July 24, 2014
Karlie takes a deep and shaky breath when going up the stairs to Taylor's apartment. As she made her walk to her girlfriend's building, the reality of what she has just done because more and more pressing. More and more painful. She had blatantly manipulated Josh. She knew the man who was firm in his lasting love for her wouldn't say no, couldn't refuse Karlie of a favor. As if the word favor can even describe what I've done.
It was not only manipulative to him, but manipulative to anyone of the general public who would ever find themselves curious to see if Karlie has a boyfriend. They'd see his post and know. She had used Josh, she got him more entangled in a web that has already broken his heart.
In a blur, Karlie has climbed all the flights of stairs and lingers in the hallway of Taylor's apartment. This is getting more complicated by the day. She stands a few feet back from the door, staring at the mahogany swirls of it, wondering just what she is about to walk into now. No doubt Tree would be in there, especially if damage really has been done. They'd be plotting something, to erase any mistakes Taylor may have made. Surely a typical argument would occur between her and Taylor tonight, as seems to happen when Tree is around. Predictably, Karlie would surely feel even more stressed out than she does right now after the events of today. It has become the cycle, Karlie realizes. This is getting kind of old.
Karlie sighs and retrieves her key ring from her purse, ever so briefly wishing that things could be different. Very few people would be worth all of these complications, but Karlie knows that Taylor is definitely one of them. She was worth it.
Unlocking and pushing in the apartment door, Karlie is met with the familiar and welcome scent of Taylor's apartment, due to the various collection of candles the singer has. The living room is empty and looks peaceful, and it is so tempting to just sit on the couch now and just pretend that her and Taylor can have a night together similar to the one last night.
Tree steps into the room and Karlie quickly turns her attention to her, her back becoming tense at just the presence of the publicist. "Karlie, do you want to come in here?" Tree asks. She sounds tired, and for some reason it is not at all a welcome change to her usually confident, assured, and authoritative voice that Karlie is used to hearing.
"Yeah, sure," Karlie replies quietly, realizing now that the silence of the apartment isn't so much peaceful as it is seems to be eery.
Following Tree towards the kitchen silently, Karlie stops short in the doorway when she sees Taylor's back to her, as she sits at her kitchen table, shoulders hunched over with her head in her hands. She doesn't even perk up at all when Karlie enters the room, her body shows no sign of even acknowledging the model's presence. This was not like Taylor at all, being someone who is quick to greet even a stranger with a hug.
The kitchen is silent as Tree leans against the kitchen countertop. Karlie looks curiously to Tree and she purses her lips, not giving Karlie much information at all. When Karlie decides to fully enter the kitchen and walk to the table where Taylor is sitting, the only thing she can think is just how loud her footsteps sound in this quiet.
Karlie pauses right behind Taylor's chair, surely she knows Karlie is here now, even if she didn't before. She puts her hand out and hesitates before placing it softly between Taylor's very rigid shoulder blades. Taylor doesn't react at all, as if Karlie's hand isn't even there. She shifts her position to stand beside Taylor's chair, before lowering herself, squatting on her knees beside Taylor. Karlie stares at her, trying to make out just what Taylor's face is expressing now, but it is difficult between her shielding hands and curtain of blonde hair, as Taylor keeps her head on her hands firmly facing downwards. Something inside of Karlie tells her not to break the silence, to not project her voice in this room no matter how softly.
She tentatively looks back to Tree, hating that she feels as though she needs to look to the publicist for direction. Tree's face is unreadable, staring back at Karlie. Wordlessly, Karlie does her best to somehow project all the questions that she has right now to Tree, and it is when her attention is off of Taylor that she feels the familiar thin arms tightly wrap around her neck along with a head being nestled into her shoulder.
Karlie is quick to return the hug, her stomach dropping when seeing Tree's face finally reveal something: sadness.
"What happened?" Karlie whispers.
"I fucked up," Taylor replies. The statement sounds harsh to Karlie's ears.
Karlie instinctively begins to assure Taylor that everything is fine, without even knowing just what it is that has happened, when quietly saying, "No you didn't, I'm sure everything—"
"I don't think that you did," Tree interrupts.
Taylor quickly stands up from the chair and Karlie's embrace, rendering Karlie off balance when she takes a few strides in Tree's direction.
"How could you even say that?!" Taylor asks, her voice sounding strained and panicked.
"It's all in your head, Taylor! You're being paranoid!" Tree exclaims, throwing her hands up. She reaches for a box of baked goods Karlie had brought home to Taylor this week. Picking them up, she exclaims, "This doesn't give anything away!" She roughly drops the box and takes a few quick steps to the refrigerator, pulling the door open roughly and gesturing to the bottles of sparkling water that Taylor has accumulated, mostly because Karlie does her best to stick mainly to water. "This! Nothing!" Tree says, slamming the door shut. "That picture: friends!" Tree says, pointing a finger to a framed picture in the hallway. "Flowers on your roof deck are just flowers! You're paranoid!" Tree answers.
Karlie is stunned, staring at Tree, who usually manages to keep her cool frustratingly easily. But what shocks Karlie the most, is it is now Tree saying that nothing has gone wrong. That they are safe. Taylor didn't mess up.
"Should you have brought the journalist upstairs?! Absolutely not, but everything's fine!" Tree adds, sounding completely exasperated.
Karlie can only assume that this scene has been going on for much longer before Karlie had even arrived, due to Tree's frustrated annoyance and exhaustion. But Tree of all people saying everything is fine means a lot, and Karlie looks to Taylor with a hint of a relieved smile, and is shocked to see Taylor's face twisted in anger, a single tear on her cheek. She stands stiffly staring at Tree, a fire in her eyes like no other, her hands balled into tight fists by her side.
"You don't fucking understand," Taylor replies darkly, her voice sounding ominous.
"I'm the only one who does understand!" Tree says with a harsh laugh.
"You told me to say stupid stuff!" Taylor yells.
"It wasn't stupid! Yesterday you thought it was good! You're overthinking everything!" Tree returns.
Karlie's head is going back and forth between the two, torn between wanting to always side with Taylor (especially if that means against Tree) and wanting Tree to be correct.
"Oh my god," Taylor says in what sounds like both a groan and a sigh as she covers her face with her hands.
"I'm telling you," Tree begins, her voice sounding much more even, "You told me every single little detail of your time with the journalist today. Nothing that bad happened."
Taylor shakes her head, still keeping her face shielded as she leaves the room. Karlie and Tree remain in the kitchen, listening to the sounds of Taylor's footsteps going up the stairs.
"This is going to kill her," Tree says quietly, breaking the silence. Karlie looks to her and is surprised to see that earlier sadness in Tree's face once more. "This is one interview. The first interview of close to six months of endless interviews. I thought she could handle it. She thought she could handle it."
"I thought I could handle it," Karlie sighs, mostly to herself as she leans against the same countertop as Tree.
"It's a lot," Tree replies.
Karlie purses her lips and nods her head. Am I talking to Tree right now?
"It can almost make you forget just how easy a relationship is supposed to be. It's just supposed to be two people enjoying each other's company," Tree adds.
"She warned me," Karlie replies. "And it's worth it."
Karlie sees Tree nod her head out of her peripheral vision. They continue to lean against the countertop, silently lost in their own thoughts.
"Should I tell Josh not to come over?" Karlie asks, suddenly thinking of what she has done.
"No, now more than ever we need him to sign an NDA. It isn't the best timing, but we need to do this," Tree replies, straightening herself up now. She runs a hand through her hair and takes a deep breath. Karlie isn't too sure how she would describe it, but suddenly she knows Tree is the sleek and confident publicist once more. "Do you know what he's going to say?"
Karlie silently shakes her head no, before informing Tree, "When Taylor called me she was...upset. I just thought— I thought something had happened. I asked Josh to make a post, about us, making it seem as though..." Karlie trails off.
Tree raises her eyebrows. She stares at Karlie looking surprised, before muttering, "Wow."
Karlie bites on her bottom lip. "I thought that it would—"
"Thank you," Tree says quietly. "That must have been hard."
Karlie bites down even harder on her lip and quickly averts her gaze, surprised to feel tears prick at her eyes.
"Will he want to be paid for that?" Tree asks, taking out a notebook from her bag on the counter.
"I think he did it for me as a favor," Karlie replies, her voice sounding shaky. Somehow, when explaining what she has done out loud, it sounds even worse. Pure manipulation.
Tree pauses her pen on the paper and looks up to Karlie, surprised once more. "Wow," Tree mutters again, mostly to herself.
Karlie darkly laughs. "How ashamed of myself should I be if even you are disgusted by this?"
Tree's eyes widen. "I'm not disgusted by it. I'm surprised. And I'm just doing my job, I'm always doing my job. I'm not a bad person," Tree replies steadily.
Surprisingly, the tears that had burned Karlie's eyes moments before are back, and feel even more near. Not now. Not in front of Tree.
"Taylor probably needs you upstairs," Tree adds, authority easily back in her voice. "God knows she's done with me right now," Tree mumbles as she pulls out her laptop, setting up a makeshift office in preparation for Josh's arrival within the hour.
Karlie's throat tightens and she nods her head, leaving Tree to her own devices. Cogs and wheels have been set into motion today, Karlie can just feel it. Everything is different. Her entire relationship with Josh has been tainted, and Tree's PR strategy was given it's first run through. The first of many. And now, both Taylor and Karlie, were dealing with the emotional repercussions of it. And Taylor's true return back into the spotlight hasn't even started yet.
Karlie morosely ascends up the stairs, already wishing for today to be over. She was fast forwarding to her and Taylor's night tonight. Cuddling in bed, arguing over Law&Order reruns, sounds more appealing than it ever has before. When Karlie slowly walks towards Taylor's bedroom wall, lightly dragging a finger along the wall as she goes down the hallway, she stops short when she sees Scott quietly leave Taylor's bedroom. I forgot he was here.
Scott offers her a tight smile and walks towards her. "Tree said everything was fine. I just don't understand," Scott says quietly.
"She's overthinking it," Karlie replies.
"She always does," Scott answers. "Always worrying about every little thing. Ever since she was a little girl."
Karlie can't help but smile a small and sad smile, her imagination not having to run too wild to very easily picture a younger, and still worried, Taylor. Scott lightly pats Karlie's shoulder as he walks by her. "I think I'm going to do a bit of sight seeing."
"By yourself?" Karlie asks, turning as Scott passes her.
"Sure. In the last couple of years I've come to appreciate doing that much more than ever before," he says with a smile, before walking down the stairs out of view. Taylor's teary confession in Big Sur of having never been alone in five years sounds in Karlie's head as she makes sense of what Scott has said.
With a bit more resolve, Karlie turns back towards the door Scott has just closed and lightly knocks. She quietly pushes the door in without waiting for an answer, and offers Taylor a small smile when she sees her lying down in bed, both of her cats sitting alert at the foot of it. Karlie doesn't say a word when she crawls into the bed beside Taylor, pulling her close against her as they lay on their sides.
The first thing Karlie notices is just how hard Taylor's heart is beating, the vibrations of it bouncing right through Taylor's rib cage to Karlie's tightly wrapped arm. She squeezes Taylor closer to her, a bit more tightly, as she throws a leg over her as well, hoping to provide her with as much feeling of security as possible, once also realizing just how much Taylor is shaking.
Karlie grabs a hold of Taylor's clammy hand, quietly assuring her, "You're okay."
"No!" Taylor cries out. "Everything is going wrong," Taylor chokes out, her voice sounding like a sob with shallow breathing, but with a quick brush of the cheek Karlie realizes it is a tearless one.
"You don't have to worry. Even Tree doesn't think you have to worry," Karlie replies, still trying her best to assure her. Taylor is trembling, her chest rising and falling in an abnormal breathing pattern against Karlie's arm.
Karlie furrows her brow, thinking of her father coming from work, often talking about how yet another person had come into the ER thinking they were suffering from a heart attack, but instead it was a panic attack. He always thought it was such a shame, even sad, how people could stress themselves out enough to work their bodies into an unnatural frenzy such as this. Maybe this is why he had done his best to raise his daughters to be as carefree as they appropriately could be.
"You're having a panic attack," Karlie says simply, pressing her forehead against the back of Taylor's head. "Everything's okay."
Taylor doesn't verbally acknowledge what Karlie has said, but her body goes somewhat more still, perhaps just at the knowledge of what is happening.
"You're going to be okay in a second, you're overthinking everything," Karlie adds, lightly running a few fingers up and down Taylor's arm. "You didn't mess anything up."
"I did," Taylor replies stubbornly.
"You didn't," Karlie insists.
"You don't even know what happened! You can't just act like everything's okay all the time, especially when you don't even know what has happened!" Taylor exclaims, her voice sounding strained, struggling to get out a mouthful of words over her shallow breathing.
"And you can't act like everything's wrong all the time," Karlie replies simply, her calm voice sharply contrasting against Taylor's panicked one. After a beat of silence, Karlie adds, "Everything's okay right now. You're overthinking everything."
"I hate when people say that to me," Taylor replies, sounding as frustrated as ever.
Karlie sighs but remains silent. Taylor doesn't want to hear what she has to say.
After a moment of silence, the trembling of Taylor's body noticeably decreasing, Karlie is surprised when Taylor very suddenly rolls over under her arm to nestle her face into Karlie's chest, beginning to cry as she does it.
"I'm so scared," Taylor says, her crying voice muffled by Karlie's own body.
Karlie very firmly rubs her hand up and down Taylor's back as she keeps her arm tightly around her. "Shhh," Karlie shushes, closing her eyes as she rests her cheek on the top of Taylor's head. "You don't have to be."
"Of course I have to be," Taylor replies. "We're hiding something that is so...so..." Taylor trails off, struggling for the word.
"This is perfect," Karlie says, as Taylor still seems to be lost in thought.
"This is anything but perfect," Taylor answers monotonously, sadly.
"We're together, and that's perfect. We're just two people who like spending time together," Karlie replies, thinking of what Tree had said to her in the kitchen below. "We're nothing more than that."
Taylor doesn't respond, but somehow manages to cuddle even closer to Karlie.
"Just don't worry right now. Nothing has gone wrong," Karlie assures her, not letting up on rubbing Taylor's back.
"I hate that you have to tell me not to worry all the time," Taylor replies, sounding ashamed and sad.
"It's not a chore," Karlie says with a small smile, unseen by Taylor.
"It will probably start to feel like one," Taylor replies sadly.
"I think you're underestimating how much I love you," Karlie says quietly.
Once more, Taylor doesn't respond, but she lifts her arms and wrap them tightly around Karlie's neck, holding her close, exhaling deeply.
They lay in the bed pressed tightly together, clinging to each other strongly, in complete silence. They are close enough to feel each other's heartbeats, to hear each breath the other takes, yet Karlie still would still love if there was some way to be even closer.
Just when Karlie begins to wonder what the chances are of them leaving this position for the rest of the day, Taylor slowly begins sitting up. Karlie releases her hold on her and watches Taylor rise, sitting back against her bed pillows. She looks down at Karlie, her face blank but her blue eyes alive.
"This is the first time you've looked at me all day," Karlie says with a small smile.
"Maybe everything is okay," Taylor says quietly, ignoring what Karlie has said.
"Everything is okay," Karlie agrees, nodding her head as she places a hand on Taylor's thigh.
"But I just—" Taylor begins, but stops when suddenly a few tears fall from her eyes. She quickly wipes at them as Karlie sits up as well, kneeling on her knees as she studies Taylor, sadness etched in each of her features. "I've never had a secret before. I don't know if it's possible."
"We can try our best, and if it doesn't work, it doesn't matter. Either way we are together and that's all I want," Karlie says.
Taylor leans her head back against her headboard, looking up at her ceiling. "What if it's not that simple?" Taylor asks.
"It's that simple if we make it that simple," Karlie says.
Taylor nods her head, still looking up at the ceiling. "Agree to disagree."
Karlie shrugs her shoulders, surprised by the response. I guess it's better than talking ourselves into circles.
"We should probably go back downstairs," Taylor says, looking back to Karlie now.
Karlie nods her head and leans in for a gentle kiss. Their lips meet, and Karlie does her best to make it as comforting a kiss as any, before pulling away only a fraction of an inch. Near enough to count each one of Taylor's eyelashes, Karlie says in a barely-there voice, "You're brave. And you're strong. You've been through a lot, so thank you for taking this risk with me."
Taylor's cheeks slightly redden, her eyes gazing just as intensely into Karlie's green eyes as Karlie is pouring into her blue ones. This time Taylor leans in to initiate just as gentle of a kiss.
When they've separated, Karlie sits back further. "I love you, and we're okay."
"I love you too," Taylor replies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Karlie holds onto Taylor's hand tightly when they re enter the kitchen. Tree barely even glances up to the pair as she types away on her computer, organized stacks of paper surrounding her on the long kitchen table.
"When is Josh getting here?" Tree asks, continuing to type on her computer.
Karlie begins, "He said he would text me when—"
"What?" Taylor asks, her voice sounding confused, and perhaps with an underlying of anger.
Karlie immediately pauses, her mouth hanging open. She doesn't know. Karlie slowly turns her head to Tree. "You didn't...Did you tell her?" Karlie asks.
"Josh is coming here?" Taylor asks, her voice cold, still sounding slightly disbelieving. Karlie doesn't want to turn her head back to Taylor, she knows the question is directed to her. Why can't she ask Tree this?
"He wants to negotiate terms of the contract. Which we need to have signed ASAP, so yeah, we are having him here. Karlie had him post a picture from back when they were dating, he's essentially acted as a beard," Tree says quickly. She still doesn't look up from her laptop. She's either stupid and completely oblivious to the quiet anger humming off of Taylor's body now, or she simply doesn't care.
"He's coming here?" Taylor asks, slightly louder now. "Today?" She adds, her voice cracking.
Karlie roughly runs a hand through her hair, knowing that today of all days could not be more inconvenient. She quickly pulls the hand away from her scalp when realizing, as she had close to a week ago, that she seems to have adopted Josh's nervous tick.
"Babe, it's going to be fine. Quick and easy," Karlie says quickly, turning to face Taylor now.
"He's coming here?" Taylor asks, her eyes wide, and most definitely wielding more anger than disbelief now.
"He's just— He's going to sign the contract, it's fine! It will be fine!" Karlie insists, reaching out for Taylor, but she backs away too soon.
"Why would I want him here? I don't want to see him, I could go my entire life without seeing him and be totally fine!" Taylor exclaims.
"Taylor, we need him here," Tree interrupts now, folding her hands together and finally focusing her attention on the couple. "We need him here and we need him to sign the contract, and for all we know, maybe we needed him to post that picture."
"How could both of you be doing this to me?!" Taylor exclaims in complete disbelief, looking back and forth from Tree and Karlie in panicked anger. "Why would I want to see him?! He hates me, and rightfully so! What is there even to negotiate?! Why can't he just sign it?!"
"We'll just have to see when he gets here to find out," Tree says with a shrug, her nonchalant attitude remaining unchanged despite Taylor's frenzied voice. Karlie knows from personal experience that Tree's ability to stay so calm in situations like these can be infuriating.
Taylor groans through gritted teeth and looks to Karlie, as if for backup. Karlie quickly looks away from Taylor, something she almost never does, and it even feels odd to herself. She has undoubtedly just refused to help Taylor.
"Are you guys twisted?! This is my house! How do you both think this is a totally casual affair?!" Taylor exclaims.
"There's nothing casual about this, but it is necessary," Tree replies easily.
"I DON'T WANT HIM HERE!" Taylor yells, her voice booming in the kitchen.
"These are the facts, Taylor," Tree says quickly and sternly. "Josh probably does hate you. And he probably should hate you. You treated him rotten behind his back, without him ever knowing. For your own conscience, it is probably a lot easier for you to never see him again, but he's a very real person who knows very real information about you and Karlie, making him have very real power right now. Own up to your mistakes and realize you can't just wish Josh away, at least Karlie is able to do that."
Taylor is shocked into silence, glaring at Tree. Karlie just counts her blessings that that glare isn't directed towards her. She bites down on the inside of her cheek, wishing Josh could have just signed the contract, no questions asked. But suddenly she recalls just why he wants to negotiate terms, and it is because of the contract she herself signed, a contract that Josh had insisted was completely unfair. An unfairness that he implied Taylor and Tree both knew full well about. Should I mention what he said? Should I warn them? Is Tree even someone I should care about warning of something?
"I don't want him here," Taylor repeats, but her voice sounds much smaller now, and once more today two tears are gliding down her cheeks now.
Tree begins, "Taylor, we need—'
"Just stop," Karlie interrupts before Tree can finish, encasing Taylor in a strong hug that Taylor readily accepts. She looks over Taylor's head to stare at Tree, her green eyes warning her to stay quiet. "You don't need to be in the room with us," Karlie says to Taylor, rocking Taylor back and forth. Tree's eyes light up and her facial expression radically shifts, obviously signaling to Karlie that that isn't true at all. Taylor does need to be present. But Karlie steadily stares at Tree, still silently warning her to be quiet.
"You shouldn't have had to ask him to post that picture. You shouldn't have to do any of this," Taylor says, so quietly against Karlie's shoulder that Tree may not have even heard her.
"I want to be with you, so I want to do all of this," Karlie replies. Well, that's mostly true.
Taylor shakes her head against Karlie. "I don't want to see him at all, and I don't want him to be in my home, but I would feel worse if I wasn't in here with you when he's here too."
She slightly parts from Karlie and glances up at her, worry shining bright in her eyes.
"It will be fine. Quick and easy," Karlie assures her, pretending not to notice that Tree is slightly shaking her head in disbelief as she goes back to her laptop.
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I'm going to keep this short: I've been working 7 days a week, 50 hours a week, along with having friends and family. I've been incredibly busy and haven't been able to write. Starting next week, I will be working a third of what I'm working now, so I will have SO much more free time, meaning more writing time.
Right now I have 20 ish pages of Chapter 10 done (this is about <15ish of those pages). I have two more scenes to write of Chapter 10 (10-15 more pages). I'm on call, and was just called into work, so I'm going in now and figured I would upload what I have so far, and hopefully finish Chapter 10 tonight when I get home. Chapter 10 has A LOT going on it, but I feel like this section doesn't have anything going on in it YET. So sorry about that. But Josh, Cara, Jourdan, Abigail, the Kloss family, and the Ingrid Michaelson concert will be in 10.2. So hopefully I don't get forced to stay late, and will finish that up tonight.