SEVEN
"You okay now, Seven?"
My eyes stung so badly I couldn't open them anymore. It was humiliating... crying like this in front of Nat and Lyonelle. I had never broken down in front of anyone before. They were probably shocked, but I knew they already had a sense of why I was falling apart.
No one else could make me cry like this. Only one person ever could.
"We broke up," I said quietly, confirming what they had in mind. I couldn't see their faces, but I could imagine their confusion. "It's my fault... Alia didn't do anything wrong."
Lyonelle gently tapped my shoulder. "Hey... what happened?"
"Maybe I'm just too much," I whispered, trying to hold back more tears.
Maybe I loved her too much. Or maybe I just never really knew how to love at all. You're not supposed to hurt someone you love, right? You're not supposed to make them feel small. You're not supposed to make things harder for them.
But I did all of that. I got it all wrong.
"Bakit? Paano mo naman 'yan nasabi?" tanong ni Nat. Both of them were quietly waiting for me to open up, but I didn't know how. I didn't know how to explain things without revealing the truth—that Alia's mom had stolen from my family, that she had loans, and that Alia had been bullied at their reunion party.
"Things just happened," I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. "She told me I was making things harder for her... so I'll stay away. Maybe it's for the best that we broke up."
I was trying to find something good in what had happened. Just anything. Because if I didn't, I felt like I'd go crazy from the pain.
I needed to believe that the breakup was what Alia needed most. That it was what was best for her. I never needed to be by her side to love her. Even before, I was happy just watching from afar—until she lost her smile. That was when I stepped closer. Back then, I only wanted to bring that smile back.
And if distance is what she needs now, then so be it. I can do this. Nothing has changed. I'm just going back to how it used to be before I approached her.
"When you're ready to talk about it... We're just here, alright?" Lyonelle told me while I was getting up to go home. I already cried my heart out. That was enough for me.
"Seven... Kaya mo ba? Dito ka na kaya matulog sa condo ko?" offer ni Nat.
"I'll be okay." I gave them a faint smile before stepping out of the unit.
The moment I got into the car, I just sat there—staring into nothing—for a solid ten minutes.
Just forget it, Seven. What else can you do?
Maybe if I stop talking about it, I'll forget. Maybe if I push it far enough to the back of my mind, it won't creep up at random times. Yeah... I just need to stay busy.
But the moment I got home, every emotion I'd tried to bury came crashing back. My whole body felt heavy.
"Seven... can we talk?" Mom's voice came from the living room. She must've been waiting for me. Kiel told me Alia visited while I was out. That was also when I found out that she had already told everyone we'd broken up... while I was still holding on, still thinking of ways to fix things.
Her first instinct was to let go. Mine was to hold on. Maybe I was just too much for her. Maybe I simply loved her more than she ever loved me.
"I'm tired, Mom. Not today." I didn't even look at her as I walked.
"Seven... what happened with Alia isn't something we can just brush aside-"
"Mom." I stopped in my tracks and turned to face her, my expression blank. "Can we not talk about her?"
I didn't want to be reminded. The more I thought of her, the more I felt the urge to beg her to come back.
And I needed to stop myself from going down that path again.
Mom didn't bring her up after that. The next day, I forced myself back into the routine I had before Alia came into my life. I woke up at five for a morning jog, then came home to shower. After that, I cleaned. I started organizing every inch of the house. I was so desperate to stay busy.
I emptied all the kitchen cabinets, reorganizing everything and tossing out anything broken or useless, including that small blender we hadn't used in years. Pati mga utensils at plato ay nilabas ko para ipag-pair lahat. The kitchen was a mess when Dad woke up.
"Seven..." He sounded concerned while looking around the kitchen. Everything was a mess. "Ako na diyan..."
"No," I said while wiping the utensils. I did not even give him a glance.
"Nasaan ang mga itatapon? Ilalabas ko na." He offered to help but I shook my head.
"I can do this alone."
He didn't know whether to insist or quietly back away. I could tell he was worried, but he didn't want to push me any further. He understood why I was doing this. And honestly, this was nothing compared to what I could've turned to. At least I wasn't falling into bad habits like smoking or drinking just to cope.
"Uh... breakfast..." He looked like he was about to ask me to clear some space so he could start cooking, but instead, he just stared at the mess in silence and pulled out his phone."O-order ako! Ano'ng gusto mo, Seven? Order tayo roon sa favorite bakery mo. Actually, magda-drive na lang ako."
"Anything," maikling sabi ko habang abala pa ring naglilinis.
He just gave me a smile before leaving. Nabawasan naman kahit papaano ang mga kalat nang bumalik na si Dad galing sa bakery. Natigilan ako nang baliktarin niya ang paper bag at bumagsak lahat ng tinapay na binili niya.
"Seven! Binili ko lahat ng favorite mo!" masayang sabi niya. "Kain ka na muna."
"I'm not hungry yet. I had protein shake," sabi ko at yumuko para ibalik sa cabinet iyong ibang mga plato. As soon as I stood up, I was caught off guard! There was suddenly a piece of bread in my mouth. Dad laughed and ruffled my hair. He had just shoved it in without warning! I had no choice but to take a bite.
"Sarap 'di ba? Ano'ng gusto mong lunch mamaya? Lutuan kita. Uuwi ako galing trabaho bago mag-twelve, promise!" Sumandal siya malapit sa may lababo. Muntik pang mahulog iyong ibang mga plato kaya nilipat ko 'yon.
"I'm okay. I have class." I wasn't really in the mood to talk, but Dad just kept on talking to me. Wala ba siyang trabaho? He should already be getting ready for work. "Dad, you've got fifteen minutes for breakfast, thirty to get ready, and five to walk around the house looking for everything you forgot. That is, if you actually want to be on time."
"Shit!" Nagmadali siyang kumuha ng tinapay at tumakbo paakyat. Napailing na lang ako at iniwan ang ginagawa ko para kuhanin ang safety shoes niya sa laundry. Nilapag ko 'yon malapit sa pinto at kinuha ko na rin iyong mga folder na naiwan niya sa dining kahapon. Pati iyong susi ng sasakyan niya at ang relo niya ay kinuha ko na rin. Pinagsama-sama ko na lahat sa iisang table.
Pagkatapos ay bumalik na ako sa pag-aayos ng utensils. Mayamaya, bumaba na si Dad, fresh from the shower. He was already wearing his work attire.
"Seven-" I cut him off by pointing at the table where I put all of his stuff. "Thank you! Labyu! Alis na 'ko!" he shouted before getting all his stuff, including the shoes.
Mom was probably going to sleep in since she didn't wake up early. Inayos ko na lahat sa kusina, hindi pa rin sila gising ni Kiel. I had class during the afternoon so I had to leave after fixing everything in the kitchen. Pag-uwi ko, iyong kwarto naman ni Kiel ang aayusin ko. That room probably had so much stuff that I could throw away.
"Seven, ano ba! Sa bench ka nga muna!" galit na sigaw ni Coach.
Fuck.
I sighed heavily and sat down on the bench, my sweat streaming down my face. Pinunasan ko ang sarili ko gamit ang towel habang hinahabol ang hininga ko. I messed up during the practice game. I wasn't myself at all.
My serve didn't even make it across the court. I couldn't receive the ball either, and my spike went out. On top of that, my frustration got the best of me, which only made my performance worse.
Coach talked to me after the practice game. "Ano b'ang nangyari, Seven?"
"Nothing... Sorry, Coach. I'll perform better."
It was an empty promise because I still messed up the next day. Not as badly as before, but still... on a normal day, I wouldn't be making those kinds of mistakes. Fuck. Everything was just so frustrating, and I had no idea how to let it all out.
"It's fine," I whispered to myself while I was inside the car. Kanina pa ako nasa garage. I had to condition myself to act normal before stepping inside the house.
The family had already finished dinner by the time I got home. I had texted Mom earlier, letting her know I'd be late so they could eat without me. I was on my way up to my room when something caught my eye.
I sighed heavily, then I set my bag down and headed to the sink to start washing the dishes.
"Oh, Seven! You're here- Hey! You didn't have to do that. Kiel was about to do it after showering!"
I didn't say a word. I just kept washing the dishes they'd left in the sink. When Mom saw my face, she fell silent. She stared at me for a few seconds, long enough to make me uncomfortable, so I finally looked up at her.
"Why?" I asked quietly.
"Let me do it."
She gently took my hands and placed them under the running water, rinsing off the soap. Then she dried them with a towel, her touch so careful, like she was handling something fragile.
"I'll wash the dishes," she offered.
"I can do it," I said, pulling back and reaching for the sponge again.
"Seven," she sighed, squeezing my hands. "Just... rest."
I shook my head and went back to scrubbing. I still didn't say anything. She didn't know what to do anymore, so she just sat there, silently watching me.
When I finished, I dried the dishes with a clean cloth. Mom was still there, still watching.
I ignored her and grabbed my bag, heading straight to my room. After closing the door, I stepped into the shower and let the cold water run over me as I stared blankly into space. All I could feel was pain... and emptiness. It was like there was a hole in my chest. There was something missing, a void I couldn't fill no matter how hard I tried.
It's just too soon. It will get better.
"Seven, okay ka lang ba talaga? Malapit na ang Nationals. Kailangan na natin mag-focus." Sean already talked to me as the captain. He really had no other choice because I was still messing up during training. I just wasn't in good shape.
"I'm fine. Sorry," I told him while staring at the floor.
But that day, I had to sit for a longer duration inside my car. "Fucking hell..." I whispered, getting frustrated. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" The Nationals was already around the corner. I couldn't afford to make mistakes!
Dumb fucking mistakes. Lately, it felt like I couldn't get anything right. I used to love volleyball so much... but now, it's just starting to wear me down. I want to do better, I really do, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to. And it's so fucking frustrating.
I stepped inside the house, and the weight on my shoulders felt even heavier. I let out a deep sigh as my eyes scanned the room. So many things were out of place.
Ang gulo.
"Fuck..." I whispered, covering my face. Nahulog na ang bag mula sa balikat ko pero ramdam ko pa rin ang bigat.
"Kuya! Hindi gumagana 'yong keyboard-"
"Throw it away, then. I'm too tired for this shit," I hissed.
My eyes widened the moment I realized what I had just said. I turned to Kiel, who looked just as stunned by my tone. Then, I saw tears welling in his eyes, his lips trembling. A sharp pain shot through my chest as I took in his reaction.
"Kiel, I'm-" But he was already gone. He ran upstairs and locked himself in his room. "Shit..." Binagsak ko ang sarili ko sa sofa at tumingala habang nakatakip sa mukha ko.
It's fine. Everything will be okay. Everything will fall back into place soon enough.
I just stood up again and cleaned the house. Binalik ko sa mga lagayan nila iyong mga nakakalat na mga gamit. It wasn't enough to distract myself from my frustrations, so I had to clean the bathroom, too. I threw away all the empty bottles and replaced all the rugs.
I couldn't sleep well that night because Kiel never opened his door again. The next morning, he went to school early. Pumasok ako sa kwarto niya para ayusin ang keyboard niya. I felt so sad when I saw that he used his very old keyboard instead. He just gave up on fixing the new keyboard.
I took the keyboard with me. Ipapaayos ko na lang sa mall. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Why couldn't I? I used to pick things up quickly. I can't believe I had to ask for help to fix my brother's keyboard. I used to do that stuff by myself.
"Seven, huwag ka munang um-attend ng training. Magpahinga ka muna." I couldn't believe Coach had to say that to me. "Halatang hindi ka makapag-focus. Naaapektuhan din ang laro ng iba."
I wanted to defend myself, but he was right. I just gave him a small smile and nodded. "Alright, Coach..." I was making things hard for everyone, too, huh? It was my fault.
"Why couldn't I fix my own problem?" I tried to stop my tears from falling while gripping the steering wheel. I looked at my phone and ignored all the messages again from my friends. I just knew what they would ask, and I wasn't ready to talk about it... or her. Ngayon na nga lang ulit siya pumasok sa isip ko. My method was working. Hindi ko na siya inaalala.
But how long can I keep this up? I'm already getting tired... Do I really have to do this every single day just to stop myself from thinking about her? Constantly looking for distractions? Barely sleeping at night, forcing myself to wake up early just to stick to some routine?
All of it... just to pretend I've got it together?
Because the truth is, I don't. I'm still confused. Still frustrated. And honestly... I'm just so tired of feeling like this.
"I'm home..." I muttered as I dropped my bag and rubbed my temples at the sight of the mess in the kitchen. Mom had probably cooked something. I glanced at the living room. There was a pillow on the floor, some folders and jewelry scattered across the coffee table, and a blanket tossed carelessly over the sofa.
Nilapag ko ang keyboard ni Kiel sa may gilid. I wanted to fix everything, but my feet wouldn't move. It was like I was being pulled down to the floor.
"Seven!" Mom just took a shower. "Oh... Sorry, nag-shower lang ako. I was about to clean after-"
"I'm moving out."
She froze and gave me a surprised look. Then, her expression shifted from surprise to fear... then worry.
"I'm tired. I'm so tired." I covered my face, not wanting her to see how close I was to breaking. I didn't want to see her expression, either. "I'm tired of trying to fix everything. I couldn't even fix my relationship. I can't fix myself. I can't fix my performance. Everything just feels so fucking wrong. Everything."
"Seven..."
"I'm tired, Mom!" My voice cracked. "I don't want to come home after a long, exhausting day just to be the one fixing everything here too! I'm sorry, okay? I know I've been a bad son—for selling the things you bought me just to help Alia, for defending her mother, even for covering the millions she owed. I know you wanted to talk about it, but you don't have to. I already know I messed up. Shit... Everything feels so wrong... and I'm just tired of feeling this way."
She took a step forward. "Seven, I know why you did those things. I'm not saying they were right... but they came from your instinct to help, to fix things for others. That's on us. We raised you to be that way. To always step in and do everything you could to solve other people's problems... So, instead of feeling bad, just blame us, okay? I don't like seeing you like-"
"And what will that do, Mom? If I blame you, what then?" Tears started to pool in my eyes. My vision was getting blurry. "I'll just feel more guilty. It won't make anything better. So I blame myself all the time. Because it was my decision. You didn't force me. I wasn't trapped. I chose to do those things. So it's my fault. It's all my fault. Fuck... everything is my fault..." I felt more pain in my chest. Everything just hurts.
"No, no... Seven... Listen to me. It's not your fault. We should have been there to guide you while making those decisions-"
"Mom, I want to be alone." I let out a heavy sigh. I couldn't listen anymore. She was trying to soften everything again, wrap it in kind words like it would make the pain disappear. It wouldn't.
And deep down, I knew she was always afraid. Afraid to say the wrong thing, to push too hard... because she didn't want me to walk away. She didn't want me to leave the house.
"But Seven... you're not in the right state to be left alone. I-"
"Mom, please! I won't be here forever and you know that! Your own trauma is already affecting me. Can't you see it?!"
Her lips parted in shock when I brought it up... but I had to say it. She needed to come back to her senses. I just wanted to move out. I wanted to be on my own. I was exhausted... and I needed her to let me go.
"You can't stop anyone from dying. It's going to happen sooner or later. So please... at least let me live my life without being confined to this house. Can't you do that for me?" My eyes were already begging her. She bit her lower lip to try and stop herself from crying. She wanted to appear strong in front of me.
I knew it. I knew this conversation would come up again. What we talked about before wasn't enough. I had only scratched the surface. There was still so much I needed to let out.
"Seven... You're right."
She looked away, quickly wiping a tear from her cheek like she didn't want me to see it. Ah... I don't like seeing her cry.
"You're right... I'm sorry. I just... I love you. You're still my baby..." Hindi na niya napigilan ang iyak niya. "It's not just because of my trauma. It's because you're my first baby. And I couldn't accept that I can't hold you in my arms anymore... that you don't need me like you used to. That you don't come looking for me when things fall apart or when bad things happen. I know it's selfish. I knew this was always going to happen eventually. But this is how I feel, as your mother. I'm not saying you should stay... I just want you to understand why I've been holding on so tightly."
"I'll still come to you when bad things happen, Mom. I will look for you when things get too heavy... but right now, I just don't want to talk about it. Not yet." I pulled her into a hug, holding her close before gently letting go and gathering my things.
I planned to leave as soon as possible, but I wanted to apologize to Kiel before leaving. Kumatok ako sa kwarto niya noong umaga para ibigay ang keyboard niya na napagawa ko na.
When he opened the door, he couldn't look at me. A small smile formed on my lips before handing him the keyboard.
"I got it fixed..." I started. "I'm sorry, Kiel... I'm really sorry. Just know that I am always willing to fix everything for you... but I was just tired that day and-"
"Sa prisinto ka na magpaliwanag," he joked, getting the keyboard out of my hand.
"Hey, I mean it... I'm moving out today... so I wanted to apologize before leaving."
"Okay lang 'yon, 'ya." Tinapik niya ang balikat ko. "Naiintindihan naman kita. Hindi mo na kailangan magpaliwanag. Magpahinga ka kung pagod ka... Hindi mo kailangan kumilos palagi."
Kiel was right. Maybe I needed to find peace in stillness or in simply being alone. I didn't need to keep distracting myself. I just had to sit with it... Feel it. Embrace it... so I could finally make peace with it.
Dad helped me move out. Bumili na rin kami ng ibang mga kailangan sa condo. I told him I'd buy my own condo in the future, kapag may pera na ako. I was aiming to be scouted for the national team. I wanted to compete internationally again.
"Seven..." Umupo si Dad sa sofa at tinapik ang space sa tabi niya. "Alam kong hindi ako 'yong parent na pang-seryoso ang usapan. Mommy mo 'yon... kaya hindi ko na gagawing awkward 'tong usapan natin."
I laughed a bit at what he said. That was the thing about Dad. He had his own ways on how to show his concern for me... and he always knew how to make me laugh or smile, kahit gaano kasama ang araw ko. Hindi man kami nag-uusap nang seryoso, but I could always tell what he wanted to say.
"Mahirap ang break-up. Naiintindihan kita... pero hindi dapat sa relasyon umiikot ang mundo mo. Marami pang magagandang bagay na nakapaligid sa 'yo. Iyong career mo sa volleyball, ang layo na ng narating! Malapit na ang Nationals, oh. Isipin mo 'yon, nakarating ka roon? Dapat doon pa lang, mataas na confidence mo, eh! Hindi lahat ng tao nakakarating ng Nationals, ah!" Ginulo niya ang buhok ko kaya inayos ko na naman 'yon.
"I know, Dad... but with how I'm performing... I think I'll just bring my team down in the Nationals."
"Seven, temporary lang lahat ng 'to." He spread his arms over the sofa and looked up. "Magiging permanent lang 'yan kung wala kang gagawin... pero sinasabi mo naman sa sarili mo na gagalingan mo sa susunod, 'di ba? Step na 'yan. Ibig sabihin, ayaw mong ma-stuck diyan. Gusto mong umusad. At maganda 'yon... kaya lilipas din 'to. Maniwala ka sa sarili mo. Nandiyan ang pamilya mo, ang mga kaibigan mo, para suportahan ka. Kung tingin mo wala nang susuporta sa 'yo, nagkakamali ka! Nandito ako, oh! Number one fan mo kaya ako!"
"Dad, stop ruffling my hair." Ginulo niya na naman.
"Tsaka ang gaganda kaya ng grades mo. Dean's Lister ka pa palagi! Ang dami mong achievements sa buhay at ilang taon ka pa lang. Things will get better, sabi nga nila. Hindi ko lang alam ibig sabihin kasi English, eh," he joked.
"Thank you, Dad. I appreciate it." I gave him a small smile.
"Kung mahal mo, mahal mo. Hindi mo kailangang kalimutan. Hindi mo kailangang pigilin ang nararamdaman mo. Sarili mo na nga lang ang kasama mo rito sa condo, maglolokohan pa kayo!"
"Alright... I got it, Dad. You can go now..." I got his message already. He said he wouldn't make things awkward, but it was starting to get embarrassing since he was listing down my achievements and other positive things surrounding me.
"Kapag kailangan mo ng kausap... o kainuman..." Ngumisi siya. "Tawagan mo lang ako. Pwede mo akong maging tropa mo kung 'yon ang trip mo."
"Okay, Dad. That's enough." He laughed while waving his hand in the hallway.
But when he left, surprisingly, I didn't feel lonely because I was alone. I actually felt better. Binagsak ko ang sarili ko sa sofa at pinikit ang mga mata ko. I only have to worry about myself now.
"It's time for me to take care of myself..."
I'll take good care of you, Seven.
And a way to do that is to embrace the pain... so I could finally move on.
It was time to think about her again. I love Alia, I truly do... but I can't stay stuck in this pain forever. I can't fix what's already broken. I can't keep begging.
"I love you, Alia... but I will start moving on from you," I whispered. "It's time to let these feelings go."
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:)