FINALLY UPDATED!!! WOOHOO!! :) my friend has been bugging me all week to update, but I haven't been able to. I just finished the chapter this morning. :) there's a bit going on in this chapter and it does set it up for another one, so warning now: it's a cliffhanger.
So, without further ado,
CHAPTER 21:
Liam--
I walked off, away from Jill and Liz as i dialed Morgan's number. The phone rang once... twice... thr--
"Hello?" it was her voice. I was already on the edge, but at the sound of her voice, I broke down.
"Morgan?" I croaked.
"Liam? Its 6 in the morning. Are you okay? What's wrong?" she asked, worriedly.
"Can I come over? Please?" I asked, almost desperately.
"No, Liam. You aren't calm enough to drive. I'll come to you. Where are you?" she told me.
"I'm at the hospital. Can you meet me here? Please?" I practically begged. I was shaking so bad. I had to find somewhere to sit down or I was going to trip or fall to my knees. Morgan was right. I wasn't calm enough to walk right, how would I be able to drive? I found a seat next to a young couple. The girl was obviously pregnant, but she looked sick as well. Her skin was a grey-green color, like she was going to be puke. The boy took one look at her and went to grab a small trash bin. She grabbed onto it tightly and retched, as he held her hair and rubbed her back.
"I'll be there as soon as I can. Do you want me to stop for food first? I pass a Starbucks and a Tesco on the way to the hospital from my flat," Morgan's voice broke through my thoughts.
"If you want to," I told her, still shaking. "All of us are still here. I haven't seen Harry lately though. He ran out. But Liz is out of the hospital now."
"Wait, Liz is out? Then why is everyone still there?" she asked.
"That's what I have to talk to you about. It's why I called in the first place. I'll tell you when you get here," I told her.
"Okay," she agreed. "I'll be there in about 20 minutes. Will you be okay 'till then?"
"Yeah. I think I'm going to walk around for a few minutes. But I'll be out front by the time you get here," I said.
"Ok. I'll be there soon."
"Okay."
"And Liam?"
"Yeah?"
"It's going to be okay. Whatever it is."
"Thanks, Morgan. I'll see you in a few," I told her.
"See you."
We hung up.
I sighed and tried to relax, but I was still shaking. I can't believe Louis doesn't remember me, remember us! How can we go on as One Direction? We can't.
I didn't realize I was crying until the pregnant girl next to me asked if I was okay.
"Yeah," I hiccuped. "I'm fine."
"You don't look fine," she commented. "Not that you look bad, but you're not happy. And you ARE in a hospital. May I ask what happened?"
She seemed so nice, and the guy she was with didn't seem to mind her talking to me.
"I'd rather not talking about it," I mumbled.
"Oh. Okay. I'm sorry for whatever it is that's making you cry," she said.
"Thanks," I told her. "I have to go meet someone out front, so I have to go."
"Okay. I hope everything works out for you," she called after me as I stood and began to leave.
"For you, too," I said back.
I walked out of the waiting room and into the hallway, heading for the front doors of the hospital. Morgan was going to be here any minute. I quickly pulled out my phone and texted Niall that Morgan was on her way with food and that I was going to go to her house. He replied with an "ok" and told me that he would be down soon to grab the food.
I reached the doors and went to sit outside on one of the benches. The smell of the hospital was really getting to me and it was too warm inside. My elbows rested on my knees, my head in my hands. I sat like that for a while, just thinking, trying not to start crying again.
What would we do? What would the fans do? How would they react to this? We had saved so many of them. I see it all the time on twitter and in the fan-mail. They tell us how they had been on the brink of ending everything and they heard one of our songs, or that they were depressed and we helped them out of it. No matter what happens, we can't stop. For the fans. They are what made us One Direction in the first place. They made us what we are now.
I pulled my phone out again and opened twitter. I looked through a few of my mentions before pulling open a new tweet.
"I am so grateful for all of you. You Directioners are truly amazing."
Immediately, my mentions were going crazy, people asking me to follow them, telling me that they love me. It was good and all, but none of it made me any happier. One tweet stood out from all the rest:
"If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here. I promise not to tell anyone. But just in case, I'm a great listener"
I followed her and exited out of twitter. I didn't feel like talking right now, but, as she said, just in case. I'm glad some of our fans are willing to be there for us no matter what.
"Liam?"
I looked up, expecting Morgan, but found Niall, Jillian was with him.
"Oh, Li," he sounded sad and hurt. He sat down next to me and wrapped me in his arms.
"We have to believe that it's going to be okay. It will be."
"I know," I told him. "But I'm the one who usually fixes everything and I can't do anything. I can't help. There's nothing I can do to fix this."
"That's not true," a different voice spoke. Jillian came to sit on my other side. "You can not give up hope. You can try to help him remember."
"We will help you. All of us want this to work out, for Louis to get his memory back," Niall added.
"We can't be One Direction without him," he said. "So, it HAS to work out. It just has to."
"And it will. Hey, Liam," Morgan's voice broke into our conversation.
I jumped up, Niall's arms falling from around me, and hugged her.
"Hey, Niall? You want to grab the food?" she asked, handing the bags to him and hugging me back.
"I'm here, Li, it's gonna be okay," she whispered, holding me tight. I buried my face in her hair and just let it out. I started crying again.
She pulled me away, leading me somewhere. I didn't care where we went as long as I was with her, as long as I could let my feelings out. Morgan let me go after a while and practically pushed me into the passenger seat of her car. She buckled me up and went around to get in herself.
"Li. Talk to me. What happened?" she asked. We were just sitting in the car, as she hadn't started it yet.
"Lou-Louis. He told H-Harry that he was in l-love with him a-and Harry didn't answer right away so he thought that Harry didn't love him b-back, so he went to Tower Bridge a-and, he tried to jump, Morgan. But H-Harry got there just in time and saved him, but L-Louis hit his head hard against t-the concrete and h-he can't remember anything before XFactor b-bootcamp...," I couldn't keep going. She leaned over as much as she could in the car and held me.
"I'm going to take you to my flat. You can shower and take a nap and stuff and I'll be right there with you," she told me.
"You promise not to leave?" I asked, timidly.
"I don't promise, I swear."
I smiled a bit and agreed. She started the car and we drove to her flat, soft music playing in the background. I wasn't really listening to it, though. I was looking at the girl driving.
She was so beautiful and amazing. Not only did she come up to the hospital with me, but she held me when I was crying. I can't ever let her go. I had to make her mine somehow.
My mind was now completely off of Louis and what was going on at the hospital. It was now focused on thinking up scenarios and ideas on how to get Morgan to be my girlfriend.
A few of the things I came up with we're cheesy, a couple others were too simple. But simple was good right?
Then it hit me.
I think I know what I'm going to do.
Harry--
I woke up, still tired, my eyes crusted with dry tears. I hadn't been able to stop crying. I couldn't help it. Louis was my everything, the reason I kept going some days. It was him.
I had never told anyone this, but just before I auditioned for the XFactor, I wasn't doing too good. I was depressed and it wasn't looking like it was going to lighten up anytime soon. I auditioned, though, just for the chance, the hope that someone other than my family and friends liked my singing. And they did.
It still didn't help the depression, though. The only thing that had the power to help me was Louis. I met him in the bathroom during bootcamp and he was so nice and so funny. I almost immediately fell for him. I was scared though. I wasn't gay. Not, then, but I had these feelings towards a boy that I could not control.
Then, when we got put together in a group, I was so happy. I would be able to see this boy everyday whilst we were on the show. I tried to hide my feelings. I tried so hard. My mum was the first to notice. We were so close, my mum and I, that I wasn't surprised when she called that day and asked if I had a thing going on with the older boy. She said she would accept me no matter what I chose. I told her about what I was feeling towards Louis, and that I was scared that he could never love me back. She assured me that my feelings were reciprocated, but when nothing happened, I started to feel sad again. I resorted to girls and partying. I met Grimmy, and things got a bit better. I told him about Louis and he was okay with it. He was my go-to guy when I needed to talk. None of the other boys knew, or would know, what I felt. I wasn't planning on saying anything and Grimmy had promised he wouldn't.
Every time I looked into those beautiful blue eyes, I got lost. My heart skipped a beat and my breathing hitched. Butterflies flittered in my stomach and I had an urge to do something I had never done before.
That's what started the tattoos. And it just got worse. The more tattoos I got, the more I thought about Louis and the more I wanted to get more. It was a horrible cycle. The latest one was, in fact, the "butterfly in my stomach". It had Louis' name inside it. Hidden for only the tattoo artist and I to see. He was the butterflies I got in my tummy.
I couldn't live without him.
And I wasn't going to.
I stood and made my way to the hospital room he was in, walking passed nurses, other patients, and visitors.
I had to see him, had to let him know how I feel.
When I reached the door, though, I froze. Louis was in the bed, Zayn above him. Their lips were locked. Liz had walked in a second before I arrived and she was slowly making her way to the two boys.
My heart snapped into pieces.
Liz said something and Zayn looked up, guiltily. They talked for a minute. She got loud a few times before Louis said something.
She walked out, Zayn following after her and I struggled with myself to decide whether or not to go inside to see him. I eventually made a choice and walked in.
"Louis?" I croaked. His head snapped up and his eyes locked with mine.
"Harry?" my breathing stopped.
"You remember?" I asked, hopeful. Please. Oh, please god, give me something I wish for this once.
"Not exactly, but I remember who you are. You're name and your face, but not anything else," he said, looking sad. "I'm sorry. I know I should remember you, especially you, but instead I remember Zayn. Or, old Zayn. I guess what I remember of him is from three years ago. How bizarre is that? But you. I remember your face like I saw it yesterday. Not changed, like Zayn." He laughed a bit. "Tell me, Harry. Is it true?"
"Is what true?" I asked, confused.
"That you love me. The doctor said some things about before I hit my head. He said you had confessed your love to me. Is it true?"
I could only nod, a blush rising up on my cheeks.
"I thought so because if you didn't, why am I feeling like this?"
His question confused me.
"What do you mean?"
He sighed before answering, as if he had to collect his thoughts.
"I feel like a girl, honestly. I remember talking to my sister, Fizzy, about what it was like to be in love with someone. She said that you had to feel different around that person. Comfortable, but that person still made your heart skip a beat and your breathing stop for a few moments. This person gave you butterflies in your stomach and there were fireworks when you kissed. I didn't believe this, of course, she was only 10 when she told me these things. But I think I believe it now. Because I feel all that and more just looking at you, Harry. I don't know you, but I want to. And I want to know why I feel this way."
My heart swelled and I felt like I could skip around the world throwing rose petals everywhere, shouting in joy.
I couldn't help but ruin it.
"But you were kissing Zayn..."
"Zayn was a kind of test. I wanted to see if what I was feeling for you was because of you, or because I can't remember. I didn't feel anything when I kissed Zayn. And I feel horrible about it now, because I didn't know he had a girlfriend."
"Oh" was my oh so intelligent answer. That was when it started getting awkward.
"Yeah," he mumbled.
We sat there, or stood in my case, in silence until he broke it.
"What did you come in here for?" he asked, curiously, not in a way that made it seem like he didn't want me there.
"I-uhh..." I hesitated, but then shrugged figuring 'what the hell' he had told me his feelings, not just once, but twice, So I would tell him mine.
And I did. I told him everything I was thinking about earlier. All about the depression and the audition and the tattoos, everything. The only thing I didn't come out and say was that I loved him.
"Do you really mean all of that?" he asked, quietly, when I was done.
"Of course I mean it, Lou. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be alive. It had gotten so bad by the time that I met you, that I was scared all the time. I was afraid that the next time I saw a pair of scissors or a steak knife that I would end it right there. I had started hiding out in my room. My mum was scared, too. So, she dragged me out to audition. And I'm so glad she did. Because I met you," I smiled at him at the end, but tears were starting to form in my eyes. He looked like he was about to cry, too.
"I'm glad she made you go, too," he said, attempting a smile.
"But if I didn't, I wouldn't have met you and you wouldn't have gotten hurt," I told him, sadly. A single tear started to roll down my face.
"No. Don't think like that, Harry. It's not your fault. It was mine. I was the one who jumped," he tried to deny my logic.
"But why did you jump, Lou? It was because of me. Because I couldn't say what I wanted to, what I needed to. I'm a coward," I whispered. I was getting mad at myself. I could feel the black haze coming back to haunt me, to envelop me into its horrible darkness. My depression was back.
I couldn't stay in the room any longer. I turned and ran out, ignoring Louis' calls for me to return. I had to get away, to do something. But what? Not anything I would regret later, that would only make me feel worse. I left the hospital, still running, and headed to the nearest bar.
Didn't this help? When things went so bad that you couldn't think anymore? Didn't drinking help take away the pain, if only for a while?
I went in and looked around a bit before going to sit at the counter. It was more like a club, than a bar. People were dancing and getting drunk and a few looked stoned. I looked to the floor and let my forehead touch the counter-top.
"Can I get you something?" the rough, gravelly voice of the bartender asked. I nodded once.
"Your strongest," I told him.
"Alrighty then," he mumbled and began to fill a shot glass with something that looked like water.
"Are you sure this is your strongest?" I asked him.
"Positive," he replied, rubbing his hands on a dish towel that rested on his shoulder. "That, there, is EverClear, the strongest alcohol you will ever drink. One shot and you will be doing things you haven't done before, even if you were drunk."
I shrugged and downed the shot. Almost immediately, the effects hit me. The shot had gone down pretty easy, almost like the water it resembled, but it sure as hell had a punch. I stood, and headed for the dance floor.
"Hey, baby girl," I cooed to a very pretty girl that was dancing with her friend. "Wanna get out of here?" I was swaying, now.
"Uhh.... Not really," she said, slowly. I was disappointed.
"Awww, but why not?" I asked, now the room felt like it was spinning, but not in a 'I'm-going-to-be-sick' way, but a 'wow-this-is-awesome' kind of way.
"I, uhh, actually don't bat for your team," she said. I was confused.
"Come on, babe, let's get out of here," the girl who I thought her friend said, and the two left.
"Well, denied by a lesbian...," I said to myself. "That's one thing I can cross off my bucket list."
I turned and left the bar, drunk off my ass and feeling rather dejected.
Instead of going back to the hospital, I headed to a hotel, it was around 7 in the morning anyway. Hmm... what bar opens at 7 in the morning and is full of people? And on a Tuesday?
I left the questions unanswered as I paid for a room and crashed on the bed.
My last conscious thought was:
"Man, that EverClear is some heavy stuff."
Soon, I was surrounded by my dreams.
Zayn--
"Liz, please," I called, running after her. "Can we please talk?"
She ignored me, and continued walking away from me.
"Liz! Please?" I begged, grabbing lightly onto her arm.
She stilled.
"Don't touch me, Zayn. Just... Stop. I don't want to talk right now. Let me find Jillian," she said, icily, eyes cold.
"I-I just.... Liz, I- I'm sorry. I really am. He did--" I was cut off.
"I said I don't want to talk about it right now," she glared.
This was the first time she had ever been truly mad at me. We would joke around sometimes if one of us didn't kiss the other, or if we had just had a tickle fight, but we were never really mad.
I didn't know what to do.
"Okay," I whispered.
She started hobbling again on her crutches. I just stood there, watching as the love of my life left me. She turned a corner and was gone.
My heart broke and I fell to my knees, forehead hitting the floor. I couldn't breathe.
"Sir?"
I was sobbing, silently, tears streaming down my face.
"Sir? Are you okay sir?"
A nurse pulled me up.
"Sir? Can you hear me?"
I couldn't look at her, there was only one face that I wanted to see, one mouth that I wanted to kiss, one body that I wanted to hold against mine. This girl wasn't her. She wasn't Liz. She was just a nurse.
"Sir? Please, say something!"
"I... Can't," I choked out. "You can't help me."
"What are you talking about, sir?"
"I'm not sick, but I am dying."
"Sir!?"
"Of a broken heart."
I stood, shaking the nurse off of me and walking away, one hand clutched to my chest.
Why did it hurt so bad?
I glanced at the entrance doors for a moment, only a moment, but that gave me enough time to see the couple that was coming in.
They were an older couple. The woman had dark salt-and-pepper hair and brown eyes that could have been beautiful once. The man, a few inches taller than the woman, had blue eyes and hair that was as grey as a stormy sky.
Liz's parents had finally showed up.
"Oh, shit," I mumbled and started running.
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