"It is then he realises that certain things loom larger than forgiveness and reconciliation: memory, for one, and history, bloody history." ~ Omar Musa
The Daughter
I was still emotional about my dad and Beth's thoughtful gesture the following evening when I arrived back in New York.
The team had hit a wall of paper and I'd happily left them to it in order to spend that little bit of extra time with my family.
I never realised how much I'd missed being around my parents and Jack. When I was with them it was as though I was no longer the head of my own Unit living it up in NYC in my thirties.
But instead, I was their little girl, young and no older than eighteen.
But I liked it that way. Beth fussed over me and made sure I was eating enough while my dad warned me about men and the dangers of dating while in New York without my family "around to protect me" and then kissed my forehead goodnight.
They even checked in on me before they went to bed themselves.
It was overwhelming how much they cared for me, and I felt breathless and choked by my surprise at how I'd gone almost thirty years without having one parent at all; let alone two now.
Because I really did see Beth as a mum.
When I got back to my apartment I set the keys on the side table; punching in my alarm code and locking the door behind me; dumping my go-bag under the table and kicking my boots off by the coat-stand where I hung my suit jacket.
Sighing emphatically and tiredly to myself I padded through to my bedroom; hanging my gun-belt on the hook on the wall beside my bed and untucking my blouse from my suit trousers; smirking again at the fact that I'd lifted the wrong go-bag to take to the wedding in DC. Beth and my dad hadn't let me live that one down.
I flicked on the bedside lamp and immediately could sense that something was wrong.
Something was... off about the room.
I took a step back and turned towards the bed; knowing immediately it was something to do with there.
My breath hitched in my throat as I realised the two bedside tables had been rearranged. My alarm clock had been moved from the right night-stand where I stood, to the left one along with my glasses box, reading book, bottle of water and phone charger. On the right night-stand was now the main landline telephone and notepad.
My scatter cushions were also more arranged towards the left; rather than the right. And laid there, on my pillow which was now on the left instead of the right was a folded piece of paper.
Hurriedly I marched around the side of the bed to unfold the note with my nickname scrolled across the top.
My eyes were stinging as I peered at the beginning words, but were entirely blurred by the time I reached the end.
"Blue.
Blue. The colour of the sky. Infinite and complete, never-ending and beautiful. The possibility of countless days spent beneath it's blanket. The security of such a possibility. The knowledge that it'll always be there, never-ending and pure.
Blue. The colour of water. So effortlessly natural and ever-changing. The ability to be whatever it so wishes, the countless possibilities of size and volume. The knowledge that no matter how much or little of it there is, it'll always remain the same; pure, beautiful, sacred, natural, effortless.
Blue. The colour of diamonds. A natural entity yet so rare and wonderful and breathtaking. The ability to capture infinite colours in it's rays, yet never changing it's own colour. So precious and fragile that anyone to come across such beauty is overwhelmed by it's beauty and elegance and scarcity.
Blue. The colour of sadness. Sadness; the condition or quality of being sad. Sad; feeling or showing sorrow; unhappiness. Sadness, the one emotion people attach tears with, but the one emotion tears are not necessary to define. Sadness, the emotion that can paralyse a person and engulf them whole; steal their breath, their smile, their personality, their life and their being entirely without so much as one tear being shed.
Blue. The colour of her eyes. The lightness of them in the morning when she first awoke and that sleepy smile would make them that little shade lighter; the outer edges blue like the sky; slowly fading from the blue of the sky to the blue of the ocean to the blue of diamonds and finally, around her pupils, the kind of blue that only later I would attach to sadness; having experienced my own dose of the emotion in the absence of such wonderful eyes.
Blue. The colour of her eyes. The darkness of them in the evening when she yawned sleepily and gave me that patient smile from across the police station; insisting that she wasn't ready for sleep quite yet, that she was just as determined to put that son-of-a-bitch behind bars now than what she had been when her eyes were not the colour of sadness but the colour of diamonds.
Blue. That was the colour that reminded me of her. The colour that brought me back to the natural elegance and beauty of her entire being and entity. The colour that reminded me of everything that was important, really, of the one thing that was important. Love.
Blue. That was the colour of love. That was the colour that reminded me of how much I loved her. How much I will always love her.
Blue. That was the colour that made me realise that I will always be in love with you, Melanie Hotchner."
"I'm sorry," His voice said to me from the doorway and I looked up from the poem with tears running over my hand as it pressed against my mouth.
"I didn't mean to make you cry, I hate it when you cry." He said in a thick voice, slowly approaching me.
I shook my head and dropped my hand to hold the piece of paper with both.
"Spence..." I could barely speak; I was entirely lost for words.
"I am so sorry Melanie," He said in the thickest voice I'd ever heard him speak in.
He paused in front of me and waited until I slowly met his eyes; blinking mine free of my tears to find his own pearling his worried eyes.
"I should never have left things the way they were left, between us," He said slower than his usual quick speed and I opened my mouth to speak; but no words would come out again.
"I am madly in love with you, and I will do anything and everything in my power to be with you again." His voice broke nearing the end of his sentence and the tears slid from over his eyes; stealing every little bit of strength I had left in my weary body.
I lunged forward and threw my arms around him; breaking down into uncontrollable tears as I squeezed him so tight.
He brought his arms up to hold me to him and buried his face in my shoulder so desperately like he used to and I remembered all of the times he'd held me like this; as though everything depended on what was in our arms. Each other.
The Lover
We held each other for what felt like forever with her tears soaking my sweater and my own soaking her blouse.
But it didn't matter because for what felt like the first time in forever; we were not crying for heartache.
We were crying because we were finally realising how right we were together, and how relieved we were to have simultaneously reached this conclusion.
After eight months of secrets and whispering and sly sex we were finally agreeing to one another that we were still in love.
After a while she sniffed and then began chuckling into my shoulder.
I pulled back slowly in confusion, wondering how she could go from sobbing and crying to laughing.
"You're supposed to be a genius, so tell me how we could both be such idiots?" She asked, sniffing and wiping at her tears.
I smiled and sniffed too before reaching to wipe the pads of my thumbs under her eyes, holding her face in my hands; feeling like it was the most precious thing on Earth.
"Melanie," I said in a serious voice, searching her eyes before continuing.
"I'm in love with you. I will do whatever it takes for us to be together again. I'm going to leave Dylan, for good, because you are everything that I want. I love you."
Her eyes welled up with tears again and she licked her lips before covering my hands with her own.
"Spencer," She blinked up into my eyes before a smile plastered her face. "I've never stopped loving you, you gigantic idi-" She never got finishing her sentence.
Or else, she did but the word was swallowed by my mouth pressing down onto hers.
The Daughter
As we both lay there, naked; Spencer's gentle snores telling me it was okay to be thoughtful whilst his warm breath swept my bare chest and his body kept mine warm; I contemplated what was exactly happening.
My eyes were puffy from crying; my lips chapped from kissing; my body aching from Spencer and my heart throbbing with love.
But was it the right thing to do?
Were we going about this the entirely wrong way?
When Spencer and I first got together, it took us months before we slept together.
And if the truth be told; that's why our relationship worked so well; because it wasn't based on sex so quickly.
I was attracted to him in crazy ways, of course, yes, but they weren't immediate.
When I first joined the BAU he was a bit of a pain in my arse and I didn't hold a doubt that I intimidated him despite that being the opposite of my goal. But then we slowly grew to like each other and then became friends.
We were best friends before we realised our feelings and eventually began dating.
We were awkward like two gangly teenagers in-denial for months before we finally grew together and took that ultimate step that mature relationships take for granted and younger relationships fucking revel in. Literally.
But with Spencer and I; everything was slow and steady and measured and methodical.
We were logical and we were smart.
We done everything right.
But this time was the complete opposite. It was back to front and rushed and it was scaring me.
As I lay there I thought of the differences and what would happen if our friends were to find out.
And Dylan.
I'd broken that girl's heart way too many times and I felt like an A+ bitch for everything I'd done to her.
Dylan's life was just fine before I swooped back to DC and fucked everything up between her and Spencer by literally fucking him.
If I hadn't been directed to draft in the Quantico team that day; maybe things would be a lot different.
Would there be another man laid curled around me in this bed?
Would Spencer's mom's engagement ring be on Dylan's finger by now?
I gulped and wrapped my arms tighter around Spencer at the thought; my entire body reacting to the thought.
A person couldn't help who they fell in love with. But with Spencer it was as though it was inevitable that we be together.
We just... clicked. There was something completely inexplicable about our love and our relationship. Something so right, and so... us.
We were in love from the moment we thought we were going to die without declaring our true feelings to each other, and that hadn't changed for a second since.
I had my regrets, and I had many of them. And walking away from Spencer would forever haunt me.
If I could turn back the clock and travel in the Tardis to change everything, I would. Because I love Spencer more than I've ever loved any thing or any one else before. And I would do anything and everything to keep him, and to keep him happy.
In that moment I smiled contentedly with my fingers pulling through his mass of waves and I felt the familiar happiness overwhelm me.
I wasn't just Chief Agent Melanie Hotchner now. I was Melly again. And I loved it.
The Lover
I awoke with an annoying buzzing sound coming from the floor and I moaned, turning my face into the pillow before realising it wasn't a pillow and was actually Melanie's naked breasts.
If I was dreaming I did not want to be awoken.
"What's that noise?" She asked in her beautifully sleepy voice.
"My cell phone." I grumbled; my face now side-turned as her body stretched beneath mine before she wrapped her arms around me again.
"Are you going to answer it?" She asked around a yawn.
"Nope." I said as I rolled off her body and pulled her on-top of me immediately after, making her squeal in surprise.
"What if it's important?" She asked before sitting up in shocked realisation. "You're in New York!" She half-shouted. "What if you have a case?!"
"Melly, leave it, I told Garcia I was sick and that I wouldn't be in today." I pulled her back down onto my chest and her expression relaxed.
"You're sure...?" She mumbled before yawning again.
"I'm certain," I yawned too. "Go back to sleep."
"What time is it?!" She panicked after a few silent heartbeats. "I have work!"
I groaned and pulled her back into bed as she got up to get her cell phone.
"Spence," She laughed, batting me away with her pillow. "I'm calling my team to tell them I'll be working from home today," She laughed. "I'm not leaving you."
I smiled at those words and turned to kiss the bear skin of her back which was pressed to my face.
"I love you, Melly."
*
When I awoke again I was face-down in the pillow which smelled of Melanie on my usual side of the bed and turned onto my back in a haze, hearing her enthusiastic voice coming from the living room.
I looked at the night-stand and groaned as I realised it was afternoon and her team had obviously called for help.
I sat up and sighed. Heaven was bliss until serial killers took on helpless victims.
I yanked on my underwear before standing at the bottom of the bed; completely baffled as to where the hell my shirt had gone.
Running my hands over my face and rubbing my eyes to wake myself up some more, I settled on my sweater and yanked the wool over my head; almost tripping over my jeans on the way to the door.
When I got into the living room, Mel was off the phone.
"Good afternoon sleepy head." She smiled from the two-seater table by the bay-window overlooking the magnificent city.
My breath was stolen though by the magnificent view.
And I wasn't talking about out the window, either.
Melanie's long tanned legs were folded in front of her; the top leg bouncing slightly as she hurriedly wrote something in a black journal; the journal she kept for the update of her team.
Her darkening hair was messy and wild and completely uneven and frizzy as it lay resembling a nest on the top of her head.
But her body was covered only by my shirt; my pale blue and white striped shirt which would never look the same on me ever again now that I'd seen it on such a breathtaking body.
Melanie got up from the table, dropping her pen and yanking the band from her hair with a bright smile at me. She pulled off her glasses and dropped them onto the table afterwards too.
"You okay, sleepy?" She asked with a smile and I realised I hadn't replied to her previous words.
But I didn't even reply to her question as I took her body against my own and fervently kissed her with passionate lips.
"Good morning." I said against her lips, her breath fanning my face.
"Good morning," She repeated in a laugh before she took a step back and tugged on my hand, leading me towards the kitchen asking,
"Coffee as usual?" I hummed my reply and sat at the breakfast bar, watching her lithe body move around the kitchen.
"You've been working out." I stated as she set the cup down in front of me.
"What?" She laughed self-consciously, her cheeks glowing.
"Am I wrong?" I asked, nursing my cup to my lips.
"Well, no..." She said bashfully, leaning back against the counter opposite where I sat. "But so have you." She said, nodding to my arms and I chuckled.
"Hardly, Mel." She arched an eyebrow and marched around the island to where I was sat, yanking on the sleeve of my sweater and pointing to my biceps.
"Do not try to tell me that those were there when we were engaged cause I so don't believe you. And besides, you cannot kid a kidder. Your gym stamps say otherwise." I narrowed my eyes.
"Your points score with the academy gym is on a different scale. Literally, they've had to create a new table just so others can win cause you keep taking all the awards." She rolled her eyes and scoffed before the pair of us burst into laughter.
"I'm so happy to have this back." She said and I reached forwards, taking her hand and yanking her to my side, wrapping an arm around her waist. Standing, she was the same height as me sat on the bar stool.
"I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time." I agreed, pressing a light kiss to her lips.
"Doctor, don't tell me your genius brain has lost the cells on how to kiss me now, have they?" She mock-gasped and I smirked, rolling my eyes and huffing as though it was a soul-destroying task.
I set my coffee down with my other hand, pushed out from the bar a little bit before I yanked her up onto my lap; completely taking her by surprise at (a) this out-of-character movement (b) the unexpected move and (c) the strength to do such a thing.
As she instinctually wrapped her arms around my neck, squealing, I smirked proudly and ran my hands along her hot thighs, wrapping her legs around my waist and the back of the stool.
I then ran my hands back up her legs to her waist and around to the small of her back; slamming her torso to mine as I stole her gasp and breath in a heated and hot kiss she'd never had before.
The Daughter
There was clearly so much of Spencer I'd never seen before; and the fact we were reunited - as a couple rather than as a body - was bringing out all the sexy hormonal stuff he'd never really shown before.
After our almost-fuck in the kitchen, I made us both some brunch with frequent interruptions by Spencer's lips on the tender areas of my neck, or his arms around my waist or his breath slipping down the back of his shirt tickling my neck as he stood so close.
When brunch was over he took a shower while I caught up with the team and then I showered.
"I don't want to go back." He whined on the sofa that afternoon; wearing one of my oversized hoodies and his boxers.
"I don't want you to go back, either," I agreed with a sigh, pulling my fingers through his hair.
He was laid out on the sofa; his gangly legs dangling way over the arm while his head rested in my lap; my feet folded on the coffee table.
"But you have to, you know that right? I mean all it would take is for Penelope to track your cell-phone and find you in New York for everyone to know you're with me." I explained and he chewed on his lip guiltily.
"Spence?" I prodded in confusion.
"I turned the tracker off..." He said slowly. "Because there's something I want to suggest..." He swung his legs off the sofa and pulled his head from my lap, twisting side-ways on the sofa, pulling his right leg up beneath him so he was facing me side-on.
I twisted too so we were both face-to-face. Whatever this was, he was being serious.
"We both said earlier that we need to take this slow, without everyone else interfering or knowing, right?"
I nodded my head.
We'd both said that it'd only be awkward and clumsy if we told anybody we were back together just yet. They could find out in a few months time once Spencer and I were really properly used to being a couple again.
"Well, I thought that," He got up from where he was sat and crossed to the armchair where his trousers lay folded now over the back. He reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a key.
"I could give you this," He said, approaching me again to sit back down on the sofa next to me.
"That way, whenever you're finished a case, you can come to the apartment and whenever I'm back from my case we can spend time together in DC. That way it'll also be easier for you to spend time with Beth and Jack again. And your dad."
I nodded my head, pushing the lump out of my throat.
"But what if... You're finished first, and I'm still on a case?" I asked and he shrugged, licking his lips.
"Then I guess I'll hang around until you're finished." I shook my head and got to my feet, walking hurriedly to the side table in the front hallway by the door, going into the drawer to remove the spare key.
"You take this key and I'll take yours," I said. "If I'm finished first, I'll come to DC and wait for you to finish, and if you're finished first, you can come to New York and wait for me."
"You're sure?" Spencer mused as he looked at the key in my hand.
"Spencer, if I wasn't sure, I wouldn't have slept with you last night and told you about a dozen times how much I love you. Yes I'm sure."
I chuckled and he smiled too, nodding and chuckling bashfully before we took each other's keys and wrapped ourselves around each other again.
We could do this.
Flashback #2
Spencer
I rush inside the building; huffing and puffing as the elevator doors close as I'm half-way across the lobby. Moodily slamming on the elevator buttons I look up at the dial and groan aloud as I realise they're both occupied and will probably take a minimum of four minutes and nineteen seconds before they reach the ground floor to where I'm impatiently waiting.
No, instead I weave my way through the patiently awaiting agents and push my way into the stairwell; taking the stairs two at a time.
My mind is still fuzzing from sleep and my eyes feel heavy from lack thereof, but I'm fine.
Well, at least, I will be once I get into the BAU.
If I'm not there in under forty seconds I will officially be late.
Well, not late, late but late in my own terms, at least.
I push out of the stairwell; my face flushed and my heart thudding.
I really was not fit whatsoever.
Immediately I frown at the unfamiliar voice I can hear in the foyer and realise JJ is talking to a woman I don't recognise. Or, at least I don't recognise the back of her.
The pair are shaking hands and JJ seems thrilled to be talking to whoever she is.
"I'm not late am I?" The woman asks and I realise with a stab that the unfamiliar voice is accented.
"No, not by any means, in fact I think you're early..." JJ is saying as I approach.
"By eight point three three minutes." I announce without even meaning to.
As soon as the woman turns to look at me I curse myself from head to toe.
Why do I have to open my mouth? Morgan is always telling me to stop blurting useless information when it's not wanted.
JJ pauses as she's half-turned for the glass doors into the bullpen.
"Ah," She chuckles. "This is Doctor Spencer Reid," She leans forward closer to the woman, thinking I can't hear her as she tells her I 'don't do hand-shakes'.
How kind of her to think of my comfort in a time like this when I've already humiliated myself twice in the space of mere seconds.
"Reid," JJ turns to me with a bright smile and warning eyes; clearly telling me to be nice and hold on the rudeness.
"This is the latest member of our team," She explains slowly, as though she's trying to tell me some other message that I should be picking up on, when really I have no clue why her eyes are looking at me in that way. "Agent Brenda Joyner."
At the sound of her name something sparks within me and a moment later I realise who this woman is.
"I didn't know Agent Kate Joyner had a daughter."
And there it is!
JJ raises her hand to her forehead, shielding her eyes for a second before rubbing her forehead lightly.
So that's the thing I was supposed to pick up on. Oh.
"I don't even think she did, Doctor." Joyner says in a forced happy tone and I marginally narrow my eyes before looking at the woman properly.
From behind it was obvious she was going to be attractive; tall; slender; blonde with an hourglass figure; a black fitted suit jacket adorned to her shapely arms and tight black denim jeans showing the muscle in her legs; not to mention the impressive high heels.
But now that she's right in front of me, I can see her beauty.
She has a scatter of freckles over the bridge of her nose and the most beautiful shaped mouth I've ever seen.
She's smiling at me, which makes her even prettier, but she's not just pretty; she's naturally beautiful.
Her face, is a mathematical masterpiece. She's all symmetrical and perfect angles. There's nothing negative about her.
Except maybe the bump in her nose to show evidence of her FBI career.
And the slight marginal chip from her front right top tooth.
But her cheekbones are high and her jaw is angled; her cheeks are full and contoured in all the right places.
"Are you mad because the newbie bet you upstairs, Reid?" JJ says to break the silence which was growing slightly longer than a simple pause.
"No," I scoff in a defensively embarrassed tone, my pitch higher than usual.
JJ immediately spots this and smirks, knowing that I find Brenda pretty.
"I was just..." I look between the two women rapidly trying to think of something to say. "Thinking of an equation." I practically yell before pushing through the glass doors and away from their pressing stares.
Great, now Joyner probably thinks I'm a freak.
Well, I'll give her five minutes around Morgan who'll have her swooning and he'll soon set her straight in regards to myself. So really, she'll think I'm a nerd who still wears diapers.
Excellent, welcome to the team Agent Joyner. Really, welcome to the freakin' team.
Flashback #3
Spencer
"I apologise for the recall," Aaron says, entering the conference room just as we're all taking to our seats at the round table.
"I know it's been a long night, but we've been called in to assist on a case involving three children." I look down at the empty table in front of me; where's the file?
"Sir, nothing's come past my desk." Garcia says quietly with an apologetic expression as though she has no idea what Aaron is talking about.
Suddenly my gut begins to tell me that this isn't good.
You'd have thought it would've told me this twenty minutes ago when Aaron sent out a mass text ordering us all back to the BAU ASAP.
We had no further information other than that, and now it was beginning to drag on past that of suspicion.
"It's alright Garcia, this one came directly to me." Aaron explains and we all share a mutually confused look.
"But I thought that didn't happen anymore?" Morgan asks and Aaron nods his head, moving to stand in front of the screen, looking down at us smugly; enjoying the fact that he knew exactly what was going on and we had no clue at all.
"You're quite correct, that doesn't happen anymore. But this is a special circumstance. Now, I know it's been a while but I'd like you all to bare in mind that this is an active case that we need to keep the head on, okay?" I narrow my eyes further. What exactly did he mean by that?
His choice of wording was suspicious, as was his expression and his body language told us he was excited about something, but how could he be excited about a case?
"Aren't you going to tell us about the case?" Prentiss asks and I incline my head in agreement, keeping quiet as I usually do nowadays. Especially when it comes to Aaron.
"Actually, I'll be doing that," A familiar voice explains and my entire body goes numb.
My blood runs cold and I feel tears and heartache and memories and pain and sorrow and love flood my veins and choke my throat.
"Good morning everyone." Melanie says sheepishly from the doorway with a blushing smile and an unknown accomplice.
"Mel what're you doing here? You didn't mention anything about a visit the last time we talked!" Garcia rushes to her feet but Melanie holds up a hand to halt her in place, her expression apologetic whilst her body language remains professional and poised.
I sneak a glance at Aaron to see them him just as proud and happy now as what he was when we announced our engagement.
Because of course, those days haunt me now more than ever.
I stare at Melanie, feeling betrayed and hurt by Aaron that he hadn't taken me aside at least to prepare me for this revelation.
Why would he let me face her again after everything? Why would he still want me working on this case after everything?
Was he aware of the weeks I'd had to take off work when his precious daughter left me and broke my heart?
"This is my PA; Cadet Ainsley Hart." I come back to the present to realise that I've missed some of what Melanie has said already and I blink tearfully from her to the young woman standing behind her.
She has long black hair and sharp blue eyes; watching everything under a composed expression but clearly forgetting nothing.
I look from the woman back to Melanie, appreciating the fact that now attention was diverted to her PA.
She'd changed.
Damn had she changed.
Her hair was a little shorter, and it was lighter than before.
The last time I'd seen her it had been long in a mass of her natural brown curls.
But now it was a light caramel with golden buttery highlights. It was nice, but it wasn't Melanie. She was trying to cover up from her past and run away from the memories of what was once here.
But unlike her, I had to live with the memories each day.
Her face was thinner; paler; less twinkling and more older now. She had bags under her eyes and blue shadows which she'd tried to hide with more makeup than I remembered her ever wearing before.
She was wearing a skirt suit too, and I remembered her new superior role and I realised with a stab of surprise that she'd actually changed herself for her new role. I never thought that Melanie Hotchner would change herself in such a way.
Melanie loved her jeans and blouses and suit jackets that she wore to work. She loved it because she was comfortable that way and I can still hear her voice telling me,
"Spence, you can't do your job properly if you're not comfortable. In yourself, in your appearance, in your attitude, in your mind. And believe it or not, the clothes you wear impact greatly on all of that."
As I look at her now I feel a lump form in my throat and know I won't be able to work on this case properly if it's alongside her.
How dare she come back.
How dare she come back into my life like this and demand that I help her?
She needs my help? Now? After two years of torture and Hell that she put me through?
I look back up at her and our eyes meet for a split second.
She looks eager and hopeful but sheepish and uncertain and apologetic.
I realise then that she doesn't want to be here just as much as I don't want her to be.
Actually, with a stab I realise that I do want her here, Hell of course I do, I want her to never leave, that hasn't changed since I'd last seen her two years ago.
But if she is here, then I am not. And I cannot work with my hellish memories suffocating me with her presence.
Despite her thin face, she's fuller now with muscle. I can see that in the sleeves of her suit jacket and in her forearms as she rolls her sleeves to her elbows in order to start the briefing.
Her voice melts like butter over me and I know I should be paying attention to what she's saying because it's children and it's a case but I can't.
I can't pay attention because it's Melanie and I love her.
She may have broken my heart, but that didn't mean it wasn't still hers to mend.