I spent the next two weeks in hospital, recovering.
It really sucked, watching my life pass away from the iron hospital bed. Mostly, I happened to be sitting and watching January slip away right in front of me. Surprisingly, all the lairs of soft snow simply started to vanish, yet the weather remained awful. I watched people cross the streets with their scarfs and caps, embraced with large jackets or coats. The life continued normally, but I just felt so empty inside.
I caught myself thinking about previous events a lot – they were always haunting me around, like a truly scary nightmare.
It was like last year repeated itself with a bonus.
But, luckily, I wasn't alone to experience all of the depression once again – Eren spent as much time with me as he could. Yes he still went to school, but every day on the exact same hour, his head popped into the room and he always brought stuff with him – books to read, laptop, stories to share, food, drinks, even if he was not allowed to. But as far as for my brother goes; he always did the exact opposite of what he was told, only to tease people or help them out.
I enjoyed his company a lot. Firstly, it was only the two of us, giggling and trying to push those creepy, depressing thoughts away and sometimes, it really helped. But as days passed, his parents finally arrived back and went all crazy on me with their worry.
It was really lovely, knowing, how much they care, but I really didn't want anyone else suffer on my account. That has been happening a lot in these past few years and I had it enough.
They usually came to check if I needed anything or started a quick talk and I was grateful for heaving them. But, week was surprisingly ending and I was finally permitted to see other people and not just my family.
The first to see me was, of course, the group of my silly friends. They all busted into the room one Monday evening, when I was almost sleeping from boredom, and I almost shitted my pants, like literally. Surprisingly, they all managed to crumple into the small hospital room, big smiles curved on their faces. Even though, I knew, they were putting on a façade and would be crying by now, but they stayed strong – for me. And I was so thankful for it.
I don't know how, but Connie and Sasha managed to sneak in a couple of large blue balloons, which they tied on my iron bed.
They all settled in quickly, Eren bringing his chair right next to my bed like always, but now followed with the joyful-looking Armin. He squeezed my hand happily, but I could decipher the pain in his lovely blue eyes. Ymir and Christa sat down on the table across me, holding hands and sending me cute smiles, as Connie, Sasha and Marco just hanged out next to the window. They talked and laughed with me, shared their stories and gossiped about whatever was happening at school. I've noticed, they never really asked me why I ran to the street, they just asked a couple of questions and I quickly realized why. Eren never really told them, why I changed school and that I've just beaten up a poor girl – but as quick as whispers can float around, some had to know by now and they were just not prepared to talk it out anyways. And even though they maybe knew, I was happy; they didn't judge me or worse – ditched me.
But one did - Jean. It didn't really surprise me, but yet again – there was no Levi. He never showed up between those doors, said hey or just planted a kiss on my lips, cheeks...
He never did so – and it made me even emptier. I was happy to have all my friends for support, but I missed his touch, eyes, figure so much these last two weeks it just hurt. I caught myself one night, staring at the bracelet he once gave me, as my cheeks sparkled in little tears. During the day, it was awesome to have friends to keep me company but at night I just closed myself down as my mind crowded with thoughts - about Levi, about memories we shared: those were the only sweet ones I could hold on. And I thought about all times I hanged with the group, smiled with friends, which I'll end up losing or hurting. I happened to be on the right path – I've hurt Jean.
I was even daring enough to ask Eren about the two jealous boys a couple of times, but I tried to make my questions sound not so suspicious, so Eren wouldn't get any idea. But stubborn as he can be, he usually replied with a shrug or with one simple sentence.
No clue.
Why would I care?
I really have no idea.
The most I've ever gotten was about Jean. Apparently, he was here the day of the accident and he hasn't seen him in school much lately. Levi, on the other hand looks completely normal to Eren's eyes, maybe with a twisted nose, but he really doesn't care and I didn't had enough guts to ask him any further.
Just hearing how Levi is doing was fine by me but it also hurt my feelings along the way.
He is apparently fine, so why has he not been here yet? Was it my entire fault? Did he push me away, because I went on rampage and slapped him?
It was sad to think about it, but at least I still had Eren, my friends and lovely memories of Levi constantly by my side.
+++
On one cold Sunday evening, a day before I could finally go home, I sat in complete silence, reading a simple book Christa gave me a few days ago. Visits were long forbidden that day, since the late hour threw the shadow across the local hospital. The only sounds, keeping me company, were nurses rushing up and down the hallways, the murmur of cold wind, moving the trees and cars moving in distance. Everything else was just the sound of me, turning the pages of Christa's long favourite series – The mortal instruments.
And let me tell you – the girl has an amazing taste!
As I was practically eating up the pages of the first book, the only thing, illuminating the place was moonlight. Even if I was killing my vision, I didn't care – reading has become a big part of me since I've woken up in a hospital only two weeks or less ago, but it just felt like I've been here for a whole month. All I could do was to move to the table in lunchtime, go to the toilet and do my quick fresh-up routine and that was it. Most of the days I just lay in bed, but not because I was lazy; it was because doctors thought I wasn't ready to face the world yet after my tragic accident.
But I sure hell was – I missed the sunlight on my face, running up and down with my friends, my home, going to places or just enjoying a good slice of pizza with Eren. And even if I had to wait I was hella impatient.
So reading a book on one of these boring days was just relaxing. I could step into that fictional world, created by the author, where all of my troubles were lost and I would feel so free.
But nothing was perfect enough without music – so I put on my little headphones and listened to my playlist of indie/alternative and classical rock. It just went along with the story.
I can say that as much as I want but the fact that putting on headphones and listening to loud music makes me completely deaf is quite funny. I can't hear a single sound and I really enjoy that feeling. But things can get super creepy if you don't hear a person sneaking in your boring hospital room in the middle of the night, hoping he won't stab you.
And that is just what happened to me.
Halfway across the chapter and listening to some sick beats, something little, but big enough for my eyes caught my attention and I almost freaked out.
Something jumped into my room and the noise of shutting door led afterwards. I was quick enough to press pause on my phone and drop my book in the middle of the sentence, just to look, who dared to come into my room in the middle of the night.
But as for the hospital rooms go in this town, they are designed as little not-interesting squares with an implant as the bathroom, all connected with a small hallway and with the addition of a single bed, large window, chairs and tables. So don't get me wrong when I say I couldn't see the person, even if I straightened up – it was not because, there was no freaking light around to see, it was because of the stupid hallway. Fortunately, it was so little I could only see a strange movement when someone shut the doors, but the sound made me jump up.
Yes, I said I get deaf while listening to music but that doesn't mean I can't hear a loud noise like that.
At first I thought it was a doctor but it would be really unprofessional to come and disturb a patient in the middle of a calm evening, so I immediately went for some crazy nurse. But on my surprise, it was none of that.
After I straightened up and eyed the direction across me for several seconds, a figure popped next to the wall, slowly moving towards me. I got a little frightened, since the person said literally nothing, just walked closer. I clenched my fists and backed away, until I realized I was still in the bed. And I could easily call for help.
Dammit Mikasa!
The figure was still in the dark, so I could only guess who it was. My lucky guess was quickly Eren, since the boy had no interest of paying the rules to much attention and the guy's hair was a true mess. But my heart oddly aimed for Levi, because I really had to be desperate to see him.
Sadly, the figure was too tall to be him, so I went with my first guess.
''Eren, you really shouldn't be here at this hour,'' was the first thing I could come up with. Strangely, the figure stopped moving and just tilted its head, observing me whole.
And stupid me thought I hit the jackpot. Stupid, really stupid.
But priceless had to be my expression, when the figure finally stepped into the light and revealed itself. I went from half smiling to surprise frowning in a flash, while my heart just curved into a ball. A doctor could quickly say I was sick just from looking at him, but I didn't care – all that my mind could process where bitter and hatred words, embracing me into the awkward memory.
'I thought you were better than this'
And I never thought everything would lead to an even more awkward moment. Jean was now there, standing across the room like a linden god, not moving, not saying a word, as my face turned to snow – melting and white of anger and sadness towards horse face.
What the fuck are you doing here? I would only think, but not say a word. I rather left him to explain himself first.
''Hey Mikasa,'' was the first thing he could say after weeks of not talking, not visiting and clearly avoiding me. And he went with a simple greeting as if we were best friends.
''Hey? What the hell Jean?'' I got a little carried away by my anger. I watched him sit in the chair beside me, glaring him in anger, as he just smiled awkwardly and spoke shyly.
''Yeah, sorry about scaring you, but I really wanted to see you.''
''See me?'' I let out a sarcastic laugh of surprise, but narrowed my eyes at him sharply. My hand flew to my chest, so I looked even more dramatic. ''You know you had,'' I stopped and pretended to be counting, ''a whole fucking week for that.''
Even if I acted cold and pissed, clearly making him super uncomfortable, at the moment I really didn't have the time to care. Jean just went back in the past, when my appearance made him red. Every. Single. Time.
Now his face was again flushed, but he tried to stay relaxed. I threw a bunch of pissed glares in his direction, but he seemed to have worked on his self-esteem these past few weeks. Unexpectedly, his hands quickly flew up; one grabbing my little fingers, one covering my mouth, so no more bullshit would be spoken.
I widened my eyes at the surprisingly warm feeling of his hands, as his brown eyes just spoke calmness. He didn't let go for a long time and talked further.
''Look Mikasa, I didn't come here to argue with you. I came here to apologize.''
His eyes moved up and down my face as he slowly let go of me. The warm feeling was quickly gone and I gave him a confused look, but just wanted him to continue. He seemed to notice my impatience, so he proceeded with his speech. He intertwined his palms and talked with such warmth and kindness, I never could have prescribed to his character.
''I want to talk about that night.'' Even if he waited, probably chocking on words, I already knew, where this was going. My face turned pale and I wanted to object, but he was faster.
''I want to talk about the New Year's night.'' There was a bitter expression, planted on his face, like the memories only hurt him. He was probably thinking about that awkward moment, when he came into the living room and saw... well, what he saw.
Now the memory was playing inside my head, and my eyes filled with tears. Levi.
''I know, I probably acted like a jerk, being angry at you and all,'' he said slowly, while his eyes drifted around the room.
''Honestly, you kind of did,'' I chuckled, finally throwing the anger away. Jean was so childish like and he ditched me – but he came and apologized.
He was my friend.
The brown-haired boy playfully poked me and laughed at my response, while I tried to look concentrated. But my mind was circling around one single thought, as my fingers automatically traced the thin bracelet; I had around my wrist as the source of sweet memories.
Jean at least showed up, Levi never did. The reality always played with my emotions, and I bend my head down, resisting the warm tears.
Jean noticed my sudden distance and his eyes traced my moves. Abruptly, his eyes stopped on my wings of freedom and something sharp started building up on his face. He straightened in his chair, harshly biting his lips. He withdrew his glance to the side, as he swallowed saliva loudly down his throat, clearly on purpose. But I couldn't look up – my eyes were suddenly red and I couldn't contain the pain anymore.
The silence was awkward, but Jean suddenly took a heavy breath, abruptly glancing at me as he spoke sharply.
''He gave you that bracelet, didn't he?''
It was not a question – he feared the upcoming answer and I had no power to lie. I sniffed and nodded, tears finally dripping down my skin. I didn't have to look to know, Jean's eyes darkened with my response – I felt the tension. And I stayed quiet.
Jean gasped and moved in his chair, as if he didn't feel comfortable anymore. But he didn't stand up, he didn't look away, he kept staring at me. He looked like; he would fall down, if he stands up.
But then, his final sentence caught me in the deadly paws.
''You love him.''
If there was any power left inside me, I would look up. I would show sympathy, I would probably say something stupid. But now – I just couldn't. He statemented the obvious and we both knew it, only that Jean will feel stabbed by the answer.
But I had no choice.
My head gave a final nod and everything went silent, only the soft sigh echoed across the room. Jean was obviously hurt and irritated by the answer, and I thought, he'll just jump up and storm out, but he didn't. He kept asking.
''Does Eren know?''
''No.''
''Has he come to visit you?''
''No.''
My sharp replies were hurting me like little knifes. It was the painful truth and I hated it, I hated looking so vulnerable in front of my friend. I hated the thought of crying in the small hospital room, where the walls are just covered with bitter feelings, sorrows, agony and harsh reality.
I felt so sad and powerless, as tears just kept coming.
Through all this time, I finally managed to give out the first sob.
And surprisingly, a warm hand found its way on my face again, whipping the tears away and softly squeezing my hand. Slowly, I yanked my head up and found Jean frowning at me. He didn't look angry or in pain, he simply looked sad, like he was sharing the pain with me.
I cracked him a little smile, and moved back, quickly brushing the tears away myself.
''I probably look pathetic,'' I tried to joke but he didn't laugh. His gaze never left my face neither did his hand move from mine.
''Y'know, if you're crying because of him, he's not worth it. Honestly, if he ever hurts you again, I'll personally beat him up myself.''
''Yeah, we'll see how that goes – but you'll just need a damn big amount of luck.''
Finally, the place was embraced with a soft laughter from the both of us. Jean let go of me and leaned back in his chair, as I just sat on my comfortable bed.
And we talked the night out.
+++
Tomato Jean returns!
Haha hey guys! Sorry for the late update...
I have a question:
Does anyone read the aot/snk manga? And if, I really want to know, what you think about the latest chapter. NO SPOILERS in the comments please, I'll just say: daamnn the feelllss.
But if you want to say a few decent words about it, you can always massage me :)