Linda seemed to be in shock when a small nurse escorted here into the room, her eyes wide and glazed as Gerard informed her that Frank was gone, not a word left her lips as she followed the doctor back into the morgue so she could see Frank's body for herself.
When she returned, she was wiping her eyes discreetly, the corner of her lips trembling wildly as she listened to whatever the doctor was saying to her. After Dr. Jones took his leave, she turned to Gerard slowly, her body shaking slightly as she took his hand in hers.
"Thank you for everything, I will never be able to repay you for this, but I am so glad he was with you in the end, and I will always count you as part of my family," she choked out, a steady stream of tears falling down her face as she spoke.
It took every ounce of strength Gerard possessed not to lash out at her sorrow, not to blame her for everything that Frank had gone through, because in a way, this was her fault, because she was Frank's mother, and she hadn't helped him when he was in pain, she hadn't taken him to the doctor when he began complaining of headaches just to make sure it wasn't anything serious, she had done nothing for Frank, except for stand by and watch as his life crumbled down around him.
And yes - Frank may have forgiven her before he passed, and she had earned some of Gerard's respect over the last few weeks, but none of that changed the fact that Frank was now dead, and she could have prevented it if only she had noticed his illness sooner.
But Gerard was too tired for conflict, and all the hateful thoughts in his head could also be directed back at himself, because he hadn't stepped up either, and even though he had more of an excuse, he wasn't oblivious to Frank's head pains either, and the last thing either of them needed was spiteful words tossed around just because Gerard was hurting.
So Gerard choked back his unexpected fury, instead, squeezing her hand in a gesture of comfort, leading her over to the seat he had previously been in while she did her best to stem the flow of tears pouring down her face.
They had conversed for a little bit longer after that, sharing memories of Frank and working out the more gritty details, like the medical bills. Gerard had assured her that he could pay for it all, but she had refused, saying that she would put half toward everything, including the funeral, even though Gerard knew that she and Frank's father were not well off when it came to money, but honestly, he was too emotionally exhausted to argue any longer.
They had parted ways when Linda called Frank's father, giving him a chance to say his final farewells to the son he didn't deserve, and even though Gerard didn't want to leave Frank, dead or not, he wasn't ready to face Frank's father, especially not in his current emotional state, so he and Mikey took their leave, promising to meet Frank's mother at the funeral which was going to be held some time next week.
Eventually, Gerard could no longer see the hospital anymore, just the road and Pete following behind them in his car, so with a defeated sigh, Gerard slumped back down into his chair, his eyes fixed on his lap determinedly as a few tears dropped down his chin.
"You can talk to me Gee, I don't want you to hold this in," Mikey mumbled after a short period of silence, snapping Gerard's head up suddenly, the unexpected sound startling him out of the daze he had been in.
"I - I know, but I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. It hurts - fuck it hurts, but it sort of hasn't hit me yet, and in a way, I don't believe he's really gone," Gerard answered truthfully, his muscles tensing up as he tried to come to terms with the fact that he was never going to see Frank again, that he wasn't going to be there to greet him when he got home, that he wouldn't have anyone to make dinner for, or to cuddle with late at night as he waited for sleep to overtake his mind.
Mikey stopped the car in front of Gerard's house, but instead of getting out, he leaned over the center console, pulling Gerard into a quick hug, which Gerard relaxed into readily. Having Mikey with him was helping immensely, and even though his heart was aching, he hadn't fallen apart yet, and hopefully Mikey would prevent that from happening.
"I know, and I'm here for you, so is Pete. You aren't alone, and even though it going to be hard, we will make it through this - okay?" Mikey promised, and all Gerard could do was nod his head in response, his throat was clogged with suppressed sobs that refused to let any words escape past them.
Patting his back gently, Mikey removed his arms from Gerard's frame, getting out of the car quickly before coming around and opening Gerard's door for him, extending his hand out to Gerard when Gerard didn't immediately move, and of course, that only reminded Gerard of how many times he had done that exact same thing for Frank, and also how he would never be able to do that again.
But Gerard forced that thought out of his head, clasping his palm in Mikey's and standing up, allowing himself to be pulled out of the car by his brother, even though his legs felt shaky and weak, and he honestly just wanted to sit there for a few more minutes while he attempted to gather the last shreds of his composure.
But in all reality, Gerard could stay where he was for the rest of his life and he would never be okay, so even though it was the last thing he wanted to face, he knew he had to go inside sooner or later, even though memories of Frank hung everywhere in his home, like painting on the walls, but these weren't something he could tear down and hide under the bed, only to be pulled out at his discretion, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to enter the house without Frank by his side.
But he couldn't sit outside forever, and at least Gerard wasn't alone, he had Mikey with him, and also Pete, and maybe this was like a band-aid, something he needed to rip off quickly and all at once, and doing it slowly would hurt even more, not that Gerard could imagine being in any more pain than he currently was experiencing, but still, this was something he had to do, so with a deep sigh, Gerard dug his keys out of his pocket and began walking toward his front door slowly.
Gerard could hear Mikey and Pete conversing in soft tones behind him, but he didn't catch the words. They were probably talking about him anyway, about how he was going to hold up without Frank, and Gerard would rather not listen to their predictions about his life, or what was left of it now that Frank was gone forever.
Bracing himself the best he could, Gerard tugged open the door to his home, wincing slightly at the quiet that met his ears, not that he expected there to be any sound, but the silence seemed deafening, as if the entire structure was holding its breath, waiting for someone who would never again walk through these doors.
And for the first time in ages, Gerard felt like a stranger in his own house, because for two months, this hadn't been just his home, it had been his and Frank's, and without his boyfriend by his side, this was just another building, just another place, nothing more and nothing less.
Gerard's eyes darted around wildly, almost as if they had a mind of their own, and maybe if they searched hard enough, they would spy Frank trying to hide away from Gerard's prying gaze, giggling to himself at his lame attempt to surprise Gerard, but no - that was ridiculous, and Gerard needed to get a hold of himself before he lost his mind in this delusional state.
Forcing himself to stop looking for someone who wasn't there, Gerard walked further into the living room, trying to avoid the spot that Frank had collapsed on, not wanting to trigger a memory of Frank's final moments just yet - or ever really.
Gerard wandered around aimlessly for a bit, tugging off his shoes and throwing them in a random direction, which is something he would never have done while Frank was still there, because Frank might not have been able to see the small obstruction, and he could have tripped over it, but now Gerard didn't have to worry about things like that, but god - he would give anything to have that fear back as long as Frank came with it.
Stumbling upstairs groggily, Gerard's feet automatically carried him to the bedroom he had shared with Frank, and the sight of it almost brought him to his knees with sorrow, because nothing had changed - not that Gerard had expected someone to have miraculously cleaned up while he was at the hospital, but still - seeing Frank's clothes strewn out on the floor like they were just waiting for him to come back had Gerard choking on another sob, his legs wobbling as he made his way over to the bed, the sheets still rumpled from last night.
Gerard's strength seemed to give out just then, so with a soft sigh, he curled up on the mattress, pulling Frank's pillow to his face, and fuck - it still smelled like his shampoo. Gerard clutched the soft mound as if it was Frank himself, inhaling deeply to try and absorb as much of Frank's scent as he could.
"Gee - you okay?" Mikey's voice floated into the room, but Gerard didn't even bother lifting his head to ascertain his exact location.
"Yeah...I'm just - I'm gonna sleep for a bit," Gerard called back, his voice coming out weak and fluttery despite his best efforts.
"Okay..." Mikey answered reluctantly, his footsteps retreating back down the stairs after a few seconds, but Gerard knew he would return soon to make sure that Gerard wasn't doing anything harmful to himself.
And even though the idea seemed appealing, Gerard couldn't summon the effort to move, even just lying here was exhausting, and it wasn't long before Gerard found his eyes fluttering shut, tears pooling against his lashes as he allowed his mind to drift into slumber, the blessed darkness erasing all of his pain and loneliness for a few short hours.
Oops I added another chapter that wasn't originally in the story plan, I really need to stop doing that. I was supposed to write the funeral, but it felt weird jumping straight to it, so you guys got this instead.
So now there is probably three more chapters left, maybe four knowing me, but I swear to god I am going to finish this fic soon even if it kills me.
This chapter is dedicated to xmeaghanx for reading and commenting and all that great stuff.
((((updating vibes))))
<3 starr