MADISON'S POV.
After a few long moments of numbness I finally started to process what just happened and emotions that I never felt before bubble inside me like red-hot, burning lava. The strange feelings started in my stomach, hot and fiery and uncontrollable as it crawled it's way upwards, into my chest, making it hard to breathe and finally to my lips, where I began to fire verbal abuse at my mother.
For the past eight years i've been dreaming of getting out of those traincarts, hoping that whatever was outside would be worth the unexplained pain and lost time. To be free again.
But now, everything's different.
I was wrong.
I'm not free.
I've never felt more trapped in my whole life. I thought the answers I've been craving for so long would bring comfort, would bring reason and closure.
But they don't. It was just a mistake, an accident that our whole family had to pay the price for.
How different would our lives have been had she just stayed home that night?
Ben would be alive.
Abbie would have happy memories of the childhood she was robbed of.
Nick would've blossomed into a normal teenager instead of this total mute. He would be more of a brother to us than just another surviver in a small group.
I would've been different too, I know it. I wouldn't be covered in scars from head to toe. I would've grown up with all of my siblings, happily. I would've gotten old enough to get a real job to help my family. I would've got to make friends, finish school, learn to drive a car, maybe travel a little bit. Instead all I've seen for the past eight years were the four corners of a dark train cart.
"Sweethear.... Madison? I'm so, so sorry. I know that words can't help what i've done, but I don't know what else I can say or do. Are you mad?"
"Am I mad? AM I MAD? Are you fucking joking?" I shout. My hands shake so hard I wonder if the towel I'm still clinging to will even stay secure around my body. I should be freezing here, standing with nothing but the towel on but my burning rage keeps me warm, too warm, uncomfortable even.
"We have spent years of our lives trapped in a train-cart, because of you. I had to raise my baby sister because you were off being the worlds dumbest prostitute, I mean, you couldn't even do that right!"
"We were starved because of you. My brother was killed because of you. We were tortured because of you. Our dad left because of you and because he left, he died because of you. We weren't even that desperate, that you had to go off."
"Ben and Nick were doing just fine getting money on their own. We didn't need you. We never did. We'd probably be better off without you. Our family has been shattered because of you! All I have left is Nick and Abbie." I spit, breathlessly, ignoring her many attempts to defend herself during my rant.
"I...I'm sorry, Maddie. I... You still have me." Her voice is barely audible.
"No, I don't! I lost you long ago! Good fucking riddance too." I tell her.
"You don't mean that. You're angry. You always say things you don't mean when you're angry. You're just like your father." She clips back.
I turn away from her and close my eyes.
Breathe in and out Madison.
Count to ten!
CALM DOWN!
The truth is, I feel like a ticking time bomb and I'm about to explode. I will destroy anything in my path and I know who my first target will be. I grit my teeth and squeeze my fists tighter to stop them shaking.
I turn calmly and grab the clothes off the bed.
I resist the urge to look away from her and instead I force my eyes onto hers. My voice comes out so cold and chilling that even I feel a shiver run down my spine.
"I meant every word. I hate you and I want nothing to do with you."
The words feel sour on my tongue. Maybe even wrong but I don't care, I'm too angry too think. Too angry to wonder if my words are even true.
With that, I walk out of the room without another word before my mother can stop me.
The next emotion hits me by surprise as I feel a lump form in my throat and I clutch at my chest as if trying to hold my heavy heart in place, trying to save it the pain of dropping and shattering into a million pieces. I force myself to keep it together until I reach my room and I struggle hard to fight off the tears.
I fight agains the blurry door handle but when I finally yank it open and close it quickly behind me I blink the tears from my eyes. I feel relief wash over me that Abbie isn't still in here, she shouldn't have to see this. I lean against the door to catch my breath, to gather my thoughts but there are too many running around in my head. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to fight. I want to run. I slide down the door and onto the ground.
A sob breaks through my chest and I bury my face in my hands. I'm so pathetic. I never cry! What is wrong with me? Why can't I keep my shit together for two fucking minutes. If I'm not screaming at someone or attacking them then I'm crying.
So stupid! So weak!
Maybe if I pretend i'm not here then I can pretend this didn't happen. I want to pretend that the ground would split open and swallow me whole or that this was all just one big horrible dream and when I wake up everything will go back to normal.
But pretending is for kids and I never had a chance to be one, neither did Ben or Nick or Abbie. Especially Abbie.
She ruined everything for us.
I feel the tears building up inside me again, just as they did earlier when Carl was around but this time I don't try to hide it, I let them come and hope that once I cry properly I won't cry again. Ever!
I'm not sure how much time passes while I take the time I need to pull myself together again but eventually I get back up to my feet and throw on my clothes. I've been sitting in that towel for far too long.
I hear voices from outside the door.
"She never told us that her dad left, she just said he died. How did he die?" It sounds like Ricks voice.
"She told me. She said that her dad left and died in a car crash later that day." Even if I hadn't recognized Maggie's voice I'd know it was her, she's the only one I told the full story to.
"When did she tell you?" Rick asks.
"When we were back in those buildings next to the train-carts. I was cutting her hair."
"Guys, can we just leave her alone until tomorrow? Everyone heard the yelling. She's obviously upset so lets just leave her be. We can't just bust in there and start questioning her." I recognize this voice as if i've known it for years.
Carl.
I feel a swarm of gratitude towards Carl as he protects me. He's been very patient with me, I don't deserve it. But I'm selfish so I'll take it because I don't want to talk about my dad and I definitely don't want to talk about my mom.
"Rick, Carl is right. You can interrogate her tomorrow instead." Maggie says, her tone turns sour towards the end.
"I just don't understand her. She has too many secrets. She's not safe. I don't trust her!" He grumbles.
"Dad, you already said she could stay." Carl groans.
"Not if she-"
"Rick, these are secrets to her too. She's only finding them out now. We'll learn about them tomorrow. She's just a kid, leave her be." Maggie fires back.
"How many more secrets does she have Maggie? That's what I want to know. I bet we don't know the half of it. Kid or no kid, she's got the temper of a bull and it's gonna get us all in trouble. We need to know now what her mother told her. They're not safe to be around." He argues.
"Rick-"
"No. I'm finding out..."
I step away from the door as I hear footsteps approach it.
"Jesus dad! Stop!"
The footsteps are suddenly halted only feet from the door.
"Look, Madison isn't secretive. Not really...Okay, yeah she is but she's not plotting against us either. She just has a lot on her plate right now. That's all." Carl defends me.
Their voices are a lot clearer now that they're closer. I don't even need to stand at the door to hear them.
"He's right. Madison seems like a strong kid, but at the end of the day she's just like us and she needs someone to talk to too, even if she says she doesn't." Maggie agrees.
"I'll do it." She adds.
Ugh! I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm fine!
"No, I think I should do it. I've spent more time with her." Carl interjects.
"Yeah, you have. Haven't you?" Maggie's voice is teasing.
I hear somebody sigh impatiently.
"Fine! But I want you to report back every word." Rick demands.
"But dad-"
"-Every. Word."
It's only a few moments later that I hear a soft knock on the door.
Do I call him out on their not-so-subtle conversation?
Should I play innocent?
I sigh. "It's open."
The door opens slowly, only half way and he peaks his head inside to look around. The facade almost makes me laugh that he has to pretend he didn't already know that I'm in here.
"Hey." I smile innocently at him.
"Umm, are you okay?" He asks.
"Fine!" I answer a little too quickly.
His brows raise accusingly as he takes in my appearance.
I'm sure I look like hell. My hair isn't even fully dry yet. I don't need a mirror to know that my eyes are red and swollen.
"It's just, uh, you don't look fine."
"Gee, thanks. That's a real confidence booster."
He rolls his eyes. "You know that's not what I meant."
I'm tired. Exhausted actually and I don't want to have to pretend that I don't know where this conversation is going and who it's being reported back to.
My teeth grit together.
God, Rick really is an asshole.
"Why are you here Carl?" My voice is sharp like a whip.
He frowns, shocked by the sudden tension.
"What?"
"Why are you here?" I say again, just as coldly.
"I'm just checking up on you?"
"You mean, checking out what the yelling was about?"
"Er-"
"I heard you guys talking outside the door."
"Oh." His eyes widen and his face turns bright red.
Suddenly I'm laughing.
"Don't you love to see people squirm."
I can't help bursting into laughter but watching him so uncomfortable is hilarious and listening to him try to come up with a shitty excuse is even better.
After stuttering and stumbling on jumbled up words he suddenly turns furious, dropping the excuses completely. He just frowns then, crossing his arms and glaring at me.
"You're so infuriating. Pick a fucking mood! I can't keep up with you."
"Me neither to be honest." I shrug, not at all surprised by his reaction. I've been waiting for him to get fed up of me.
"Look 007, I know you have to report back to your daddy but believe it or not you are not the first person I had on my list to discuss my not-so-recent-recent family drama."
His jaw clenches and he continues to glare at me.
I'm not sure exactly what he's mad about now. Maybe the confrontation, maybe the sarcasm, maybe the rudeness, maybe all of it.
But if he actually wants me around he's gonna have to learn to deal with all of it.
Regardless, he can tell Rick later if he still wants to. I don't feel like speaking to his ass-wipe of a father. I need to tell Nick and Abbie first. I don't even know how i'm gonna tell Nick and I don't know what to tell Abbie. She deserves to know too, but she's just so young, but consisering all she has gone through I bet this will be a walk in the park.
"Look, I need to tell Nick before anyone else." I take on a softer approach.
Carl's face softens slightly too but I can still tell he's pissed.
"That's fair." He nods.
I groan internally.
Why do I feel guilty about the narcissism?
I've always had a sharp tongue but I've never felt bad about it. He's just too nice, it makes me want to be nice back.
Ugh! Even thinking that makes me want to puke.
"I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't be so snarky. I just can't help it."
"Well, I guess, considering everythin-"
"Stop! Stop doing that!"
"What?" He asks, shocked.
"Being so nice. It's painful, actually painful. Like can't you just dish the insults right back at me?"
"Probably, I just didn't think we were on that level yet." He jokes.
"Well, get there quicker. You're torturing me here."
He rolls his eyes and mutters something about being so dramatic.
"It must be a pretty messed up day for you, huh?" He asks, sitting down on the foot of my bed.
I sigh, leaning against the wall opposite to him. "You have no idea."
"I will tell you about my mother just not right now. I have to deal with Nick first. How the hell am I gonna tell him?"
"Just do it quick. Like ripping off a band-aid."
I scoff. "Fabulous advice. Thanks."
He shrugs. "Here all week. Full time service."
I roll my eyes.
Absentmindedly, my head turns to look out the window but instead I catch a glimpse of my reflection.
"Christ!"
"What?" Carl asks eagerly.
My semi-dried hair sticks up in all directions and just as I thought my eyes are pretty swollen but not a red as I imagined. Instead, the red blotches have moved to my cheeks. My clothes hang off me limply. I just threw them on, it's clear that I didn't put much effort in. My top isn't even on the right way.
"I look like hell!" I groan.
"No offence, but yeah." He teases and I'm surprised when I actually laugh.
I try combing my fingers through my hair and fixing myself up but give up after a few minutes with a sigh.
"Don't worry about it. You look...fine."
I chuckle at his awkward attempt to find the right word.
"Fine?"
He scoffs. "Stop fishing for compliments Madison."
"You know me, can't get enough of them."
"Actually, Uh, before I forget, sorry about earlier."
Earlier?
I try to think back on what he might have done to offend me, but I honestly can't think of anything.
"Umm, outside the bathroom." He reminds me.
"Jesus! Why would you bring that up? You're a recipe for disaster Carl." I shake my head in bewilderment.
I expected him to go red and struggle to find words to divert the conversation as he usually would, but instead he shocks me by laughing.
"Honestly, it's a lot worse for you than me. You were the one who walked outside with just a towel on."
My jaw hits the floor.
"Right! Okay! Lets never talk about that. Ever! "
He laughs so hard that he clutches his stomach and it taken aback. I haven't heard him laugh like this before.
"Don't you just love to see the shoe on the other foot?" He smiles widely.
I keep the perfect poker face. I don't want him to know how much his reaction bothers me.
"You're right Madison. I do like to see people squirm."
I can't help the smile then, no matter how much I didn't want to give in to him, the smile spread across my face involuntarily. Despite everything that happened today I find myself laughing along with him. What was just a silly joke set off a fit of laughter and if either of us looked at each other it would set us off again. My stomach hurt and eventually I had to turn away so I couldn't make eye contact with him again.
When we finally pull ourselves together and wipe our eyes of the tears of laughter I turn back around to him.
"Seriously though. Never talk about that ever!"
He holds his hands up in surrender.
Truthfully, I do feel a bit better now, but the daunting feeling of having to tell Nick settles in and suddenly everything doesn't seem so funny anymore.
"I think im going to go clean up and then tell Nick."
"Sure."
I leave Carl in my old bedroom, now promised to be Abbie's and I head to the bathroom before I have to tell Nick.