Twenty Two
Despite feely incredibly comfortable, I was sad to wake up in a different bed, next to a different person. I had grown so accustomed to my side of Caden's bed, to falling asleep with him trying to cuddle me until I grew sick of it and needed to stretch my limbs, and to waking up in the morning with his hands somehow on me again, sneaking their way onto my body in the middle of the night.
But, I guess I hadn't felt that in the past two weeks anyway. Everything about that room felt cold, including Caden and his bed. It was then that I realized how much I actually loved his persistent arms and his breath tickling the back of my neck as he slept.
I turned to my side to find Brax sleeping on his stomach, tucking both hands underneath his pillow. His long hair covered a part of his face.
I stared at him for a while and then checked my phone. There were no more calls from Caden, so I assumed that Jackson made it to the apartment soon after the call and updated him on my whereabouts. Knowing Jackson, he probably wrestled the phone away from his brother and forced him to talk to him instead.
I looked at the time and groaned. We needed to get up soon if we were going to make it to first period on time. Turning to Braxton, I reached over and pinched his nostrils together, holding my fingers there until he took a deep breath and frantically opened his eyes. I grinned and pulled my hand away, hiding under the covers to avoid my not-so-happy sleepover buddy.
Braxton pounced and wrapped the comforter around me tighter as punishment, leaving me to suffocate under the covers just as I had pinched his nose shut earlier. I screamed underneath the thick fabric, kicking my legs out at him, and begged for forgiveness. Finally letting go, he stood up and grabbed clothes from his drawers.
Brax showered first while I looked through his clothes for something acceptable to wear. I didn't have time to stop by my house and change, so I had to settle for one of his old basketball t-shirts from freshman year and a pair of matching sweatpants. I had no idea why he still had the clothing in his drawer because there was no way this stuff still fit him. I knew both pieces would be baggy on me, while the sweats would probably come up to Brax's shins if he tried them on.
Not long after he left, Brax came back into the room in a t-shirt and pair of jeans. He had tied his hair to the top of his head to avoid wetting it. I did the same to mine and went to take a quick shower as well. When I finished, I pulled the clothes on and examined myself in the bathroom mirror. The shirt was oversized, hiding the curves of my upper body, and the sweats were a little long, dragging against the floor. I rolled the band once to lift them up slightly and left the bathroom to find Braxton again.
He was in the kitchen, pouring two bowls of cereal. I smiled and eased myself onto a stool. Braxton slid one bowl over to me and walked across the room to grab utensils. He tossed the spoon into the air, and I caught it effortlessly. We ate mostly in silence. If I thought I was a fast eater, I was nothing compared to Brax who could empty a bowl in less than three minutes. I don't know why he even grabbed a spoon for himself when he just tilted the bowl against his mouth and gulped down the cereal. I found myself rushing to keep up with him. After bringing my plate to the sink, I stepped toward Braxton and hugged him.
He stumbled slightly, probably not expecting it, and then wrapped his arms around me. I smiled, my cheek pressed against his chest, and tightened my arms.
"Thank you," I whispered. I was grateful to have a friend who let me spend the night without asking many questions.
"Anytime, weirdo." He pulled away from me and ruffled my hair, smiling down at me in the process. I scowled and ducked away from his arm.
We drove to school in separate cars. My car was here anyway, and I didn't want to depend on Brax to drive me back to his house to pick it up later. Though, I wasn't sure if I'd be spending another night somewhere else. My mind hadn't planned that far ahead. Instead, I was trying my best to keep my mind off of Caden and all that was said.
I had this awful feeling that maybe Caden could be right. Maybe I had no right to talk about mothers and what it meant to lose them when I never had a real mother to begin with. I never knew what it felt like to be loved by one, so maybe I could never understand what it meant to lose that love. Maybe it didn't matter that in my eyes, I had still suffered a loss. When you lose a mother, at least you are reminded of her love when you do miss her, at least you have a comforting memory when you feel alone.
I had lost my mother a long time ago, and that was all I ever had. No love. No memories. The only thing that accompanied her loss was a series of questions, with the two prominent ones always being: Why couldn't you stay, and was I really that awful?
I pushed those thoughts away as we pulled into the school parking lot. Brax and I managed to find two parking spots close to each other. He waited for me by the end of the lot and we walked through the halls together, toward my locker where I knew Cass would be waiting. My outfit did not go unnoticed by my classmates. Several eyes glanced at us and eyed Braxton's clothes on me.
I groaned, and Braxton placed his arm over my shoulder, pulling me into his side.
"Dee, are you embarrassed to be with me? You spend the night in my bed but can't be seen in the halls with me?" I could hear the grin in his voice. Unlike me, Braxton couldn't give a shit what people thought about him, and I was jealous of him for it.
"Shut up, idiot," I said, elbowing him. He laughed and pulled me in closer.
Just then, as luck would have it, Dustin walked by us. His eyes were glued to mine for a moment, and then they stared at Braxton's arm around my shoulders and the lack of distance between our bodies. They lingered over my clothing before looking up at me again. He glared, and for a second, I was afraid that he'd approach us and do something stupid. I let out a small breath when he looked away and passed by us, continuing his conversation with a friend.
Brax gave my shoulder a small squeeze. "I really don't like the way Dus acts anymore."
I nodded, clearing my throat. Luckily, we made it to my locker shortly after. Cassie looked up from her phone and saw us approaching.
"No fair. I've been asking you for one of your shirts for years, dickhead."
Cassie scowled at Braxton, causing me to laugh. I walked over to my locker, opening it, and listened to them bicker in the background.
"Cass, you have like five of my fucking shirts and a hoodie. My favorite hoodie, you thief."
Cass pursed her lips and broke into a grin shortly after. "Where's your proof?"
"Probably somewhere in your closet."
"Well, until you have some definite proof, I'm innocent."
Shortly after, we all went our separate ways. I dreaded going to first period. It was a constant reminder that Caden was back at the apartment, laying in that bed. Day after day, we had crappy subs who did their best trying to review our material. Sometimes, the other biology teachers who taught the non-AP classes stepped in and taught some of the material, but most of the time, we worked on exercises and talked amongst ourselves for the entire block. I mostly stayed distracted, thinking back to Caden and what he was doing.
The worst part was listening to all of my nosey classmates gossip about his absence. Some thought he was sick, some thought he was on some secret vacation, others thought he was planning on quitting, and some correctly guessed that someone had died. But I swear, when he did come back, if anyone acted on their curiosity and prompted him to explain his absence, I'd pounce on them before they could even finish their question.
I walked into first period expecting another sub. I was actually hoping it would be the old man from the first day of class. He was nice, leaving us to ourselves, and he always brought a snack that he secretly shared with me.
I was one of the last students inside, entering just as the bell sounded through the speaker. I looked up from my phone, but there was no old man. I nearly tripped over my feet when I saw Caden standing at his desk, trying to organize stacks of papers that had piled over the two weeks. His head was still down, filing through the papers, and I used the opportunity to observe him.
He wasn't in his normal school attire. He wore a t-shirt from his undergraduate school, jeans, and sneakers. His hair, though longer and curlier than usual, was neat. He also trimmed his beard to its usual length. To others, he looked like the same Caden, but he couldn't fool me.
My heart pounded in my chest as he abruptly lifted his head, his eyes immediately landing on me, as if he knew where I'd be in the room. I stood there like an idiot, unable to move, unable to believe that he was actually standing in front of me. It had to be my eyes playing some trick on me. Once I blinked, he'd be gone and the old man would be back in his place, munching on his bag of trail mix.
But Caden didn't go away. Instead, I watched as he looked over my outfit, his eyes scanning over every inch of me. I was somewhat sure that he could recognize my outfit as Braxton's and understand that it was no big deal, but I suspected that my outfit served as a reminder of what transpired between us the day before.
He cleared his throat and sat behind his desk, turning his gaze to my classmates.
"I hope the subs weren't too easy on you all," he said, smiling.
"I think the subs were more lost than we were," someone said, causing others to laugh.
"What material did you cover?" Caden asked.
I slowly made my way to my seat, keeping my eyes on the floor. I knew he wasn't looking in my direction anyway.
"Alright, I guess we'll start at the beginning of the chapter." He turned on his projector and displayed his PowerPoint slides on the board. I made it to my desk and paused before sitting down, noticing the small Hershey's bar on my desk. My head snapped in Caden's direction, knowing that he could be the only person who left it there. No one knew it was my favorite sweet except for Cass, Braxton, my dad, and Dustin.
Fuck. Please no. Let it be someone else.
It couldn't be Cass. If she was going to leave me anything, she'd just stick it in my locker since she knew the combination. It also couldn't be Braxton since I had been with him all morning, and it didn't make sense for him to give me it now. For obvious reasons, it couldn't be Dad. That left Caden and Dustin, the guy I had avoided last night and the guy I was trying to avoid for the past two months.
I slid into my seat and looked over at Caden, hoping that he'd make eye contact with me, but he didn't. He focused on the class notes, flipping through lecture slides and talking through them with the class. He didn't spare me a single glance. In fact, when his eyes moved to my side of the room, they glossed over me so quickly that I couldn't even make out which shade of green they were today.
If he had given me the chocolate, as some sort of truce or apology, why was he avoiding me now?
I spent the rest of class debating the identity of my Hershey-chocolate donor. I would have been better off with a sub trying to teach this lecture instead of Caden. Whenever I looked over at him in a genuine attempt to learn, my mind wandered to last night, and to the past two weeks, and to the stupid block of chocolate sitting on the corner of my desk.
When the bell rang, I resisted the urge to bolt out of the room. Instead, I took my time gathering my things and soon regretted it. In the middle of packing up my textbooks, I heard Caden's voice in the background.
"Ms. Reynolds, can I please speak with you for a moment?"
I nodded, keeping my head down as I waited for my classmates to leave the room. When they did, I walked over to his desk and stood several feet away from him.
"Was the chocolate from you?" I asked, lifting it up for him to see.
He nodded and crossed his arms over his chest. "I was hoping you'd come to class early. It was meant to be the icebreaker before my apology."
I stayed silent and looked down at the chocolate bar.
He sighed, and I felt him step a little closer.
"I'm sorry, Diem. What I said, it wasn't right. You didn't deserve it, and I didn't mean it."
"You didn't?"
"Of course not. Diem, I-"
"So, you didn't say it on purpose? You didn't say it because you knew it would hurt and that I would leave?"
He looked away from me and ran his hands over his face, which hinted at the answer I already knew. Even if he didn't mean the substance of his words, he meant to say them. He meant to hurt me, and he meant to push me away. And it worked. Of course, not forever, and I'm sure that's not what he wanted anyway. He wanted me gone temporarily, and he used my vulnerability to make it happen, just so he could avoid his own vulnerability. He didn't want me to see him at his lowest point, and now I understood why. When you show people your weakness, they can, and will, eventually use it against you.
Which only leaves one question: what do you do about it?
I still wasn't sure. So I asked another question instead.
"What made you come in today?" I asked.
He smiled slightly to himself, and a small laugh pushed through his nose. "Jackson dumped a bucket of ice water on me. Told me he had the day off and plenty of buckets if he needed them."
I smiled, "He's just trying to help."
"I know," he said, nodding, "and so were you. I know that now, and I knew it then. I just wasn't ready to hear it, and I'm still not. I'm not ready for a lot of things." He took a step toward me and reached for my hand. "Jackson told me that you called him, that you were still looking after me even after what I said."
"Did you think I wouldn't?"
"I wouldn't blame you if you stopped."
I looked up at Caden, squeezing his hand, and said what was true. "I can't stop."
The stupid idiot got me to care about him, against my better judgment. I had foolishly developed feelings for someone I couldn't be with, and now I couldn't stop caring, despite him hurting me. I guess I was starting to understand why it was so hard for Dad to leave: he still loved her enough to stay, and it was only his love that kept the marriage going for years.
I couldn't become my dad, not in this way at least. I couldn't give all of me to another relationship just to suffer the disappointment of it failing like all the others.
What would be left of me?
Caden smiled and pulled me into a hug, and I let him, despite my brain telling me to pull away. My brain screamed his words back at me, reminding me of how deep each word had cut into me, and yet I sank into his arms—the arms that I didn't wake up to this morning.
My eyes wandered over to his classroom door. I wasn't sure if there was another class after ours, but if there was, students would be filing in any minute now. Caden's arms wrapped around me, and his face buried in my neck, could not be explained away.
"Will you be coming home tonight?" he asked, his eyes looking over my outfit again.
"Do you want me there?"
He nodded, stepping closer to me again. "Every night."
Every night except last night, I almost said. The opportunity to resume the fight was there. The words were right on my tongue, and I felt the pain everywhere else. I could have made him feel worse for how he treated me, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I suspected that he already hated himself for it.
"I'll be home," I said.
But, first, I needed to go to the store and find an apology dessert of my own. I looked down at my Hershey bar and smiled to myself. Strawberry mochi, it was.