BB stayed me with the next morning while I called my doctors to schedule some appointments. After breakfast, she left to get ready for work with the promise to be back tomorrow to take me to my appointment. I tried to fight her on it, but she insisted, and I can't exactly deny her anymore without coming off as suspicious.
The moment I texted Dakota the all clear she was down here in seconds. She didn't talk to me at first, just going around the house cleaning and taking out her waste from the attic. By her movements, I could tell she was pissed. Her jaw was clenched and she was laser-focused on the task at hand, her hand pushing her nonexistent hair back.
I watched her in silence before she finally turned to face me.
"Good morning," I broke the ice.
"When is she coming back?" she asks me.
"Tomorrow, she's going to take me to my appointment."
"Are you two back together now?"
Before I can answer she goes on.
"Did she kiss you? Did you kiss her? Did you have sex with her? Did she touch you!?" her voice gradually getting louder and louder, as she walked closer and closer to me until my back was against the wall.
I stared at her, waiting for my turn to talk.
"Answer me!" she shouted.
I flinched.
"No. We are not back together, we did not kiss or touch each other." I say.
"I don't believe you! I know she slept in the same bed as you!"
"Dakota calm down," I say calmly, despite my speeding heart.
"Don't tell me to calm down!"
"You are overreacting, all we did was talk. I hardly even slept last night."
She wraps her hands around my throat and slams me against the wall. Her eyes are crazed and she looks to be at her limit. Her chest rises and falls dramatically as tears fill her eyes.
"I don't want her coming over here anymore. I don't want her spending the night and holding you in her arms. She's not allowed here anymore," She squeezes my throat.
"Are you going to kill me if I don't agree?" I ask her calmly.
"You're mine!" she shouts.
I take a deep breath and grab her hands in mine, slowly prying them from my throat. She sobs and looks down, avoiding eye contact.
"We aren't doing this again," I say to her. "If you are going to act like this every time someone comes over, you are going to need to find another place to stay."
She cries, her hands trembling in my own.
"Dakota look at me," I say.
She sobs, unable to meet my gaze.
"Dakota."
She forces herself to look up then.
We lock eyes for half a second before she looks down again. I grab her chin and force her to look at me.
"We aren't doing this again, do you understand?" I say calmly.
She swallows loudly and nods, tears still streaming down her face.
I slowly wrap my arms around her and just hold her. She sobs into my shoulder her body shaking like a leaf in my arms. I rest my head against hers and just hold her.
"I'm sorry," she sobs.
"You get yourself all worked up," I sigh. "BB and I didn't do anything. I don't want to be with her Dakota, I want to be with you. But if you are going to act like that... then this won't work. We aren't going back to that time. We can't. I can't. I refuse to live like that ever again."
She just sobs and sobs.
"When you feel like that, you need to talk it out. I know you are angry at the world Dakota. I know you hate that you are in this situation, but you put yourself here. You killed Antonia, you escaped prison. You have to live like this now. This is your bed to lie in. Not mine. I won't isolate myself just to be with you."
"Okay," she cries.
"Okay, so talk to me." I pull back and hold her at arm's length. "Why did that make you so upset? Why does BB being here make you so angry?"
"Because!" she says.
"Because what? Use your words."
"Because! You love her. You can be with her whenever, wherever. While I'm stuck here. I'll go to prison again and you'll be with her again. She wants to marry you and I know you want to marry her too. She can give you what I can't. She can provide for you, and protect you, I can't. I want to but I can't," she sobs.
"If I wanted to be with Bernida, I'd be with her right now. I don't want to be with her anymore Dakota. Look around, look at where we are. You aren't the only one stuck Dakota. Because I've chosen you, we are both stuck now. If you get caught, so do I. If you go back to prison, I go with you this time. We are in the same boat. While it's true that she can provide for me, she can't protect me. No one can. This trauma I'm dealing with, these battles I'm facing, are mine alone. No one can protect me from the fear and pain I feel."
"From the pain I inflicted upon you," she says softly.
"Yes, from the trauma you put me through."
She looks at my eyes then.
"From the trauma you continue to put me through daily," I add.
She opens her mouth to say something but no words come out, more tears fill her eyes and she looks down again, ashamed of her previous actions.
"I've decided I'm not going to let the trauma win though. I've decided I won't let the fear win. I need you to do something for me though,"
She sniffles.
"I need you to decide not to let the anger win," I grab her chin and force her to meet my eyes. "Don't let the jealousy win Dakota. Admit it to me, and yourself that you need help. You are not okay, you have your own battles, your own pain that you need to deal with. I can't be your cure it all. Not when I'm broken and messed up just like you."
"I'm sorry," she repeats, calmer now.
"I know, but sorry doesn't erase what just happened. Do you understand me?"
She nods.
"Prove to me you are trying to get better, prove to me you really have changed. Don't revert back to that Dakota. Be stronger, be better. Be the girl I know you can be."
She pushes herself into my arms once more, nuzzling her head into the crook of my neck. I sigh and wrap my arms around her.
"I love you," she says softly.
"I love you too," I kiss the top of her head.
"Can we cuddle and take a nap? I didn't sleep much either," she admits.
"Okay, come on." I lead her to the room.
She sniffles and wipes her tears, I let her go to the bathroom to get herself decent while I lay back in bed. When she comes out her face is washed and she has stopped crying. She crawls into bed next to me before cuddling me and resting her head on my chest.
"I don't know if I've ever told you but... I've been diagnosed with BPD," She says.
"Your doctor told me," I run my fingers through her hair.
"I also have mild OCD, depression, and anxiety. In prison they had me taking lots of medication."
"I can see if we can find an over-the-counter replacement for you," I say.
"I tell you this because when I'm not in control of things... when I feel things are in disorder and out of my hands, I tend to freak out. I get these intrusive thoughts and It can cause me to get possessive and controlling and be abusive. Keeping things tidy is my self-management and helps me feel in control. Sometimes I'll count to myself or double-check things that don't need to be checked."
"I've noticed," I say.
"I know it can get annoying and come off as rude sometimes. I'm not making excuses for myself I just... wanted you to know that about me. Not many people do."
"I've been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and night terrors," I reveal to her.
"How many of those did you have before me?" she asks.
"Well, I'm pretty sure I've always had bad anxiety. The others came after you though."
"I'm sorry," she says softly.
"Stop apologizing, sorry doesn't erase what happened. I've learned to just accept it."
She sighs.
"Where do you want to go for our honeymoon?" I change the subject.
"What?" she says with a hint of amusement in her voice.
"Well if we are going to get married, where do you want to go for our honeymoon? It has to be in the States, obviously, I can't exactly sneak you onto a plane. I was thinking someplace tropical or maybe a lake, what do you think?"
"How are you going to sneak me out of the house?"
"I'll find a way, trust me."
"I want to go someplace with a lot of flowers. So I can lay in a meadow with you. We can have a picnic. I can pick you some flowers, put one in your hair. I like the sound of that." She snuggles closer to me.
"Me too," I yawn.
"Let's get some sleep, I know you're tired." She says.
"K," I close my eyes.
She kisses me on the cheek before lying down again.
I fall asleep with a smile on my face.