2nd August 1863
It seems that Marianne is very happy still in her marriage. Officer Hudson is a kind man, I suppose, though the mere thought of me marrying such a man is horrid. He is soft and dull, and not overly ambitious or smart. Unlike my love; he had been general of a whole army within no time, and at such a young age. He was gentle, yes, but his scars told different stories. Jasper was powerful and influential, and he could win people for himself all too easily. Somehow he always knew what they wanted to hear, he always knew what they felt and could make them work for him without them even noticing... It's simply amazing.
Anyhow, my sister is happy - her talk of honeymoon and such might have ceased, but has been replaced by the talk of babies. Lord, will it ever stop?
...§...
5th September 1863
I had been so oblivious. I had believed myself untouchable by such banal but brutal matters such as pregnancy. I had loved Jasper without second thought - and here I now am. Unmarried. Pregnant.
...§...
6th September 1863
I have calmed down enough to think more clearly: I am pregnant, pregnant of the Confederate's general -furthermore, I am not married.
A possibility would be, of course, that my parents simply arrange a marriage for me immediately - but I would not love that man, whoever it might be. And who would agree to marry a woman who is pregnant in the third month? Even me being the general's daughter would not help there.
I would not give up. I will have to tell my parents, I will have to bear shame and reproach, maybe I will even be expelled from this family - but I would not get rid of Jasper's child.
...§...
Georgiana's P.O.V.
"You are pregnant?" My mother screeched and rushed to my side. Father turned around abruptly, his face twisted in anger, and my sisters and my brother looked at me in shock. I had been so lucky as to find them all present in the salon when I had come down to make the inevitable confession.
"How, Georgiana?"
"How could you be so stupid!" My father thundered, and I thought his question was a lot better than Mother's - how I had gotten pregnant was easy to explain.
Marianne and Susannah stared at me wide-eyed, with their pink-lipped mouths standing wide open. Before I even had the chance to say something, my mother, for once, prove herself valuable: "How long, dear?"
"Two months."
She clasped her hands before her mouth. "Had it been on Marianne's wedding day? When the drunken Confederates came into the city?"
There had been Confederates in the city then? I had only known of one... I shrugged, not knowing what to say. I could never bring the word "rape" from my throat, since I would suffocate on the lie first. It hadn't been rape - it had been my choice, and I had wanted it.
"Oh, my poor darling - can you remember anything?"
I kept my silence. It had served me well so far, better than speaking would have done.
"My poor child!" Mother exclaimed, and I realized only now that she had paved me the way out of a scandal. "Those damn Confederates don't stay away from anything! They're absolutely shameless! Richard, you can't blame our daughter for something she had no power over!" Who would have ever thought my mother would ever be of any use to me? That she was as clever as combining several facts, even though not true and not related? Furthermore, she had enabled me to not lie, but keep the truth. I wouldn't have to dishonour Jasper by claiming to having been raped. It would not have been just.
"I suppose I can't." My father growled. I was so relieved he did not have me expelled from the house immediately that I hardly dared to listen to him. "But we'll have to find out a way to cover this up." He let his gaze wander over his family, then he slowly continued, with the scheming glaze in his eyes: "Georgiana. You and Marianne will leave for the countryside together - when you come back, Marianne will claim your bastard her child."
A hot blizzard surged through me, and Marianne looked as if Father had struck her. "Papa, you cannot expect that I take her Confederate bastard as my own! I will not burden myself because she was as stupid as letting herself be sweet-talked into being bedded!"
Her spiteful words stung, but they were not completely unjustified. I felt sorry that Marianne had to get involved in this. But I also did not want to give up my child.... I loved him or her already, how would I bear giving my baby away? It was mine!
"Silence, Marianne. We have to handle this as a family, and everyone has to carry the burden. Georgiana will make sure you are not strained by the baby."
"I will not even look at that bastard!"
"Enough, Marianne!" Father thundered. "You and your husband will take that child up as your own, do you understand? Nothing of this is ever to get out of this room!"
Marianne whirled around to me. "You dirty bitch! You're destroying my life!"
I would have loved to shout at her: I am not pleased with Papa's solution, either, stupid girl! But then they would have asked why I was not comfortable getting rid of the child that I should hate, seeing it was planted in me by a Confederate who had destroyed my inner soul by his rape of me.
So I endured everything. Marianne's hatred, my parents' contempt, Susannah's careful avoiding me and William's ignoring of me.
...§...
12th December 1863
Tears are staining this paper, and they have good reason to.
I see and feel my precious baby grow, and as I see myself bloating up, I have to always remind myself that this child will never be mine. It will grow up thinking Officer Hudson is his father, Marianne his mother. Never will I be able to call him my baby, my son or my daughter, whatever it would be.
When I stroke my round belly, I can sometimes feel my baby stir. In sad times like these, every kick makes me smile. Just think; this child is the evidence of the love I feel for Jasper.
Oh, my love... If only I could tell him. What would he think then, what would he say? Jasper was a man made for the army, for war. Children and family did not fit into his ideal of life... would he leave me if I told him? Pretend like we had never been?
I will never have the answers for these questions.
...§...
Georgiana's P.O.V.
"We've been stuck at this godforsaken place for months now, and it's all your fault!"
I barely heard Marianne's complaints anymore. Three more months, and we would both be going home again... only that she will be celebrated as the proud mother, not I. I would forever be the disgraceful spot on the family.
"Just so this is clear, Georgiana: If your bastard turns out to be a boy, don't even dream about him inheriting anything from Julian and me!"
"Did I ever even hint at that, Marianne?" I replied calmly. I had grown wary of screaming back at her. It all had the same, non-existent effect.
"I'm just saying it so you won't get any stupid ideas."
"Damn it, Marianne, when had things turned so wrong? Why are we arguing so? We are sisters, not foes!"
"Sometimes it is both the same. You want to know when it had started going bad? Ever since
you helped those damned Confederates. I always knew you'd be trouble, but that you would go as far as betraying your own country, your own family... This is also why I do not think you got pregnant through a crime. I believe the father's a Confederate all right -but I know that you let him have you readily, on your own free will. It is because of that that I despise you so - for you had the pleasure, and now I will have to take care of your bastard!"
"You honestly believe, Marianne, that this pregnancy is fun? That anything of this all is funny? Tell me, then, why I am not laughing!?"
She stayed silent for once.
"If you remember, this had been Father's solution, I had nothing to do with it."
"Oh, no, of course not. Because you are oh-so-innocent." She hissed spitefully, then stomped out of the room, leaving me alone with my baby.
I stroked my enormous belly. "Do not listen to those voices, my darling. Your father was not a brutal soldier, just the contrary... But you will never know, I am afraid. All that matters is that I love you."
...§...
25th March 1864
I can barely move, so heavy is the burden I have to carry. I have called the midwife already, as that she will stay in the house from now on... I am not experienced with these matters, so I cannot say when it will be the time... It is so hot in here, although it is stormy outside and Marianne is freezing.
The midwife says that it is a common symptom of pregnancy and that I should not worry.
How will it all be when my baby is there? I do not think I can bear seeing it go with my sister and her husband... It is my child!
...§...
Georgiana's P.O.V.
I clutched my belly when a sudden sharp pain went through me. It disappeared again, and just as I was about to write a final sentence in my letter to Mama, the quill fell from my hand as a cramp shook my body. I thought I must be tearing apart inside, it was so intense.
"Mrs Smith?" Marianne and I lived here under a different name as to avoid gossip. The midwife came to my side. "Do you have cramps?"
"If they feel like cutting me up from the inside, then, yes." I hissed through clenched teeth. How I wish Jasper would be with me now... Tears stung in my eyes, and not only from the physical pain.
"Walk around the room, Mrs Smith, it will quicken the birth."
I was glad for the stout woman's support, since I otherwise would not have been able to even keep my back straight, let alone support myself on my shaky legs. After what seemed hours, I eventually could walk no longer, I collapsed.
"Try to relax, Mrs Smith. You are young and healthy, it will go fine." The woman made me sit up in bed as she calmly spoke to me.
"Is it true what they say of the first child being the most difficult birth?" I choked out between two agonizing cramps. I needed to talk, to do something, anything, just to divert myself from this soaring pain.
"It is true, but the moment you hold your baby in your arms you forget every second of pain."
Holding my baby in my arms... Jasper's and my baby....
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