I was 12 years old when I met him. Park Sunghoon. Someone who changed my life completely, I wasn't sure how or what drawed his attention to me but I wouldn't have it any other way.
"What's your name?" little Sunghoon had asked as we were in line to grab our lunches from the cafeteria of elementary school. I remember jumping at the sudden question at the time I hesitated to answer him. It wasn't rare for someone to prank me or somewhat bully me.
"S-Sunoo, I think"
"You think? Shouldn't you know that?" He laughed
"Yeah, sorry" I let out and he shook his head at me sticking his hand out to shake mine.
"Don't be sorry, My name is Sunghoon" he introduced and from then on we've been inseparable. Always at each other's houses, sleepovers every weekend, and shared basically everything. Our families even got close so then we could finally start celebrating birthdays, holidays and even vacations together that is if my parents were available to go. We were two peas in a pot and glued to the hip if you will. 9 years later we are still attached at the hip but now we are finally graduating high school, which seemed like an absolute dream. The air outside was cold and crisp getting ready for the winter that was on the way. I yawned as I followed Sunghoon down the sidewalk, it was way too early to attempt to function. It was the first day of the school year and we were both seemed alittle sluggish. We spent most of our summer together completing random side quest that were on our bucket list.
"I can't wait until mom lets me start driving to school, I hate taking the bus" Sunhoon sighed as we neared the bus stop where we saw other students waiting. I nodded my head thinking about the extra few minutes of sleep that I would get if he would drive us instead taking this bumpy form of transportation.
"That would be nice" I sighed as I closed my eyes imagining myself sleeping in the passenger seat, Sunghoon laughed at me. Crazy to think we're already at the age of driving, Sunghoon got his license freshmen year but his mom was paranoid that he would let the independence get to his head if he drove too early, so she paused his progress of driving his OWN car.
"Is your mom finally letting you buy that car you've been saving up for?" I asked as I saw Jay walking toward us from a distance waving at him as he neared. Jay is a mutual friend that both Sunghoon and I have, though I'm pretty sure that he spends more time with me than Sunghoon. He's the of the top student in our year, whereas Sunghoon is one of the top players on the hockey team. So the girls go crazy over the both of them whenever they're together. There's also Jungwon who's the student body vice president, another heartthrob in the group and then there's me, just Sunoo. The one that hangs around them, I'm usually just their cheerleader.
"No, my father supposedly bought me a car as a Senior graduation gift" he said as he rolled his eyes fixing the sleeve his backpack as he showed Jay a friendly smile. I nodded my head as he mentioned his father, Sunghoon and his father don't usually get along. So it's odd that he's buying him a car, unless there's some sort of condition with it.
"Good morning~" I sang to Jay with a slight smirk causing Jay to shake his head and let out a dramatic sigh as he looked at me.
"I say we sign a petition to get rid of this whole school thing, at least for our senior year. We're not learning anything anyways, just waiting for it all to end" Jay let out as he looked between me and Sunghoon who just laughed at his words. He wasn't completely wrong though.
"Ladies and gentlemen, your top student!" Sunghoon announced to no one in particular, following it up with an applause from the both of us.
"I may be the top student but I am also human," Jay argued as we saw the bus slowly arrive in the distance.
"The charming top student who helps all those in need" Sunghoon teased as we walked towards the bus with its doors opening loudly with a 'pshhh'.
"Correction, Top student who helps a Jungwon in need" I added as we step up into the vehicle earning a loud chuckle from Sunghoon as he nudged me with his shoulder.
"What makes you think its-"
"When isn't it Jungwon?" Sunhoon asked Jay as he pushed me into a random seat sitting on the outside of the seat. Jay made a face at the question and kind of giggled to himself as he tried to think of an excuse. He sat across from us but on the outside of the seat cause he was saving a seat for his beloved Jungwon.
"Well let's say Sunoo asked you to help him write something about Hockey, would you help him?" He asked as he crossed both of his arms thinking he would hear the answer he wanted but unfortunately he didn't know Sunghoon enough.
"Of course I would, but I would give him a price" I heard the smirk in Sunghoons voice as he said this causing me to shake my head, of course he would say that. In all seriousness I know he probably wouldn't but no one else would know that. Sunghoon just loved to be mischievous.
"I also simply wouldn't write anything about Hockey" I cut in shooting Sunghoon a look and Jay sighed dramatically loud and used his hands to express his frustrations as he spoke. Sunghoon should look into being a professional rage baiter he was really good at it for no reason.
"Well let's just say hypothetically you needed to, he would help you wouldn't he?" he asked once more hoping to hear the answer he was digging for.
"Probably, for a price" I responded as Sunghoon laughed maliciously as Jay tried to explain himself once again. Sunghoon and Jay only recently became close most likely due to proximity, but Jay was always in my homeroom every year. Which was how we became friends in the first place, we were partnered together for a school activity and just continued being friends since then. Sunghoon only heard stories about him and then one day Jay met Sunghoon during one of my birthday meet ups , which could've easily been one of the most memorable moments in my life.
"There's nothing wrong with being a simp" Sunghoon teased causing Jay to groan loudly as he thew himself back inside of his seat.
"I'm just helping a friend out" he muttered through gritted teeth making Sunghoon release louder laugh that echoed across the entire causing me to shake my head.
"It is way too early for you guys to be this energetic" a new voice entered the conversation causing Jay to straighten up immediately once he heard the voice. It was Jungwon, he looked incredibly sleepy.
"Good morning Jungwon~" Sunghoon said as he waved at him, Jungwon waved back sitting next to Jay. Jungwon has been a friend of Sunghoons since 7th grade but slowly became mine as well as time went by, he's very funny.
"You look so tired" Jay said as Jungwon leaned his head against his shoulder with his eyes closed. Sungwon and I exchanged looks at their actions, here they go.
"I stayed up last night finishing all of my AP literature homework that they assigned all through the summer" he explained as he sighed and Jay laughing in response.
"All in one night? Why didn't you space it out? You could've done it throughout the summer. Like it was intended" Jay asked as he looked over at me who just shrugged. People in our class were always asking if they were a thing, however if you were to ask them they would simply say 'we're just close friends'. However im confident that they've definitely crossed the line of friendship. Sunghoon agrees but doesn't really agree at the same time he just saids "maybe they're trauma bonded". Which makes sense but doesn't at the same time. After some more bumpy roads the bus pulled up to the front of the school letting all of the students out. I couldn't say that I'm the biggest fan of going to school, but it definitely gave me something to do consistently if i wasn't constantly overthinking. So I don't hate going to school.
"Senior year already" Sunghoon sighed as we followed behind Jay and Jungwon to the front gate of the school. Our school wasn't a huge school but it wasn't the smallest, we had good academic records on the national charts but it never gave us a number one spot. Which was nice, most schools were competitive when it came to grades and sports. However our school was more chill, they cared but they weren't going to stress you out about it.
"I know, it's weird. We were really looking forward to being done and here we are" I responded remembering the first day we started high school. We made so many goals and a list of things to complete before we graduated. Who knows if we actually did any of it. We made it to the entrance of the school, saw some familiar faces and a bunch of unfamiliar faces, most likely the freshmen.
"I think for our senior year we should do something special like do more school activities together or something" Jay said as we walked into the main hallway that our homeroom was in, which luckily we were able to get into together for our last year. I was worried that Sunghoon and I would be separated for the 7th time in a row, but I guess we lucked out this year.
"I agree, we should spend more time doing random high school shit, it's our last time doing so" I responded, causing Jay to nod his head excitedly at me. Sunghoon seemed like he thought about it before he nodded his head causing Jay to skip ahead of us to our classroom Jungwon jogging behind him calling after him like a mother would to her child. What an interesting guy, I thought to myself as I tried to pick up the pace to follow behind them only to feel an arm pull me to a stop.
"Wait," Sunghoon let out and it sounded almost hesitant, which made me a little nervous. I turned my head to see Sunghoon avoiding eye contact with me but I knew he wasn't going to avoid saying what he needed. He never did. That was one of my favorite qualities about him.
"Are you alright?" I asked, watching as Sunghoon finally was able to make eye contact with me.
"Yeah I'm fine but, We're in this together, I have your back and you have mine" He said and I looked into his eyes which held a cold but warm stare. He's been worried about this for some time huh? Before starting this school year his parents gave us the whole 'senior year is where life long friends separate'. He seemed pretty freaked out by that talk since then. I smiled as I nudged Sunghoon with my shoulder tilting my head to look at him.
"Sunghoon, are you real-"
"If someone bullies you or does absolutely anything to you, you have to tell me" He held direct and firm eye contact as used his hand to pull me slightly closer to him. Now it was my turn to avoid eye contact as I let out a soft breath.
"Promise me please? it's you and I against the world. You're not alone" Sunghoon held out his fist with his thumb sticking upwards causing me to smile softly at the gesture. I connected our knuckles as well as our thumbs our silent sealed agreement.
"You and I against the world" I let out and just like that we were on our way to homeroom to finally start this year, but little did I know that this school year I would make the biggest discovery of my entire life.
Sunghoon and I walked inside our homeroom immediately locating Jungwon and Jay who seemed to be bickering about something. They always were. I let out a laugh as I walked their direction but I didn't miss all of the whispers about Sunghoon from our classmates.
"Oh my god it's him!"
"He's so handsome"
"I can't believe I'm in the same class as him this year"
"Maybe I'll actually have a chance with him this year"
I heard all of these comments so often that I'm not even surprised by them, but they do bother me. I snuck a glance over at Sunghoon who pretended not to hear all of those whispers. I 100% understand all of them for acting the way they do with him. He's attractive, he's the best player on the hockey team, He's fit, he's kind and-. Wait a second, I need to lock in. I just channel his fangirls sometimes to understand them, which isn't weird.. I think.
"Earth to Sunoo!" Jungwon called as he snapped his fingers in front of my face.
"I'm sorry what?" I asked and Jay laughed as Sunghoon shook his head at me.
"Point proven" Jungwon sighed and I stood there confused and rubbed the back of my neck. Point proven? What point?
"What?"
"Nevermind forget it" Jungwon said in a defeated tone causing me to laugh awkwardly. As Jay and Sunghoon just patted my shoulder, what did I miss? We went on the rest of the day like usual, attending our classes brainstorming ideas for what clubs or activities we could join together this year. Which oddly was more difficult than we all thought just because of all of our personal obligations. Jungwon was immediately busy doing preparations for graduation and other school events, Jay was studying like crazy and preforming putting his talents to use, and Sunghoon was always on Ice. What was I doing? I was studying and preparing for college, I was interested in studying abroad, maybe I could do something there. The first month of school past in a blink of an eye as we tried to settle into to the environment.
"A Fall dance? I didn't take you as someone who would want to go to something like that" I said as I walked through the library looking for exam practice books for the college entrance exams that were around the corner. Sunghoon followed close behind me with the deep maroon colored flyer that has pumpkins printed all over it.
"Yeah, what happened to doing random high school shit together? Did you forget about that?"
"I didn't say no, it was just unexpected for you, you used to avoid shit like this. What's changed your mind so suddenly?" I responded finally finding a book on mathematics, lord knows I need the extra practice with that mental abuse. Sunghoon then grabbed the book from my hand, holding it above his head causing me to look at him directly.
"Can you pay attention to me? I want to see your eyes while I can" Sunghoon almost whispered and I froze as if my life depended on staying still. I swear my heart stopped beating even though my cheeks were burning. I would be lying if I said this was the first time he made me feel this way. He did this often to me, but its definitely because I care about him....Right? Yeah, it was definitely that.
"I want to go with you and the others, we'd have so much fun" he let out lowering his arm keeping his gaze locked on mine.
"I-I think it would be fun, did you ask Jay?" I tried to continue on with the conversation because honestly I didn't know what else to do with myself if I didn't. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't a big deal to feel what I did, but in the back of my mind I already knew what it was.
"Well I already told Jungwon and he's down, so I'm sure Jay's down" Sunghoon explained excitedly as he lowered the book to where I can finally yank it from his hands. I turned around to walk back to where my backpack sat at one of the desks that they had inside the library taking a breath. Sunghoon laughed and gave me a quick shoulder squeeze.
"We'll talk more later, I'll sleep over at yours tonight. I have to get back to practice" he let out before he lightly jogged off out of the library. Back to practice? He snuck away to tell me about this damn dance during his hockey practice, that explains why he looked so sweaty. He probably saw me in here as they were doing laps outside, I giggled to myself as I imagined him sliding away from his hockey peers.
"Sunooooo~" jay whisper sang as he sat across from me and I jumped slightly not expecting him to appear.
"Hi~ Jay" I smirked and he smiled at me sitting down inside of his chair.
"How are you today?" He asked leaning forward and I nodded my head throwing him a thumbs up. Jay's schedule seems to align more with mine then anyone else so I always catch myself in the situation where we just hang out in the library during my study hall.
"How are you doing?" I returned the question to him and watched him look around checking if there was anyone around.
"I heard something very interesting, have you heard the rumors?" He said as he pulled out his textbook studying for his language class. oh no, I felt a very weird feeling inside of my stomach when he asked that question.
"Rumor? Is it about me?"
"No about Sunghoon and Wonyoung" Jay explained in a surprised tone, He looked at me and let out a breathy laugh. Sunghoon? Wonyoung? Rumor? There's usually always rumors going around about him, but I'm typically the one to hear them first.
"I'm surprised you don't know, usually people run to tell you"
"I know, it also depends on who heard it. What's the talk of the town?"
"Talk of the town is that they're the IT couple of the year. They're not officially together but everyone thinks they're going to be together by the fall dance. Some people say there was a story posted on Wonyoung's story confirming those rumors but the people who are saying that are unreliable and don't have proof. " Jay explained and I dropped my book on the tabe shocked at the sentence. Together? By the fall dance? And then remembered his excited expression as he explained going to the dance. Is this why he brought it up? Is he interested in her?
"A story?" I asked feeling so many emotions and questions start to flood my brain all at once. Almost on cue a tall girl with flawless long brown hair walked past us, her fragrance hugging the air as she walked. There she was, Jang Wonyoung. The prettiest girl in the school, so pretty that people want to hate her but they can't because she's a sweetheart. Maybe they got close cause they both heard the rumors about being with each other that BOOM! Relationship. I felt sick to my stomach and I don't know why. No. I just didn't want to acknowledge why.
"People just be saying things sometimes though, so who knows what's true " Jay responded and went into his studying leaving me in my thoughts. I'm not sure why this bothers me so much, it really shouldn't. Sunghoon is free to be with who he pleases, I have no right to feel anyway about it. Unless I like him, romantically. Which I'm not supposed to. For the rest of the week, the rumor wasn't mentioned, but was living rent-free in my brain. Every time Sunghoon pulled out his phone my brain wondered if he was messaging her or not. Which was definitely none of my business but it bothered me.
"Hoon, have you heard the rumors?" I asked one night when he was sleeping over at my house. He was laying on my bed in a pair of grey shorts and a loose T-shirt playing on my Nintendo switch.
"The rumors? Which ones?" He asked looking away from his game, maybe I shouldn't have asked him but curiosity was getting the best of me. I saw him put the switch on his lap as he turned his body to face me completely.
"With Wonyoung. The one of the both you, dating" I hesitated
"Oh, that." he let out and for a split second he seemed a little panicked but then smirked.
"I think its funny" he laughed. Funny? He thinks it's funny. There was this unfamiliar flame inside of my chest when I saw the smirk on his face. To me I thought it was quite literally the opposite of funny.
"Well is it true?" I asked turning my chair to face him a bit more. His smirk grew wider as he sat up on the edge closer to me. My heart froze and once again I tried to ignore the butterflies that fluttered all over my stomach.
"Sun, I don't have feelings for her but I did want to take her on a date." He said in almost a whisper and I felt my body slightly sink into my chair. He wants to take her on a date?
"Why? If you don't have feelings for her is there a point to go on the date?" I asked and instantly knew I probably should've left that question inside my brain. What's wrong with me right now? Why did I say that to him?
"For my mother's sake. She's starting to get concerned that she hasn't seen me date" Sunghoon explained grabbing the sides of the chair pulling me closer to where he was sitting causing our legs to collide, he was definitely in my personal bubble but at the moment I didn't care. I crossed my arms as he explained his reasoning but I honestly didn't care about it. it made no sense to me.
"Respectfully that's none of her concern, you should date someone when you actually feel-"
"She's kind and really pretty, I should try with someone like her" he interrupted me and I couldn't help but bite my bottom lip. I felt this ugly feeling deep within my stomach, I don't hate Wonyoung but part of me did for a reason I couldn't quite grasp.
"Someone like her" I repeated under my breath feeling those words sting, I looked at him keeping my arms crossed not sure what to do next.
"Why are you looking at me like?" Sunghoon asked with a laugh and I just pushed him away and continued studying cause what else can I do. The next few days past by and I never mentioned the rumor or Wonyoung to Sunghoon. It did somehow keep walking me up in the middle of the night and I continued to pretend not knowing why. It was the day before the dance and I sighed as I sat down next to Jay at lunch.
"Who pissed in your cereal?" He asked with a playful tone, and I laid my head on the table. This stupid rumor has been stressing the hell out of me, it really shouldn't but it has been. It's quite literally a RUMOR which mean it' potentially a lie but the part that stresses me out is the part where its potentially the truth. Recently they have been talking more and exchanging glances in the hallway, I saw them together during study hall. They were laughing. A lot. Too much.
"I'm just tired. I haven't been sleeping well" I responded, I spotted Sunghoon from across the cafeteria talking with one of his hockey teammates probably making time for extra practice. However my peace was quickly destroyed as I watched Wonyoung's flawless hair bounce as she glided her way over to Sunghoon, her beautiful eyes twinkling as she looked at him. I rolled my eyes putting my head on the table, For fucks sake can't they both leave me alone for a second.
"Oh wow, they really do look like a power couple" someone said walking past my table. I looked up and scoffed. They don't look like- my thoughts were interrupted by the both Wonyoung and Sunghoon looking perfect together.
"UGHH" I groaned dramatically loud cause Jay to rub my back as he laughed softly, Jungwon put his hand on the back of my head messaging me.
"My poor Sunoo." Jungwon cooed and sudden I felt my stomach churn.
"oh I think it's happening guys" Jay said and that caused me to jump up and look back at the two that were across the cafeteria. I didn't need to hear what she was saying to know what she was asking, I watched Sunghoon nervously rub the back of his neck as she continued to say her piece. This entire scene made me nauseous, especially when Sunghoon nodded his head leading to a roar of cheers from the people around them. I blocked out all of the voices as my eyes stayed glued on Sunghoon. I continued to watch Sunghoon smile at everyone around him, his smile was off but not fake. Our eyes connected for a split second before I ripped them away. I know why this bothers me so much. I can't pretend like I don't know anymore, in this moment I can't avoid it anymore.
"I'm gonna be sick" I let out getting up as quickly as possible jogging to the closest restroom. I locked myself inside one of the stalls and released whatever I needed to inside of the toilet. I should be happy for him, for being able to score someone like her. Pretty and kind. However I found myself upset at the thought.
"Sunoo?" I heard Jay's voice inside of the bathroom causing me to jump, the panic inside my body started to build up and soon felt like I couldn't keep in what I had for years. Jay's going to ask me what's wrong but I don't know what to tell him. I tried to relegate my breathing, the air felt too thick to breathe causing me to gasp for air. Years worth of ignored feelings are being felt all at once. What do I do?
"Sunoo what's wrong?" Jay asked and the air around me felt as if it was getting thicker. It's been obvious and it has been this whole time, I'm just an idiot. It's been clear since the moment we turned 14, there was no misunderstanding what this feeling was. I just didn't want to complicate things.
I like Sunghoon, romantically.
"Sunoo?" Jay's voice asked again as he knocked on the door concerningly. I like Sunghoon. I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks the more I heard that in my brain. I like Sunghoon. I opened the door and was met with Jay who immediately wiped the tears from my face with his hands.
"Nook, whats wrong?" He asked concerned written all over his face, Jungwon stood close behind him with a similar expression.
"I'll go grab Sunghoon" He said as he bolted out the door with Jay nodding his head in agreement. Before I could stop him though, Jungwon was already gone.
"No, no"
"Nook, whats wrong?" Jay asked me as he tried to get me to stand up straight but I shook my head at him. I can't see him. At least not right now.
"Jay, I like him" I croaked and the tears blurred my vision but I already knew what face he was making.
"Sunoo"
"Im not allowed to like him but I do. He's going to hate me, what do I do?" I let out between gasps covering my face. I'm in love with my best friend and I have been for years.
"Sunoo breath, it's okay. I'm here"
"He's going to hate me, I need to stop, make it stop please" I let out as I crouched down to my knees, Jay pulled me into his arms in attempt to comfort me, but these were emotions that's I had ignored and lied about for years so wasn't easy to contain.