"But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought." ~ George Orwell
The Lover
For a while, I sat there. In my car. Staring up at the building in front of me; willing myself to either go in or go home. I didn't know what to do. Didn't know what I wanted to do either.
My conscience kicked in when I was halfway across the parking lot towards the entrance and that's when I knew it wasn't a matter of wanting to at all; it was a matter of needing to.
I approached the front reception, nodding my head and smiling at the receptionist awkwardly before clearing my throat and taking a deep breath.
"I-I'm Spencer Reid. I'm here to see my mom... Uh, Diana Reid." The receptionist grinned brightly and her eyes sparkled as she flagged a nearby nurse.
"Certainly Doctor Reid, Nurse Elena will take you to her." I wondered how the receptionist knew I was a Doctor and smirked as I heard Melanie's voice in my head pointing out the fact that my choice of clothing will always give way to the fact that I'm a Doctor.
"Doctor Reid how nice to see you," The nurse, Elena, greeted me with a warm smile. "Your mother has been asking after you for a while now. But she understands your work is very demanding."
"Did she receive my letters?" I asked and Elena nodded. "And my messages... From... From the last times?" Elena nodded again and I sighed guiltily.
I'd lost count of the number of times I'd driven all the way here before pausing by the front reception and losing my bottle.
I loved my mom. But so many times I'd had to tell her about Melanie, and so many times I'd watched her heart break. Eventually, I just couldn't do it anymore.
"She's having a good day today, Doctor. We're trying to keep it that way. It's been a long time since." I sighed sadly at this news before nodding my head and approaching my mom sat in front of the window in a high-backed chair; engrossed in a book.
"Hello, mom." I announced my presence beside her and she looked up, blinking slowly as though she was hallucinating.
"Spencer?" She questioned in surprise, reaching up to remove her reading glasses which she hadn't had to use in such a long time.
"My God," She half-gasped. "Look at you," She said in a displeased tone. "You're practically skin and bone! You've aged, Spencer, what's happened?" I smiled at her concern and took to the seat opposite her.
"I'm fine, mom, really," I insisted. "I'm just working hard."
"Working hard, that's all you ever do is work hard. Work hard at what, Spencer? At catching criminals? Or breaking the hearts of loved ones?"
I dipped my head.
Of course. Now she remembered.
"It's not just Melanie you don't see anymore, it's me now too. I mean really, Spencer, how long were you going to leave it? Did you really think I wouldn't know you stood there, too scared to come in to see me?"
"I didn't want to upset you." I said in a weak voice and she reached forward, covering my hands with one of her frail own.
"I am your mother, Spencer," She said in a stern tone that made me look up at her. "A mother always protects her children, no matter what, and if that means taking emotion and turmoil on the chin in order to put on a brave face to keep their children at peace, then so be it."
"Mom, you were heartbroken about what happened-"
"Yes," She nodded, withdrawing her hand to sit back against her chair. "But so were you. Eventually, I would've come to see that and I would've protected you, as all mothers should do, Spencer. Just like Melanie done for the eight months that she carried your child,"
My heart squeezed and I couldn't look at her any more.
"You will look at me Spencer because these are words you have to hear. Just because I'm locked up in this place on countless pills each day, doesn't mean I'm stupid. Doesn't mean I don't remember things or feel things or know how your brain and your heart work."
"There's nothing you can say, mom," I said gently. "It was a long time ago, now. We've moved on."
"The first thing a mother can always spot is a lie. You should know better than to lie to me, Spencer, I'm disappointed," She practically tutted at me. If I were Melanie I'd be rolling my eyes.
"Regardless as to how long ago it was, you will always feel the pain and the love of your relationship and what happened. You both lost a child, and that can impact for several years, in many different ways. Avoiding meals and your mother isn't going to help you. For a smart boy, you make some pretty stupid decisions."
I sniggered at that, nodding my head in agreement.
"Yeah." I said in a thick voice and she chuckled with me.
"Yeah, yeah," She nodded, reaching forward to squeeze my hand. She waited there until I met her eyes sadly and she smiled at me, her eyes shining as they bored into mine.
"I am so sorry, Spencer," She said truthfully, holding my eyes with every word. "I am truly, truly, sorry, my boy. What happened to you was cruel and unfair and heartbreaking,"
There was a pause and I knew there was a but coming.
"But it does not signal the end," I knew it.
"With every disaster that happens in the world, it marks a new beginning. A new period when we have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start over. Just because you lost a child, doesn't mean you should have lost a fiance.
"You and Melanie were in so much love. Pure, real, good, honest love. And that doesn't have to be lost."
"Too much water-"
"Has gone under the bridge, yes yes yes, I know, she said the same thing," My mom scoffed, sitting back and waving her hand impatiently.
Immediately I frowned.
What was she talking about?
"You know you two are so similar it annoys me you're not together, I mean could you really be so stupid and blind as to not see what everyone else does, Spencer?"
"Mom I don't know what you're talking about. Melanie was here?" I was completely distracted by her earlier words.
"Of course she was, Spencer," She scoffed. "I've seen more of Melanie this year than what I have of you, and that's saying something. And I can tell she's not been eating either. What is it with you two? You're acting like a pair of lovestruck dumbstruck teenagers from one of these bad TV shows. Stop being so stroppy and do the right thing!"
I opened my mouth to question her further but I held myself; seeing that she was growing agitated and knowing that that wasn't going to help her.
Putting it down to mere confusion I changed the subject; my heart clenching at the thought of Melanie visiting my mom each time she'd been in DC.
*
After spending the entire day with my mom I decided to ask her a question I'd been frightened of asking all day.
"Mom..." My voice was weak and quiet and for some reason, I couldn't make it go any louder.
"Yes, Spencer?" There was that stern, serious tone again.
"Would you want for Melanie and I to be together again?" I asked without looking at her face, unable to meet her eyes from lack of confidence.
"Spencer," She said seriously and leaned forward, taking my hands into her own beneath the chess table we were sat at in her bedroom.
"All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy. If you are happy apart from Melanie, without her, then I am happy too. But I can see that right now, there's something bothering you that's making you unhappy. I don't like that, Spencer. I don't like that at all. That makes me sad. If you're happy with Melanie, then that's the right thing to do. But so long as you're happy Spencer, then I am too. And happiness is all that matters in life."
I processed my mom's words. Even after I'd left the sanitarium and I was back in my apartment, staring up at the ceiling above my empty bed, wondering what the Hell would make me happy.
Cigarette smoke clouded the air above my face, and that made me kind of happy. It made me unable to completely see, and so long as I couldn't see clearly, I couldn't feel clearly either.
What would make you happy Spencer?
I remembered all of the times that I'd laughed. Not just a chuckle at one of Morgan's lame jokes or pranks.
But a proper heartfelt, belly-rumbling laugh that made me feel warm inside. The kind of laughter that makes you feel the joke, it warms you up completely and makes you feel the happiness bursting throughout your body.
I tried to remember that feeling; that warm feeling of being so happy I felt as though I was bursting with the warmness of pure laughter and joy.
And then I was back in the old apartment Melanie and I shared; the one she'd insisted on bringing our newborn baby home to live in. I was back in that apartment and I even physically smiled at the memories that apartment brought.
The times I spent there with Melanie on the sofa I'd moved to this apartment, wrapped in the blanket I kept over the sofa where she'd keep it too. There were so many things I physically couldn't bring myself to change in case of forgetting those memories
I sat up in a hurry as I realised something.
Those memories made me happy, the feeling they brought me made me smile and tear at the absence of being unable to create new ones.
When I was with Melanie; when we were together; when we had all the time in the world. It was so unthinkable to imagine a time without her. I thought we'd be together forever because I had an infinite amount of love for her.
I was madly in love with her, but every part of me loved and adored her. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her. Which is why, in the end, I let her go. Because I knew that's the only way she could heal, was alone.
Unfortunately, once I healed from our tragedy, I had to heal from the loss of her too. And now I can see that I've never really healed from the loss of her. And I never will, because I'll never stop loving her.
And so long as I'm in love with her, so long as I'm loving her, there won't ever be a time when I'm happy without her.
It was in that moment that I realised, my mom was right.
I needed her. I wanted her. I loved her.
And I had to get her back.
What had I done?