Chapter 9
Happiness. Satisfaction. Shame. Anger.
Those feelings kept mixing inside of Jacob's body for several upcoming days. He tried to replay the movie inside of his head, but everything was a blur. He remembers being angry and flustered. He remembers the heat radiating from her body and surrounding his. He remembers her sweet scent and hot breath and smoothness of her skin. He tried to remember every curve and corner of her body, he tried to memorize the path from him to her until the cord connecting them broke into pieces.
He remembers feeling wrong and right at the same time, just as well as feeling lost and found. So many contradicting emotions, so little time to process them all.
It was like he was in some sort of a trans and when he shook the spell off he was so confused that he just ran.
He didn't fall asleep that night. He couldn't. Because she was on his mind. She was all over him. Under his skin, on his skin, in the corners of his mind he hadn't explored yet. She was in the wind and air and she occupied all of his senses, starting with smell and ending with touch. She was on his fingertips. Like he ripped a small part of her skin which stay glued on the tips of his fingers.
Love. He swallows the word. Is that what this is?
He never thought love could be so raw, so hungry, like an animal instinct.
There are many layers of love. Love is like water, it's transparent, and under it you can see all those pebbles and rocks and mud and yes, even new life. Love is more than a sugar rush or honey on ones lips. It's more than innocent kisses in a half lit hallway and stolen glances. It's more than words on paper, no matter how amazing those words are.
Love is something bigger than universe itself. It has nothing to do with knowledge or brilliance or wealthiness. Love is all of those things by itself and it doesn't choose its host by some number engraved on their brain.
Love chooses someone because it can see into their hearts.
It's tough and complicated and shattering, but it's worth it. People have died for love and so many lived for it. Some tried to trap it to use it for all of the worlds secrets and some treated it with respect.
Love is like a child, so innocent and gullible, it trust anyone with a heart without realizing she's probably the safest among the dead.
But love is anything but safe.
"You're not listening to me, are you?" Caroline's accusatory tone of voice shakes him out of his thoughts.
"Miss Forbes," he says smoothly. "Did you ever do anything extremely stupid?" He asks, his eyes still in a dreamy state.
"I befriended you, my lord." She says seriously.
Her comment makes him chuckle. "I believe this stupidity goes beyond friendship." His fingertips fly to his forehead to fix all of the creases that appeared on it.
His statement catches Caroline's attention. She put her tea cup back on the table and cocks her eyebrow in his direction. "Does this have to do anything with a certain brunette staying here?" She perks up.
I smile washes over his features. "Who else?" He says as if it's a given.
A wide grin appears on Caroline's face. "On a scale from your brother to your father, how idiotic was it?" She spits out.
This makes him chuckle. "Oh, I would say somewhere in between." He says through fits of laughter.
"So why did you do it then?" She wiggles her nose confused. It's not like Jacob to do idiotic things. Most of the times he thinks them through carefully, sometimes making his actions predictable since he always does the right thing, or at least tries to.
He frowns. "I have no idea. I wasn't thinking straight, I wasn't acting like myself, it was like someone else was controlling my body." He lets out an exasperated sigh.
She knows asking what he actually did would be too much. It's clearly private or otherwise he would have told her already. She knows when to not push her luck with his private matters.
"And her?" Caroline continues sipping her chamomile tea.
"I would never do anything without her consent." He furrows his brows.
"I know." Caroline waves him off with a smile, "But how does she feel now, afterwards?" She wants to help, but she also wants to satisfy her curiosity.
"I do not know." He answers wearily.
She almost spits her tea out. "You haven't talked to her?" she asks baffled. Untypical Jacob behavior. More typical for his brother.
"No." He emphasizes his answer by shaking his head.
Caroline hums for a few moments, making him stiffen in his seat before she openly asks. "Why her?"
"Why not her?" He asks.
"Oh, do not get me wrong." Caroline says in her defense, "I think she's an amazing woman, I really do. But there are far more accessible and available women and I have never seen you interested in any of them." She ponders on it while actually saying out loud. "Is that why? Is that your rebellion?" She asks, thinking of it as logical.
"No." Jacob says instantly, pretty sure in his answer, "I don't think that has anything to do with it."
She allows him to think about it some more before asking again, "Then why?"
"Because of who she is." He finally answers. "Why are any of the women I met any more special than she is? Because they have a title? Because there's a crown waiting for them when their elders die?" He makes a disgusted face. "Most of those women only want that. The title, the crown, to be somebody without actually trying to be somebody." His eyes light up. "And Elena is completely different."
He lets those words sink in before continuing.
"She's simply brilliant. She is strong, so strong, and smart, incredibly smart. Sometimes I believe she has answers to all of the questions that are bothering me. And while she acts tough most of the time, she's actually pretty scared, but never afraid to speak her mind. You see, she doesn't need a crown or a title to be somebody. No one does, but out of some reason everyone act like they do, like that's what defines importance of a person. It puts a price on you. She could have asked for anything, but she asked for nothing. And for that, I - "
He comes to a halt as he says those words.
"Love her?" she says it for him, even though she's just guessing.
"Just a little." He says, almost afraid of admitting it out loud.
She cracks a smile. "Do you think that's so wise?"
"Oh, absolutely not." His expression grows serious. "This is probably the unwisest things I could have done. And yet, it feels like best thing I ever did." He admits. "Falling in love with her is the greatest adventure I have been on so far, and it barely begun."
"Do you think she feels the same?" She chokes on those words. The last thing she wants is to see him heartbroken.
"One more thing I don't know." He confesses.
She scoffs. "So you don't love her because she's a forbidden territory, you love her because she's different." She states.
"I love her out of so many reasons there are no words good enough to explain."
That warms her heart. That makes her wish someone feels that way about her.
"Love seems complicated." She observes, not sure how to feel about it.
He laughs. "That it is." He admits. "Sometimes marrying you seems ideal."
She smiles as she brings her cup closer to her lips. "My lord, you wouldn't last a day married to me."
Her skin is cracking. There are million degrees outside and her skin is cracking under then sun like ground would under the pressure of weight it can't hold.
She's a cell. She's a vein without blood. She's a doll. She's a marionette. She's empty. She's full to the top. She has a voice. No one is listening. Her actions matter. No one is looking. She has feelings. No one cares. She's cold when fire starts burning only because it's unknown.
She's a person. She cries when no one is looking and she smiles when he wants her company. She wishes it was the opposite. She wonders would he still want her if he knew she cries.
She is strong but she wishes she could fly away. Someone cut her wings off. Or maybe they were never there.
She's a leaf and this storm has been awfully unkind to her. She misses the drizzle.
She learned a lot last week. She learned that not all touches leave scars. And that some hands can squeeze her flesh in a pleasurable way. She also learned that some lips are made out of fire and that not every fire burns. She learned the difference between pleasure and simple physical acts. She also learned that some people can be giving more than greedy.
And in the end she learned some people wear their hearts on the palms of their hands.
Because he was so careful with pressing his hands onto her body, and every time he did her own heart rate would become faster. At times she thought it's going to pierce through her chest.
"No." Jacob shakes his head lightly. "It is not comprihenseble, it's comprehensible." He corrects her.
She tries to repeat the word after him but fails.
He moves closer to her and her whole body trembles. He's close, so close, too close he shouldn't be this close but she wants him this close maybe even closer.
"Com-pre-hen-si-ble." He repeats, pointing at the word in the book.
He takes her breath away. Literally. Her lungs fight for air, but she only provides them with small doses. She's like an addict trying to stay alive after her vices being taken away from her.
Her insides are freezing, but her skin is burning.
"My lord, please." She says shyly. "I'm afraid you're sitting far too close."
He freezes in the spot before responding calmly. "I think I can manage."
"I believe you." She answers instantly, her voice jumping. "You see, though, I don't believe I can."
He slowly raises his look to her only to catch her eyes already in level with his.
"Your eyes." He gasps silently, like he made a relevant discovery.
"My eyes?" She asks confused, dizzy from him still being so close to her.
He eyes them carefully, those big two marbles, sometimes dark like chocolate, sometimes light like chestnut to match her hair. Under this light they're so brown, so gentle, with little specks of green in them.
And there's a whole new world hiding behind those eyes. Things you only find in fairytales.
He clears his throat with a cough. "Miss Gilbert," He knits his brows,."I wanted to apologize."
"Whatever for?" She asks teasingly because she knows exactly what for.
He doesn't let her get him sidetracked, though. "For the other day. It was - "
"Inappropriate?" She interrupts him and finishes his sentence for him.
He nods. "Among other things."
A small smile appears on her face, making the corners of her lips move upwards. "Most enjoyable things are."
Her words catch him off guard. "How do you do that? After everything you went through, how did you manage to stay so full of life?" He asks in wonder.
She sighs. "Horrible things happen. They will always happen. But somewhere in the middle life is beautiful and it makes you want to continue. Sometimes you find the reasons within you, sometimes you find them in others."
His hand moves slightly over hers and to both of their surprise she doesn't pull back. There's something reassuring about his hold on her. "How did you get so wise?" He smiles at her.
"I'm nobody." She takes her look off of him.
He takes her other hand in his as well and squeezes both of them with his fingers. "You're somebody to me. And you're so beautiful." He caresses her face with his eyes.
She blushes. "I am not." She disagrees with him.
"That's the thing, you don't even know how beautiful you are. Not just to me. To everyone around you."
She lifts her gaze to him and he notices her cheeks are completely red by now. "You're so strong as well."
"So are you!" She finally finds something to say in return.
"Not as much as you." He knits his brows together.
"I'm strong for myself, you're strong for million other people out there." She encourages him, "And you're doing an amazing job."
He smiles at her words and her whole world lights up.
"And there's nothing to apologize for." She adds, "You didn't do anything I didn't want you to do." More blush attacks her cheeks.
"Oh?" His smile becomes a little wider than he intended it to be.
"I know." She lowers her look again, but he puts his finger under her chin and makes her look him in the eyes. "I know feeling like this is wrong, impossible even, but I can't help it." smshe bites her lower lip.
"There's nothing wrong about it." He encourages her by telling the truth.
"Do you feel it as well?" She asks curiously.
"Feel what?"
"When you touch me I feel warm and cold at the same time. I feel like I'm falling apart and you're the only thing holding me together. My whole body tingles, like an itch I desperately want to scratch. Do you feel that way too? When you stop touching me, do you feel like someone ripped your lungs through your throat?" She asks, already knowing she will be disappointed if he says no.
"It's a little bit different for me." He says calmly. "When I touch you, I feel like you're the only thing keeping me alive, and when I stop, I feel like I want to die."
She was always afraid she won't recognize love once it comes because she doesn't know how it looks like. No one ever told her once it comes, you just know, because it wears a face of someone you have been dreaming of since you were born.