"Georgiana!" I looked towards the direction the voice came from, and it took me a while to make out Fred, my cousin. I was still deep in thought, thinking back to the previous two days... Fred embraced me tightly, ripping me into reality. "I am so glad to see you unharmed, we were all worried about you. We all just returned now, too, having spent the last two days in the Union's camp. Uncle Richard had been close to sending out a search party for you, but had been busy with his military duties."
Of course. As always, the country came before family. This time, however, I was glad about it.
"Are they all well?"
My cousin's face became dark and worried, and I feared the worst. "Lisa is still missing, and so are Marianne and Eva. We're hoping they made it to another village or so..."
I felt deeply sorry for him, not knowing what happened to his sisters. I only hoped they and Marianne would turn up safely... Although I had to say, as harsh as it sounds, ever since I had taken care of the Confederates those two years ago, our relationship had cooled off. She had never told Father, for which I was grateful, but she always looked at me with contempt in her eyes. It was a price I was willing to pay.
We walked through the once glorious town, now destroyed, with damaged villas left and right of the street, various objects - and bodies - laying on the ground. I thanked God for my strong stomach, otherwise I might not have taken these sights as well. I didn't want to look to close at the corpses, fearing I might identify a friend or family member...
Then I stared right at her. Lisa. A red dot on her forehead. Her eyes staring into nothingness.
"Oh, God." I breathed, and wanted to hold Fred back, but he had already sighted his dead sister, letting out a heart-breaking wail and storming over to her.
I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and contempt at myself. Here I stood in a city destroyed by the army of the man I loved - in whose arms I lay while my family was suffering - and I still found that I did not hate him, nor did the longing in my heart ease.
While I helplessly stood beside my new horse, holding its reins in my hand and watching Fred holding his dead sister in his arms, crying over her, I heard another cry, a lighter one. "Gegina!"
I whirled around and saw Eva running towards me with her hands stretched out to me. She could not pronounce my name properly, but was always delighted to see me. Now I would have to keep Fred and Lisa out of her sight. She was far too young to see. "Eva, dear!" I let the reins fall from my hand and hurried towards her, taking her up in my arms. As I cradled her against my chest, I saw Marianne walking up to me, following Eva. "Marianne! I'm so relieved you're alive and well." I sighed with truly felt relief. I should appreciate my sisters more, that I realised now, seeing how it was to lose one. "Where is William? Mama and Papa?"
"They're all fine, I believe. At least, I have heard that they are safe at the Union's camp. And I have heard that Father has set a reward of thousands of dollars on the general of the Confederate's army."
I felt like punched in the stomach, but kept my cool. I was not allowed to show any emotion. "Since when are rewards set out on a soldier's head?"
"Since Papa decided so. He personally wants to kill Jasper Whitlock."
20th January 1863
But Jasper did not do anything! I was a witness of that. Those had been mercenaries!
Those are the words I want to scream out loud, but have to bottle up inside of me. I have to watch helplessly while the Union is planning a severe attack on Jasper's army, even though he had nothing to do with the attack on this city! How am I supposed to tell them, though?
I can't, and it drives me insane. I am quite out of my mind these days.... There is so much happening, I do not even know where to start. I believe this is the diary entry of a half-mad woman. But I will try my best to put it into order, maybe I will think clearer after I have written everything down that is on my mind at the moment.
Our house had been severely damaged, as was to be expected. However, it had not been irreparable, and within a mere few days, it was habitable again. So I am now sitting in my room as if nothing had ever been, as if Lisa had not died, as if I had never made love to the Confederate's general whose death is temporarily planned by my own father...
But I had intended to write more structured.
So after we had moved back into our house, buried Lisa and the city had been cleaned up, my father had immediately set to work on the plans for revenge. Revenge on a man who had nothing to do with these horrible homicides, the destruction of Hartville. I have to carefully phrase the possibility that it might have been mercenaries, or else, Jasper will certainly die... That I cannot let happen, not ever.
I had saved his life twice before, I would do it a third time.
23rd January 1861
It is a Sunday today, and I have been at mass just now. I could not focus on the prayers as usual, and I felt as if everybody knew what I had done, as if here before God everybody was revealed as what he truly was; in my case, that would be a treacherous whore.
I did not confess any sins today, for what should I have said? The truth was impossible, since I had my doubts about the absolute secrecy of priests, the seal of confession.
I would have to live with this burden forever, but I would carry it happily. The reward for it was too precious to regret the act...
It had been two weeks since I had said goodbye to Jasper for one last time, and I think my heart is still breaking. It must have been very grand to shatter into so many pieces - it is just too bad that I did not discover it sooner, for now no heart is of any use to me anymore. For I have lost my love.
4th May 1861
I see how spring is breaking out, and I myself still feel as if in deepest winter. I have hinted at my father and brother that it might have been mercenaries attacking Hartville, but they would not hear anything of it, too dogged in their contempt and hatred of Jasper and his men. How am I then supposed to get through to them, get their minds off my love?
I just wish to be united with him again, with no war to stand between us.
"Georgiana, darling. Are you alright? Ever since Lisa's death you seem so lifeless."
"It's nothing, Mama." At least, nothing to do with Lisa. "I am just a bit exhausted, that is everything."
"It is time we find you a husband. Marianne is so happily engaged to officer Hudson, you could find the same joy!"
That just showed again how little my mother knew of me, how little she understood her own daughter. If I would have to marry anyone now I swear I would end my life. I could never betray my own heart like that. "No, Mama. And I mean it. I do not want a husband."
"What do you imagine to do with you life, then? Live a life like a nun? We both know you would never survive the first day in a cloister."
"Indeed, as I would not survive the first day in a marriage." I rolled my eyes. "I enjoy my freedom, Mama, and I do not need a man to make me happy." In fact, I did, but I would never tell Mama.
"I will ride out, I will feel better then." I hurried out of the room before she could order me to take a servant or William with me. I had no desire to be accompanied, quite the contrary; I wanted nothing more but to be alone. On the way to the stables, I passed my father's empty office, the door standing open. Following an intuition, I entered and walked towards the table, where the strategies to strike were laid out. I somehow wished I could find a way to get these to Jasper so he would know what to expect... Tears stinging in my eyes, I ran out of the room and into the stables. I could always find comfort in Caesar, as I had named my horse. A true emperor he was.
I saddled him myself, since this had the advantage that I would not have to ride side-saddle. Ever since I had known how easy it was not to, I did without it as often as I could. This was one of the occasions.
As I rode through the forest, I desperately tried to think of a way of warning Jasper. How could I, though? He surely had moved on long since, and he could be at the other end of the country by now for all I knew.
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