I tried to put a lot of effort into writing this chapter, and I can definitely feel it in my hands. But it was worth it. I know I left you guys with a cliffhanger last time and I wanted to give you what happened next. Hope you like it !
“I love you in the light.
I love you in the dark.
And my mind has been made up
Because you threw the sparks
That set my heart on fire.
And now the stars are falling from the sky.
They're on fire and fall straight into your eyes.”
—Invincible by Tonight Alive.
Chapter Ten – If At First You Don’t Succeed, Cry—And Then Try Again
“Fuck!” I screamed.
“Babe, you okay?” Greg asked me.
“God, no!”
All the frustration that had been accumulating over the past couple of weeks had finally gotten the best of me and before I had time to rethink my impulsive action, I had punched the nearest wall and had been rewarded with what felt like a broken hand.
“Calm down, Mackenzie. I’ll take you to the hospital, okay?” Greg said soothingly, already wrapping his arm around my shoulder and guiding me down the hall.
Since the day Caleb had shoved me towards Trevor’s room so that I could have a face-to-face conversation with him, Greg had been my most loyal companion, which was strange to say the least. When Trevor saw me standing outside his door and I had made the first move towards possibly repairing our broken relationship, he had taken a few seconds to recover from the shock of my presence and then had turned and sprinted in the direction from whence he came. Completely devastated by his rejection, I had slumped onto the ground in a pathetic heap and promptly erupted into a fountain of pitiful tears.
The surprise in the entire situation was that Greg was extremely sympathetic towards my plight.
Greg was the smooth-talking, man whore roommate that Trevor had mentioned once or twice, and the reason why he hated being in his room. And while I found that Greg was indeed a smooth-talking man whore, he was also—shockingly—a steadfastly devoted and compassionate partner, if you will. During the course of the past couple of weeks, he had kept me updated on Trevor’s every move, letting me know when he left the room and when he returned, where he went, if possible, and also supplied me with a bounty of useful information.
“Trevor likes pineapple and Canadian bacon on his pizza,” Greg had informed me a few days ago. “That’s the only way he’ll eat it. I usually bribe him with that to keep him out of the room when I have girls over.”
Gratefully accepting this tidbit of personal information, I had ordered a large pizza with pineapple and Canadian bacon and the words “I’m sorry” scrawled on the inside of the box lid, and had it delivered to Greg and Trevor’s room at a time when I specifically knew that Trevor was there. From what Greg had told me, Trevor had taken one look at the pizza and then marched out of the room with the box in his hand. When he had returned, the box was gone and then he took off.
Needless to say, his continuous rejection was extremely disheartening.
My latest attempt to coax Trevor into talking to me—I wasn’t even aiming for reconciliation at this point—involved a lollipop bouquet consisting of only root beer flavored lollipops because they were his favorite, along with a hand-decorated card on thick, fancy paper that bore the cheesy words “I hope these make you smile because you make me smile.”
However, I was not smiling now.
“I’m sorry that things aren’t going so well,” Greg murmured as he helped me into the passenger seat of his car and strapped the seat belt for me.
“It’s not your fault. You’ve been very helpful,” I assured him, cringing slightly as I tried to pat his shoulder with my injured hand. “That was stupid,” I muttered, switching hands and attempting to ignore the agonizing pain.
“Maybe,” Greg said slowly, “Trevor just… doesn’t want to talk to you.”
I blinked. “What?”
“Mackenzie, have you ever considered giving up? I wouldn’t blame you if you did. You’ve been through a lot and he hasn’t accepted any of your gifts or apologies. Maybe you should accept that you and he are never going to go back to the way you used to be.”
“You wouldn’t understand,” I grumbled. “I need to make things with Trevor better because it was all my fault, and therefore my responsibility. Plus,” I added softly, “I just don’t feel the same without him.”
Greg kept his eyes focused on the road, executing a left turn into the parking lot of the local hospital. I could see him trying to form an appropriate response that wouldn’t involve hurting my feelings but it didn’t matter. His words couldn’t pain me the way Trevor’s constant refusals to talk to me had.
“If you feel so strongly about the poor kid, why even hook up with someone else behind his back?” he asked me flatly.
“Caleb was offering me something uncomplicated,” I answered shortly. “I wasn’t ready to handle all the new emotions that came with being with Trevor. I didn’t think that there was someone who was capable of caring about me even when I was insufferable. I didn’t have to think or feel anything when I was with Caleb. He’s just a friend and he didn’t push me. It was the easiest thing to do at the time.”
Greg sighed as he parked the car.
“Babe, I’m going to keep helping you—but only because I see that you’ve clearly realized the error of your ways,” he told me sternly.
“You’re one to lecture about monogamy,” I said dryly.
“Hey, those girls know what they’re getting into,” he insisted. “I’m upfront about what I want and who I am. I make it known right away that I’m not after a relationship and our business is strictly physical, nothing more. That, my dear, is the difference between what I do and what you did.”
I glowered at him but unfortunately had no retort to offer because I knew he was right. There are many things that are considered acceptable and unacceptable and by most people’s standards, Greg was blatantly immoral. However, I was strongly of the opinion that what he did was his business and the way he conducted it was very straightforward and simple. It worked for him and he wasn’t hurting anyone; he hadn’t had a single conflict with any of the girls he had slept with, coming to him crying or demanding to know why he hadn’t called them back. He could screw as many people as he wanted, as long as no one got hurt, and so far no one had.
Grinning cheekily at me, he helped me out of the car and led me to the emergency room, where he made quick business of the paper work. If I had been like most of the people I knew, injuring my left hand wouldn’t have been a problem. But it just so happened that I was left-handed and thus incapable of writing anything. I wondered whether my professors would give me extensions on my assignments, considering that it would probably take me much longer to type.
We didn’t have long to wait before a nurse called my name and led Greg and I to an empty room. I made myself comfortable on the plush leather seat, annoyed at the sound of the crinkling paper. When I had gotten myself situated, I glanced at Greg sitting in a chair in the corner, tapping away at the screen on his phone.
“Trevor forgot his keys,” he muttered.
I resisted the urge to snort, thinking that it was not best to make fun of Trevor when I was desperately trying to make up with him, even though he wasn’t here to witness it. Instead, I settled on silence, letting my eyes wander around the room. Everything was familiar; I had been in a hospital recently, and I had been in a hospital often.
I brushed my fingers against the skin of my wrist lightly, even though that was not where my scars were. I was trying to be subtle while Greg was in the room. Despite how much he had helped me, I was not keen on divulging my entire life story. The less he knew about me that didn’t revolve around Trevor, the better.
A knock at the door startled me, causing me to drop my arms.
“Come in,” Greg called.
A middle-aged woman with wavy chestnut hair, warm eyes, and a kind smile entered the room, her gaze flickering from Greg to me as she discerned which of the two of us was in need of help.
“Well, what happened to you, my dear?” she asked me.
I smiled sheepishly. “I might or might not have punched a wall?” I offered.
“That’s enough to ruin anyone’s day, I’m sure,” she said sympathetically, moving closer. “May I?”
I carefully raised my left arm, easing my injured hand into her careful ones. She probed it gently with one hand, cradling it delicately with the other. I watched her, interested in what she was doing.
“I can’t say for certain without an X-ray, but it seems like your hand is broken,” she said after a few moments. “I’ll take you to the lab right away.”
I wiggled off the seat and followed her out the door, Greg close behind me. Neither of them were allowed into the lab with me but I could see them standing right outside the door through the little glass window.
“So I heard you punched a wall,” the X-ray technician commented, grinning. “Nice.”
I shrugged. “Not so nice now.”
After getting my X-rays done, we went back to the room and waited while they developed. The doctor’s guess was confirmed; my hand was broken. It took much too long to get my hand set in a cast and then even longer to get a prescription for pain medication, which I was only to take when necessary.
I don’t think I fancied becoming addicted to pain killers when I already had a severe drinking habit.
Greg drove us back to campus, grinning at the sight of me clutching my paper bag of pain medication. We walked back up to his room and I almost sighed in relief when I saw that Trevor was not waiting outside the door.
“I guess he decided to go hang around somewhere,” Greg said offhandedly.
“I guess.”
I headed straight for Greg’s bed and sat down, carefully leaning back until I was laying on it, keeping my left hand curled against my chest to keep it level. The entire day had been exhausting; finding root beer flavored lollipops was more difficult than you would think because they came in an assorted bag and I’d had to sort the root beer ones from the rest. I’d even had to purchase four bags in order to have enough to be able to make a bouquet.
“What are you going to do now, babe?” Greg asked.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I need to think of something else, something creative.”
“All of your attempts have been creative,” he pointed out.
“Not creative enough, apparently,” I muttered. “I’ll think of something. For now, I’m just going to go to bed.”
“Go to bed?” Greg repeated. “At… eight fifteen?”
“Yes,” I replied firmly. “Bed. You know, the only thing that will always be there for me.”
“You sleep way too—”
Greg’s chastising was cut off by the sound of the door knob turning. I whipped my head around to gawk at him, the beginnings of a full-blown panic attack starting to set in. Trevor was back and I didn’t even have anything to try and placate him with!
The door opened and I quickly sat up, still searching for something to get me out of ths awkward situation.
Unfortunately, it couldn’t be avoided.
Trevor walked in, took one look at me, and said, “I’m out.”
I don’t know what came over me. Maybe it was the thought of having to watch him walk out on me again when I had tried so hard to make things better between us. Maybe it was that nagging feeling that because he was someone I didn’t want to lose for good, I had to keep trying. Whatever it was, I found myself on my feet and I didn’t even care that Greg was still in the room to bear witness to my utter and passionate humiliation.
“Trevor Hawthorne!” I cried. “You come back here this instant!”
He paused, frozen in shock at my sudden outburst.
“Don’t you dare walk away from me again!” I threatened. “You had better turn around and look me straight in the face when I’m talking to you!”
I was surprised that he did as I asked. Now facing me, his expression was blank.
“I don’t know what it’s going to take for you to understand how sorry I am,” I breathed, my voice desperate and hoarse. “I’ve tried everything—ordering you your favorite pizza, sending you a bouquet of your favorite root beer flavored lollipops—which was really hard by the way! I had to buy four bags and sort them!” I held up my left hand to showcase the awful blue cast that was currently encasing it. “I broke my fucking hand today because I punched a wall!”
“You punched a wall?” Trevor repeated incredulously.
“Yes! Because I’ve been so frustrated and stressed out about how you won’t accept any of my apologies or gifts, all of which were extremely personal and took a lot of effort to put together!” I snapped. “God, if you know anything about me, you should know that I never try this hard. I usually let people go.”
“Then why haven’t you let me go?” he demanded.
“I care about you, that’s why!” I replied, embarrassed that I had to admit this for him to understand.
“Since when do you care about me?” he retorted. “You were hooking up with Caleb behind my back the whole time when you knew how I felt about you!”
“I was scared, okay?” I ran my fingers through my hair with my good hand, sighing. “The last person I let in was using me for a bet. He had bet with his friends that he could get me to sleep with him before a certain deadline. He didn’t succeed so he broke up with me and then I overheard him talking with his friends.” I looked Trevor straight in the eye. “I gave up Yale, Trevor. I cut myself—too many times to count. I’ve been in the hospital more times than is normal for one person, especially at my age. I drink like a grown man and swear like a sailor and yet you chose to fight for me anyway. I didn’t realize how much I appreciated and liked that about you, that you gave me a chance when most people didn’t. I’m really, truly, deeply sorry for everything, and if you tell me right now that you never want to see me again, I’ll walk out of this room and I won’t bother you again.”
I sucked in a large gulp of air at the end of my speech, not having realized that I had said everything without taking so much as a sip of oxygen. Breathing heavily, I stood there, waiting for him to say something—anything.
I watched him struggle. I could see a wide range of emotions flashing across his face as he debated internally with himself. I didn’t know which decision he wanted to make and which one he thought was more practical. I didn’t even know which he considered what. All I wanted was for him to tell me that we would work through this and eventually, we would be back to the way we were before.
Finally, he looked me dead in the eye and I watched his lips form two words.
“Get out.”
I stared at him, disbelieving.
“W-what?” I stuttered, not believing my ears.
“Get out,” he repeated harshly.
I turned my head to look at Greg, who looked equally stunned. I didn’t think he was expecting Trevor to make this decision, either.
Fighting to keep back tears, I raised my chin bravely.
“Fine.”
I strode quickly towards the door, brushing past him slightly. My hand on the door knob, I turned around to acknowledge Greg.
“Thank you for everything,” I said quietly.
I gazed at Trevor’s back one last time then opened the door and walked out, determined to never look back or return to that room or building ever again. I kept walking until I got to my own building and my own door. Unable to face Vivian at that moment, I crossed to the opposite wall and slid down until I sank onto the floor.
Hugging my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them, I hung my head and cried noiselessly, not wanting anyone, especially Vivian, to hear me.
I cried for everything that I had been through—for being led on by a boy that I thought loved me, for being dumped because I hadn’t put out, for being just another bet in a series of bets, for all my cuts and scars and tears, for my hospital visits, for the parents that were extremely disappointed in my life choices, for every bottle of alcohol I had ever consumed, and for every person I had pushed away who had ever tried to care.
I cried for the boy with the beautiful red hair and green eyes because he was the one that mattered more than all of that, because he was the one that cared about me and I had completely betrayed his trust.
And above all else, I cried for myself.
As my sobs eased into quiet sniffles and the tears slowed to a trickle, I placed a hand over my chest.
Very faintly, I heard the sound of my heart breaking.
Now it seems like the song doesn't fit with the ending, but at the same time, it kind of does. Mackenzie's a strong person. I can't believe Trevor actually told her to get out. I hadn't planned to write it that way. I originally intended for him to forgive her after he saw that she had broken her hand. I hope no one is too disappointed or sad !
Much love,
Elizabeth <3