They say when someone you love dies, your first response is denial. That feeling when you know it's happened, but you don't really want to know it happened. You wish you had just a few more minutes to talk with the person. One more conversation, a huge heart to heart, and you'd feel better or maybe even content with losing them. But really, you will never be okay with losing them. I guess because it's not okay. It will never be okay, and the back of your mind is whispering this inevitable fact to you but you don't want to hear it because you're a normal person going through the normal stages of grief.
But I was never told I was normal. I was never told grief was okay. I was always exposed to loss, and I was always—for the lack of better words—okay with it. I was never angry or depressed. I never begged for the person to come back. I would just accept they were gone, and with a few days I'd be totally fine.
But this, this isn't like the deaths I've experienced. I can't not look at Beast's motionless body and hope he'll miraculously start breathing again, or he'll open his eyes and sit up and tell me that everything will be okay. I'm finding myself in a place where I've never wanted anything more than to have that one last conversation with Beast, or one more stupid heart to heart. I find myself denying his death.
I find myself wishing he was back. That's the wish. The answer to the question he asked us so long ago, the one he answered with his dying breath. If I could have one wish given to me before today, I would have considered a lot of things. I would have considered making John not a part of my life, or never seeing my mother fake her death. I could have wished for my brother to be more involved, or maybe having a strong father figure to always look up to. My wish could have gone to being normal. Maybe a more common ability, or maybe a more common world.
Any day before today, I would have wished for my past to be better. Any day before today I would have wished just how a naive little child would, but not anymore. Today I figured out how truly powerful a supernatural wish could be. I would wish for Beast to be alive. I would wish for his safety and for his well being. I would wish for Trish's parents to have survived, or Shawn's father to never change. That wish would be spent on stopping Raven. Exposing Mole and Xavier and the black mist. Hell, I would even use it to heal Flame and turn him back into someone who actually cares about his students.
But see, it's useless to fantasize about how life could be, because it won't change. That amazingly powerful wish just doesn't exist. Memories will never change. Reality will be just as cruel as it's made out to be. The future will never be known until it's lived.
We shouldn't really spend time thinking about the past or the future though. It's a waste of time. Some would say that you can learn from the past, or you can plan for the future, but all of that revolves around the present. It's because you live in the present. Everyone lives in the present. Your past self is gone, there's no way you can fix it. Your future self is unplanned and you can't form anything to truly structure it. All that matters is the present.
My present right now is watching the monster that killed my Beast laugh.
"We have to go now," Aspen says.
"We can't, there're troops lining the hallways outside waiting for Kian's signal to attack us. There's no use, we're trapped," Trish says. She looks down but she can't bare to look at Beast so she stands up. Shawn follows her as she walks a few feet away.
"We can fight," Jack suggests.
"That's how we got in this madness in the first place," Aspen argues. "We need someone to clear that path for us."
I watch as Kian looks at me with a sickening smile and slowly gets up from the floor. I feel my mother tense as she sees his eyes set on me.
"I think we have a better chance at taking on the mediocre troops outside," my mother says. We don't have to argue about it anymore though. Kian signals and the troops come swarming in. Jack ignites his hands and charges into the soldiers only to be knocked out after taking down two or three guys. Trish and Shawn are swarmed, but I only hear Trish screaming at the men to let go of her. Shawn's silent, like he knows there's no use fighting.
My father prepares to fight, but my mother calls his name once. I feel him relax and the men restrain him. My mother tightens her hug on me as they try and pry her from me. She protests, trying her best to stay with me, but they eventually pull her away. The troops are about to grab me but Kian halts them and motions them away. I grab Beast's hand and lace his fingers with mine. Kian wanders around me, "How does it feel? To have your lover ripped away from you?"
"Don't you dare touch her!" My mother shouts. I can tell she's trying to use that strange emotional power but she's either too weak or not moved emotionally enough to do so.
Kian kneels on the other side of Beast and says, "I really do hate that it had to be him." I make no hint of a retaliation to him. I don't want him to recognize the numbing pain I feel right now. "You know, I really hoped your response would have been getting all hurt and angry and I'd have to fight the crazy Zoey everyone knows exists but hasn't seen yet. Instead, you're a quiet griever. It's boring, don't you think? Just sitting there in the pain, staring at a lifeless corpse such as the one in front of you?" He laughs a bit, "Here I thought we were at the climax of this ultimate battle between us and you just go into reserved mode? That's not very considerate of you."
I keep my eyes like with Beast's closed ones. I tighten my grip on Beast's hand.
"You know, I had a lover once."
"Is that why you did this? Because you loved me?" my mother shouts from her place.
He smiles, "I fell for her when Aspen first introduced me. I suppose the only thing that kept her away was the fact that I was a few years younger."
"Or maybe because I was already in love, with my husband!"
"You have her eyes," Kian says, reaching out a hand to my cheek.
"Don't touch her!" my mother shouts again.
His ability doesn't chill me anymore. My heart went cold the moment Beast's did. His hand stops inches away from my face. I look up from Beast and stare into Kian's eyes. I don't care how much pain is inflicted on me, Kian's will be worse.
"Trying to look intimidating? I'll be honest, not a good look for you. Why can't you be like your mother when she was all cool in coming to save you? Does it only take one kill to break you Zoey? Are you that fragile?" He leaves my eyesight so my eyes fall back to Beast. I trace my free hand across his cheek, feeling a little bit of stubble, but nothing that can actually be seen. He still seems warm, or is that just me? "Let me tell you a story, Zoey. There once was this huge forest, where the trees were taller than the eye could see, and wider than a mile long. In this forest there was a great big bear that ruled the animals. He had many subjects, including a snake, bunny, fox, and a beetle. Are you familiar with this story?"
I say nothing.
He shrugs, "You should be, your little friend Clark is the one that told it to me. Now his version was a bit too..." he pauses to search for the word, "tame for me. Would you like to hear my revisions?"
"It doesn't need changing," Trish mumbles.
"Well let's have Zoey be the judge then. So one day this bear decides he wants to have a birthday party for himself. He makes the bunny go and fetch the best food the forest offers, even though the beetle tells him the bunny will make a bad judgment of taste. When the bear asks why, the beetle responds that the bunny does not see the world the way he does, therefore will not see sources of energy like the bear would. The bear then sent out the beetle to make up for the bunny's waste. How are you liking it so far?"
I stare at Beast, hoping he'll do something. Anything to indicate he's not dead.
"After the bunny and the beetle were sent out to do their biding, the bear goes into his den to rest before the party. This leaves the fox and snake outside. Now, the snake has been envious of the bear's power, and he knows he can rule as a stronger and better king, so he turns to the fox and purposes a plan to him."
"The fox didn't want to kill the bear, but the snake tricked him into doing so, we all know the story," Trish complains. "What are you trying to get at here?"
Kian smiles and says, "Yes, the snake tricks the fox and he gets the bear killed so he can be in power. Now he's able to make the bunny run errands, now he's able to tell the beetle to shut up, and he has a right-hand man just because no one else would want him. The fox."
"Why does this matter?" My mother asks. "What's your point?"
"My point is my interpretation of the story. I'm very fond of it's true meaning."
"There was no moral," Shawn says, "There was barely an ending to tell you a moral."
"The moral is that they all have roles," Kian says, ignoring Shawn's comment.
"What do you mean by roles?" Trish asks.
Kian turns to look at Trish and says, "This story is composed of positions that relate to this very situation in front of you. See," he starts his stroll over to my friends and family, but I don't bother to look up still. I only dare look at Beast. "the bunny, for example. It signifies the compound. Doing anything and everything for the people that push it around."
"Let me guess," Trish says, "You're the snake?"
"You catch on nicely," Kian says. "Yes, I'm the snake, the master behind the takeover. My pawn is the fox, otherwise known as Flame," he gestures to our old trainer leaning on the wall near the door. "The beetle, being the wise one that never gets to speak their wisdom because of the disrespect it deals with, is our dear motherly figure here, Jennifer Ram."
I don't have to see her to know that my mother is staring down Kian, fearless and immune to the insults he throws at her.
Shawn asks, "Then who's the bear in your analogy? Mr. X?"
"While that would make sense," Kian says, "you are wrong. My bear, the one I plan on killing in my takeover of becoming the master of all the pawns. The one that truly controls the compound, the one that has the trust of the beetle even when they do not listen to it, the one that is the most rewardable to take down. My bear is our sweet, broken, little Zoey."
"You will not kill my daughter," Aspen finally speaks up. "I don't care what you say, she will not die by your hands."
"Then why don't I try and kill you?" Kian stops in front of Aspen, but does not place a hand on him. I see Flame start move from the far wall and towards Kian's side. Once he passes me, I don't bother to look his way where all the commotion is. My focus is only on Beast.
Aspen asks in an amused voice, "I'm a Shadow, remember? Or has it just been too long for you to recall?"
"Don't underestimate my memory. I vividly recall when you worked by my side."
"You worked with him?" Jack asks incredulously. "Are you crazy?"
Kian laughs, "He didn't just work with me. I was his apprentice in the Raven Compound."
"It was a different time back then, with different perspectives, and different views of life. I have changed, and so have you," Aspen says, directly to Kian.
"I've changed for the better, while you've become an old man who's only desire is to get someone as pathetic as the freak over there to respect you. I didn't realize jealously was in your range of emotion," Kian replies.
"If she's as pathetic as you think she is, then why are you so bent on ruining her?"
Kian scoffs, "You know why."
"You aren't going to kill my daughter."
Kian replies with a deep laugh, "I will, and there's nothing you can do about it."
"How would you know?"
I jerk when I hear the sickening sound I don't want to recognize. I hear my mother shriek and I turn my head around and my heart drops.
My father grunts. I watch as he drops to his knees, a silver blade sticking out of his chest. I recognize it to be the one that ended Mole's life. The Raven members release him and he falls to the floor. Standing behind him is the person that was holding the knife, Flame.
"Aspen!" My mother shrieks. I hear her struggling with the soldiers holding her. Kian waves to them and they let her go. She rushes to my father, laying his head in her lap.
"Why did you do that? You didn't have to do that!" Trish shouts. Her voice is breaking too. Shawn is frozen in shock, my father was standing right beside him.
"So Zoey," Kian says looking back to me, "What are you going to do? Stay with your dead lover, or say goodbye to your father?"
I look back to Beast and say softly, "I'm sorry, but he needs me." I gently place his hand on his chest and stand. I rush past Kian and his demented smile and kneel next to my father. He's gasping for air as we make eye contact. "Zoey," he breathes.
"Stay with me," my mother says, "Aspen, please."
"My love," he reaches to place his hand on her cheek, "I'm afraid I can't."
My mother starts to cry harder, and I sit closer to her.
He manages to smile at me, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't have been there for you all this time. I'm so sorry..." he's breathing is short. He's bleeding out too rapidly, I can hear his heart frantically beating. "I'm...I'm s-so proud of you, Zoey." I open my mouth to say something, but my words refuse to escape my throat. "Don't blame him, Zoey. Flame is not your enemy." I watch the light leave my father's gray eyes. His head slouches to the left and he takes his last anguished breath. My mother lays her head on him, inconsolable.
"Will you talk to me now, Zoey?" Kian asks threateningly. "Or will I have to kill another one in order to break you?" I look up to Flame, who is standing above Aspen.
"You've already said you've broken her!" Trish says.
"You did this," I say, almost questioningly.
Trish continues her rant, "What more do you want from her?"
"It had to be done," Flame says softly.
"He didn't blame you. He knew you cared about me."
Kian laughs wickedly, "Well in all honesty I want her ability, but I can't have that, can I?"
"I'm sorry," Flame whispers, "I'm so sorry." The worst thing is, I know he's sincere.
"He was your father too."
"Now he's dead as well," Flame says. He drops the knife and walks away from my father.
I let out another ragged breath and Kian says, "His death could have been prevented if it hadn't been for you ignoring me, Zoey."
It's my fault.
There's a silence in the air. The only thing heard is my mother's sobs. Kian finally sighs, "Ignore me again, you'll know how this will end."
I look to him and shake my head.
"Come on, you can do better than that! A weak head shake after I just killed two of your most prized people?" He starts pacing. "You want to know what I want from you? I want pleasure. I want to know the death of my bear was long, and painful. I want you to feel the pain I fully intend for you to feel. I want you to drown in it, I want you to suffocate slowly. I want you to feel the anger that follows, like an restless spirit."
"What's she ever done to you to make you wish that upon her?" Shawn asks, in a voice barely audible.
Kian lets out a small sigh, "Because it's my nature."
The soldiers who were once holding my father now grab at my mother. "No, no, no! Don't take me from him, don't you dare!" She protest as they manage to rip her away.
Something shifts in me. It's not any emotion I've ever felt before. I clench my fists to try and hide it, but I see no color coming out that needs to be hidden. I feel the chill in the air move with Kian as he makes his way towards me. "Any last words, Zoey?"
"You're wrong," I hear myself say.
"About what?" Kian asks, finally seeming amused at my participation in the situation.
"You say I'm the bear. The one calling all the shots, clearly in charge. You say I'm the big bad scary one, that no one would dare bother to mess with. I'm the boss. I'm the leader. You're saying I'm all of these things, but you're wrong."
It's my fault he's dead. Both of them. It's my fault.
"Then please tell me, who are you? The snake?" He laughs. "You don't seem like a secretive manipulator. You call it how you see it, and by now your secrets have been out to the compound and many like this one. You are not a quiet force."
"I am not a loud force either," I respond. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault.
"Then what are you?" I stay silent, in my mournful guilt. I have to make it up to them, I have to save the ones still living. I have to so something.
It will always be my fault. My mother has lost her husband because of me. My friends have lost their older brother figure, because of me. Flame has done things he never wanted to do, because of me. Kian is orchestrating this entire fiasco, because of me.
"I should hurt someone else you care about. Maybe then I'll get the anger I want to see from you." I watch him walk the line of loved ones. "Who do you care about the most now? Is it your mother? Your friends?" he continues strolling past them then stops in front of Jack, "Maybe your secret lover?"
Jack's surprise fills the air. "I'm not her—"
"Oh stop, don't act like you don't see it. I bet all you're thinking about right now is that Beast is out of the way."
Jack tries to respond, but fails.
Kian laughs and looks back to me, "At least you won't feel guilty either." I feel the black mist take over him and I know Jack's a goner too. I look away, but suddenly hear Trish scream. I look back and see he's clamped his hands down onto Shawn's shoulders. He starts coughing and heaving as Kian starts to drain him.
Trish screams at him, "Stop it! Get away from him!" She struggles with the Ravens holding her back. Kian stares at me and I feel the pain flowing from Trish. Her tears stream from her face as we watch Shawn drop to the ground on his knees. It's my fault.
"Enough!" I shout. Kian pulls away from Shawn, leaving my friend just on the edge of life. He turns around to me and I still sit next to Aspen. "No more deaths. No more taking lives."
"You saved a friend and not your lover? A little, insignificant kid over your father? Maybe you didn't really love them after all." I clench my fists and I feel the invisible emotion heat my palms up. "I hate to ruin your moment, but there will be one more death, and that will be yours."
"You aren't going to kill my daughter," my mother says softly.
It's my fault.
"If I can't kill her I'll break her beyond mending."
I look down and I feel the emotion coursing through me. I glance at my palms but I see no color. My breathing quickens and I feel the energy within me. "You want to see me break? You want to see who I really am?" I find myself standing. "Your entire reasoning for turning my trainer against me, killing Beast and my father, and threatening my surviving friends, are just tactics to break me?" I start walking towards him. I look up and stare into his eyes and I see him smirk. "How immature." His smile fades. "All you've done is waste perfectly good time for draining other Omegas." I say slowly. "You've wasted your troops, your energy, your time, just to hurt what you thought was a bear."
"Then what are you?" Kian asks.
It's my—
No.
It wasn't my fault. I did not kill them. I couldn't have, I care too much about them to hurt them. If it was my fault then I wouldn't feel remorse and pain like this. If it was my fault then Flame wouldn't look so saddened by this. If it were my fault then Kian would have already won.
Kian. Who am I, you ask?
I am not a Shadow, but I am not an Omega. I am not human, but I am also not a freak. My power is rare, but a person like me isn't. My morals are longstanding, but they break easily. I am a person of innate ability, but I am also a person that does not act upon it. I am the abused, I am the broken, I am the hurt, and dammit I am the angry. How does one sum up all of these aspects of a person? People spend years, decades trying to find themselves. I know I'm going to be one of those people. But at the same time, I can look at Kian, smirk and say with the most confidence in my voice that I've ever had in my life, "I am a Ram."
With that, I charge at Kian with fury coursing through me that I've never felt before in my life, yet I like it. It wasn't my fault they died, but it will be when this bastard does.