"Oh, you can feel sorry for there are people in your mind" - Good Fights
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The bell rang, and I made my way to my seat next to Kris. I definitely wasn't late to school. I was just a little tardy. Being tardy sounds a lot better than being late.
I may have put up a fight on taking my meds today. There was a lot of kicking and shoving for sure. A couple of grounding threats. Two or three pills were thrown. Days like these are why my doctor thinks that I abuse my meds. I run out of my prescription a little fast sometimes because on the days I don't want to take them I ended up losing a couple of them in my fights with Cole. I never tell my doctor about this though (in case he tries to get any ideas about sending me to the nuthouse), so he thinks that I take extra; it's the most ridiculous thing that I've ever heard. I don't even like taking my regular dosage.
Eventually, Cole was able to pin me down and shove them down my throat. Ten minutes later I was on my way here and had fewer emotions than a potato.
"Good morning Adrianna. Looks like you got here in a rush. Excited to see me?" Kris whispered quietly since Ms. Reynolds had started talking. I'm pretty sure that meant no talking, but when did Kris ever listen.
"Good morning Kristina, and I'm going to ignore that second part." I wasn't the one excited to Kris. However, the person who was missing her had a few choice words about my tardiness.
I was able to enjoy a few minutes of silence before Kris decided that she wanted to talk to me again. I don't think she understands the concept of school. Or at least the whole learning and being quiet part. She definitely has the socializing part down.
"Have you been doing a lot of thinking?" I'm trying to think about my school work, but someone is annoying me.
It was day one of me thinking about Kris's proposition, and I already have an answer: no. Had I thought about it? No. Should I think about it? It would probably make me a better person. But do I want to think about it? No. So I'm not going to think about it.
If you don't think about it that will make you a liar. Now you care about being a liar. I've always cared about being a liar. Remember when you asked me to lie to Cole? This is Kristina though; I like Kristina. You don't like Cole? You know the answer to that question. I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day. I've never, not once, asked you to talk to me Adrianna.
"Since you're not answering me, I'm going to assume no." That'd be a really good assumption.
"Come on Adri." Her tone made me look at her, but I didn't say anything. "You said you'd think about giving me a chance." Technically I thought about it for about two seconds before deciding no. I guess that giving her a chance would be a good thing to do, but I don't even understand why she even wants a chance.
I glanced up at Ms. Reynolds, before turning back towards Kris. "Why?"
"Why what?"
I rolled my eyes. "Why do you want me to give you a chance?"
She stared at me for a few seconds before tilting her head. I didn't think that it was that hard a question.
"It's hard to explain. But...you know, because I want to be with you."
I groaned in response because my stomach decided to tie itself into knots and get my lungs involved as well. My stomach was so selfish sometimes. It could never go down by itself, always had to take someone down with him.
"Kris I'm not one of your closet friends." I finally managed to get that out, but quietly. My lungs were still trying to get away.
"No, no. I know that. Adri are you okay? You look sick? Is it really that bad of an idea?" Kris rushed in a panicked voice.
Of course it was a bad idea. Even more so, it was a terrible idea. I don't think that it's a "turn puke green" kind of bad. It was more like "blush as red as a firetruck" kind of bad.
"Kris I..." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Wouldn't want to pass out in the middle of my sentence. "I just don't understand is all."
"Well, let me help you understand." Kris instantly shot back and placed her hand over mine. She watched me as she entwined our hands, and moved them under the table. I still don't want Kris touching me, but I can't really say that I mind anymore. So I didn't pull away, but I didn't show any signs of liking it either. I just turned back to Ms. Reynolds and kept taking notes with my free hand.
When the bell rang, signaling that class was over, I instantly yanked my hand away from Kris and made my way to my next class without waiting for her. I think that I've had enough touching for one day. I don't think that I'm obligated to talk to her for the rest of the day either. I'm sure she'll be able to deal.
Δ
"Do you need to get anything out of your locker?" Bella asked as we made our way towards the cafeteria. Since I wasn't talking to Kris for the rest of the day, I've been sitting with the rest of the group in all of my classes. Kris realized that I was done with her for the day during our third period when I sat on the opposite side of the room as her. She didn't seem angry. She looked like she understood.
Why does she make it so hard to be mad at her?
"Nope, I just need to go to the nurse really quickly to pick up my meds," I said quickly, futilely hoping that Bella wouldn't hear me.
"May I ask why?" Bella asked in a soft voice.
"Why what?" I responded, knowing very well what she meant.
"Why do you have to take all of those meds?" She continued and I shrugged.
I'm not actually sure myself some days. I mean yes, occasionally they work and I get through my day with a controllable amount of voices in my head and without trying to commit murder. But I always feel like just half on me on those days, as if I'm just floating through the day.
And on the days that they don't work, I realize what a wreck I am and question the need for my existence. All I truly desire then is to dive headfirst off of the nearest skyscraper.
If those are my two options, then what really is the point?
"Because I'm crazy," Is what came out.
Bella giggled in a light-hearted fashion and nodded. "All of the best people are. Don't worry."
Bella's comforts didn't actually soothe me, but it was Bella so I smiled at her.
Eventually, we made it to the nurse's office, and Bella agreed to wait outside while I went in.
"Hey Adrianna." Ms. Lauren called out from her office, and I waved in her direction before sitting on the bed.
Ms. Lauren is pretty okay, as far as a person who gives me medicine goes. She doesn't try to make small talk with me and she doesn't always make me take my meds in her office. That's what she's supposed to do, but Cole had apparently talked to her. He told her how stingy I was about my meds, and that she didn't have to worry about me giving them to anyone else. They apparently hadn't stopped talking since then, but it didn't sound like anything more than friendly, so I didn't see a need to snoop. Yet.
"How's your day today?" She asked as she walked over to the medicine cabinet. She took the key out of her pocket and unlocked the doors. There were only two other kids who took medicine at school during lunch. One of them had a skin problem, and the other one had ADHD. I wanted to meet the ADHD kid. He could be nice to talk to. Ms. Lauren told me that she couldn't tell me his name, but she did tell me that he's a Senior. I'd find him eventually.
I shrugged at her in response and watched her take out my bottles. Now that I thought about it, I don't really feel up for taking them right now. Or ever.
"Ms. Lauren, I don't want to take my meds," I stated and slowly started to slide off of the bed. She immediately whipped around and gripped the pills in her hand that she'd already taken out. I kind of felt bad because now she has to separate them all back. But not bad enough to take them.
"Adrianna, you can't not-"
"I don't want to take them!" I screamed at her and began to walk towards the door. She can't make me do anything that I don't want to do and I do not want to take those meds.
"Is everything alright in here?" Oh great. Just the person I wanted to see.
"Kris, don't let her leave the room." Talking to me calmly isn't going to make me change my mind.
"Do you want me to call Cole?" Kristina asked me gently, reaching for her phone but I furiously shook my head.
"I want you to let me leave! I don't want to take those!" I demanded and ran towards the door, but Kris just grabbed my waist and pulled me away from the door. This isn't what I want. I want to leave. I want to walk out of the door.
"Adri you have to take your meds. Then we can leave." Whispering in my ear isn't going to make it any better either.
As I continued to thrash against Kris, I saw Ms. Lauren motion for her to bring me to the bed. I yelled protests as Kris began to pull me towards her. My breathing became labored when I suddenly noticed what Ms.Lauren was holding in her hand. If I wasn't fighting hard before, I surely was now. I would rather die than let her stick that needle in me.
A few years ago, I had the worst panic attack that I had had in a long while at the time. No one could calm me down. Not Ellie, not Cole. I was willing to do anything to not take my meds. When I started trying to bite my dad, that's when my mom decided to call the ambulance.
When they got to the house they had brought three people, meaning there were now six people against me and yet they still couldn't get me to take my meds. It wasn't until one of them injected me with a sedative that I was calm. And by calm I mean knocked out.
It worked so well that I was out for the next 24 hours. My mom loved it so much that she decided to make it a regular order along with my prescriptions. Instead of, you know, trying to understand.
Because that'd be too much to ask from her.
"Kris no! No! Let. Me. Go!" I yelled and tried to pull away again, but Kris just held me tighter. I began to cry and sob against Kris. I didn't want to sleep for a day. Didn't she understand what could happen? The nightmares that I could have?
"Kris, please! I'll be good! Just don't let her put that in me! Please!" I begged, and instead of Kris having to hold on to me, I was clinging on to her. I would do anything. I wanted to take my meds now, as long as that meant that Ms. Lauren didn't touch me. I didn't want to be here with her anymore.
Kris's grip loosened on me, and she shifted me so that I was behind her. I clung onto her waist, whimpering and shaking. It was hard for me to breathe right now because I was so much more focused on not letting her touch me with that needle. My lungs were dying all by themselves. They just wanted what I wanted.
To disappear from this situation.
"I think that she's ready to take her meds. You can give them to me now." Kris decided, holding out her hand to Ms. Lauren and keeping me pressed against her back with her other hand.
"Are you sure because I can't-"
"Yes, I'm sure. I also think that you should probably leave."
I slumped into Kris's back and rested myself there until Lauren left the room. At this moment, I couldn't be more grateful for Kris' presence. Every cell in my body was thanking her, screaming their praises.
When I heard the door click shut, I slowly pulled away from Kris and scanned the room. I had to make sure that it wasn't still out.
"She locked it back in the cabinet. Don't worry." Was all she said before she patted the bed, signaling for me to sit down. I did one more scan before pulling myself up.
Kris walked over to my backpack, which had been kicked across the room during the...disagreement, and took out my lunch bag. She gave me my water bottle and meds and watched me take the pills. She handed me my sandwich next and then leaned against the bed. I watched her staring at the bed as I ate the first half of my sandwich.
"Thank you Kris." I whispered quietly, looking down at her. She glanced up at me and sent me a small smile before looking back down. I watched her as I kicked my feet awkwardly. I wanted to say something but I didn't really know if I was just supposed to say it, or if there was some official way to do it.
After a few more moments of silence, I cleared my throat and tapped Kris's shoulder. She looked up at me with a raised eyebrow, and I gave her the best smile I could.
"I'm going to really think about it, I promise." She deserved that now. She saved me.
"Yeah?" She questioned, sitting up. She moved in front of me and placed her arms on either side of me. I didn't mind the lack of space for once. It was almost exactly what I needed right now. So much so that I went and held Kris's hand without prompt.
It was terrifyingly exhilarating.
"Yeah."