Date: April.8.2013
Intro: My blowing off some steam in physics.
Tone: Angry/ Frustrated
I realize a lot of things. I noticed that I say 'realize' more than I should and I know that I'll say it again and I'll probably not replace the word any time soon so here it goes.
I thought about my relationship with Jean and this weekend I pretty much ignored her, yet again. She wants to talk to me. I talk to her. We have a short conversation and then she tries again hours later. It's annoying. It's like, she leaves the conversation and then restarts it. It angers me as well to see her in class just sleeping or talking. Then, she comes over to me and expects me to tell her the answers. That... Right.. there- is against my morals. How is that supposed to help you learn in the end? I'm not going to completely change my attitude because I'm your boyfriend. Some guys might but if you're looking for one of them I'm not one of them.
It frustrated me. I asked myself, "Why am I going out with someone who annoys me in the first place?" But then my relationship with Lily pushed up the question that motivated me to go out with Lily which was, "What is i about her that everyone likes? She's taking my spotlight. This girl is breathing my air." That's not what i thought exactly but Jean frustrates me and Lily made me jealous so what those two share is being what I don't like to be.
Jean is lazy at school. I can't stand just sleeping through class. Jean wants to spend tons of time with me but I like distance. She wants to display our affection in public but doesn't know how. She gets embarrassed easily and I don't want to display our relationship in public but I know how to if I want to. We're both Asian but she's half white. I don't mean ti discriminate half breeds verses pure breeds but I've always had this weird dominate thought in my head that pure breeds are better. Jean's half white side walked out of her life at a young age. She lives with her father and he's not there normally anyway so she hasn't really grown up with guidance. Her did tells get to do good in school but she hasn't been taught to manage her time. Shoot! I can't even do it correctly but I've caught myself pretty much parenting her. As O.C.D as I am... When I went to her house the first time I freaked slightly. She had to do something from her dad and I asked her id she wanted to help but she saiid no so I went inside to hang out. I ended up cleaning her car and then washing the dishes. I was so close to cleaning up the crud on the stove but then she asked me what I was doing and I remaindered her that I was O.C.D. We left the house after that.
I feel like a hypocrite. My rooms really bad too. It's weird. I'm willing to help clean someone else's property but I can't stand cleaning mine.
My birthday party is soon. It's this saturday. We're going paintballing but I couldn't go with my normal crew because they work or have Nation Honor Society, Haha, I was in the top ten percent semester but I've probably dropped this semester because I've done really bad in English III Duel Credit.
I feel like this is all of the anger that's left in me for right now.
Conclusion: This helped me think through my relationship with Jean. I've come so close to breaking up with her. We haven't even gone out for a month but I can see how staying with her improves her. I have yet to say, "I love you" in a sentimental way. She's a fun friend but I don't know about being a girlfriend.