C O N N O R
I'm drowning in a sea of emotions and warped desires. I can almost feel his fingertips grazing my sides and tangling themselves in my hair. And the fact that I'm able to feel it scares me. I'm 17 and have never felt attraction to someone until now. How do I act? Does he know? I mean I kissed him, he'd have to be stupid to not at least have a tiny suspicion. But then again if it was the other way around I wouldn't jump straight to him liking me either. I slip on my shoes and begin to tie them.
I woke up this morning from the strangest of dreams. I was sinking in some body of water, only I wasn't scared. It was warm and welcoming and I can remember falling and falling and being completely okay with it. Then another figure comes into view, getting closer and closer to me until it's only inches from my face. Troye's curly hair and blue eyes are prominent, letting me know it's him without having to see his all of his face. He wrapped his arms around me, his eyes dancing with mirth.
Is it worth it Connor? The little voice inside my head spoke. Is it worth all the pain and confusion to like this boy? Troye then ducked his head and brushed his lips against mine lightly. You're not scared of losing control? You're already deaf, are you okay with losing your peace of mind too?
He then connected his lips with mine and I remember thinking, oh god. Yes it is. It's definitely worth it. But the part that scares me the most is as soon as I let him take control, as soon as I decided it was worth the risk, he pulled away. With hate and disgust buried deep in his blue eyes he pushes me back and I wake up falling.
Now sitting on the edge of my bed I can hear the shower running from across the hall. What does the dream mean? It's obvious that I'm petrified of liking him, I don't need a nightmare to tell me that. But what does that mean action wise? Do I take a chance and tell him how I feel or keep up this platonic relationship we've subconsciously formed? I sigh frustratedly, hearing the water turn off. I start on my second shoe. It doesn't usually take me this long putting on my beat up Chucks but I'm a bit distracted today. My door swings open hastily and I look up startled. Troye's face is contorted in obvious distress.
"What is it?" I ask, standing up and giving him a worried look.
"I don't have any hair product!" He says, running a hand through his wet hair and giving me a look of desperation and fear. I laugh.
"Just use some of mine. I have like four different types of gel."
"No, you don't understand. I.." And then his lips start moving so quickly that I can't comprehend anything.
"Troye calm down. I didn't get a word you just said you're talking so fast." He takes a step closer and speaks slowly, but I don't pay attention to the words he says. Instead I realize something I should have when he walked in. He's naked, except for the towel that's hanging too low around his waist. A burning sensation fills my lower stomach as I stare at him and I feel sick. Is this what everyone calls lust? Because I would not mind him taking off that towel. He leans back and smiles nervously. Didn't he just strip to nothing in from of me yesterday? What's he so nervous about now?
"I'm going to call Sage and have her drop it off, if that's okay."
"Yeah," I say but I clear my throat and speak again, knowing that probably came out wrecked. "Yeah okay cool. Here." I hand him the clothes I had previously picked out for him and he takes them to the bathroom. I decide to go eat some food to distract myself from the uncomfortable tightness in my jeans. When I return to my room I find Troye fully dressed, his phone pressed to his ear. Right as I step into the threshold he hangs up, a blush covering his cheeks. Is he still embarrassed over the towel thing? He looks up at me.
"Sage said no." He sighs and I give him a sad smile.
"I'm sorry. Do you wanna try some of my hair stuff?" Troye shakes his head and throws his phone of my mattress lightly.
"No it's okay."
"I have a beanie, if you wanna try that."
"Yeah, that might work." I smile and walk around him to my dresser. I pull out my favorite gray beanie and toss it to him, probably more excited to see him in it then he is.
---
Troye jumps out of his seat indicating that first hour is now over and I sigh in relief. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed with the amount of times he's looked at me throughout this period. I should feel flattered, but instead I feel like if he looks at me enough he'll be able to see my feelings for him. We walk out of the door, saying our goodbyes and making plans for lunch.
I watch as he walks away, his hips swaying back in forth in a rhythmic pattern. This boy is just full of music. I turn on my heels and make my way to a bathroom, needing a place to sort out what I'm feeling. You know what I need? A pros and cons list. Yes I know how lame and nerdy of me, but before you go and judge my tactics just know that they work wonderfully. I set my bag down on the counter and watch myself for a second.
Pro, he makes me really happy.
Con, he makes me nervous and anxious anytime he's around.
Pro, he's helping me come out of my shell, not only with my hearing but my sexuality too.
Con, he distracts me from my school work and friends.
Pro, he's absolutely stunning and can make me melt with just a single touch.
Con, he makes feel all sorts of things I never knew I could.
And that's where my list stops. And I'm still confused and unsure. How can someone who makes you so incredibly happy make you so sad and flustered? I mean I should be singing from the roof tops and dancing in the rain. I was starting to get worried, with all of my friends having crushes and whatnot I was beginning to think I was incapable of human emotion. Troye showed me that that's not true under any circumstance.
I think the thing that scares me the most, is what it means to have feelings for someone. Being deaf has already put so many limitations on what I can control in my life and now not being able to control things like my thoughts and my emotions when Troye is around makes me uncomfortable and frustrated.
I find myself constantly in pain thinking about all the ways this could go wrong and how I'm not right for him and it's not healthy. What if Troye is not really gay and just kissed me out of pity? I mean, he acted normal and happy this morning but happiness is easy to fake. I don't know what's wrong with me. Last night was perfect, all of today has been perfect and yet my entire being is shaking with fear. And it's all Troye's fault. I can't have one thought that doesn't lead back to him. Anytime I'm alone I imagine what it'd be like with him there. He's making me feel things I've never felt before and it's ripping me apart slowly. Just kissing him isn't enough.
I need to know what his palm feels like when he's nervous, and how much butter he wants on his popcorn. I need know what his sweaters feel like against my bare skin, how the fabric will weigh down my shoulders. Without that, I'm nothing. And I know that sounds dramatic and very cliche but I honestly don't care. I want that, the cliche romance and the relationship I've only seen in books and movies. I can picture that with Troye. And that has me totally wrecked.
I place my hands in my hair and pull roughly. I need to stop thinking, i need to get away from Troye, I need- holy shit.
There's a light ringing in my ears, or what I think is a ringing. I stumble out of the bathroom, my backpack now hanging on my shoulder loosely. I pull out my phone and check the time, 5 minutes into second hour. The ringing increases slightly and I burst through the office doors. Mrs. Burr looks up at me and I try my best to smile. I know she's saying something but the ringing is distracting me from seeing what she's saying. It's not painful, just distracting. Since the accident happened I've heard nothing, not even in the slightest. And now I can hear real ringing. Am I relived or scared?
"I-I need to go home. N-now." I stutter out. Scared, definitely scared. Mrs. Burrs eyes widen as she hears my voice and I realize that nobody but Troye has heard me speak in four years. She nods her head rather aggressively and picks up the phone. I then sit in one of the office chairs for the next ten minutes with my head in my hands. The ringing hasn't stopped and is only getting more intense. I feel a tap on my shoulder and I look up to find my mother with a worried look on her face.
'What's wrong are you okay?' She signs and I nod, standing up and walking out the office towards the front door.
"I just need to get out of here." I say and she jogs to catch up. Once in the car she turns and looks at me.
'You're talking?' I just nod. I can't tell if she's happy or not, a blank expression on her delicate features.
"Yeah, Troye has been helping me." I say.
"Oh, that's...good." She then starts to drive. Once we're home I run up to my room and close the door. I'm surprised when my mom doesn't ask me why I needed to come home so urgently and I'm thankful for her not doing so. She doesn't need to know, especially if this is just a one time thing.
I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling, the ringing still here but not intensifying any more. What does this mean? Will I hear it forever? I kind of prefer it to the piercing silence I hear normally. I wonder if I can go to doctor or something without him contacting my parents. Then maybe I can get some answers and decide whether or not it's worth telling my family over.
My door swings open and I prepare myself for my mother's questions, only it's not my mother. Troye rushes towards me and gets on his knees at my bedside. He presses one hand to my forehead, leaning over me with a worried look.
"What happened? Are you okay?" He says and I laugh.
"I'm fine Troye, I just-" I stop myself and debate whether or not to tell him. I know he won't tell anyone if I ask him not to and I've told him everything else so why not? He catches on to what I'm thinking and stands up quickly, closing the door and returning to my side.
"You can tell me. "
"I know." I sit up and we sit in front of each other, crisscrossed legs and hands in our laps like second graders. "I...I'm starting to get this ringing." His eyes widen and he places a hand on my knee.
"When?"
"Earlier, after first hour I went to the restroom to...think." I say, realizing what I almost admitted to. Would it sound weird, telling him that I was thinking about my very intense feelings for him?
"About what?" I shoot him a dirty look.
"That's not the point here."
"Why can't you tell me? Do you not trust me?" My eyes widen as his narrow.
"Why are you freaking out?" I never knew Troye to be melodramatic.
"Because you leave school with no warning and I have to hear about it from one of our friends who was obviously informed before me-"
"What the hell are you talking about Troye? I don't have to ask your permission to go home."
"I didn't say you did, I would have just liked to know. And from you instead of Alfie!"
"Why are you acting like this?" I ask. What's his problem?! My head is pounding and something irregular is happening inside my head, and he still has the nerve to yell at me for wanting to come home?
"Because you scared me! You just disappeared out of nowhere and I'm left to figure out where the hell you went. You can't just leave me and not tell me why."
"Well why not? You're not my boyfriend!" I yell and his face hardens. Pure rage replaces his soft and caring look. He stands up abruptly and begins to pace, pulling at his hair aggressively. I sigh. "Troye?" He ignores me. "Troye." I demand, my patience running low. When he ignores me again I stand. "Troye!"
"What?!" He screeches after he faces me.
"Why are you acting like this? For the first time in four years I'm finally hearing something and you're being a total ass because I didn't warn you I was coming home early! I'm sorry but informing you wasn't the first thing on my mind Troye, I was wondering what the hell is going on inside my head." He looks at his shoes and bites his lip. I sit back down on my bed and hold my head in my hands. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't of freaked out." I feel the bed dip next to me and I look at the now red faced boy.
"No you're right. I'm being inconsiderate and I should be the one apologizing." He places his hand one top of mine and I smile.
"I do trust you." I say and he nods.
"I know. I guess I'm just scared." I give him a confused look.
"Why are you scared?" He doesn't look at me, instead focuses on my hand that he's now playing with. I have to crane my neck to read his lips when he speaks.
"Because...I think...I think I like you." My heart starts to beat fast and my breathing hitches. The only thing on my mind being one word. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
"Oh." I say, and I instantly regret it. Troye's eyes start to water and he nods. I could have replied better to that statement. "Why does that scare you?" I ask and he shudders.
"The last boy I liked turned out to be a total dick."
"Well I can promise you that I'm not. Or at least I like to think I'm not." I laugh and smiles slightly.
"The worst part is, it wasn't even his fault."
"What do you mean?" I ask, fear taking its toll on me. How can a boy being a jerk to my precious Troye not be his fault?
"I made him that way. I caused us both pain. Physical and emotional." He's crying now and I get on my knees in front of him, taking both of his hands.
"Can you tell me?" I can see the eternal battle going on inside his head, the gears turning and his walls crumbling. I know what he's about to tell me is very important and that scares me.
"I told him something that changed his outlook on me forever. I lost him over something I can't change about myself, something that I'm stuck with forever." I squeeze his hands and let my thoughts wonder. What could be so bad that you lose someone forever?
"Can I know what it is that you're stuck with?" I ask and he shakes his head aggressively.
"No. No way, I can't lose you too." He stands up and I do too. Before he can walk past me I grab a hold of his biceps.
"Wait! Don't leave. You're not going to lose me, I promise. Look at me." I say, using one hand to cup his cheek. "You have me, right here. Forever. " I say and I'm surprised when I mean the words wholeheartedly.
"Okay." He says, casting his gaze downwards. "I..." He starts and I can see the way it's tearing him apart. Tears are falling steadily and he's shaking so bad that I have to use all of my strength to hold him up. I don't move, just in case it scares him.
"Take your time." I say and he closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.
"I can djdk sjxjdns." He says quickly and I sigh.
"I didn't get that, you're going to have to speak slowly." I say, knowing he did it on purpose.
"I-I....I can read minds." He says and my heart drops. He's kidding right? This is some sort of joke to lighten the mood? He searches my face for a reaction and I let go of him.
"What?" He nods.
"Yeah...it started when I was twelve and I've had it ever since." I shake my head at him and look away, purposely ignoring the rest of his explanation. How is that even possible?! I suddenly remember the ringing in my ears, it getting so loud that I feel like my heads going to pop. I grab it and squeeze, trying to lessen the pain. It doesn't work. Tears stream down my face and I take a step backwards.
"I need some air." I say lamely before i stumble out of the room and the rest of the way out of the house.
My head is killing me. Troye can read minds. My vision is blurry and I can't feel my feet as they carry me down the sidewalk. Troye can read minds. I look around to see the streets empty as I turn the corner. Black spots start to invade my vision as I walk forward. Slowly my thoughts and the pain in my head become to much and I fall too the ground.
The boy I love can read minds.
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A/N
I haven't updated in forever and I know you all hate me. I'm sorry. I already have the outline for the next couple of chapters so don't worry, they'll be out quickly. Thanks for sticking around, if you did.
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