I remember the first time I saw you in the Depths.
It was one of the many Welcoming Banquets that were thrown. I remember hating them, because I had to deal with all the new, emotional Dwellers. The Welcoming Banquets were when everyone's emotions and feelings were heightened, and that made my job with the Inflamers much worse. Samuel had dismissed me from attending, but I knew that I would end up going. I needed to get on his good side, and his parties always got out of hand, as you know.
So I was taking my time getting to the party, of course. I kept walking around the halls of the Depths, thinking about how much I hated being dead, and how weird it was to be thinking that. You see, I was in some state of denial, at the time. I didn't want to think about anything from before, so I didn't. I cut off my emotions, my humanity, so I wouldn't remember what I did to you. You were still a stranger then, but from the moment I hit you, I knew that you were special. Someone brilliant. And of course, I was right.
Eventually Samuel saw me milling around. He asked if I would at least take a look at all the new Dwellers. I couldn't refuse, obviously, so I obeyed, following him and his swarm of Inflamers. They all seemed weary of me, as if I was someone powerful. I didn't feel powerful, though, I felt nothing.
We went up to the balconies, and Samuel talked to me for a few moments before leaving me alone. I walked to the railing and looked out at the swarms of people, bouncing to the bass heavy music. I saw so many things happening at once. There were people dancing like absolute maniacs, people arguing, people eating, people drinking, people kissing, and even people standing awkwardly to the side, like me. So many bodies packed into one space, it made my head spin.
And then I saw you.
It felt like the breath was knocked out of me. I was suffocating, drowning, dying all over again. All the pain I felt from before came flooding through the gates I thought I had locked up. I wasn't prepared to see you. I knew I had to shut it down, get rid of all this emotion.
So I did what came naturally, and I turned it into hate. I let all of the pain dissipate, and instead anger came seeping through my cracks.
And Alex Muir, I'm not cute when I'm angry.
I watched you, my whole body going rigid. I think the Inflamers could sense that something was wrong with me, because they started moving away. I saw you punch some short, wiry man. Your eyes were laced with terror and frustration and satisfaction all at once. Megan was saying something to you, something I couldn't make out. But whatever it was made you even more anxious, because your eyes got wide and you started biting your lip. I had to try so hard to despise you in that moment, because you were (and still are) so perfect.
You and Megan started walking out of the crowd of dancing people, and your eyes wandered around the room. I knew you had seen Samuel, who was only a few feet away from, when your eyes filled with hate. And then, merely a few seconds later, you spotted me.
I panicked, but I tried my best to hide it. I didn't know if you knew who I was, what I did to you. I did the only thing I could think of; I held your gaze. You looked fragile, lost. I tried to keep my expression from being hateful, but I probably didn't succeed.
It seemed like we were locked in place, staring at each other for hours, when it had only been seconds. Suddenly, a giggling girl tapped on my shoulder. She woke me from my trance, and I spun to look down at her.
"What?" I practically spit. Her giggling stopped, and she put on a pouty face. I recognized her as the girl who had been trying to hook up with me since I became part of the Ember Circle.
"I just wanted to know," she started, tracing her hand down my shoulder, "if we could get a little privacy in one of the alcoves."
I stared blankly at the girl, my mind still on you. Without thinking, I let the girl lead me to the closest alcove before I even responded. We stepped into the small room, and I was immediately repulsed by the odor it emitted. The stench brought me to my senses, and I frowned at the girl who was pulling her shirt off already. Everything seemed to be happening so fast, and my brain couldn't keep up.
"No," I stated harshly, hoping to stop her from undressing any further. "I'm not doing this." And with that, I left her there, staring angrily at me.
My mind swam with the image of you as I walked around. It took me a few minutes to get a grip, but even then I still couldn't stop thinking about you. The party continued as if nothing happened, but my whole world had just changed. I knew that I would have to avoid you at all costs. You brought all kinds of emotions, and I couldn't stand the thought of letting my memories take over.
After walking aimlessly for a while, I heard a piercing scream slice the air. Shouting started to come from the center of the dancing, and although I tried to convince myself otherwise, I was worried you were hurt. I started pushing as fast as I could through the sea of sweaty people. I did my best to shut all the emotions I had been feeling before off as I made my way towards the gathering of people. I put on a neutral face when I finally reached the opening.
I saw you there, laying unconscious on the floor.
Your friends were gathered around you, but I ignored them as I sat at your side, sliding my hand under your neck and lifting your head from the ground. Your skin was hot against mine, and I felt anger coarse through my body. I hated you so much, but at the same time you were the only thing anchoring me to my humanity.
"Who are you? Don't touch her!" Megan yelled at me. At the time, I had no idea who she was, nor did I care.
"She's healing already," I said calmly, trying to reassure not only your friends, but myself. "She'll be conscious in a minute."
You began to move slightly in my arms, and I could barely breath.
"Alex?" Your name tumbled out of my mouth.
You opened your eyes, squinting up at me. There was no recognition in them at first, and then finally you seemed to remember me. You jumped out of my arms, scrambling backwards. You seemed so scared of me.
"I told you not to sit up." I sighed, running a hand through my hair. You seemingly sized me up for a few moments before responding.
"I didn't hear you say that."
I squinted my eyes, annoyed.
"You should have been listening." My voice came out harshly, and I was surprised at just how aggravated I was.
"Oh, give her a break," Megan said defensively, rushing to your side. "She's just been stabbed, and all you can do is have a go at her."
"I've been stabbed?" You exclaimed, confusion clouding your face. You looked down at your collarbone, where the cut was already disappearing. "I - you've made a mistake. I just got cut a little."
I gave you an annoyed look, standing up.
"Cut a little? You think ruining my shirt was caused by a cut? You heal fast in the Depths. Makes it easier for the Inflamers to do more damage." Again, my voice came off rudely, and I was kind of glad. I didn't want you to like me. I wanted you to hate me as much as I hated myself. Although, I did feel a little guilty when you blushed. I had embarrassed you in front of all those people. I do apologize for that, Alex.
"Um, thank you?" You mumbled after a few seconds. I had no clue why you were thanking me.
"For what?"
"For..." You scratched your head anxiously. "For helping me?"
I raised an eyebrow, not having expected you to thank me. I couldn't help but feel how wrong the whole situation was. You shouldn't have thanked me for anything, I was the reason you were there.
People started complaining for the music then, already bored with the commotion. I knew better though, and I saw Samuel coming even before the crowd parted for him. He strode forward dramatically, and I moved back a little, toward the crowd. He stopped right in front of you, and every reflex in my body was screaming for me to jump forward and protect you, but I knew I couldn't.
"Alex Muir. You do enjoy making a scene, don't you?" Samuel purred, starting to circle you. A new kind of fury ignited inside of me as he looked at you as if you were some kind of prey and this was all just a big game. "Care to explain yourself?"
"I - er... it was an accident," you paused, humiliation etching itself into your features. "It wasn't my fault. I got caught up in someone else's fight."
"Interesting. Most people would be punished for causing such a ruckus at my Welcome Feast."
You bit your lip, your voice dropping with, "Please, I-"
"She didn't start anything, Samuel," I started, stepping forward. I couldn't watch him embarrass you anymore. "Just the usual fifth-ringer circle brawl."
Samuel raised his eyebrows at me, obviously surprised that I stood up for you.
"Flynn. I thought you were opting out of tonight's party? I got your note. Something about plans needing to be completed?"
"I was persuaded," I answered blandly, and Samuel grinned devilishly.
"I'm sure you were." He turned back to you, and I tried to hide the concern I was feeling. "So, Alex. If I shouldn't punish you, what should I do instead?"
"Let me go?" You replied hopefully. I could tell you were grasping for straws.
"Is it really that simple?" Samuel laughed in your face, and I couldn't help but to say something again.
"It might be," I tried my best to sound bored. I had to play my cards right if I was going to get you out of this. "I'm sure she'll soon learn when to pick a fight."
Samuel seemed to consider my words, and I waited quietly for his response. I tried not to admit it to myself then, but I was terrified for you.
"True. You'll learn that very fast, my girl. But what I've found is that most Dwellers avoid trouble by having their taste of the Inflamers sooner rather than later." Panic swelled around me at his words. He couldn't hurt you, I wouldn't let him. I looked to you, but you seemed unnaturally calm, considering the threat. "Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Finding out what dumped you here. But I'm not that merciful. I like the sense of pain in this place. I like the longing, the frustration, the despair. I'd like to let you sit this one out a bit longer."
It finally dawned on me then that you didn't know how you died. Some people didn't remember, and you were one of those. And that meant that sooner or later, you'd find out that I killed you.
I barely noticed as Samuel laughed viscously while he walked out of the room, and Isaac moved toward me.
"Construction plans?" He asked, making fun of my excuse. I tried to put on an amused expression as I punched him in the arm.
"Shut up." I said weakly. "Come on. I need to talk to you about something." I walked to the door with him then, glad to have someone to get my mind off of you.
But before I exited the party, I felt another surge of anger run through me. I glanced back at you, wishing I never had to see you again.
I'm so glad that my wish didn't come true.
~
Okay so that was my one shot! If you didn't understand, it was a note from Flynn to Alex. It's obviously something he wrote recently. Anyway, I put a lot of effort into this and I seriously hope it does Flynn justice.
And of course this is dedicated to the absolutely amazing @madelinestanford