Frank woke up alone, to empty sheets, and an aching heart, and the painful realization that Gerard hadn't come back to him, which really fucking hurt, so much so that Frank didn't even want to attempt to move, he couldn't move, because if he did, he would have to own up to his mistakes from last night, and Frank was so afraid of facing Gerard after everything he had said.
Frank regretted his outburst, and even though he had meant most of what he had so thoughtlessly spewed out, he never should have voiced it in such an aggressive manner, and he would do anything to take it back, but it was too fucking late for that, and it was only now that his temper had dissipated that Frank realized what an idiot he had been.
Frank knew mouthing off to Gerard never helped, if anything, it only made things worse, but Frank got so frustrated when Gerard tried to shut him out, and sometimes, he couldn't control himself, but he should have been able to, he should have simply left it alone until the morning when he was thinking more rationally, but Frank wasn't always the most logical person in the world, and it had really come back to bite him in the ass today.
Frank felt exhausted, both mentally and physically, and he didn't feel up to the task of fixing all of this, if Gerard even gave him the chance to that is, but Frank knew that he couldn't put this off, and he would never forgive himself if he didn't set things right with Gerard, because this had been Frank's fault for lashing out.
Gerard was fragile, and he hated harsh words and arguments, and even though Frank had explained in the past that he was never truly angry at him, Gerard didn't seem to understand the fact that Frank needed to let off steam, that every now and then, he needed to yell, or get pissed off, even though it was rare that Frank felt the urge to do so with Gerard.
Gerard's self-harm always set Frank off though, because Frank really fucking hated it, and the only thing that upset him more was when Gerard tried to hide it from him, like he had done last night. Frank was aware that Gerard would probably have told him eventually, because they weren't in the habit of keeping secrets from each other, but that wasn't what Frank wanted.
Frank just didn't understand why Gerard hadn't come to him for help, because sick or not - dying or not, Frank was supposed to be there for Gerard. He wanted to be his lifeline, his protector, and having Gerard take that chance away from him made Frank feel like nothing more than a burden to his boyfriend.
Frank could see why Gerard hadn't woken him up, his reasoning did make sense, but it didn't make Frank feel any better. Just because he had a brain tumor didn't make him useless, not yet anyway, and Frank could already feel Gerard pulling away from him, treating him more as a patient than a lover, and that was what really got under Frank's skin, and what was probably the reason for his unexpected outburst last night.
Not to mention that Frank had been scared, so fucking scared, and Frank didn't know how to react to the overwhelming terror that filled his chest every time he pictured Gerard destroying his perfect skin with a blade, so his first instinct had been to yell, to hide his fears behind a tough persona, and even though that had obviously been the wrong choice, Frank hadn't been able to control himself in the moment.
But for some reason, Frank hadn't been able to put his frustrations and fears into words, and he had ended up hurting Gerard, instead of just telling him why he was so upset, and really, Frank felt like the worst fucking boyfriend in the world right now, and he wouldn't blame Gerard if he never wanted to speak to him again.
But Frank wasn't going to allow that to happen - he couldn't, especially not now, when his time left on this earth was so limited, and he didn't want to waste a second of it. Each minute that passed without Gerard was pointless, so Frank had to go and apologize to him before it was too late.
So Frank heaved himself out of bed with a groan, trying his best to ignore the way his muscles twinged in protest, not to mention the steadily growing ache in his temples, which Frank really hoped was brought on by a lack of sleep combined with his worry over Gerard, and not something much more serious, but whatever, it could wait - Gerard was much more important at the moment.
With determination strengthening his steps, Frank trudged downstairs slowly, rubbing his eyes wearily as he tried to decide exactly what to say to Gerard, if he was even around that is. Frank knew he had to apologize - hell, he would get down on his knees and grovel if that's what it took to get Gerard to forgive him, but Frank also had to make Gerard understand that he didn't want to be pushed to the side, and that Frank needed to know if Gerard ever felt like self-harming again.
Gerard had been clean for so long, and even though Frank should have been expecting this ever since his diagnosis, he had been caught off guard by Gerard's relapse, and now he was even more worried for what would happen to Gerard when he wasn't around, but that was something that Frank couldn't change, so he was going to do everything in his power to help Gerard as long as he was able.
Frank stopped abruptly on the bottom step of the small staircase leading up to the bedroom, his breath catching in his throat for a moment, because there in the kitchen was Gerard, eating a bowl of cereal with a forlorn look on his face.
Frank had been so sure that Gerard would have left, even though this was his house, so Frank had no idea where he would have gone, but still, seeing Gerard sitting in front of him caused a blossom of hope to unfurl in Frank's chest. Gerard hadn't abandoned him, even though he could have - he should have, but he was still here, and Frank suddenly felt unworthy of the love Gerard so selfless gave him, but he wanted to try and be good enough for Gerard, and he was going to start right now.
Frank took a second to observe Gerard unnoticed, taking in the delicate way he brought the spoon to his mouth, how his long fingers wrapped around the object casually, and even though this was an everyday occurrence, and watching Gerard eat wasn't anything special, it was to Frank, because he loved this man so much, and something as menial as this had become so important ever since Frank had learned of his condition.
Gerard looked tired, and he was still in the same clothes he had been wearing last night, which meant that he probably hadn't left the house; if anything, he had most likely spent his time away from Frank downstairs, but Frank really didn't care if he had taken off or not, because he was back now, and that was all that mattered.
"Hey," Frank whispered quietly, taking another step toward his boyfriend tentatively.
Gerard's head whipped up suddenly, and the soft smile he graced Frank with had his heart fluttering rapidly in his chest, but Gerard quickly broke the moment by jumping to his feet and rushing over to Frank's side, abandoning his half eaten bowl of cereal in the process.
"How are you feeling - are you sure you should be up? Just wait here for a second, I'm going to grab the thermometer," Gerard rambled, pressing the back of his hand to Frank's forehead in an attempt to gauge his internal temperature.
"No Gerard, I'm fine - okay? I'm pretty sure my fever is gone," Frank sighed, trying to tamp down the sudden blossom of irritation that had been brought on by Gerard's words. Frank knew that Gerard was just worried about him, but this nursemaid routine was getting really old, and Frank wanted to focus on something besides his health for two minutes.
"Gee - stop...please? Can we just sit down for a little, maybe talk?" Frank asked, grabbing onto Gerard's wrist with a firm grip to stop him from darting upstairs, making sure to avoid his injured arm.
"I - yeah, okay...but I still want to make sure your fever has broken afterward," Gerard reluctantly agreed, leading Frank over to the kitchen table as he spoke. "Are you hungry - I can make you something," Gerard began digging through the cabinets idly, glancing back at Frank as he waited for an answer.
"I can make my own breakfast Gerard," Frank groaned, proving his point by walking over to the refrigerator and grabbing a muffin.
"Okay...I'm sorry, I was just trying to help," Gerard sighed, sitting back down with a soft thump. Frank instantly felt guilty for his attitude, because this wasn't how his apology was supposed to go at all, and he really needed to turn this conversation around before it evolved into another fight.
"No Gee...I'm sorry - okay, sorry about last night, and the way I spoke to you, and I just want to make sure everything is okay before I worry about food, or my temperature, or anything else."
"I - it's okay, I deserved it, and I shouldn't have done what I did, so you had every right to yell at me." Gerard shifted uncomfortably as he spoke, tugging on the sleeve of his long sleeved shirt to make sure the evidence of last night was covered completely.
"No - that's not what I meant, and I'm going to try and explain myself without getting pissed off, and I want you to listen to me - really listen," Frank stated in a firm tone of voice, trying to maintain eye contact with Gerard so he would realize how important this was.
"Okay..." Gerard finally answered, but he still refused to look at Frank, choosing to stare down into his now soggy cereal instead.
"Baby...come here," Frank sighed out, standing up quickly so he could engulf Gerard in a loving embrace. Gerard's slender fingers dropped the spoon he had been playing with so he could return Frank's affectionate actions, and there was the smile Frank was looking for.
"I don't want you to be upset with me..." Gerard whispered into the crook of Frank's neck, his body trembling slightly with unshed tears.
"I'm not love, and I never could be - in fact, you are the one who should be chewing me out. I was an ass to you last night, and I wasn't thinking. I was just tired, and scared, and stupid, but I wasn't angry with you, never with you..." Frank whispered in a soothing tone of voice, stroking Gerard's hair gently until he felt him relax against his body.
"I don't understand...I fucked up, and you should be pissed with me." Gerard pulled away from Frank for a moment, but he simply dragged him onto his lap before wrapping his arms around him again.
"No baby, you didn't fuck up...I did. That is why I was so upset, because you didn't let me help you, and in the past, you always used to come to me, and even if I couldn't stop you, at least I tried, but this time, you didn't even tell me how you were feeling, and that hurt me, so I lashed out at you because I felt unwanted," Frank admitted, feeling a weight lifting off his chest now that he had finally gotten the words out in the proper way.
"I know...I thought about what you said all night, and I should have come to you, but I just couldn't Frank. I felt too guiltily, because you have so much other shit to deal with right now, and I didn't want to be a burden."
"I don't want things to be that way Gerard, I hate this tumor, and yes - it fucking sucks that I'm going to die, but I don't want that to change our relationship, and it has Gee...it really has. I don't want to be someone you have to take care of, I want to be your boyfriend, someone who you can still turn to if you need it. I know that's hard for you now, but I need you to try and pretend that I'm fine, especially when you are hurting, because it's killing me that you don't think your problems are important - they are Gee, so fucking important...okay?" Frank clasped Gerard's hands in his when he was finished speaking, his heart racing as he waited for what Gerard would say next.
"Okay...I'm sorry, I have been acting differently, and I shouldn't be, but Frank..."
"Yeah?" Frank finally spoke up when it became apparent that Gerard was having trouble continuing.
"What am I supposed to do when you are gone?" Gerard's voice trembled wildly, and Frank tightened his grip on Gerard's hands, trying his best to calm him with his touch. This was the topic that Frank had been dreading, because Frank had no control over what happened to Gerard after he passed away, so all he could do was try and give Gerard hope, and maybe that would be enough.
"You keep living love, for the both of us, and you reach out to people when you need them, like Mikey - or whoever, because even though I'm dying, I refuse to let you die with me. You are the most amazing person in the world Gee, and you are strong - stronger than you think, and even though it won't be easy, I can't bear the thought of you following me into death - okay? I want you to do all of the things we always talked about; start a band, move away from Jersey, become a famous artist, fuck Gee - you can do anything, so don't rob the world of that."
"But...Frankie - you are my lifeline, you have saved me so many fucking times, and I don't know if I can do this without you. My mind is so fucked up, and when I am alone, it takes over, and I don't want to have to face this world without you..." Gerard mumbled softly, leaning his head against Frank's shoulder wearily as he spoke.
"I'm not gone yet Gee, and I might have longer than we think. Even the doctor said I was in a miraculous state, and while I am still here, I want to help you - okay?" It was true, and even though Frank was starting to feel some ill effects of his condition, he wasn't blind yet, and his coordination was still passable. It had already been three weeks since his diagnosis, so he could easily see himself surviving the next few months.
"Okay - I'm so sorry Frank, I didn't meant to hurt you by hiding what I did, and I won't do it again," Gerard choked out, nuzzling his head against Frank's in an affectionate gesture.
"Thank you baby, and I swear, I will always be there for you, and even though I have no idea what death is like, I will find some way to watch over you, even if I have to turn into a ghost - actually - that would be pretty fucking cool," Frank chuckled weakly.
"You better," Gerard giggled, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Frank's head lovingly. The two lapsed into silence after that, and even though there was more that Frank could say, he was pretty sure that he had made his point, and he didn't want to push Gerard any further today.
So Frank snuggled into Gerard's arms gratefully, trying his best to soak up this rare occurrence of absolute peace. This was Frank's heaven, and death was going to take that away from him, instead of bringing him to it, so Frank had to absorb every second he had with Gerard, because no matter what Frank had said, he wasn't sure how much longer he truly had, so he was determined to make the most of it.
And in that moment, everything was okay again - more than okay actually, and all of Frank's fears, and irritation, and helplessness drained out his body like water through a sieve. Frank knew everything wouldn't be perfect all of a sudden, and he wouldn't be surprised if he ended up having this conversation with Gerard sometime in the near future, but that was just fine with Frank, because he would do anything for Gerard, and as long as Gerard understood that, then the whole mess that had been last night was worth this conclusion.
Oh god I managed to update something - go me.
This story got super off track from the original, so I am trying to line them back up again, because I really want to finish this sometime soon, and it is taking way longer than I thought it would, but I have way too many fics going right now, so I'm going to try and wrap this up asap.
As always, thank you to anyone who is reading this, you are all amazing for putting up with me and all my shit, so if you are enjoying this, leave a vote or a comment, you know the drill.
((((loving vibes))))
<3 starr