In my selfishness, I could only have been described as being rude to Mack on that peculiar car ride home. If I hadn't been so vainly preoccupied with my pity party, I would have been ashamed of myself but Kieran, as usual, was so much on my mind I was both the jailer and the prisoner of my own thoughts.
Those sad indigo eyes pained me. Though unexpected, I mourned the missing mischief and accepted the apology they had offered. I couldn't be mad, this was a part of the man I was choosing but that didn't mean I couldn't worry. It was irrational though - this was the world that had been Kieran's game for centuries and he was well practised in playing it. Still, it was this profound anxiety that caused me to stare blindly out of the window, past the rolling hills of Fife and made me ignorant of the talkative Indigo sitting beside me.
After a while Mack became wise to my ignorance as his voice, once a background noise, faded into nothing. While at first it had been my ambition to create a good impression, it was now a priority I'd all but forgotten. Maybe Mack would understand and see in my disregard for him a longing for someone he cared for too.
One could only hope...
As the Land Rover pulled up in front of my flat I remained oblivious. The conflict of whether or not to steal away in Kieran's mind consumed me, so much so that Mack and I may have sat there for hours and I wouldn't have known any better.
Eventually, Mack gave my shoulder a gentle, cool and sincere squeeze. I blinked, finally seeing through the beginnings of another rain storm the lights of the tenement building. My brow furrowed as I turned to face Mack.
I realised with a suddenness that almost winded me that I had never really taken Mack in. He really was the stereotypical burly, ginger Scotsman - you wouldn't have believed it was possible but here he was.
His kind indigo eyes drank me in and I felt every bit as small as I was in comparison to his rolling muscles.
"I see yaer worried lass but it'll dae yae no good." He took his hand from my shoulder and scratched his scruff. "Kieran is'nae so weak as he appears tae be, he's taken on mountains. Fear will destroy whitever hope yaer relationship has 'nd yaer bigger than that - a' can tell," Mack said. I blushed, only just considering how easy I was to read but grateful for Mack - still akin to a stranger - and his words of assurance.
"Thanks Mack, I...I appreciate that." My hand lingered on the door handle. I bit my lip searching the floor for a moment and then set my sights once more on the great giant beside me. "You'll look after him for me, won't you?" I swallowed, aware it was a ridiculous as it sounded. Mack chuckled, bring his hands to rest on the steering wheel.
"Nae bother Chris. Yae just take care o' yerself. Alright?" Even though there was something goofy about his broad grin, in it I could not mistake Mack's sincerity.
"I will." I propped the door open and grimaced as a spattering of rain greeted me. "Thank you for the ride home. Sorry I wasn't more sociable," I said, jumping down from the seat.
"Och no worries, as Kieran's probably told you, I talk a lot of bollocks anyways." I couldn't help the smile that pulled at my face as I closed the car door. It probably said a lot for my character that such brashness was enough to brighten my mood.
Mack saluted as he revved the engine and pulled away from the pavement. I waved as he sped down the road and off towards his master who lay in wait of him. Though illogical, I couldn't help for a moment wondering what I wouldn't have given to have objected to every Indigo's wish for me and followed where they went. It was with this thought in mind that I retired from the rain and up the stairs to the flat.
My musing were brought to a close as I encountered the front door ajar, as though awaiting me. I walked across the threshold, hoping that I might make a run for my room before finding out the cause for the open door. Cautiously, I closed the front door and locked it.
The still of the flat allowed me to believe everyone had gone to bed and I might be spared if the odd floorboard creaked. Jackson had probably forgotten to properly close the door and it was nothing more than a coincidence. I settled on this theory as I stole across the wooden floorboards.
I smirked to myself, a burst of relief washing through me as my bedroom door became so close I could reach out my hand and touch it. My fingertips brushed the cool metal and with premature hope I turned the handle.
"Christine."
Bollocks.
I knocked my head on the door. What had I done to deserve whatever was coming to me? My stomach twisted in bitter anticipation. Sighing, I relinquished the door handle and turned on my heel to confront my maker.
I might as well get the dramatics over with.
Mum was sewing a button back onto Jackson's dress trousers, squinting in the dull kitchen light. A cup of coffee filled the room with a warm, aromatic fragrance that was almost welcoming. If I hadn't have known any better, I might have been convinced that the Vanessa Evans before me was the picture of a perfect mother.
"So how did it go?" she began. To say I was suspicious was an understatement.
"It was great. His family are lovely people," I replied, skirting the room and pulling myself up to sit on the kitchen counter. This wasn't going to be just a passing conversation.
"Well Kieran seems like a lovely boy; although I must say I do miss Tom." She cut her thread and placed down the trousers. From her expression, you would have thought she'd performed brain surgery. "I just don't know, Kieran has something of a coldness about him."
I massaged my eyes and tried to compose myself. I shouldn't have expected any less, although it hurt that my mother was aware of the Tom situation and yet, saw fit to still slap my in the face with it.
"Well nevermind, I can't say Kieran isn't a handsome boy. You could do so much worse Christine."
I was definitely too tired for this.
"Now as your mother I feel it's my responsibility to make sure you're being safe. Don't think I don't know what it's like to be seventeen." Mum snorted, cradling her coffee in her hand whilst I tried not to lose my temper. "Are you two taking precautions because we don't want you making the same mistake I did, do we?"
How could she say it so casually, as though she didn't understand the intensity of the pain her words caused me? I had had ten years worth of understanding what I was to her but it didn't mean every time she said it, it didn't cut a little deeper. I understood her resentment but wished I had had some claim in deserving it.
"What makes you think Kieran and I are even thinking about that?" I curled my hands around the counter top, aware I wasn't being as tolerant as I would have liked to have been. But with "mistake" being enforced upon me as my identity I felt justified in my lack of decorum.
"Keep your voice down Christine, Jackson is in bed," Mum snapped. I flinched at the abruptness of her defence.
"Oh yes the little angel is in his bed, he can do no wrong because he isn't the mistake!" I yelled, my trembling restraining me from getting to my feet. Mum put down her coffee and exhaled as though my insolence was causing her repository difficulty on top of every other ailment my existence brought her.
"Do not bring Jackson into this Christine. I asked you a simple question and all I want is a simple answer," Mum pressed, folding her hands. It was as if she believed she had earned the right by birthing me to know about me.
"No, no I won't bring Jackson into this, what would be the point in that?" I sneered, containing my fury enough to get down from the counter and retreat to the door. My mother began saying something but I wasn't for listening. No, I was going to shut her down before she could further wound me.
"You know Mum, you and I aren't so different. We are both cold and unfeeling more than is healthy but I'll tell you one thing, on one account we are world's apart." I brought my fingers into a shaky fist and regarded my mother over my shoulder. "At least I know when to keep my legs shut."
No more needed to be said. The dark and merciless part of me hoped that as I slammed the door I had managed to pour equal measures of salt in my mothers wounds as she had poured in mine. Another part pinned me to the door and brimmed my eyes with tears.
A mother and daughter should not be so broken and still here we were after seventeen years, neither of us willing to patch things up as easily as she had sewn the button on her golden child's trousers.
I closed my eyes and placed my palms against the door. In a moment the conflict of pain and regret would subside and I would be free to go about my night in numbness.
"Chris?"
Or so I had thought.
Jackson inspected me from his doorway across the hall, a sinister silhouette against the light from his bedroom. We had been here so many times before but he'd grown an inch or two since the last time. His hair was growing mousier, his frame stockier and his crooked grin was starting to suit him.
"What Jackson?" I muttered. It was difficult not to note in that moment another similarity between my mother and I; I held loving Jackson to ransom for a mistake he did not purposefully commit against me.
Jackson's perfectly blue eyes looked past the door to where Mum may have still been sitting, licking her wounds. They lingered a moment and then he acknowledged me once more.
"Are you OK?" I eyed him.
We didn't share in conversation often, I preferred it that way but the earnest expression on his face made me question myself. I had never doubted Jackson had known of my disinterest in him but could it have been that when I hadn't been looking he had realised why?
"No I'm not but don't worry about it, just go back to sleep." I smiled weakly at him, trying to appear as nonchalant as always. For a moment, I thought he might argue which would have been one of the greatest surprises of the evening.
"Night Jackson," I said hastily, ensuring that even if he had something to say I wouldn't give him the opportunity. Pushing off of the kitchen door, I went into my room and shut the door behind me. Everyone was better off staying away from me.
As I paced away from the closed door I brought my clasped hands to my chest and bit my lip. I would have given anything to be allowed just one more minute on that candlelit platform with Kieran where nothing else had existed.
When was I going to be allowed my moment to be normal? Surely there was to be grace for me in the midst of it all.
I changed into my jammies and tied my hair up out of my face, all but ready to bid adieu to the world by falling asleep. It was a consolation I would happily have taken but just as I was pulling back my duvet there was a knock at the door.
If there was some Almighty watching over me he would give me a break and allow the late night caller not to be my mother.
"Come in," I mumbled, half expecting to be told to collect my things and go. Somewhat fortunately (as it was raining outside), it was Jackson who popped his head through the door.
"Sorry Chris I-" he began before I cut him short.
"It's alright you can come in," I said. This was an unexpected surprise to say the least so I was almost motivated to be nice to figure out my half brother's intentions. As it turned out, Jackson was as wary as I was as he shut the door and made his way to my bed side. He considered the chair by my desk for a moment and then the floor before deciding the end of my bed was suitable enough.
"Can I help you with something?" I asked. Jackson bit his lip, daring to remind me of myself.
"Were you and mum arguing about me again?"
"Not initially but you have a funny way of worming your way into an argument that usually has nothing to do with you in the first place." It was almost painful how true that was.
"Why is it that?" he retorted in more of a challenge than a question. I stared at him, unsure of where he was taking this.
"It's complicated," I concluded.
"Try me," Jackson replied. He crossed his arms and assessed me defiantly. What had happened so suddenly for this to become even a thing between Jackson and me? I leaned back against the headboard and looked up at the ceiling. Maybe, to appease my own curiosity, I would humour my half brother by giving him what he wanted.
"Well if you really want to know...it's Mum's fault really, as mean as that sounds to you." Jackson studied me as though I was telling him something he already knew. To say I was taken aback was an understatement. "Let's just say Mum was a little more easy going back when she met my dad than she is now."
Jackson had all but asked for story time with Christine so he was damn well getting it. I knew for a fact no one had ever told him this story, he had been kept blissfully unaware. As far as Jackson was concerned I had been delivered by a stork.
I didn't know why it was that way, it had been something decided long before I had had an opinion on the matter. Perhaps I should have been considerate of my mothers wishes but Jackson was almost thirteen and no longer the immature child...apparently.
"Mum was barmaid, back when she was about my age and my dad just happened to stroll in one night, with a business partner if I remember rightly. He was smart and exotic and funny, not to mention good looking and well...you know what Mum can be like." Although innocent and seemingly unobservant, Jackson had no trouble in snorting in agreement on this matter.
"At first Mum planned to get him drunk but apparently he didn't need much persuading. They had their fun and the next morning Mum woke up and he was gone." That was really all there was to the story I'd been given as my own personal fairytale as a child. At seventeen, it occurred to me I had been short changed in my fairytale - there had been no love or happily ever after to the story that's conclusion was me.
"Shouldn't you be angry at your dad, Julien right?" Jackson questioned. It was a fair enough assumption but it had taken two to tango and there had been no promise of commitment from either my father or mother.
"He loves me despite of everything Jackson, unlike Mum. I can't say I agree with what they did eighteen years ago but I can't judge them for it. Besides, at the time Mum wasn't unaware of who my father was." I tried to recall what Jackson knew of our peculiar parental circumstances. "You know my dad was originally from France, right?" Jackson nodded. "He was only over here on a short business trip. It wasn't as if he could forget everything he'd worked for, for a woman who'd only wanted a good time. He wasn't to know Mum was pregnant with me, how could he? She hadn't made any declaration of love or told him she wanted him to stay. Mum just can't accept the fact that this is as much her fault as anyone else," I argued.
"Why doesn't Mum ever talk about Julien?" Jackson continued. I sighed, filling my hands with the softness of my duvet.
"She hasn't ever forgiven him for getting into the accident and leaving her to give up her dreams to raise me." I replied. "As far as Mum is concerned, Jackson, she is the only person who has had to live with the consequences of the mistake she and my father made." I focused solely on Jackson then, making him aware that what I was about to say was more than I ever knew I would be willing to say.
"You want to know why Mum and I always end up arguing about you?" Jackson paled but nodded all the same. "Because whenever she looks at you or talks about you it reminds me that I am not you and never will be. I can never be good enough for her Jackson."
"But-"
"No!" I snapped, closing my eyes and firmly clasping to my covers. "No Jackson, there is no but. Do you think I haven't spent most of my life searching in vain for that but? Jeez, is it any wonder I tried to kill myself when from the moment I was born my life has been a giant accident that not even my own mother has ever convinced me of otherwise."
Jackson was stunned, caught in the intensity of my glare. I exhaled, releasing my fist once again and realising I was suddenly extraordinarily tired.
"Look Jackson, I don't want you to look at Mum any differently. For what it's worth she couldn't have been a better mother to you so she doesn't deserve your disdain. And to be completely honest you'd make my life a hell of lot easier if you said nothing about this."
This was where I would learn if my half brother could really be trusted or not.
"OK, I won't say anything." He got to his feet in some glorious sign that the conversation was over. But as I watched him I saw a flickering hesitation that I couldn't help but query.
"Jackson, was there something else you wanted to talk about?" I frowned, calculating his every movement and uncertain sideways glance.
"I didn't want to worry you about it but it doesn't feel right not to say anything at all, it was why I stayed up until you got home after all."
I couldn't for the life of me figure out what could possibly have led him to my room in the middle of the night. I was somewhat convinced he was concerned for the lack of relationship between Mum and I but even then...it had been rather inconceivable. Now, there was a more reasonable explanation forming and I was hungry for it.
"And?" I prompted. Jackson swallowed, peering at his glistening palms.
"I ran into someone today-"
"Right?" I interrupted, cutting him off faster than was necessary. Jackson swallowed again and his brows came together as he concentrated.
"Well I was at the park with my friends, playing football...you know the usual and he just happened to walk by." Jackson wiped his sweating palms on his pyjama trousers and avoided eye contact completely. If I wasn't mistaken, my palms were sweating too in some sort of bizarre anticipation. "I mean I went over to say hello and ask how he was doing. He looked so sad but determined, like he was going to die if he didn't do something. I don't know...he was just acting weird I guess," Jackson recalled, now staring at his feet.
"Jackson who on Earth are you talking about?"
A small part of me was sure I already knew but not quickly enough to prepare me for the ache confirmation was going to bring.
"It was Tom."
Why did my heart hurt at the sound of his name?
"Did you ask him why he wasn't answering my calls, why he's ignoring me?" I asked shakily.
"Well yeah, I mean I've seen you checking your phone often enough and leaving him voice mails." Jackson shrugged. "But when I asked him about it he didn't answer me, he just promised he'd come and see you soon."
"Soon? Did he say when soon was?" My mouth had gone dry and my heart was pounding but not in the way it did for Kieran, this was a very different kind of longing.
"No because his phone began ringing and once he'd answered it he said goodbye and hurried off," Jackson explained.
Now I had something to go on.
"At least I know he's alive," I mumbled, slouching down beneath the blankets.
Almost as though he had been physically relieved of his burden, Jackson slumped and attempted a smile.
"Well I feel better for knowing that you know. I might actually be able to get to sleep." Jackson didn't concern himself with the troubled frown on my face, too satisfied within himself and eager for the sleep he was missing. He made tracks for the door, pausing as he approached it. He angled himself once more to face me and was all of a sudden sincere again. "Try not to let it worry you Chris, I'm sure everything will turn out alright in the end...it always does."
If only the Golden Child knew.
"Goodnight Jackson," I murmured, bundling myself in blankets and ignoring my half brother's exit.
What did this mean? Tom must have been aware of my insistent calls and messages and still he was biding his time until it suited him?
Grabbing my pillow I screamed a telling tune until I could scream no more.
What was it with the men in my life who thought it right to pull at my skirts as they pleased?
"Arses!"
As though answering to one of his many names, I felt the summoning on Indigo Boy beginning to entice me into slumber. I had not expected it or rather wanted it while I tried to process Tom's imminent arrival.
What was more, Kieran had been taken from me on urgent business and I wasn't a fool to think it would be over. But it seemed the Master of the Indigos was insistent and I had no choice but to give into him.
"Fine then Indigo Boy, have it your way."
I then submitted to the wanton call of the creature they called Indigo
"You're never usually so hesitant," Kieran noted as the haze cleared and there was only him and me in the world of white. He slouched against something that wasn't there at all and was grimacing at me. His bright, indigo eyed flashed with curiosity and mischief though I could not mistake the restlessness in them.
"I like your outfit by the way," he continued, hungry eyes tracing my scantily clad form. Insecure about the situation in more ways then one, I wrapped my arms around myself and inspected him. This was not the time to bring up Tom.
"You shouldn't be doing this; you and I both know that," I lectured. The deviousness in his face faltered a moment while he recalled his reality beyond our world.
"Please don't. I need a moment for me, please." His need was so obvious and I couldn't defend myself against it. How could I do anything but go to him and hold him close where he might feel safe and sound for a moment? My every sense was fulfilled by him and it was glorious.
"I'm sorry for running out on you," he whispered. "You have to know if things were different-"
"But they aren't and I understand that. You don't need to apologise." My head rested on his chest and I felt his heartbeat beneath his shirt. All was calm and right and I would have given anything for it to stay that way.
"It's not fair on you, Chris," he argued. "I want this relationship to be as normal as possible for the both of us." His words caressed my cheek and oh how I wanted to believe in them.
"We've already talked about this. Do I have to repeat myself?" My voice was broken against his ear. His head came to rest on my shoulder. I could feel how tense he was; his shoulders in knots. I bit my lip, trying to restrain the urges willing my hands to explore him.
"No but Chris why must you torment yourself with me? I can't offer you anything." Despite his head being laid on my shoulder I was still not close enough to him.
"I've chosen to be with you Kieran and that's all that matters. Please, can we just enjoy this moment while we have it." My lips hovered by his neck, the taste of him tempting my mouth closer. The buckles in his back relaxed as his arms fastened tighter around me and I felt elated to know just being in his embrace could comfort him so.
"That's what I tell myself every time I sacrifice another piece of my sanity to my job." His words touched me, reminding me that though seemingly insignificant, I was able to offer him something. "I wish I could live for you Chris but I am a slave to what I am and I can't change it. All I can do is try to be the best of whatever self this destiny allows." He pushed me away so I couldn't mistake the intensity of his indigo eyes.
"I love you."
What could I say? I licked my lips and tried to form the same words in return but I was too overcome to try. After all, the fog that always seemed to linger in my dreams billowed around our feet, ankles and knees as it told me it was time to go. Time in our world and the real one never could agree with one another
"I'll have to wake up soon," I breathed. Kieran wasn't taken aback by my response, only saddened perhaps. Still, he took my hand and kissed my fingertips.
"I know but I need one last thing before I go back to work." His eyes captivated my gaze as he drew me closer. Kieran's arms circled the small of my back and I forgot about waking and Tom and every other important thing I should have said. I was swept away in the moment as Kieran brought his cool lips to my own.
But before I could savour the moment, steal more than just a single kiss I was pulled from the white world. In a fit of choking and heaving pants I was awake, Kieran was gone and I was absolutely soaking wet.
*~*~*~*
For all those with dirty minds...don't even...
Two updates in one weekend? Too much to handle?
Yes indeed, "Humble" has been updated and you can check it out here...go on give Feste a little love:
https://www.wattpad.com/149628542-humble-fourteen
I leave the USA a week on Tuesday after a wonderful but hectic summer. And although I wish I could tell you things are going to calm down I can't. I'll tell you a little more about that when I know a little more...I wish I could tell you it was a publishing contract but don't be daft...one can dream...
Anyhow please tell me what you thought of the chapter. Jackson hasn't had much of a part in the story so tell me what you think of his role in this chapter! I love engaging with you guys so please don't hesitate to let me know your thoughts!
Much love,
Bekah x