At 12:45, I arrived at the B-SAC. I sat in my car for a few minutes contemplating if I should go in there and just quit. I'd done a lot of contemplating that morning. I contemplated joining a convent, becoming a hermit, even becoming a mime; really, just anything that would remove me from any social situations for the rest of my life. It had taken me 17 years to realize it, but I was socially awkward, and was probably doomed to be for the rest of my life.
I took a deep breath and put my head on my steering wheel. "Pull yourself together, Rae," I thought. "Who are you if you can't stand up to some boy?" So, feeling confident, I lifted my head off the steering wheel and reached left the car. I walked in to the front entrance with my head held high, my mini cooler of water held confidently, and my sunblock applied evenly.
I had taken maybe twenty steps in to the pool area when my confidence crashed on me because, obviously, the first person I saw when I walked in to work was Patrick. He locked eyes with me, trying to read me for some clue as to what I was feeling. I had a second, maybe less, to decide what I wanted to do here. The silent treatment? Ream him out? What statement would I make?
Drumroll please....
"Hey Patrick!" I smiled, waving enthusiastically. His expression changed, not in to a look of relief, but a look of confusion. He knew I was supposed to upset, infuriated even, yet I was acting chipper. It was in that one moment of total confusion on Patrick's face that I had chosen the right technique. Nothing makes a person feel more guilty than acting like nothing is wrong.
I turned in to the guard room and put away all my stuff, telling everyong hello, with real enthusiasm, as Patrick followed in behind me. As I clocked in and got ready to start the day, I could feel the eyes of everyone in the room, still wondering what was happening between me and Patrick. I ignored them all as I fastend on my fanny pack and adjusted my visor. As I turned around to take a spot, I turned directly in to Patrick, hovering over me.
I did a touble take, Patrick's finely chiseled pecks staring me directly in the eyes, as I moved up to his face. His dark hair was pushed back by his sunglasses on his face as I watched his eyes once again search mine for a sign.
"Pretty close there, Patrick?" I laughed awkwardly. Despite my comment, Patrick made no movement. I quickly glanced around the room and all the other guards had left, if it was to give us privacy or to go to their positions, I never figured out.
"Rae, can we talk?" Patrick asked, his low voice shaking the core of my body.
"What's there to talk about?" I smiled, but using a voice heavy with bitch tone
"Come on, Rae, I know that you're upset," he said with a snappy tone.
"Water under the bridge, Patrick. Really, I have nothing to be mad about," I shrugged.
"I really just want to-"
"We open in five, you guys," Avery said, poking her head in to the room. "Wrap it up." I looked up at Patrick who was still staring intensely down at me. I moved to the side and headed towards the door, grabbing a tube and strapping it on.
"Better get going," I said, monotone.
"We are not done here," Patrick said, walking past me. "Not by a long shot."
I rolled my eyes and walked to my spot, hovering seven feet above the deep end. As the day started and the local kids rushed in the front entrance. I looked around at the pool, at what I had gotten myself into. Now that I was permanent staff, I was quickly reminded the things I love and hate about lifeguarding. As people of all ages splashed around and screamed, I didn't find myself thinking about Patrick or my dad or anything relevant.
All I could think about was how I hated everyone who comes swimming. If you're a baby, you're cute, but I hate you. If you're a child, again, cute, but I hate you. Pre-teens, I reaaaaallly hate you. Teens, ditto for that. Adults, grandparents, hatred.
You know, it's not that you're bad people or anything, it's just an occupational hazard. And so, it wasn't until the day ended and I was headed home for the day that I suddenly remembered all my woes, and I groaned aloud. I turned around quickly to see if Patrick was on my tail, and was relieved to see he wasn't.
I walked out of work with a skip in my step and whistling a tune, and I sauntered up to my car. I reached inside my bag for my keys and searched and searched and searched. Aaaaaand, obviously, they weren't there. I smooshed my face up against my car and there they were, lying on the passenger seat. I was about to reach in to my bag to get my phone so I could call my phone, but once again, my phone was obviously locked in the car, right next to the phone. Fate sure was against me that day.
"Can I help?" I turned around quickly, there was no suspense who was saying that. Because it would obviously be Patrick because that's how my life obviously worked now that I lived in Snow Beach.
"Patrick, of course!" I said, flailing my arms up in the air. "Just the person I want to see!" I grumbled to myself, some expletive about Patrick and my car and adding a f bomb directed at Dr. Klein.
"Let me give you a ride," Patrick said, gesturing towards his car. I rolled my eyes and laughed at him. "Well, if you don't mind me saying so, you don't have much of an option." I looked aronud the parking lot and everyone was gone and if I walked it would take me forever to walk home.
"If I get in that car, you and I both know, you aren't going to take me home to get my spare keys," I said, crossing my arms.
"Precisiely," Patrick winked
About 20 minutes in to my drive with Patrick, he finally spoke. We had headed out of town and were now on some country road, covered in the shade of large trees. He pulled over the car and turned towards me and took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry," Patrick said. "I'm for everything. For getting you punched in this face, for making you think I hated you, for making you think I like you and then making out with another girl. I'm sorry for all of it." His voice was winded, like he had just ran a mile. It was clear that he had been holding that in all day, and it almost seemed like it had been painful for him to keep it in. I wanted to say something back, but I couldn't think of anything. Instead, my mouth stayed firmly shut as I stared at the ground.
"Rae," he said softly, tilting my head towards him. "I've never been so ashamed of how I've acted than I have now with you." I looked back up at him and his eyes seemed genuinely sad, like he'd made some sort of huge mistake. In that moment I knew for certain that I wasn't actually mad at him. More mad at myself for being so stupid. Mad that he did it, yeah, but if I wasn't such an indecisive bitch... let's not even get started on that.
"Honestly, Patrick, as much as I am mad at you, I have no right to be. You made out with another girl, I went on a date at Lance. It hurt, but I shouldn't be mad. As for the rest of it, it really is water under the bridge," I replied, gazing at him. His beautiful eyes took in every word as he nodded slightly to what I was saying.
"I understand, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I like you. I like you a lot, and I should not have done that. I think I was afraid of just that though, liking you a lot." My heart was doing backflips and my skin felt like it was covered with needles. But, the pessimist inside of me just had to poke at his argument.
"We barely know each other, Patrick. You shouldn't have to do this," I stated.
"We may have gotten off to a rocky start, but like I said. You are a breath of fresh air and something about you is just... I don't know, I'm not the best with this kind of stuff don't ask me to describe it. It's just everything you say makes me laugh and you're beautiful and... I'm sorry this is stupid."
"No," I smiled shyly. 'I just never realized I was such an appealing person before." Patrick rolled his eyes and smirked at me.
"I know you say I'm hard to read, but I'd like for you to be able to read me like an open book. I like spending time with you, and I enjoy every second of it. Even when you walked down in to the dune to see my sorry drunken ass, I was happy to see you."
"Oh, um, thanks?" I replied, my eyebrows raising in confusion.
"Okay that was stupid but-"
"Patrick," I chuckled. "This is all very uneccessary. We are barely even a thing, it's really okay that we had all these bumps in the road. Maybe it's a sign to just give up?" I regretted what I said almost immediately, having no idea where such a thought came from. Patrick's face didn't waiver though as he continued on.
"I think you and I both began our friendship or whatever you want to call it, both under the impression that we would hate one another and could only ever learn to tolerate one another's presence. But I think now, after getting to know each other things could be different."
"What do you mean?"
"I think, if we both knew going in to it that we would end up being attracted to one another, and I'm jsut going out on a limb thinking you like me after the way you ran at the dune, that we could be good together. And if you're up to it, I'd like a chance to start over; to do this thing right," Patrick suggested, grabbing my hand. "You and I need a chance to start over with no Lance, no random girl, no Josie. Just you and me, making this work."
He stared at me, waiting for me to answer, but he didn't wait too long. What he said, despite babbling a little bit, made absolute perfect sense.
"Absolutely," I smiled.
It was hard to imagine, how quickly I was able to forgive Patrick. What he did, it wasn't exactly cheating, but definitely in the same category, but I forgave him in only a day. My dad on the other hand had cheated on my mom, and I haven't forgiven him in over a year. Why were the two so different? How could I be so quick to forgive one and forget the other?
These questions bothered me, but what bothered me more was that I knew only one person could help me. As much as I hated Dr. Klein and everything she said, I knew this was an actual question that she could answer. And for the first time ever, but definitely not the last time, I wanted to talk to my therapist.