30th May 1864
I should be so happy, since I will see Jasper today. I am, but there is a matter so grave that clouds my joy: I will have to marry Officer Lacey, and I will have to marry him next week.
For I am pregnant again, and there will be no other way than to marry now and then claim it an early birth. I choke and shudder disgustedly at the thought of laying with any other man than Jasper, but what can I possibly do? I want neither an other lover nor an other husband than Jasper, yet I will have to give up both desires in order to give our child, our second child, a future.
...§...
Georgiana's P.O.V.
"Jasper..." I gulped, feeling how tears and sobs came up my throat and eyes. He held me in his arms, just like last month, and I inwardly burned alive at what I would have to say now. "I will marry Officer Lacey next week."
He jumped up and glared at me, and I felt even worse than I already did.
"Why, Georgiana? And why do you only tell me now?"
"It's just been decided... I have to, Jasper."
"You never have to do anything you do not want." He hissed.
"No, this is different." I sobbed desperately. "I have no other way."
Suddenly, his eyes and expression turned tender again, and he returned to my side and took me back into his arms. "You don't want to marry him, do you?"
"Of course not! I only want you!" Silent tears fell onto his chest as he cradled me against him.
"Marry me, then."
I looked up at him in disbelief. To think that Jasper Whitlock would marry, would bind himself...! That he would really love me so... "But how-"
"We'll do it now, Georgiana. Nobody will have to know, I know some priests who owe me a favour. What matters is that we know, and that your marriage with Lacey will be invalid, as he will someday find out. So, Georgiana Ellwood, will you marry me?"
I must have lost my last remaining sense completely. "Yes, I do. There's nothing I would like more on this world."
...§...
1st June 1864
I am now officially (well, not publicly) Mrs Whitlock. Doesn't that sound so heavenly?
What's more, the child I'm carrying will not be a bastard, since I am married to his father. Now the only thing that blackens my joy is that I will have to marry, or pretend to, Officer Lacey. I could cry out in despair when I think of sleeping with him.
...§...
10th June 1864
It is done. I am "wedded and bedded" as the men phrase it, and I have never felt so dingy in my whole life.
Lacey had always seemed to be an honourable, kind man, but I have caught glimpses of him that make me think otherwise.... but I am certain he will never dare harm me. The wedding night had been so painful, and I hoped my baby was alright. I had been a fool to believe every man would be as tender, loving and gentle as Jasper.
I want nothing more than for this war to be over, so that I can finally be with my husband, my true and only husband.
I despise being called Mrs Lacey, and I cringe at the thought that Charles will think of Jasper's child as his. But I will endure it so that our child will be safe and will have a future. For who knows how long this damned war will last? Four years it's been already...
One comfort I do have: Jasper has written to me again. I will see him soon, and then everything I have to endure will be rewarded.
...§...
Georgiana's P.O.V.
I met Jasper several times, each time unnoticed by anybody, in the next two or three months - then it became impossible, since my stomach started to curve and he had been called away from Hartville. I did not know whether or not I wanted Jasper to know that it was his child... I still had to tell Charles.
I sat by the fireside and waited for my husband to come home. I was sure I would choke on the words, and I did not smile as I told him. "Charles, I am pregnant."
"Well, that is splendid news." He showed little enthusiasm, and only too soon I would get to know what it was that he cared about only: "Will it be a son?"
"I cannot tell, can I?"
"I hope for your sake that it will be." He smiled at me humourlessly, almost threateningly, and for the first time, I realized that the pleasant attitude he flaunted was nothing but a mask. "Because I want an heir, Georgiana, and you will give him to me."
"Maybe, but whether it is a boy or a girl is not mine to decide, and you will accept either one!" I said fiercely, standing up. I would not let myself be pushed into the role of the obedient, timid wife.
"You should hope for your own good that it will be a boy, for I will not let you rest until I have my heir!" He growled as he grabbed my wrist so firmly that it hurt.
"Let go of me!" I hissed and shoved him away. It dawned me only now: Maybe a life in shame, alone with my baby, would have been better than living with Charles Lacey. Only it was now too late.
...§...
29th September 1864
Charles has given up the last pretense of being a loving husband, and I fear for my baby. I do not think it will be a boy.
What will Charles do to a daughter? Women were worthless to him, and I think he would stop at nothing. I somehow know that Jasper, would he be in Charles' stead, would take care of me instead of carrying me around like a trophy, torturing and exhausting me. How I long for him... Hopefully he will return soon.
I long to see my son, too, and I have hopes that Marianne and her husband will go on a trip very soon and leave Jonathan with me. He is everything I have now.
...§...
Georgiana's P.O.V.
It was the end of December when the pains started. The baby was early, truly early. I winced and cringed at the ferocity of the contractions, and I could just hand Jonathan to my maid before I nearly dropped him from my lap.
"Mrs Lacey!" Katherine, my servant, rushed to my side. "Shall I get your husband?"
"No. Go and fetch the midwife, and tell her it's urgent. Get a doctor, too. The baby's early." As she went, Jonathan on her arm, I retreated to the couch, unable to get myself to the bed. This birth would be a quicker one, I knew. I panicked - why was the baby early? Was it ill? Tears ran across my cheek at the thought of losing my precious child.
It seemed like endless hours until the midwife eventually came, and she came to my side, feeling my belly and whispering: "It's early, Mrs Lacey, but it feels healthy. It's coming quickly - is it your first child?"
I merely looked at her through clouded eyes, and she asked nothing further. "It will be alright, dear, it will be alright. Just be strong for your baby."
I gave another cry at the tearing sensation in my torso. I was sure it was breaking me apart, yet I obeyed the midwife's instructions, no matter how hurtful they turned out to be.
The next hour I lived through a mist of pain that only lifted when I held my darling baby daughter in my arms. "Felicity." I smiled weakly, but sincerely. The first time in months. "My darling, my baby... Nothing will ever happen to you, that I promise you, my darling. And I will find a way to get your brother back, and to be with your father."
I kissed her soft cheek, and smiled at her yawn. She was smaller than Jonathan had been, but none the less she was beautiful and healthy. Most importantly, she was Jasper's. Jasper's and mine. Born in wedlock.
I had dozed a little with my sleeping daughter in my arms when the door was suddenly thrown open and Charles entered. "Is it a boy?"
I stood up, ignoring the stars dancing before my eyes and the fatigue. I stood before him proudly, and would not let him hurt my baby. "No, it is a beautiful baby girl."
Charles glared at me, not even glancing at the child. "Well, we'll just have to work on that, then, won't we?" His eyes were blazing, and I cradled Felicity closer to my body. I expected Charles to leave now, slamming the door behind him - but he didn't. It dawned me then that it had not been a idle threat. "Charles, you can't possibly-" I was so weak, every muscle in my body hurt. I had just given birth, for heaven's sake!
"I can do everything I damn well please! And as my wife, you have certain duties to fulfil."
"Not tonight." I said firmly, my voice stronger than my body. Charles came to stand directly before me, glowering down on me. "Tonight."
"No!" I wrenched my arm free of him and took several steps backwards.
"You have five minutes to bring that thing away." He hissed. "Or she will just have to watch."
I stared at him in numb shock. I had not expected anyone to be so brutal, so hateful. "You cannot force me."
"I will show you that I can. Now get that child away. I want my heir, Georgiana, and I had sworn before that I would not let you rest until you gave him to me."
Despair, black and devouring, took hold of me, the more when I realized that Jasper could not save me from this. I only had the chance to direct Charles' hatred at me and spare Felicity. So I brought her into her bed in Jonathan's room, and I locked the door behind my children, so that they would both be safe.
I stood at the door, terrified and suffering, then I starchily walked down the corridor. Charles was already waiting, and he grabbed my arm, pulled me into the room so fiercely that I would have stumbled had his brutal grip on me not been.
"I did not agree to marry you so you would give me useless daughters. I want my heir, bitch, and my promotion. Both you will give to me." His voice was loud and piercing as he pushed me on the bed. I could not do anything. Even if I could have, even if had not been so weak, I would have to endure it for my children's sake. They must never be harmed.
Un-ceremonially, he pushed my skirts up. Every thrust ripped me apart even more, and I could not stop myself from sobbing. It was so much worse than the birth pains.
"Stop whimpering!" He yelled and gruffly pushed his mouth on mine. Minutes later he got off of me, stormed out of the room and slammed the door shut behind him. I struggled up, blind hatred keeping me from crying. I would not spill one tear for him, he could torture me as much as he liked, but he would never break my pride.
So I opened the door and went into my children's room, locking the door behind me. Here, with them, I would be safe. My son and daughter. I smiled at their peaceful sleep, and knew that they and Jasper were worth everything.
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