I want to tell you a story. A story of a heartbreaking and destructive illness. A story of a girl and her battle with anorexia. She doesn’t know how it started or why. But it did happen, and it happened to her. She was in her teens and she had already been suffering a history of self-harm, overdoses and drinking too much. However, she remained the quiet, sensible girl in the corner of the room who no one ever noticed. She never really did like herself.
She had her good moments of course, where everything is perfect and rosy. When her friends and family surrounded her. She smiled, laughed, and enjoyed and embraced life. She let go of all the imperfections in her world. For a few perfect moments she was happy, even if it only lasted for a moment. She was a bright girl and let no one down. So what went wrong?
She felt things were happening too fast. She was soon to be sitting her GCSE’s meaning she was no longer a child. She was now entering the big wide world, and it scared her. She would fail her exams, like she failed everything in life. She wasn’t confident, she had little self-esteem, did anyone truly like her? Did they all think the same as her, was she a failure?
She decided to prove everyone wrong. She was determined to be rid of the title “troubled girl.” The girl who got drunk at school. The girl who took an overdose. She wanted to show people that she was strong; she had total control over her life. She wanted to show them that she was better, she was happy, she was perfect.
So she decided to do the very thing that soon would put her life in danger. She didn’t know how far it would go of course. Just an innocent diet. Lose those few extra pounds. Look radiant, feel radiant, and be radiant. Why should weight loss show the world that she was happy? To show she had self-control? Or maybe she wanted to feel better about herself. She’s still looking for the answer.
But it didn’t start as any other diet. She took it too far. She wanted to lose weight too fast and the only way she could think of doing this was by starving her body. She began to exercise and restricted herself to only one meal a day. She was going to lose weight for going back to school, then stop. Return to normal eating and carry on as normal. Or so she thought. Little did she know that she was letting an unwelcome visitor into her life. A visitor that would turn her life upside down, destroy her inside and out, tearing away every last strip of her being.
As the days went by, the numbers on the scale decreased. Only slightly at first, so she increased her persistence. More exercise, less food. The visitor was now making itself comfortable in her body, taking over her thoughts. She was unaware of this of course. The visitor soon turned into a friend who whispered lies in her ear. It told her that she was fat and if she ate she would get fatter. If only she stays away from food, making sure she becomes thin. By not eating, she was in-control. She was soon to be the most perfect, superior person in the world.
As the weeks passed by, she was losing weight even faster. Unaware, the demon inside her grew stronger. When she did challenge the demon and eat, it would scream at her. It overwhelmed her with the feeling of guilt and told her she was a failure, a bad person and she had no self-control. However in reality, she was becoming weak. The demon was now taking control. It made her do things that she believed would make her a better person. It forced her into the bathroom, where it made her place her fingers at the back of her throat, and bring back the small amount of food she had eaten. It gave her a false realisation that she was strong, and that by restricting and losing weight she was a perfect human being.
Still unaware of her new friend, she carried on with her destructive behaviours in secret. Little did she know that the thing taking over her body and her mind was an eating disorder. It was not only destroying her emotionally, but also destroying her physically. She spent her days in school walking around in a daze. She had no energy and had constant headaches and dizziness. Her mind was constantly on food, calories and exercise. She had no time for her friends or her schoolwork. Her grades were slipping and she detached herself from the people around her. So much for showing the world that she was ‘better.’
She doesn’t remember the moment she first detected the voice. But it got more apparent and more demanding of her. She spent all her time alone, exercising, calorie counting and lived off very little food. She realised that things weren’t right. She felt hunger constantly, and although she wanted to eat, she couldn’t. She would cry for hours, wishing she could take a bite. But the voice in her head was now too strong. She was its helpless puppet on strings. The eating disorder now had claimed her.
The weight shredded off her and she had already lost her periods. When she looked in the mirror all she saw were rolls of fat. Her family had become worried. They could see and feel her bones and she let no one touch her. She was no longer the happy-go-lucky girl. She was now a pale, depressed, ill-looking child who was fading away fast.
Her eating disorder now had a name: anorexia. Anorexia was a bubble in which she hid. It kept her save from the outside world. She no longer worried about the other issues in her life that troubled her before. It was her and the illness, sharing the same body. Nothing felt real anymore. People spoke to her but she didn’t hear them, not really. She was too focused on her internal battle.
“Have you had dinner today?” her parents would ask. “Yes a sandwich at school.” She would lie. Of course it wasn’t her lying; she wanted to tell the truth. However, anorexia was in charge now, and it would not let anyone know the truth. No way could the girl have even dared to share their secret. If they knew she would be made to eat and she would get fat.
Anorexia made her feel invincible and unstoppable. As if no one in the world could harm her. Unfortunately, she was harming herself. Although it wasn’t apparent in the beginning, she was starting to identify the voice and the fact that she didn’t have control, like she had thought she had. She had lost interest in all the things she used to enjoy. She stopped going out with friends, stopped caring about her schoolwork and her need to be smiling and happy.
Her body was eating itself and was starving and thriving on very little. Because she was depressed and had very little energy, she was missing a lot of school. She lost all connection with the real world. She stayed in her room alone. Although she was passing out from the lack of energy, she kept up her exercise regime. A few hundred crunches, a couple of hours on the rowing machine and a bit of yoga if she was lucky. The psychologist soon diagnosed anorexia. Yet she still didn’t believe it.
Her scales where taken away from her, and exercising machine banned from the house. Anorexia used her to fight with her parents. It swore, shouted and it screamed. Of course she wanted none of this. She knew she was ill and she wanted to get better. But by now anorexia was in charge. She was getting weaker as the illness got stronger. Her mum used to cry for her daughter, she wished she were stronger to fight it.
Her GCSE’s came and past. She hardly gave them a second thought. Anorexia filled her head with thoughts of food and calories. She felt empty, yet consumed by her illness. She had decided to give up. She was letting anorexia take her, destroy her and ultimately kill her. And that’s when the day came. The weekend she will always remember, where everything changed and she had to make a life changing decision. A decision that would not only affect her, but everyone around her. The ones who loved her and so desperately wanted to save her. The ultimate choice to live or to die.
She went to therapy as usual. Prepared with all the usual lies that anorexia had lined up and blurted out. “Everything is fine. I’ve been sticking to my meal plan and no exercise. I’m getting better.” But nothing prepared her for the shock that was to come as she stepped onto the scales at the eating disorders clinic. “You have dangerously lost more weight. Your life is at risk. We’re sending you to the hospital for the weekend.”
She was summoned to a lonely hospital bed in which she was not allowed to participate in any exercise what so ever. Of course when no one was looking anorexia would make her get out of bed and do star jumps, jogging on the spot and power walking up and down the corridors on the lonely children’s ward.
A meeting was arranged. Her parents, psychologists and a dietician. They discussed the girl’s situation. Her anorexia and reluctance to eat, resulting in her constant weight loss. “It would be in your best interest to stay in a unit. A place where you will be on best rest and the nurses will feed you and there you will gain weight.” She felt sick with shock. It had terrified her. She was not going to be put into a clinic. She felt angry. Angry with anorexia for taking over her life, and angry with herself for letting it. She was mentally and physically exhausted. Anorexia was killing her. She had reached as far as she would go. She wanted to live.
She sat motionless on her hospital bed. Could she really find the strength to fight back and beat the illness? No one had faith in her. No one believed she was strong enough. However, something in her had changed. She was not going to sit back and let her life be taken away from her, at only 16. She gained the motivation and will power to fight back and she was gifted with the determination to win. She and her parents knew that it would be a hard, long battle. With a lot of tears, pain and setbacks but they knew if they stuck together, they would get through it. They, together, were stronger than anorexia. They decided to work as one to free the girl of her demon.
Meal plans were typed up and agreed to. They had the support from the psychologists and dietician. Her parents were not going to let her fall. They took control over how much and what the girl ate. However, anorexia did not want to let go of her. It fought her, made her cry, and made her feel like jumping off the nearest bridge. But she held on. With the support and love from her family, with her own newfound motivation and new outlook on life, she held on.
She is so glad and proud of herself that she did. As the days go by, the more she eats, the more weight she regains, the more her mind catches up. Anorexia is fading. It’s still there. Oh how it’s still there, lurking in the shadows ready to jump out at any moment. She will never be totally free. It has left its stain on her soul. In the recovery process, she has developed an obsession with cleanliness. Everything has to be just so, perfect and straight. Her room is spotless. So neat and controlled. Everything lined up to perfection. She has to have order in her life.
Anorexia is still there, and it calls to her and tells her that without it, she is out of control. Oh yes, the anorexic thoughts and feelings are still present. But she is learning to silence them. She feels different now. Happier and more confident. She is learning to love and accept her body. Of course she has down days. Days where she stands at the edge of her eating disorder and contemplates jumping off. Surrendering once more to the illness. But she doesn’t. She’s stronger now and everyday she gains more strength and motivation. She’s looking to the future. She has ambitions, goals and dreams.
She’s prepared for slip ups of course. It’s all part of recovery and it proves that she is recovering. She knows that anorexia will always be a part of her. It’s something she has to learn to accept and contain. Things aren’t over yet. The story carries on; this isn’t the ending.