I did not know what would become of me. As I lay on my bed apprehensively waiting for my parents to come into my bedroom, my heart beat rapidly in my chest and tears fell down my cheeks. Now, I was afraid to trust this young man who evoked new feelings within my innocent heart. River told me he was against killing my brother. To believe a stranger over my father was less than reasonable. However, River’s eyes were full of remorse and truth, not guilt. I wanted to believe him.
On the spur of the moment, the door opened slowly and I knew it was my parents. I felt the bed lower as my mother sat down. She began to softly run her hand down my back. Mama was not one to yell as was my daddy. She was always so tender when she spoke to me.
“Jocelyn,” she started. The stress in her voice was evident and I knew that I did nothing to make it better. “Why did you go out to the river in the middle of the night, honey?”
I wiped my face with my hands and stayed silent. How would they take it? I was the daughter of a minister and the last thing they would expect me to do was kill myself because my brother died. The daughter of a pastor is supposed to be stronger than that.
“I…I was….” I struggled to spit my words out.
“Yes?” Mama asked for me to continue.
I sighed and whispered, “I didn’t want to live in this world anymore.”
“What?” Daddy yelled loudly. “I don't understand how a young lady as smart as you would want to do something so senseless! God never puts you through anything you can't handle. Jocelyn, I’ve told you that a million times!”
“I know,” I responded. “I was just overcome by my feelings. I let them get the best of me.” Slowly, I sat up on my bed and faced the door. “River stopped me from my decision,” I mumbled.
“River...is that the young man’s name?” Mama asked.
I nodded my head, expressionlessly. “He let me know that even though racism is alive, there are more Godly people in the world.” I smiled as I brought back the memory.
“Hm,” Daddy hummed, seemingly not very interested. “Did you tell him about your brother?”
“I did,” I answered and looked down at my hands on my lap.
“And did he tell you that he was involved?” Mama spoke up.
“No, ma’am,” I responded. “However, deep down I do believe that he was against it.”
“Is that so?” Daddy asked.
“Yes, sir.”
The room fell silent for a minute and then Daddy spoke up once again.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d believe you were infatuated with this young man. Well, I know one thing; I don’t want to see the two of you together ever again. It’s what’s best for you. Am I clear?”
“Yes, sir,” I replied. I knew that was coming, so I did not try to argue.
“Good, now get to bed we have a big day tomorrow,” he told me and headed for the door. He left the room, but Mama remained on my bed.
Mama took my chin, turned my face towards her, and kissed me on the cheek.
“He’s only so hard on you because he loves you.”
I nodded my head to show that I understood. “I know,” I said.
“Jocelyn,” she started. “You don’t have much experience with men and his color does make this situation harder. I know that you like that young man, and for your own safety and for the protection of your heart, stay away from him, alright?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I responded to my mother.
She got up from my bed and headed for the door. “Good-night, Jocelyn,” she said and left the room.
****
“Let us commend Bryson Smith to the mercy of God,” Reverend Lloyd said before the crowd of people who were shedding many tears.
Everyone bowed their heads for prayer. Behind me were Bryson’s mourning wife and his two year old son. Mama stood beside me squeezing my hand as we mourned. Daddy had his arm wrapped around mama's shoulders as he consoled her.
“We therefore commit Bryson’s body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life.”
They lowered the casket into the ground. At the end of the burial service, I stood by myself and watched them cover his casket with dirt. Daddy had to take my mother away since she was surmounted and on the verge of fainting.
I threw a flower on the casket before they had it fully covered in dirt. “I'll miss you,” I spoke to my dead brother through snivels.
“Jocelyn,” Denise, my cousin called my name. Her father, James was my uncle and my daddy’s brother.
I looked up to see her approaching me with sympathetic eyes. Denise was usually kind to me in a time of sadness, but when there was no grief, she lost all kindness towards me.
She put her arm around my shoulder. “We been lookin' for you. Your daddy sent me. Come on,” she pulled me with her to the family car.
On this day, our house was once again filled with family and friends who had come to comfort us. The entire time, I was spacing in and out. My thoughts were consumed with Bryson and River. Mama and Daddy stayed strong, although they could not conceal the sorrow in their eyes.
People were gracious enough to bring food over. I didn’t have much of an appetite, so I picked over the food in my plate. Looking towards the kitchen, I spotted my two year old nephew. Kenny was being fussy and Michelle was having a tough time getting him to settle down, so I placed my plate on the end table to my right and I went into the kitchen.
“Would you mind if I take him off your hands for a little while, so that you can eat something?” I asked her as she tried to make Kenny be still.
Her face was relieved. “Oh,” she breathed. “Thank you, Jocelyn. I don't know why he's actin' like this.”
I picked Kenny up from her lap and placed him on my hip. She handed me his blue sippey cup,
“Again, Jocelyn, thanks so much,” she said.
I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s the least I can do.”
I walked out of the kitchen and as I sat down in my chair, Kenny pulled my ponytail.
“Ouch,” I expressed and pulled his chubby little arm down from my neck. “Are you hungry?”
I took my plate down from the end table, upraised a spoon full of peas and put it in front of his mouth.
“Say a-h-h-h!”
“A-h-h-h,” he obeyed me and I put the spoon in his mouth.
“Good boy!” I exclaimed enthusiastically.
My stress on River and Bryson showed perpetually as I was a deep thinker and lost myself in silence. Mama and Daddy did everything they could to keep me busy. By Saturday, they had had enough. I was wasting away my summer by dwelling on these events. Daddy forced me to go the movies with Denise. For me, this was a horrific idea.
“But---” I started to protest and he cut me off.
“No, I don’t want to hear it! Now, get ready!” I heard him say as he walked down the hall.
“Fine!” I said a bit too loudly and with a little too much attitude.
He appeared at my door again. “You better watch who speak to like that and you need to hurry! They are already in the living room waiting on you.”
“They?” I asked myself quietly.
Reluctantly, I arose from my bed. I had been sitting there, reading and listening to my record player until he came into my room and informed me. I took a look in my full length mirror. A list could be written of the things I was insecure about, but the features I hated the most were my small breasts and that I was knock-kneed. There was nothing I could do to change these flaws, so I lived humbly and only let my complaints go past my brain and into my mother's ears who tried to tell me that I would fill out as I reached my mid-twenties because she was the same way.
In my opinion, I looked presentable in my pastel, yellow full circle skirt and white, short sleeved button down blouse. My ebony hair hung loose pass my shoulders and it held a bit of curl. I placed a white headband on my head and then I was pleased with myself. I opened my door and went to meet them downstairs.
Immediately, I was hit with the fact that I was destined to be the third wheel, for her boyfriend accompanied her. Denise was waiting for me on the sofa in the living room. On Denise’s mouth was a small smile that I could only assume was a mask for her disdain for me. Her skin was a deep chocolate brown, and her hair was curled and framed her face perfectly. Standing at 5’7” and having an hourglass frame, Denise had no problem attracting young men. Needless to say, I was jealous of her curves and her bosom.
“Hey, Jocelyn,” Denise’s boyfriend, Raymond greeted me.
“Hi,” I replied.
Raymond, or Ray as most called him, was an athlete who was popular on the football team. Ray always wore a kind pearly white smile. Because he was such a sweet boy, I often questioned how he ended up with a girl like Denise.
Mama came out of kitchen and into the living room with her purse and my white cardigan in her hands. She handed me some money and placed my cardigan over my shoulders. The healthiness of her caramel skin had returned. Her short sandy brown hair was slicked back and pinned into a doughnut bun.
“You children make sure you’re careful out there!” she yelled to us as we left.
As we walked to the car, Denise slightly turned her head to look at me. She smiled, showing the slight gap between her too front teeth. Denise faced forward again and I could see her shaking her head in shame.
“Jocelyn, what do you have on? You ain’t twelve no more, girl!”
“Baby, be nice!” Ray begged and then he looked back at me. “Jocelyn, don't you mind her one bit.”
This was why I didn’t want to come. Denise acted this way towards me since childhood. She would turn her friends against me. It was not I who had an issue with Denise. She was not aware that I caught on, but I knew that the reason she treated me worthlessly was because she had grown tired of people telling her that she should be more like me. Instead of listening to them, she set out to be the complete opposite.
Denise was one of those girls in the fast lane and because I was not, she made fun of me. She teased me for making good grades and for being inexperienced. I felt that Ray slowed her down a bit. Ray's qualities were different from the other unruly young men she fooled around with and it has been clarified that Denise and Ray have something serious. They aren't just fooling around. Hopefully, it will last because he kept her grounded and her behavior upset her parents to the limit.
Ray drove Uncle James's red Chevrolet Impala. Quietly, I sat in the backseat and every few minutes or so, Ray would make small talk with me. Each question he asked, Denise had something smart to say about it and we ended up arguing. Ray had to sever it.
Once we arrived at the segregated theater, Ray parked the car, and we got out and headed for the colored ticket booth. Music blared from cars and happy white teenagers chatted and danced to the music. Even though this was a building for both races, we were still on their turf. When I was walking behind Ray and Denise to the entrance door, a tall and homely brunette bumped my shoulder and nearly knocked me over, but that didn't give her a reason to apologize. She just kept on walking. I believe that I heard her say “Nigra” under her breath.
“Oh, no!” I exclaimed and stopped in my tracks when I saw him.
Joseph Williams, a total class clown was leaning against the brick wall, proudly. Joe was easy on the eyes. He had a brain the size of a peanut, and yet, the ladies loved him. Denise only invited him to torture me. She knew how much I detested him.
“Jocelyn, you know Joe, don’t ya?” Denise asked and I nodded my head, knowing her intentions.
“Hello,” I said.
“Hey,” he replied with an arrogant grin.
I gripped Denise’s arm and leaned in close to her ear.
“What were you thinking?” I whispered in an irate tone.
“What?” she asked dumbly. “I figured you wouldn’t wanna be the third wheel.”
She snatched her arm away and took hold of Ray’s arm. Joe looked at me, winked, and I rolled my eyes. He walked beside me as we followed behind Ray and Denise. After paying for our tickets we headed inside.
I stopped in the doorway, remembering something. “I forgot my sweater in the car.”
“I’ll go get it for you,” Ray said. He began to walk towards the door when I stopped him.
“No, it’s fine. I can get it myself!” I insisted. I had to get away from them for just a moment.
“Are ya sho'?” he asked.
“Yes, I’m quite sure. The movie is about to start. You wouldn’t want to miss anything.”
He looked at me strangely and threw the keys to me. “Okay, Jocelyn.”
“It’s alright, I’ll go wit' her and make sure nothin' happens to her,” Joe said and I turned to look scowl at him.
“Go on ahead,” Ray agreed and the two of them walked into the theater.
“You really don’t have to walk with me,” I told him. “I can handle myself, you know. I don’t need a bodyguard.”
“Come on now, baby! I’m just tryna’ watch out for you. I don’t want nobody to snatch your pretty lil' self up.”
I stopped when we were near the car. “My name is, Jocelyn,” I pointed the sharp point of the key towards him.
He lifted his hands up in resignation. “Whoa! Okay!” he laughed.
I went to the back door of the car to open it. I grabbed my white sweater and closed the door. As I put the sweater on, he tried to help me. Enraged by his absolutely disgusting demeanor, I backed away from him.
“Don’t touch me!”
“Why you gotta be so mean?” he inquired with a grin.
I overlooked him and turned to leave when something caught my eye. There, leaning against a motorcycle with a provocatively dressed blonde girl whispering in his ear, was River. He was already looking at me and he didn’t seem as if he enjoyed the company of the girl, although this did not change the idea that he wanted something from her. Or perhaps he had received it already.
“What are you looking at?” I read the blonde girl’s lips. She placed her index finger on the side of River’s chin and turned his head back to her.
I felt my eyes water and then I quickly looked away. Joe squeezed my arm.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
Snatching my arm away, I rushed back into the building. To avoid Joe, I entered the ladies room for colored females where he wouldn't dare come in to get me. When I was in there I immediately went into a stall, pulled the solid cover of the toilet down and sat down on it. River had me fooled. He was nothing more than a ladies man. However, I had no reason to be so affected since he had only kissed me. Still, kisses bring out emotions. Resentment may have overtaken me, but I refused to cry. I didn't succeed very well.
Before Denise came looking for me, I said a quick prayer, cleaned my face and washed my hands, and left for the theater.
“Jocelyn, are you okay?” Denise leaned over and quietly asked me when I was settled in my seat between her and Joe.
Giving her a fake smile, I said, “I'm fine.”
Throughout the rest of the film, I spaced out. The movie screen was nonexistent to me, for it was replaced by River's face. His eyes were morose and I recalled their similarity to the time when the police officer had him on his knees in handcuffs.