I tried hard not to let Peyton’s words get to me but they always seemed to pop into my mind at the worst moments. I would seem to be just able relax with Logan’s arm around my shoulders as we laughed along with his friends when realization would dawn on me: Peyton was right.
Logan and I would be sitting around with his friends casually enjoying the day when I would notice him slip an arm around my waist or occasionally my shoulders. We would walk hand in hand at almost all times and his hugs had become our way to say goodbye. Everything seemed perfect but then I started to notice that every time we did these things, they were clearly public.
Maybe I was just being paranoid about it but Logan seemed to really play the loveable and affectionate boyfriend while we were around other people. It didn’t have to be Caitlyn as long as people were around; Logan was touching me in some way. Once I discovered this fact, I began to get a little depressed every time I noticed it happen. I believe Logan saw my change in mood but he was too nice to comment on it.
Everything he did just made me hear Peyton’s voice, “…he's just playing the part of the great boyfriend. The worst part is that everyone is falling for his act including you.”
Then I would look over at Logan who was normally attached to me somehow and sigh. Peyton was right. It was all just an act and I had to get rid of my stupid giddy feelings of him and move on before I actually got hurt.
I made vow to myself one day that I would avoid all unnecessary contact with Logan and focus on someone else. The only question on my mind was: who else out there was worth the effort?
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My mother was strangely kind to me about New Years. I visited her during my first week of winter break. I spent Christmas with my mother up and Olympus. She told me simply that she had so much work going on in preparation for the next year that she wasn’t going to the New Year’s party in Olympus therefore, I didn’t have to go. In translation, this was the only holiday I actually got off from my mother and I intended on taking every advantage of it.
Don’t think I was a horrible person because I repeatedly asked my mother if she was sure but she only nodded. I decided not to press the issue anymore since the bags underneath my mother’s eyes had seemed to double since Thanksgiving. I really didn’t need her worrying about my concern for her.
The party that was held for New Years was ‘legendary’ according to almost every student at my college who had attended. I was pretty excited for it actually until I heard about one tradition a few days before the party.
“What?” My face dropped as Hazel nodded her head.
“Haven’t you ever heard that? When midnight strikes, you’re supposed to kiss someone. It’s for good luck in the romance department of your life for the next year.”
Ally nodded along with her friend. “Just like how you’re supposed to have money in your pocket when midnight strikes to symbolize having money over the course of the next year.”
I shook my head. “I’ve never heard of those things.”
“Now you have,” Hazel pointed out. “The people who throw the party always turn off all the lights at midnight for five seconds so people will pair up and kiss in the dark. Then when the lights come back on you can see who it is or you can forget about it for the rest of your life. Whatever you want. It’s no big deal and it’s tons of fun!”
“As if we don’t know who’s going to go after Vee,” Ally said eyeing me.
I smiled toward her but inside I was frightened about the idea. That was definitely unnecessary contact with Logan. I had to figure out a way to get out of it.
The night of the party, I was pacing around my house still trying to figure out a solution.
“Relax,” Peyton muttered uncaringly while she studied her nails. “You’re constant pacing is making me tired.”
“What am I going to do if he tries to kiss me?”
Peyton rolled her eyes. “Kiss him back?”
“You told me not to!” I whined sinking down into a nearby chair.
“I told you to keep your options open,” Peyton corrected. “Don’t close this guy out completely but watch out when it comes to him. You never know if he’s being serious or not. And I never tell you to do anything. I always suggest things.”
I rolled my eyes at the nonsense coming from her mouth. “You are so confusing.”
“It’s part of my job,” she said indifferent.
I grunted as I heard the doorbell ring. I quickly said my goodbyes to Peyton before grabbing my jacket and practically running out the door.
“Whoa,” Logan said catching me before I could pass him to go down the stairs. “What’s your hurry? We have until midnight to get there.”
I laughed a little nervously and ran a hand through my hair which was straight and hanging down around my shoulders. “I guess I’m anxious to get there.” And get a drink.
“Then your chariot awaits,” he said bowing slightly and pointing down the stairs. I laughed and felt that bubbly feeling in my stomach start to spread. I immediately put a stop to it by turning serious. Tonight, I would not think about Logan in any overly romantic way.
Once we were in his ridiculously nice car, I relaxed a little more as I cleared my mind. I made sure to begin preparing my metal block. I would definitely need it tonight.
“You look great,” Logan commented as he pulled out onto the main road. I looked down at my dark denim skinny jeans mixed with tan fur boots and a turquoise blue blouse. It wasn’t what I normally wear and I’ll admit that Peyton helped me a little in the clothing department but I took his compliment nonetheless.
“Thanks,” I mumbled. “You look nice too.”
He did in his seemingly matching dark denim jeans (not skinny jeans that would be weird) and blue striped polo. It almost looked like Peyton had known what Logan would have been wearing.
Logan laughed lightly keeping his eyes on the road but he quickly regained his serious expression. He was normally like that so I didn’t think much into it.
This party was held at a two story rented club. Apparently, it was yearly rented out by the people who threw this party. It was a pretty cool place even though it was relatively far from the school and my apartment.
In my midst of thinking about my expectations for the party Logan’s voice interrupted my thoughts. ‘Tonight’s the night. I’m going to take the plunge tonight. It’s all or nothing tonight. At midnight, I’m just going to kiss her.’
My eyes widened as I realized that it was his thoughts and not his words. I tried my best not to start hyperventilating. I was overreacting, he could be thinking about Caitlyn. After all he only said her not Vee or Avena. That calmed me down for the rest of the ride.
Logan parked in the parking lot that was already filled with cars. It was relatively dark outside and as I got out of the car, I started to panic again. I still had no plan on how to stop this.
In the few seconds it took Logan to walk over to me and take my hand, I decided that I would lose him somewhere inside. I know it wasn’t the best plan in the world but it would do for short notice…I hoped.
Logan intertwined our fingers and I gave him my best reassuring smile as he led me inside. It was truly a club scene inside with dim lighting but spotlights in every color rotating around. There was a dance floor in the middle of the room that had tiles that changed colors. The floor was barely noticeable though because of all the bodies occupying it. Music was playing loudly and off to the right of the place stood a bar. There was an upstairs floor and from the bottom floor, you could see up to it. There was a large square hole in the center of the second floor. The place was absolutely packed with people so I decided to stick with my last minute plan.
What seemed most out of place though was the huge television screen placed high up on the ceiling so people on both floors could see it. It was counting down the minutes until midnight. I just felt like it was teasing me.
“Upstairs is quieter with couches and tables everywhere,” Logan practically yelled into my ear so I could hear him. “Down here is the club scene. Where would you like to go?”
“I’m just going to get myself a drink,” I answered. “Why don’t we meet somewhere a little later?” In my mind I was thinking of something along the lines of after midnight.
Logan cocked his head to the side but nodded anyway. “Fine, meet me upstairs a few minutes before midnight. Stay in one spot and I’ll find you.”
We were pretty close considering how we had to communicate so before Logan left me alone, he pecked my cheek and ran off. I lost him in the crowd within two seconds and I shook my head after him wondering what that was all about. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was the ‘her’ he was talking about after all.
Shoving my way to the bar and finally getting a drink ate up quite a bit of time considering all the guys that had to ask me to dance. I declined every one of course and when I finally had my alcohol I downed it quickly. The bartender looked at me impressed and offered to make me another but I said no. I wanted to be aware of what happened tonight.
Time ticked by and I felt like I was going to explode. The alcohol did nothing to calm my nerves and only made me a little drowsy. I sighed as I leaned against an empty space along the wall and tried to weigh my options.
I could go upstairs but then I risk the chance of Logan actually finding me. I could not go upstairs and say I did. I was sure that it was so packed Logan wouldn’t know the difference anyway. That plan sounded great until I remember that Hazel said the lights go out so I could be grabbed by some drunk on the first floor.
I groaned, though it was inaudible with the music, at this whole situation. Eventually my mind told me that I would rather be kissed by Logan than a total stranger. I dragged myself up to the second floor. It was pretty packed just like first.
It was just as Logan said with couches lining the walls and then various tables and chairs spread out. Every single one was occupied of course and mostly with drunk people already making out. There wasn’t a single sign of Logan or any of his friends. I never felt more alone at a party than I did right then.
Maybe it was a good thing. I needed to be alone with my thoughts sometimes instead of stuck with the thoughts of everyone else’s.
I leaned against the railing that stopped anyone from falling into the hole that allowed the second floor to see down to the first. I let out a loud breath and ran my hands through my hair for the second time that day. Suddenly, all the music stopped and almost everyone started cheering. I looked around confused as to what was happening but then the big screen television started glowing as it counted down from thirty.
My eyes widened as I looked around me in a panic for Logan. He was nowhere in sight but I did spot some creepy looking guys nearby and I shuddered thinking they could possible end up kissing me. The thought was so repulsive that I had to turn around started taking a few deep breaths. Suddenly there was only twenty seconds to go…
Logan told me to stay where I was and that he would find me, right? I needed to trust him. He told me he would come and he was better than a stranger any day.
10, 9, 8…
Oh why did I want us to separate again?
7, 6…
Right, because I didn’t want him to kiss me.
5, 4…
I looked behind me frantically and easily caught the eye of a few of the single guys. I swallowed hard before facing the screen again.
3…
Okay Logan, you can show up anytime now.
2…
I closed my eyes and prayed to god that Logan was somewhere behind me.
1!
A chorus of cheers erupted as I opened my eyes just long enough to see all the lights go off leaving the entire club in pitch black darkness. I waited to be forcefully grabbed or shoved but nothing happened. It was almost like time seemed to slow down and for the first second, I was actually hopeful that everyone would just pass me up.
But then I felt it. It was just a gentle hand on the back of my arm. I turned around in the dark gathering no evidence of this mystery person other than the fact that he wasn’t forceful.
I felt his hands cup both my cheeks and even through the loud noise of cheering (from the non-kissers I suppose) I heard a very masculine voice say, “I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now.”
I didn’t get any time to identify the voice as Logan’s before I felt a pair of lips brush against mine softly as if testing out where they were. Then after the soft peck it suddenly got serious and a little more forceful. I felt the guy’s hands leave my face and move into my hair and my waist. I naturally wrapped my hands around his neck and closed my eyes to enjoy the feeling.
It was weird kissing someone who weren’t totally sure who it was but it felt nice; good actually. My brain automatically assumed that this was Logan. There was no way it couldn’t be according to my logic. Just the way our lips molded together and moved rhythmically made me think that it was all meant to be but there was one thing missing. I always pictured kissing ‘the one’ would give me that spark or in my case, the bubbly feeling in my stomach would spread all over my body but I didn’t feel it at all. I didn’t feel anything inside in fact. I just robotically felt someone kissing my lips.
My heart stopped beating for a second at the thought regardless if it should have been beating very fast because of the activity my lips were participating in. But this was good - I told myself - this meant that I could effectively get over Logan because we were not meant to be.
‘God, her boyfriend’s going to be so pissed. Ready yourself for a punch.’
The lights came back on just as I widened my eyes and broke apart from whom I assumed was Logan. I was still pressed against this person tangled up with them. It wasn’t hard to tell what we had just been doing.
As soon as my eyes and brain were able to focus, I realized straight away that I was not in the arms of Logan but instead in the arms of Jason. I pulled away from him like I had been zapped and even he was quick to let go of me.
“Listen, don’t be mad,” Jason started.
I shook my head trying to disbelieve everything. I didn’t even know Jason was here. How was this happening? I suddenly found myself breathing hard and it wasn’t because of a breathtaking kiss.
“I saw you standing by yourself with your boyfriend nowhere in sight and I didn’t want you be alone on this day of all days,” Jason rambled eager to explain himself.
I held up my hand to silence him trying to sort out all my thoughts. The music had stated back up so quieting Jason didn’t really do much good.
So the kiss wasn’t with Logan? The feeling of no spark or warmth was not from Logan. It was with Jason. My heart did a little flip of joy at the thought and I couldn’t figure out why.
I scanned over the crowds hoping for Logan to at least come out now and explain his apologies of why he couldn’t find me. I was sure there was a simple reason. He probably just got held up in the crowd, right? Looking around though, I saw no sign of him anywhere and immediately my stomach sank. So he really wasn’t looking for me? I wasn’t really the ‘her’ he was talking about. I felt suddenly depressed by the idea of it all.
Wait! I went from not wanting Logan to kiss me to wishing he had. Something was clearly messed up in my head.
Jason was still staring at me obviously awaiting my reply. I looked at him and tried to consider him as a future boyfriend of mine. The idea didn’t seem ridiculous; in fact it actually seemed probable. He could be the one to help me get over my immature feelings for Logan.
I gave him a little smile that didn’t quite reach my eyes. “That was very sweet of you.”
Jason broke out in a goofy grin. “Where is the boyfriend anyway? I know I need to hightail it out of here before he gets back.”
I glanced around the room again but was met with the same result as before. My face fell even more than before and Jason caught on. He reached out and lifted my chin up slightly just so I could meet his brown eyes.
“Did you guys break up?”
I shook my head. “We’re just having…some problems as of right now.”
“Oh, do you want me to help you look for him or anything?” Jason was being overly polite.
I sighed tearing myself away from him. “I’m just going to head out.”
Jason furrowed his eyebrows but didn’t question or follow me thankfully. Once I knew I was out of Jason’s sight, I practically ran out of there. I didn’t plan on walking home but I did plan on waiting by Logan’s car. He was my ride home unfortunately.
Outside in the cool quiet atmosphere, I was finally able to think. I stood outside the building for a few minutes trying to clear my head. I was so confused. I felt like I had read someone’s mind that was too complicated to understand but I knew that it was my mind and no one else’s. It had just become more complex for me to even decipher. I felt like crying, did that sound weak?
I never thought those overdramatic TV shows were more correct about anything than right now. Maybe it was just my life? Apparently someone had it out for me. Was this my punishment for wanting something I shouldn’t have pushed so hard to get? What a great start to a new year, huh?
I tried to clear away all my thoughts as I hugged myself to keep warm and kept on my path to Logan’s car. The parking lot was dead, there wasn’t a single person around since most of them planned to stay for a few more hours. I heard a distant call of a bird but it wasn’t just any bird, it was the ‘who’ of an owl. I looked up for the owner of the sound and spotted a snow white owl sitting on a telephone wire so clearly out of place.
“Evening Polias,” I mumbled toward the bird. It was somewhat comforting knowing my mother was watching over me but at the same time, I didn’t want my problems becoming hers. She seemed to have so much on her plate already. The guilt of stressing out my mother suddenly felt like a heavy weight on my shoulders. Could my day get any worse?
I felt the owl’s presence as I made my way to the car but stopped short when I was within a few feet of it. Logan was standing watching me approach with his hands casually in his pants pockets. His expression was unreadable.
I neared him slowly making sure I kept a foot of space between us. I saw something flash behind his beautiful blue eyes. I really didn’t want to fight with him right then. I already felt drained of mental use today.
“I saw you,” Logan said simply. That was it. There was no emotion behind it.
I leaned against his car and rubbed my forearms a little to generate some heat but stayed silent. If he wanted me to apologize for this then he was going to be mistaken. This was not my fault. He was the one that was supposed to find me.
“I saw you,” he repeated then added bitterly, “with Jason.”
I looked down at my feet still unsure of what he wanted me to say.
Logan exhaled. “I guess I didn’t get to you fast enough huh? You’ve got everyone trying to go for you.”
“I’ve only got Jason going after me,” I couldn’t help but retort. “You’re going after Cat, remember?”
“Screw her,” Logan yelled out surprising me enough to take a step back. “You always bring her up but you know what? I haven’t thought about her in the romantic sense since the date where my sister interrupted. My thoughts have all been occupied with you.”
I didn’t say anything not because I didn’t want to but because I literally couldn’t. Again, the feeling of gushing out tears came back but I held it in. Why was he telling me this now while there was no one around? Shouldn’t he be telling me this when we have an audience? I looked around quickly making sure that wasn’t his motive but we were completely alone.
Logan ran a hand through his golden locks before he harshly opened his driver side door and said, “I’m going home now so I can either drop you off or you can get a ride with your new friend.”
I bit my tongue to keep from saying something and just wordlessly joined him the car. The ride back to my place was painfully quiet. I cursed the fact that my house was so far from this place. Once we were sitting in the parking space outside my apartment, I felt inclined to say something, anything but my mind drew a blank.
I began to reach for the door when Logan cut in, “Really? I just basically told you that I like you rather than Cat who I was originally in this whole mess even though I just painfully watched you kiss some guy I don’t like and you have nothing to say?”
I sat back in the passenger seat and plainly said, “No.”
“No?”
“No,” I repeated. “I have nothing to say to you. Other than the fact that I won’t return your feelings Logan and I’m sorry. I want to like you, so much, but I can’t because I never know if you are just acting or what. How am I supposed to know when you not playing the part of the perfect boyfriend or when you are really being it? I don’t. So no, I won’t say anything to you.”
Logan looked like he had sometime to add but I quickly got out of the car before he could say anything. Before I slammed the door though I stuck my head back in and added quietly, “But for the record, I was really hoping that you would be the one who found me at midnight. Maybe if you did, this would have turned out differently.”
Then I effectively slammed the door making sure to avoid my knee this time. I began to walk toward my apartment building.
I was only a few feet from the front door when I heard Logan yell, “What does that mean for us?”
I turned around surprised to see him standing outside of the car with the driver’s side door wide open. I shrugged. “We have a deal and I’ll stick with it until January if that’s what you want. Goodnight Logan.”
I heard him mutter something, probably a similar farewell but I didn’t really care to listen. Inside my house, I closed my door and leaned my forehead against it.
“How’d it go?” Peyton’s voice asked.
I practically jumped a foot but turned around to face her. “Should you be home celebrating with your family?”
She shook her head. “I’ve got eternity with them. I couldn’t miss out on your soap opera of a life tonight.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks.”
“So what happened?”
I met her expect gaze uneasily. My stomach turned at the thought of uttering the words on my mind. I ignored the feeling and spoke them anyway.
“You were right…about everything. I think I may have a distraction.”
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Author's Note: How many people expected that?