Gene and her little friend are both high, blazed, baked, and dazed out of their minds. The one with the green hair will not stop giggling and every time her body sways side to side, her very thin tank top reveals her bright pink lace bra right underneath. I can't stop looking at them, my words stuck in my throat with Gene just repeating her statement over and over again, her smile wide and genuine in a plastic, non-knowing way.
"Winnieeee, perfume now? Come on. Help us outtt! We can't smell like this; someone might catch us." She whispers the last part really close to my face before laughing, a bit of her saliva landing on my skin. I shake my head and my eyes widen. Gene is fucking here and my parents don't know about it. They still think she's gone, that she's lost and far away when she's here standing right in front of my fucking face with her terrible breath and wounded knuckles.
A bit of glow from the lights outside are gleaming through the window, this shadow going over her face, making her look like one of those creepy little girl ghosts from a scary movie or something.
"Jesus! Naomi, I knew we should've gone to Sheila's place! I even think she got some new perfume from that-that- whatever. That place! That she got it from that place the other day! This one over here isn't giving us any results!" Gene spoke, her attention going back on Naomi, with a few giggles releasing from her lips. I shake my head again and my lips separate but they still don't move.
"I told you we should've gone there in the first place! But you wanted to come back here, so look who's the fool now!"
Gene laughs.
"Fuck you, Naomi. And whatever, at least we got popsicles downstairs!"
"You got popsicles?!"
"Hell yeah I do! They're my sisters but I don't think lil Winnieeenieee will mind. Right? Right, lil Winnieeenieee?"
I finally decide to sit myself up and I show not one sign of amusement, everything on my face raw and open and naked and even though Gene is probably not in the right mind to speak about the situation at the moment seriously, I still need answers and I have to let her know that what she has put everyone through by leaving is fucked up. Damn, it's way fucked up.
'Where have you been?' I ask, pulling my covers off of me, my legs feelings shaky and weak, my whole body feeling exhausted from the amount of worry that had consumed me the past forty-eight hours.
She continues to smile and Naomi makes a 'ooooooo' sound in the background.
"Aw come on, don't bring down the party! We just want popsicles an-"
'Where have you been?'
I make sure to mouth everything exaggeratedly, making sure to sound out every syllable with my lips so she can understand. So she can get it in her thick fucking skull and answer the goddamn question.
My feet touch the cold floor and I feel goosebumps begin to grow across my skin in a fast reaction like a line of dominoes falling down once you push over the first one at the beginning. My adrenaline is pumping with my eyes stinging at the sides and my hands forming into fists. Neither of them step back.
"Geez! I was just having a little sleepover for a few days at Tony's! And if I knew you were going to be such a fucking stiff, I wouldn't have come back! I thought you wanted me back, I mean that is what you texted me."
She rolls her eyes and all of these emotions begin to hover over me, my body feeling like a small ant compared to the towering feelings of frustration, sadness, relief, and anger. I feel almost non existent yet ready to explode any minute. And whatever the case is, the conclusion at the end will be the same thing, I will feel gone and annihilated. I want to scream at her, yell so loud in her ears that she wouldn't be able to hear for a couple of seconds, tell her how much of a selfish dick she is, but also wanting to cry and hug her and thank something for bringing her back safe. It is all so overwhelming and maybe it would be better if I did scream, bring my parents to awaken so they can run to my rescue and see who came to visit. But I'm not even really sure how she came in the first place (By the sight of my once closed door open, I suspect that she probably just waltzed herself in with her little friend through the front simply, as if nothing mattered, as if everyone in this house hadn't all been mourning over her disappearance.) and my parents also haven't slept in a few days and deserve a few hours. This whole situation tastes like venom, but I feel myself take in a deep breath and I place my hand on her shoulder.
I'm unsure if I did it to reassure myself that she was actually here or for another reason all together. She doesn't shake my hand off and I feel tears beginning to well in my eyes. I don't even dare let them release.
'I do want you back.' I respond as cooly as an emotionally insane girl can.
Naomi groans.
"Geeeeeeeeene. I want a popsicle!"
With the limited amount of light, I can see a hint of something in Gene's eyes, but it quickly goes away when she shakes off my hand and begins to laugh again. Everything feels so cold. I don't have goosebumps on my skin anymore and I'm not shivering but it just does, a different type of cold altogether.
"Your wish is my command." She answers her friend or whoever that chick is, and she grabs her by her wrist before giving me one last glance and a chuckle before walking out of my room, Naomi almost stumbling over her feet in a clumsy manner in the process.
I stand there for a while and my fingers begin to play with one another, my index and thumb of my right hand rubbing my left up and down awkwardly in thought. I'm not sure what to do, or if I should do anything. My mind is racing and pulsing with all of these questions and comments that I want to say to her, but I'm afraid. What if it causes her to leave again? What if I don't do anything and she leaves either way, and what will I tell my parents then? It's all so much, however, my aunt's face pops up in my mind for a quick second, with her voice threatening me, whispering in my ear how she would hurt Gene if I didn't to as commanded. I always did as told, I always protected her and maybe that's why she's all fucked up now. Because I stopped. What if I abandoned her to the point where my aunt finally got to her right under my nose? Except my aunt wouldn't have been my aunt. No, the things that had hurt her were me and the world. What if I'm my aunt and Gene is the helpless child?
My feet are moving and the closer I get to them in the hallway, the louder their voices are. They're still giggling and as I walk passed my parent's room, I notice how the door is closed, how they're still sound asleep, unaware of anything that is happening. My heart just pumps faster and once I finally reach the kitchen, I see the two of them sitting on the counter with the box of frozen treats, the freezer door left wide open. I walk over to it and close it before sitting myself down in the kitchen table, facing them and the counter that Sylvia was making the ginger snap cookies on, the ones for the missing girl that still seems to be gone.
"You aren't opening it right!" Naomi states, snatching the bright yellow box before bringing it to her teeth and trying to tear it open with them.
"You don't open a box with your teeth you idiot!"
I'm just here, silent with them not even noticing my presence, much less my existence.
"Give it here!"
"No!"
"You're getting your bloody saliva on it!"
They both laugh again, Gene's face landing on her shoulder briefly with her eyes shut closed and her friend slapping the top of her thigh before placing her hand over Gene's mouth.
"We're gonna wake up your parents! Shut up!"
"Alright Alright! Just give the box to me and I'll stop!"
Naomi is wearing this pair of short, frayed jean shorts that reach the very top of her thighs. The rest of her legs are bare, these cuts and bruises spread all around her skin.
I glance over at Gene's injured knuckles again and I feel my eyes begin to water.
"What's wrong with your sister? And why is she just staring at us? Is she a nutter?"
Gene finally opens the box and grabs them each a wrapped popsicle, the fruit punch ones specifically. Her eyes finally land on me and I feel my lips separate and for some reason I shake my head. I just keep shaking it and shaking in disbelief of everything all at once. Maybe I am a fucking nutter.
"Oh god. Don't cry on usss. Come on! I came back! Geez like can you stop being so melodramatic? Come on! Here! Take one!"
She tosses a popsicle at me and it hits my chest before landing on my lap abruptly, the sound of the ice breaking loud and clear and just making me more sad. It's too early for this. It feels like I don't have control of this body machine my soul is operating.
They begin to lick their treats, their feet and legs swinging back and forth in silence with these bright smiles on their faces and god, it just seems so fucking wrong. Gene is acting as if nothing happened, as if the whole situation is miniscule and I'm here trying so fucking hard not to explode with this melting frozen fruit stick on my lap.
"Winnie. Go on! These are your favorites after all! Don't be such a party pooper!"
"Yeah, Winnie!" Her friend joins in.
I look up at the two of them and I can see the red on the sides of their eyes beginning to fade more and more, but still present, brainwashing them and seeming to put Gene on autopilot or something. Making her here but not actually here.
'Are you staying?' I ask.
Gene raises both of her eyebrows , taking one loud suck, her lips even popping annoyingly at the end before answering.
"Wait, what was that?"
'Are y-'
Naomi releases this loud laugh, one that sounds like a bike breaking on smooth cement and I lower my head slightly, my eyes trying so hard not to release anything.
"For a bloody mute girl, she is really one hell of a chatter isn't she?"
I lift up my head abruptly and I grab the popsicle and slam it on the table before getting myself up and walking over to Gene, her and her idiot fucking friend having a laugh at me. I'm crying now and I can't stop and I don't care anymore. I just want answers. I want to know what the fuck has happened over the passed few months.
'Are you staying?'
I repeat, my bottom lip beginning to quiver and Gene's eyes widening.
"What is with all these questions?! Is this some kind of interrogation? Yes I'm staying. I have always been staying. Just been having a bit of fun lately that's all."
Naomi whispers a curse in Gene's ear that I can hear most coherently, but I decide not to give it a second thought. She has just been having a bit of fun lately.
That's all.
Gene has been scaring the shit out of everyone and labels it as a fun thing to do. I'm tired. I'm too tired for this right now.
'No you haven't.' I say.
Gene doesn't laugh this time and while her friend begins to hum some fucking song like the annoying snot she is, I just continue staring at Gene, feeling so much disappointment that it's almost consuming.
'Take a shower.' I continue.
She continues to say nothing.
'Finish your snack and when you are both done, shower and sleep.'
"You don't tell me what to do."
My hands form into fists at my sides and I lean in closer, wanting to make sure she can see my exhaustion that's mostly likely plastered all over my face.
'Mum and dad are going to have many questions as well as the police. So if you are smart, you will do what I say.'
Her face looks drained and angry and just so many other things but I'm tired and I just want to sleep before the hell that's going to break loose under this roof in a few hours commences.
'Clean this all up when you are done. And do not leave the freezer door open.'
I wipe my face with my weak hands lazily before walking myself back to my room, leaving Gene with her plastic friend, her thoughts, and my popsicles.
...
Once my body had rested on my bed, I immediately fell into a deep sleep, my limbs becoming heavy and my mouth opening in this exhausted manner, all of my issues disappearing for a while until I heard loud screaming from my mother. I quickly rose up and ran out of my room, almost having had fallen out of my bed. I didn't bother to check the time or to check anything, I didn't even notice whether there was any light whatsoever coming from my window or not, I just ran to her voice. For a second I wondered if Gene had returned and I was excited but then I remembered that she did and that everything that happened had happened and I didn't know what to feel exactly.
My mum had her hands over her mouth and she was crying, her voice hoarse immediately with my father running right to her side in this abrupt confusion as well. I heard rustling coming from Gene's room and I knew that she had woken up as well. Fuck, I bet my mum's scream even woke up China.
"My baby! My baby!" She repeated over and over again as she practically sprinted into Gene's room, my dad following behind with tears springing in his eyes as well. I was hesitant, standing right beside her room, but far away from her door frame. I heard my mum whispering cries into the air and I realized how tired I still was. I felt myself yawn before eventually walking in, seeing my parents smothering a body with Naomi sleeping on the other end of the bed, her eyes still closed tight as if the room was still silent.
I looked at her door and then back at my parents and began to wonder if they had ever seen the scratches before, if they have ever noticed them. Have they seen her knuckles? Have they ever heard her injure her hands or any other part of her or have they all been fooled by her manicured nails and bright white teeth?
My father was leaving kisses on the top of her forehead before finally letting out sobs and resting his head on her lap, revealing a bit of my sister. She was sitting up and her hair was wet and in this messy high bun. She had showered and she was wearing this long sleeved, dark purple, thermal shirt and while my mother's arms were wrapped around her with her face hiding in Gene's chest, I saw Gene looking right at the wall in front of her, her eyebrows scrunched up together in confusion with her eyes widened. It looked like she couldn't believe that we actually missed her or that we even noticed and my back leaned against the spot right beside her door, my arms crossed over my chest as I continued observing.
"Yeah. Um, I'm fine. Seriously. I'm not hurt. It's cool. It-It's all fine."
I knew that Gene was lying, but I still remained silent.
I finally had found out that it was ten thirty-seven in the morning when we were all in the kitchen and I happened to look at the oven clock. Sylvia was saying things in russian in this angry concerned tone and had quickly hugged Gene before making her an egg omelette while Gene's friend was still in a coma-like state in her room.
I was sipping my tea and the questions were being thrown left and right. Gene answered each one nervously, only seeming to take bites of her food so she could have some more time to think about her answers as she would chew.
"I was at my friend's house."
"Yes I had eaten."
"No, I was not harmed in any way."
"Naomi had driven us here."
"I met Naomi at a party a few months ago."
"I used my key, mum."
She was covering her knuckles with her long sleeves and I knew that I was quiet, but my parents didn't seem to notice either way, the two of them too preoccupied with asking their other daughter every question in the universe. So I didn't really try to act excited, I was just listening, mentally writing all of her answers down in my mind as well as focusing on the tone of her voice when she would speak. She was lying more than half the time.
My dad was crying again and Sylvia was the one that finally notified the police of what had happened, the rest of the day and week pretty much consisting of constant questions and sleep deprivation.
When I told Coop and Izzy, they asked me if I wanted them to come over and I declined, needing some time to myself. Eleanor told me that she was happy for me and Louis seemed angry at Gene but evidently held restrain for the sake of my feelings.
"I'm here if you need me babe. You know that right?" He asked.
I made a 'mhmm' noise and he told me how much he wished he was with me. I said that I felt the same way and I cried when I had hung up.
Naomi had chatted with Gene for a bit on that first day when she had woken up before eating some cereal and driving off in her broken down Citroen C1. Gene told me that it was used and I didn't say anything, she didn't say anything else either. We were both quiet and cold to one another for a few days, the whole house seeming lonely and filled with this dark shadow that belongs to some desolate body along with the rest of us. I wasn't sure however if it was mine or Gene's. Or maybe even both.
I listened to Elvis and I tried to take pictures of the house with my Polaroid, never having done so before, but wanting so badly to hang them on the laundry line. I was still so confused and still so tired and even though my parents were ecstatic and everyone was just beaming, people I never had even seen before entering and leaving my house with hugs and Thank god your safe's for Gene, I didn't feel anything close to equivalent. Neither did my sister for some reason. She would plaster on a smile for everyone, even for my parents and Sylvia before walking to her room and staying there the rest of the day. At least Gene and I have some kind of something. She doesn't smile when she sees me, she allows me to see her scowls and her frowns and I'm still unsure if that's because she wants me to or because she just knows that I'm aware of how not happy she is and that she doesn't have to pretend.
I didn't question anymore, I just tried to sleep and sleep, my mind not letting me rest and my hand even having gone through my drawer to grab that picture. My fingertips would graze over my aunt's face and I would curse at myself before placing it back under all of the crap I have in there, my eyes not seeming to close the rest of the night.
But then it was Saturday the following week and everyone was asleep including what seemed like the sky and I heard Gene's door open. It was 2 a.m and I followed her silently down the hall. I thought for a while that she was maybe going down to get a late night snack from the kitchen, but she was being too secretive and careful for that and she also had this old looking backpack in her hands along with her favorite pair of sneakers on her feet. I wasn't so quiet anymore.
I made sure my parents' door was closed and when we both got downstairs, I turned on one of the lights and stopped her right before she was about to place her hand on the knob of the front door.
"You scared the shit out of me! Fuck!" She whispered loudly, her hand going over her chest dramatically as she tried to catch her breath. I walked closer to her with all of this anger hanging at the tip of my small remaining piece of sanity.
'Where are you going, Gene?'
She rolled her eyes and groaned.
"I'm coming back. Alright? I'm just gonna be an hour or two. I'll be back even before any of them wa-"
'Where are you going?'
Her feet were cemented to the floor and she wasn't moving, her body still too close to that fucking entrance. She was whispering and I was on the verge of screaming.
"If you must know, I'm going to Tony's. I um left something."
'What did you leave?'
"My um...a few of my clothes. That's why I brought my backpack. See?"
She unzipped her bag and showed me how empty it was and I shook my head, my arms crossing and my mind fuming.
'Why is your wallet in your pocket?'
"Need my driver's license. Never know when you're gonna get stopped."
'Why can't Naomi bring your clothes for you?'
"Because they're my clothes. It's not her priority."
Gene was beginning to look angry as well, exasperated even and I didn't know what to think of her at that moment. I took a deep breath instead.
'Why are you lying?'
Frustrated tears were already welling in my eyes and I don't think I've ever gotten choked up so many times in one week before.
"I'm not-"
'Stop lying to me! For once. Please.'
My eyes were begging and this time when I walked closer again, she stepped back, her eyebrows furrowed with this crease in the middle.
"I'm just going to get some pills, alright?"
'What? Your diet pills?'
She stayed silent for a while, just looking at me with all of these emotions that looked as if they had been hidden for years, maybe even longer. But now each wall was beginning to fall down and I sensed that the conversation was going to get very serious fast.
'I am not an idiot.' I added.
"I know you're not."
She whispered that sentence and I noticed how her words were beginning to mumble, beginning to shake.
"This guy is going to Tony's tonight and is going to give me a cheap deal and-"
My eyes widen and I felt my own body freeze at her words.
"I'm coming back."
'What happened?'
"I told you, I slept over Tony's the whole week an-"
'No. What happened to you in general, Gene?'
I heard her breaths, how they were getting faster and faster and how taken off guard she was by my question. Her eyes were beginning to gloss and when I stepped forward again, she allowed me to.
'We-'
I took a deep breath and I placed my hand over my face, wiping it up and down at my own thoughts. I was about to say the sentence that I hate the most in the world.
'We can get you help.'
She stepped back again, kept on stepping and stepping until her body hit the wall. Her hands were shaking and her finger tips were gripping on to it. I was wondering if she was going to scratch it in front of me, if those marks on her door were going to appear on this one right before my eyes. But she didn't. She so evidently fought that urge. I knew she was going to do it later, that she was going to do so much other shit to herself as well, but I couldn't stop talking. I couldn't stop making it worse.
"Fuck you, Winnie! F-Fuck you! You don't have the right to care-"
She began to cry and I knew that two walls had already fallen within her.
"You don't have the right to care about me all of a sudden. You-"
'Gene-'
"Shut up!"
Her eyes were wide and so intense and her chest was rising so fast that I didn't know what to do. But I was getting answers and I just could not stop. I kept pushing and pushing.
'I care about you! All the time!'
"No you don't. No y-you don't! No one does. It was all for show this week but-"
I was shaking my head in that repetitive way again.
"You don't! You're the one lying now! You're-"
She was trying to catch her breath and I saw her hands sliding down slowly behind her, her eyes shutting tight in realization before she quickly stopped.
"You haven't cared for fourteen years, Winnie. You haven't talked to me for fourteen y-"
Her eyes opened again and this time, she was the one shaking her head like a mad man. Her hands released their grip from the wall slowly and with her right, she wiped her running nose. Her makeup was beginning to smudge as well.
"I just need my pills." She whispered.
'Do not do this.'
"Like you had Coop and Izzy, like you have Coop and Izzy, I have my own form of relief."
'Mum and dad-'
"I'm coming back dammit!"
I shake my head and I take a deep breath.
'I can not trust your word.'
"Well whatever! That's your fucking problem!"
I was no longer angry, I was in the lower level of anguish, I was out of the denial and getting mad phase and into the facing fucking reality phase. I'm fucked up, I know I am. But Gene is too and she might be worse. I was beginning to panic, every horrible possibility entering my mind with my whole body beginning to shake and my own breathing beginning to quicken. I was going completely mad.
'Do not do this to mum and dad, Gene! Stop thinking about yourself!'
"How dare you say that! I'm doing this for them... for you. For all of you!"
'No you are not! Do you even believe yourself?!'
"If you say anything to them about this, Winnie I-"
'No.' I interrupted.
'If you leave right now, and cause our parents anymore pain, I will never talk to you again.'
Her teeth were biting on to her bottom lip and for a second I thought she was going to stay, that she was going to do the right fucking thing, but then I listened to her breathing again and I saw her hands go to her back pack straps before placing her arms through the spaces.
"It wouldn't be the first time." She spat out before finally turning around and walking out the door.
I shook there in place, wondering if either of my parents even flinched or rolled over in their sleep at the sounds. But nothing happened and I was there lost in my thoughts again, feeling the need to vomit and crouch myself into a corner.
I turned off the light when I returned to my room. I was hesitant passing their door, not knowing if their hearts would be able to take anymore of their children's problems, so instead I just continued walking, making my way to the bathroom and placing my face close to the toilet seat, just staying there and waiting for something to release from my stomach. But even though I felt that my throat was filled with fucking cement, nothing had released and I know that I'm going to have to add that to the list of shitty things that happened tonight.
I'm now back in my room, my hands shaking and my body rocking back and forth as I try to control my breathing. My phone is in my hands and I know it's one in the morning and that people aren't awake, but I'm not sure what to do. Gene is gone again, all because of me, is fucked up because of me and it's just too much shit to deal with myself.
But then as I look through my small list of contacts, I see her name and I examine it for what seems like hours before pressing create message.
To: Kanwell (AKA DON'T ANSWER)
I don't know what to do.
My finger hovers over the send button for a while, every part of me questioning all of the decisions I have made in the past week, in the past years of my life and I just rock myself faster. I don't want to even imagine the sight of me, how pathetic I must look. Here Gene is super messed up and I'm the one that's crying.
I press the home button and don't send the message, instead laying down on my bed and wrapping my arms around my shoulders as I stare into the moonlight gleaming through my window.
I wonder if the moon notices its own shadow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I HAVE RETURNEDDDD.
Wassup.
Okay so again, I apologize for taking so long to update. Things have been hectic in my life for a while but I found the time and motivation and yeah! Sorry btw that this chapter was such a downer but it is essential for the story. BTW I HAVE A SHIP FROM MY OWN BOOK CUZ I'M A LOSER BUT WATEVS. Like omg it's totally random but I was just thinking about it and omg like Izzy and Gene would be hella cute together and fuck yeah Ima make it happen. Well kinda. I'm putting in subtext (hints) but will after the epilogue post like two chapters of just Izzy and Gene. :3 Y'all don't have to read it if you don't want to but ima still do it cuz I want it like omg. Like Izzy is so sweet and positive and Gene is such a sad soul and omg. Like they'll be so cute??!!?? Like Izzy dressing up as Hazel Grace for Halloween and Gene dressing as Fem!Augustus to make her happy and like omg. I always thought Izzy as a pansexual (Is attracted to all genders like even genderfluid and trans) and Gene is just bi and yeah well. *snorts*
I also want to thank you all for your lovely and understanding comments in the author's note chapter from before. I appreciate all of you and love all of you and don't be afraid to comment like you don't even have to comment about the chapter if you don't want to. You can just be like: I really love eggs man. And I'll reply like: Holy shit like same. Like omelettes with cheese doh.
But yeah like NONE of you annoy me. LIKE AT ALL. I can be an awkward bean at times so I apologize if I sound like I'm uninterested like I'm really just nervous like I don't want to sound too emotional and yeh.
Well this was long...
LOVE YOU ALL
And side is Izzy and Gene cuz yes. and song is a sad radiohead song because sad radiohead songs are pretty much Gene and Winnie. *cries*
Comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vote
Fan
Other