E M B A R R A S S M E N T
(Happy reading, sorry it sucks!)
Purpose—something I've been told everybody has, yet for some reason, I can't seem to find my own. My towel runs over my body, absorbing the remaining water from my shower. I avoid looking in the mirror as I gather my clothes from the marble floor, walking to the door of my bathroom and tossing them on the foot of my bed. I collapse into the bed, sighing.
I had been pondering that a lot lately. While everyone was doing something every day, I was doing nothing. Purpose was such a funny concept to me; the idea that everyone, even me, was put on Earth for some reason and only the lucky ones, I guess, get to find out—even if it's not true—what that purpose is. I didn't understand how people decided what theirs was, or if it was influenced by some greater power. All I knew was that if purpose existed, my brothers all seemed to have theirs whether it was with their careers, extracurriculars, or their family. And I was just here. Existing a couple of steps behind them.
Leo and Noah were having their friends over today. I was nervous. I wasn't good around teenagers. I love the elderly and children, but teenagers are the one age group I just can't seem to connect with. Hence why I had no actual friends. Anyway, they both told me that I was welcome to come say 'hi'—Noah begrudgingly, while Leo even went as far as inviting me to hang out with him. I was sure I'd end up just barricading myself in my bed with a book and some chips. But I was certainly curious.
Apparently, most of Leo's friends met through one another and had a lot in common so just stayed together for lunches and stuff, whereas Noah's friends had accumulated through hockey, which he is apparently very good at, and enjoys greatly. I didn't get it. Sports. Athleticism. It was certainly never my strong suit and being surrounded by boys who just love to play sports and get rowdy, I was reminded of it constantly. My usual comfort with my own little world of reading and comfort was consistently disturbed by the thought that the one thing that they all bonded over seemed to slip by me too. I wondered if there was any aspect of me that was remotely close to them.
A light knock on my door makes me jump, and I mark my chapter with my bookmark.
"Yes?" I accidentally rasp out, clearing my throat when the door opens. Leo walks in and peeks his head around the corner.
"Hey." He smiles sheepishly.
"Hi," I say back, furrowing my eyebrows. He looks behind him and then back at me, his hands against the wall as he holds himself against it.
"I just wanted to let you know that they're here." He explains his intrusion. "Well, my friends are. Noah will probably be coming later. Not that you have to meet them. Or my friends. But you're welcome to." He rambles, making me crack a grin. "I'd like you to."
"I..." I close my mouth trying to come up with the right response. "I'll think about it."
He stares at me and my book before nodding and turning on his heels, closing the door behind him.
Maybe I did want to meet them. No matter how anxious I am, no matter how socially awkward I am, I can feel in my stomach the constriction when it comes to my social life, and desperately want to loosen it. I was so used to being by myself that sometimes I forgot how to talk to people, and while my brothers attempt to talk to me, when they remember I am here, and as much as Sandro and Tommy try to get the others to hang out with me more, they just don't. I don't take it personally. They don't know me. I don't know them. But it gets repetitive and boring. I am practically crawling out of my skin to escape.
I sigh and lay there for another moment. I should say hi, at least to feed my curiosity. I kick the covers off of me, immediately missing the warmth. The dampness of my body against the sheets made it even more comfortable, even if I hated the wet-ish feeling, but it was something I appreciated after every shower; drying as best as I could, and then rushing to bury myself in my bed. It was sleep-inducing. I opened my drawers, looking at the minimal options. I was going to ask Alessandro if it would be possible to go shopping sometime soon, no matter how nervous the thought of talking to him made me, or asking for something. He always stresses that I can ask for anything, and they will provide the best they can, yet I have a really hard time accepting that.
Why would anyone want to help me?
I shake the thought away, blinking, and pull out a pair of loose jeans and a blue crewneck. I slipped white socks on my feet and looked at myself in the small hand mirror on the dresser. I sigh, turning it face down, before opening my door. I stand in the entrance for a moment, listening for any hint at where they were, and slightly building up the courage to go look. I could hear laughing from the living room just down the hall from me and clenched my eyes closed for a second. My room is like, what, five feet away? If I have to escape, I say I'm going back to bed and I never leave my bedroom again. So what?
My mind is racing and begging me to turn back as I walk towards the noise. I pause beside the archway, eyeing Leo and his apparent friends. One of them—the furthest from me—was an Asian boy with a gold chain and baggy green t-shirt on. His phone was in his hand, but he wasn't looking at it. The guy beside him had longer brown hair, and glasses resting on his nose. He was speaking to the boy across from him, which made me inwardly laugh since they were all speaking over each other. I imagined one of those word searches, and how the lines overlap as the letters mix. The boy he was talking to had a small braid in the front of his hair, and freckles all over him. I smiled as Leo animatedly joked around, looking at everyone as he did so. He was always kind of quiet. It was refreshing to see him so vibrant. I wondered if friends did that for everyone—if I would be more positive, and more confident if I had anybody to talk to.
"Evie, hey!" Leo waves at me, making me snap out of my constantly changing depressing thoughts.
"Hi." I blush and wave shyly. He waves me over again. His friends stop talking and look at me, all with matching smiles. The one on the chair, the first boy, nudges his friend and I immediately wish I had stayed in my room. Leo doesn't notice and moves over for me to sit.
"We were thinking about going to the corner store if you wanted to come?" He offers, patting the cushion beside him. I take it, immediately thanking the world for not making me sit between him and one of the other boys.
"Oh, um, I'm not sure." I shrug, breathing shakily and hoping none of them noticed. "I have been eating chips all day."
"That's okay, you can still come. It would be nice to get some fresh air," he lowers his voice at the end. I look at him, the pleading look on his face. It was bugging me how much he seemed to want me to tag along, so I found myself agreeing before I could think about it.
"Yay!" He elbows me playfully, looking at his phone for a moment. "I guess you should be introduced then. That's Aaron," he points to the first guy I saw. "That's Henry," the third guy, who waved happily at me, before whispering to Leo, who kicked him softly in the shin. "And Abra. Abraham, if you wanna get super fancy."
"Oh, that's my last name," I say before regretting it immediately. "I mean, it was, before I moved in." I can physically feel my cheeks grow even redder as I stare embarrassed at the ground.
"Right, yeah, Leo told us that the whole situation was messed up. Sorry to hear about your parents." Aaron said with a nod but then moved on. My heart felt relieved, and my mind was too. "What time is your mom taking us home, Abra?"
"In a couple of hours. I dunno." He shrugs, standing up. Everyone else follows suit and I take that as my signal that we are leaving. I make eye contact with Leo and he picks up the shoulders of his shirt as if telling me to change into something less heavy. It was still summer, and therefore extremely hot.
I speed walk past all of them and enter my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I rampage through my drawers for a different shirt, settling on the first one I see. It was slightly more cropped than the clothing I was used to, but before I could stress about how I looked, a loud knock sounded out. I whispered a curse and blinked away the thoughts, walking to the door. I expected to see Leo waiting for me. Instead, it was Alessandro.
"Hi, belle." He extended his arm for me to walk out and I smiled awkwardly, listening. I could hear the boys downstairs as they chatted. "Are you ready?"
"Mhm!" I nod, rocking back and forth slightly on my heels.
"Lovely. Let's go then."
I look up at him from my hands, which were twittering mindlessly with each other.
"Hm?"
"I'm tagging along. Figured a walk would do me no harm. Is that alright?"
"Oh—yeah! Yeah, of course." I say quickly. "Does Leo know?"
"Nope." He winks, nodding at me to walk downstairs. I nod and do as he says, keeping my head down as I meet up with everyone. Leo glances at me, Sandro in toll, and furrows his eyebrows.
"I'm not a baby." He argues, annoyed, but not wanting to get himself in trouble.
"I know." Alessandro ignores his statement, walking into the shoe closet. Leo groans and his friends laugh at him, Henry shoving him playfully.
"She's not a baby either," He points at me. His friends glance, but keep their eyes on the closet awaiting his response. I do as well.
"I know that as well." He shrugs, walking back out. "However, it's quite a nice day for a walk. Besides, I'd like to hang out with my little siblings." He ruffles Leo's hair with a smirk.
"Aw, fuck off." He swats him away as the elevator dings. Everyone piles in. I inhale a shaky breath before doing the same, head tilted to the ground as I clench my eyes shut.
"Language." He pushes his head, Leo glares and mutters under his breath.
Too many people. Way too many people.
My hands shake as they grip my jeans tightly, trying to restrain the anxiety from reaching its peak. I feel a body move closer to me, and then a gentle squeeze on my wrist. I startle, looking over at the culprit.
"We're almost at the lobby." He comforts in a whisper.
Thanks to the chatter from his friends and Alessandro—who was chatting with Henry about the latter's family—nobody heard. I gratefully smiled at him, relief filling my body as the doors opened soon.
We walk outside of the elevator heading to the grand entrance as Noah happens to be passing by with Will and Theo with him, and a group of other boys I hadn't met. I immediately shrunk into myself, gradually floating closer to Alessandro, who placed a hand on my back as we kept walking. A few of Leo's friends greeted Noah and his, but nobody stopped to talk. We were walking like we had somewhere to be. We didn't really, but it made me have to walk extremely fast. I didn't understand how Leo was moving so much faster than me since he was practically the same height. I scoffed at that thought.
"What's wrong?" Alessandro asks.
"The world is unfair." I jokingly mumble. He chuckles when he realizes what I'm going on about.
Something happens outside the doors which makes the group pause. A woman is yelling at one of the penthouse staff members, and the curiosity radiating off of the boys makes them stop. Alessandro tried to coax them to keep going, but in the few seconds they took to see what was happening, I had enough time to trip over myself. I practically threw myself on the ground. Thankfully nobody saw since I managed to catch myself, though the scrapes on my hands were raw and red.
"You okay?" A hand reaches into my vision.
"Mhm, yeah. Yeah, sorry." I stutter, vision black with embarrassment. My head twirled as I tried to pretend I wasn't about to cry from embarrassing myself. I take the hand without looking to see who it is, apologizing profusely again.
"No worries. You good, though?" The doorman asks, his lips upturned with an amused grin, though his eyebrows were deepened with concern.
"Yes. For sure. Thanks for... you know." I tilt my head, shrugging my shoulder. He shakes his head, opening his mouth to speak when he's interrupted.
"Let's go, Evie," Leo says, glaring at the door boy. He pulls me tougher than I think he meant to, bringing me towards the group that had started walking. Alessandro was staring at me, and the door boy. He pulled out his phone and texted someone.
"Thank you!" I shout, looking behind me with a goofy grin. He nods again, laughing to himself.