Gerard was so tired of this hospital: the white walls that hurt his eyes, the strange smell which was a combination of bleach and some shitty air freshener, the fake reassuring smiles, the sight of Frank lying against stark white sheets that made him look even sicker than he was, Gerard hated every second of it, but unfortunately, there was no escaping it.
Frank was still alive - thank fuck, but he wasn't recovering, he wasn't getting any better, not that he was ever supposed to, but Gerard couldn't stop hoping that their next visit would yield an unexpected result, and he would hear the doctor exclaim in surprise when he found that Frank's tumor had miraculously shrunken away to nothing, but of course that hadn't happened.
The tumor hadn't moved Frank's brain though - not yet anyway, and that 'yet' was what was killing Gerard, because they had dodged the bullet this time, but one day soon, there would be no avoiding it, and it would rip through their perfect life together, bringing agony and eternal loneliness in its wake, the shrapnel spiraling outwards in a never ending wave of ruination that was sure to bring Gerard to his knees with the force of it, if not to his grave.
They had escaped this time though, Frank's pain being brought on by a large amount of fluid surrounding the tumor, which the doctor had managed to successfully drain away, but Frank's time was fading fast, and Gerard had been advised to leave Frank in the hospital until the end, whenever that was, so they could keep him doped up on morphine and whatever else they had pumping through his IV, but Gerard didn't want Frank's last days to be spent here, not unless that's what he wanted.
Gerard was truly at a loss for what to do now, this recent episode making reality hit home harder than ever before. Each time Gerard thought he had accepted Frank's condition, he found himself proven wrong, and he was really getting tired of all of this, the ups and downs, the highs and lows - it was too much, and Gerard wished he could just pick a side and stick with it, but that obviously wasn't going to happen.
Whenever he closed his eyes, Gerard saw Frank's small form wracked with pain, his hands clutching at his head weakly as he cried for Gerard to make it stop, and Gerard wanted it to, but only death would end this for Frank, and fuck - that just wasn't fair at all.
He didn't have long now, and Gerard knew that, even before the doctor had informed him that they would be lucky if Frank lived a few more weeks, and although that was a much wider time frame than he had originally been given, it wasn't enough, it would never be enough, and even though the last thing Gerard wanted was for Frank to suffer, he couldn't lose him either - not yet.
At least Frank wasn't hurting at the moment, well - Gerard prayed that he wasn't, the drugs in his system had knocked him out cold, and he had been sleeping peacefully for quite some time now. Gerard's gaze hadn't moved from his chest, timing the rise and fall of his breaths to make sure that he didn't slip away while Gerard was caught unaware.
"Gee..." Mikey's voice seemed to come from a great distance, and honestly, Gerard had almost forgotten his brother was in the room with him, he had been so lost in his own little world of pity and sorrow that everything else had slipped his mind.
"Hmm?" Gerard hummed noncommittally, not sure if he was up to speaking just yet, in case the tears he had been holding at bay for the past few hours finally broke free of the fragile barrier he had erected around his emotions.
"Are you okay?" Mikey asked after a long pause, during which he was presumably searching for something to say to fill the awkward silence, something to cheer Gerard up, something to make this better, even though there was nothing he could do about that at this point.
Gerard felt guilty for dragging Mikey into this, even though it wasn't his fault, or Frank's, but still, Gerard could sense how uncomfortable his younger brother was here, back in this hospital which both of them had hoped to never visit again, back where memories of Elena hung in the air like silent ghosts of days past, days neither of them wanted to remember, but now they were both forced to relive them, as well as add to them.
Mikey had been thrown into this headfirst, learning all of the gritty details about Frank's condition without Gerard having to explain them, which was a weight off of Gerard's chest in a way, but it also hurt so fucking much when he watched Mikey's face fall as the doctor delivered the grim news.
Gerard wanted Mikey to know what was happening, but he also wanted to protect him from all of this, because he didn't need to watch his friend die, not after having to go through the same thing with Elena, but it was too late for that now, and Mikey was irrevocably tied up in Frank's fate.
"I'm fine," Gerard mumbled, which was the biggest lie in the world, and Mikey knew that as well.
Gerard was anything but fine, he was fucked, seconds away from breaking apart into a million pieces that he would never be able to meld back together into a functioning human being, and only the fact that Frank was still alive, and that he would most likely wake up soon kept Gerard from dissolving into hysterics at the moment.
"Bullshit...because I feel like crap right now, so I can't even imagine how you feel," Mikey huffed out, crossing and uncrossing his lanky legs nervously, trying to get comfortable in the stiff hospital chair.
"Okay - fine, I feel like crap too, but I'm okay, at least for now," Gerard shrugged, his gaze never leaving Frank's slumbering form.
"I'm sorry..." Mikey whispered softly, and the utter desolation in his tone actually caused Gerard to shoot him a worried look, because as much as he didn't want to take his eyes away from Frank, Mikey needed his attention too right now.
"Why - because he's dying? It's not your fault, and it's not anything you need to apologize for."
"No...well yes, but that's not what I meant. I'm sorry for visiting you with no warning, I'm sorry for making him come out, I'm sorry because I feel like...if I hadn't come, Frank would still be fine, or at least better off than he is now," Mikey choked out, unshed tears swimming behind his bespectacled eyes.
"Mikes - hey...look at me," Gerard smiled, trying his best to hide his pain to comfort his baby brother. "None of this was your fault, and his headache would have happened either way, whether we were at home, or out with you. Frank is ecstatic that you are here, and he wouldn't want you doing this...so don't blame yourself, please?"
"I know, I'm sorry - I'm just being stupid...I just - I didn't realize how bad Frank was, and I guess...I don't know. I don't want him to die Gee...I - I -" Mikey was trembling now, trying his hardest to hold back the sobs that Gerard could see shaking his frame with the urge to be released.
"It's okay Mikey, you can cry - fuck knows I did, and have, so you can let go - okay?" And that was all it took for the floodgates to open, and within seconds, tears began pouring down Mikey's face in a never ending torrent, and soon enough, Gerard's joined as well, his arms wrapping around his younger brother as they wept over the unfairness of life, and the soon to be loss of the amazing person that was Frank Iero.
Gerard had no idea how long they stayed like that, embracing each other as they released the sorrow that had been threating to choke them, but when it was over, and their tears began to ebb, Gerard actually felt lighter for once, some of the ever present tension had been eroded away by his sobs, not to mention Mikey's presence, and for once, Gerard didn't feel so alone, or helpless, even though nothing had changed, but sharing this moment with Mikey had made this entire situation a bit easier to bear.
"God - I'm sorry Gee, you shouldn't be comforting me, if anything, it should be the other way around," Mikey sniffled, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket as he pulled away from Gerard's hold reluctantly.
"You are my baby brother, I'm always going to be there for you, and just you being here is helping more than you know," Gerard chuckled weakly, retreating back to his own chair once he had hidden the evidence of his tears.
"I should have been here sooner, I should have called earlier, but at least I am getting some time with you both before...well - yeah," Mikey trailed off abruptly, seemingly unwilling to voice the truth, and Gerard shared his reluctance.
"It's my fault, I should have told you the second I found out, but I couldn't - it was too hard, and the way it finally came out was shitty, and I know I've been a terrible brother lately, but thank you for forgiving me without me even having to ask."
"That's my job, and I don't blame you, I couldn't even imagine how I would react if Pete was dying, and we haven't been dating for half as long as you and Frank - so I understand, but Gee...did you...you know - hurt yourself last night?" Mikey asked quietly, and even though Gerard knew this question was coming, he still flinched violently, his fingers clutching at the edge of his long sleeved shirt to make sure his bandaged arms were hidden, and that was all the answer Mikey needed, but Gerard owed him more than that.
"I - I did...Frank was sick, well sicker - he had a fever, and I panicked, I don't know why, but I felt so alone, and I didn't know what to do. I shouldn't have hung up on you, fuck - I probably shouldn't have even called you, but thank you for waking Frank up. He stopped me before it went too far - fuck, he was pissed too, we haven't fought like that in ages, but we are better now, and I'm better, so thanks again, for everything."
"Stop thanking me, seriously - I want to help you, hell - I want to do so much more than what I can right now. I miss living with you, I miss being a room away whenever you needed me, so it means a hell of a lot that you still called me, even if I didn't do enough, but I'm going to try harder, I promise," Mikey smiled, a weak, painful smile, but it was a smile nonetheless, and Gerard found himself returning the expression.
"Okay, let's tone down on the sappy shit, I've cried enough for one day," Gerard laughed, lacing his hand with Frank's still one absentmindedly as Mikey chuckled along with him.
"Yeah - you're right, so - what do we do now?" Mikey asked, peering around the room as if something exciting would pop out and present itself for their entertainment.
"We wait for Frank to wake up, and then we go home, and we enjoy whatever time we have left with him," Gerard shrugged, trying not to dwell on how little time that would probably be.
"Okay, well I need coffee, you want one?" Mikey offered, standing quickly before stretching out his aching muscles that had come about by too much time sitting in the crappy excuse for a chair the hospital provided for visitors.
"Ugh...I guess, but I'm warning you, the coffee here got even shitter since the last time we were tried it." Gerard shuddered in an over-exaggerated manner, but seriously, hospital coffee was fucking disgusting.
"No way - I thought that was impossible?"
"Unfortunately not, but it is caffeine, so if you are getting one, I'll choke it down," Gerard called out after Mikey's retreating figure, because vile or not, Gerard could really use some energy right now.
"Okay, I'll try and see if I can convince them to make a fresh pot." Mikey waved before exiting the room, closing the door behind him gently, leaving Gerard alone with Frank once again.
---------------------------------------------
When Frank awoke, the first thing he noticed was the lack of pain, and he sighed in relief when he wasn't met by a splitting headache, because he really didn't think he could take that agony again anytime soon.
This last occurrence had been the worst that Frank had ever experienced, even more terrible than the one he had gone through at his father's house, the one that had actually caused him to black out, because at least that headache had ended in peaceful oblivion, but this recent one never seemed to stop, each jolt of the car and soft sound intensifying his agony, and really - Frank had thought that was it, and he was dying.
He truly hadn't expected to wake up, and he had made sure his last words to Gerard before the medicine dragged him under were 'I love you', and even though they had been wracked with agony and barely more than a whisper, Frank had to say it, Gerard had to know, because Frank would always love Gerard, even in death.
Saying goodbye to Gerard had hurt more than the fiery pain that had been assaulting his body, because even though Frank had been prepared for his death, or at least, he thought he was, it had felt as if he was physically ripping his own heart out of his chest, his fingers digging into the bleeding organ as he choked out what might be the last sentence he ever uttered to the love of his life.
But Frank wasn't dead, he knew that for a fact, even though he had yet to open his eyes. He could smell the hospital room around him, he could touch the scratchy sheets against his bare arms, but most importantly, he could feel Gerard's soft hand in his, his thumb stroking lightly over Frank's knuckle in an absentminded gesture that Frank adored.
Frank would have to tell Gerard how much he liked this soft sensation, because it wasn't something he had ever voiced aloud before - there was no reason to, but now there was, even though it was a pointless thing, Frank wanted to tell Gerard every minute detail that he had kept secreted away, he wanted Gerard to know how much every little gesture he did meant to him before it would be too late to utter those words.
"Frankie...you awake?" Gerard's voice reached Frank's ears, pulling him out of the semi-conscious daze he had been in, making him want to open his eyes and drink in the sight of his beautiful boyfriend for as long as he had left.
But when Frank's eyelids fluttered upward, it was as if they were still closed; his vision was blurry and dark, and he could barely make out Gerard's face, even though it couldn't be more than a foot away from him.
Frank's breathing immediately quickened, panic setting in as he tried to open his eyes wider, but nothing happened, he couldn't fucking see - just shapes, shadowy figures, not the details he wanted to observe.
"Frankie...hey sugar, what's wrong?" Gerard's worried face swam into better focus as he leaned closer to Frank, rubbing a warm hand across his cheek gently in a comforting gesture.
"Gee, what happened...I - I can't see, I - oh..." Frank sighed, because now that he thought about it, and the sleep that was clouding his brain began slowly ebbing away, Frank realized what was happening.
His condition was getting worse, and his diminishing eyesight was just another symptom of that, another milestone to his death, and even though Frank had thought he was ready for this, he really wasn't.
Frank was so scared - fucking terrified actually, and he was hit with the irrational urge to run, run away until he couldn't run anymore, and maybe if he ran fast enough, he could outpace all of this: the fear, the blindness, his death, but that was just stupid, and Frank knew there was no escaping this.
"Oh baby...come here," Gerard sighed, pushing Frank over slightly so he could climb into bed with him, his presence instantly calming Frank down.
"Where's Mikey?" Frank asked, his fucked up eyes trying to pick out the other Way brother in the room, but he couldn't see much past the edge of his bed.
"He's on the other bed, little fucker fell asleep after downing a whole cup of coffee," Gerard chuckled softly.
"I'm not surprised, if he is anything like you, he's probably immune to the stuff by now," Frank laughed along, trying to bury his fears in pointless conversation, even though he knew Gerard would see through his bullshit in two seconds flat, and he wasn't proven wrong.
"How bad is it?" Gerard mumbled against his shoulder, his arms wrapping around him in a loose embrace that had Frank feeling trapped, but in a good way, as if Gerard was enveloping him completely, protecting him from all the terrible things that were currently assaulting Frank.
"I - I can see you right now, but anything past a foot or two is dark."
"Oh love...it's gonna be okay, the doctor said it might come and go, so it could clear up soon - your swelling is still going down after all," Gerard assured Frank, his voice positive and airy, even though Frank could hear the suppressed fear in it.
"It's okay, at least I'm not totally blind, not yet," Frank shrugged, trying to play it off like it was no big deal, even though it really was.
"I'm just happy you are here - I was so scared," Gerard whispered, his hold tightening around Frank's waist as he spoke.
"I know...I was scared too, I thought that was it for me," Frank admitted, and even though he and Gerard usually avoided talking about his death in such blatant terms, it felt sort of good to be having this conversation without Gerard freaking out on him.
"The doctor said you don't have long...he wants you to stay here - in hospice..."
"What - no, I want to go home with you, I need you Gee..." Frank exclaimed, and now it was his turn to grab onto Gerard tightly, his fists clutching at Gerard's shirt as if he could keep him here with his hold alone.
"Frankie - I would never leave you, they would have to pry me out of this hospital to make that happen, and I wouldn't let them do that, but it's more for you sugar. That way, when you are in pain, they could give you medicine straight away, instead of you having to wait while I drive you to the hospital," Gerard explained, but Frank was already shaking his head no vehemently, wincing slightly when a phantom ache traveled down his spinal cord.
"No Gee, please...I don't want drugs, or this place, I want our house, our bed, I want you...don't make me stay here," Frank begged, tears forming in his eyes as he imagined spending his last few weeks in this dreary place.
"It's okay baby, I won't, it's up to you. If you want, I can take you home right now as soon as we check you out," Gerard soothed him, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek when he was done speaking.
"Yes please," Frank smiled, because even though he might be acting like a stubborn idiot, he knew he wouldn't enjoy anything if he was trapped here, with doctors and nurses checking on him every few hours, with the constant poking and prodding, with the grim reminder of everything bearing down on him constantly.
All he needed was Gerard: his touch, his words, his kisses - that was better than any medicine, and Frank was convinced that half of the reason he had survived so long was because he had Gerard to live for, so he would take his chances at home, because he was happy there, and safe, and loved, and in the end, that was all he needed to keep fighting this.
Okay, I think this story is finally almost over, maybe five chapters left at most. I need to stop myself before this turns into a completely different book from the first one.
And for the first time in awhile, I am actually pretty proud of this. I have been hating everything I write lately (which is why I haven't updated anything) but yeah, I like how this turned out.
So because it is so close to the end, I will probably be updating this more than my other books...maybe, idk I just need to finish something so I have less on my plate haha.
This chapter is dedicated to ChocolatePotatoChips for actually reading this and commenting on it, because I am really working hard on this, and the fact that you are enjoying it means a lot.
See you guys soon, or not, I never know with my brain anymore.
((((good vibes))))
<3 starr