I entered Earth with tears still streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't believe how horrible it felt to officially be rejected by Michael. I knew he didn't want to be with me before but I suppose somewhere deep inside I believed Avina when she said he would love me eventually but she was wrong. He didn't just hate what I had become; he hated me to my core. There wasn't one thing about me he liked.
"Katrina," Michael said harshly from behind me.
I turned with every intention to let my fury finally come through but at the sight of him, I lost all fight.
"What?" I asked shakily. I was unable to fight with him. I just couldn't do it anymore. If I thought there was something there I would fight for it but he had no hope in me nor did he want to try. I was in a one sided relationship with him, if I could even call it that.
"Why did you leave like that?" He demanded to know.
"I can't do this, Michael. Please, just let me go," I begged. I knew he wouldn't give in that easily though.
"I know you think I hate you but I don't," he said confidently.
"I don't understand. Why won't you just see that I'm trying? I avoided Damian to try to be better for you. You're punishing me for something I started over a century ago, before I ever knew you existed."
He laughed cynically, "Don't be ridiculous, Katrina. You wouldn't try to change for me so don't pretend that you would. Do not insult my intelligence," he said darkly.
"I'm not! I hate that you won't even try to accept me! I left to be better for you, Michael!" I cried, "I know I've messed up a lot. I know..." I trailed off trying to slow my hysterics.
He didn't say anything as he studied me. I felt naked under his inspection but allowed his violet eyes to roam my face as I waited for his verdict. I knew damn well what it would be but for some stupid reason I hoped otherwise.
He shook his head absently. His hand ran the length of his jaw as he crossed his arms.
"I want to believe you, Katrina. I really do but your track record speaks for itself. It took you disappearing from this realm to avoid him. How am I to believe you won't sleep with him behind my back? You clearly have no respect for mates."
I shook my head sadly, "I won't beg your forgiveness. You don't love me and you never will. Nothing can change that but you."
"That's where you're wrong. I do love you. I love you more than you can imagine and I desperately want to be with you. Don't you think this hurts me as much as it hurts you?!"
I stared at the ground unable to look at his perfection any longer. He was the only thing I wanted and without him I couldn't figure out why I would exist. I couldn't even die. I could never escape because I was already dead. This was pure torture.
This is what I had done to Ivan.
I was vengeful and made him suffer for an eternity and now I would suffer the same fate.
He took a step closer to me but I stepped back. I couldn't be near him. I needed to make things right with Ivan. I needed to let his soul rest before I could ever start to let go of the fury that was holding me in this almost catatonic state.
I wiped my cheeks, "I need to do something. I'll see around, Michael."
"Where are you going," he asked.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," I said quietly before disappearing.
I descended to one of the deepest rings of Hell in search of Ivan. I found him alone and hunched in a corner crying and rocking; he was nearly naked and horribly burned with deep, infected, lashes covering every inch of his body. I was disgusted with myself for letting this go on so long; I loved him at one point, thought I would marry him but that was before he started beating me and far before he murdered me. He looked so broken and I wondered if he could ever forgive me for doing this to him in death.
"Ivan?" I cautiously questioned.
He violently turned his head as fear encompassed his features. He cowered in the corner as far from me as possible. Jesus, I was disgusting for doing this to him. I broke him and that hurt me. I reduced him to this mess the way Michael reduced me to a home wrecking whore.
"Ivan, please, I am here to end this," I tried.
"You're not real. You're not real. You're not real...." He muttered over and over as he clutched his hair.
"I am real. Please, forgive me for doing this to you...I was just so...so angry with you. I wanted you to feel everything you did to me..."
He turned to me and gripped the flowing silk of my ivory dress. As he moved his hands up my body, black hand prints were left on the delicate fabric. He gripped my hips roughly, rubbing his dirty face on my legs, sobbing uncontrollably. I sank to my knees and pulled his face up to look into his eyes. Every fear, every ounce of suffering was apparent in the features I was once obsessed with. Looking at him now I couldn't believe I was ever attracted to him especially with Damian in the picture.
"You need to be at peace, Ivan. You will not suffer any longer."
"Forgive me, Katrina," he begged. It took everything in me to stay strong but I managed.
"I have already forgiven you. I will transport you to Heaven as soon as we clean you up. Come on," I said. I gripped his hand and pulled him to his full six foot three frame.
I transported us to my room to clean him up. I couldn't help but be cautious around him. After all, he did beat me and murder me.
"Bathroom is through there," I said feeling beyond awkward.
He only looked at me with a blank expression still gripping my hand tightly. It was like he was void of anything; any thoughts, emotions besides fear were beyond him. I sighed and walked him into the bathroom.
"Come on, Ivan. I know you understand me," I said in Russian. Hopefully that would get through to him.
His terrified brown eyes focused on me with a hint of the man he once was. He didn't speak but he allowed me to undress him and start the shower for him.
"Katrina," he whispered as he gripped my face.
I placed my hands over his, rubbing the back of his hands.
"I never wanted to hurt you. I don't know why I did it..."
"It's okay, Ivan. I've had a century to come to terms with it. I was really mad at first but now I'm just...void. I don't feel much of anything these days," I said trying to joke a bit but he saw through it. He always saw through my shit.
"You are sad, Kat. This is my fault."
"Not even close, Ivan," I said with a sad smile, "Now shower. I want to get you out of here as soon as possible."
He nodded and got in the shower. I went out to the main part of my room in hopes of having some solitude but I knew solitude was the last thing I would be granted.
Damian leaned against the wall closest to the door frowning at me. I knew he would never understand what I was doing with Ivan and I didn't care to explain it either.
"What has gotten into you?" He asked.
I kept a stoic expression which was easy to maintain around Damian. I didn't care what he thought about me so emotion was never a factor.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Of course not," he said venomously, "Why the fuck can't you just talk to me, Katrina?"
I sighed, "I am really not up for this, Damian. After this thing with Michael, I can honestly say I'm exhausted."
"He is not a factor in your life. You belong to me or need I remind you who owns your soul?"
I scoffed, "Why don't you spend this energy on Avina because she's the only one that will put up with your shit. I left to be away from you, Damian. I couldn't stand hurting your wife anymore and I left!"
"You left for Michael! Let's call this for what it is, Katrina! I've ignored my mate for a long time for you and I think it's time you do the same," he demanded.
I laughed cynically, "Listen to yourself! You sound like a spoiled child not getting his way! I'm done with you, Damian and the sooner you get that through your thick skull the better."
"This isn't over until I say it's over," he said as he moved too close for comfort. I needed him to back away from me before I did something I would regret. I had an objective; I needed to get Ivan out of Hell as soon as I could and I was not going to let Damian distract me.
"Move," I said quietly keeping my eyes focused on his chest.
"No. You miss me, Katrina. I know you do. Just admit it."
I shook my head, "I miss who you were. I miss when we had fun but nothing about the last thirty years has been fun, Damian. I constantly feel guilty about being with you and I won't do it to Avina anymore...or Michael. I've cause enough damage."
"This is ridiculous. He doesn't care about you. Can't you see that you will never be good enough for him? He will never accept you!"
I bit my lip because I knew he was right.
"Don't you think I know that?! I know he hates me! I know I will never be with him! Why do you need to point it out?!" I cried.
He sighed but enveloped me in his muscular arms. I didn't feel safe like I used to. I felt used by him. I knew I was just a way for him to ignore how he felt about Avina. For some reason he couldn't accept her yet. I knew it wouldn't go any further than this though. I knew I could resist Damian now because I didn't want anyone but Michael. Being with Damian wouldn't even be pleasurable at this point. It wouldn't be the escape I needed either because I would feel the guilt and shame every second.
I shrugged out of his hold and took a step away.
"Why are you forcing this?" I asked.
"I'm not forcing anything," he denied.
"Yes you are. You are so adamant that I ignore Michael and stay as your play thing. Why?"
He looked at the ground for a moment as if deep in thought.
"You really want to know why?" He asked so quietly I wasn't sure I actually heard him but I nodded.
"I wanted you to be my mate. For a long time, I thought you were...until Avina came into the picture."
He was...jealous? That's what this was about? He was jealous I wanted Michael instead of him.
"That's what this is about? That's why you won't accept her?"
He nodded, "I've been with you for a century, Kat. I've never been closer to someone than I am to you."
Now I just felt bad. I felt horrible for trying to abandon him. I could have been his friend so long ago and taken sex out of our relationship instead I ran from the issue.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered, "I understand why but this can't happen anymore. As your closest friend, I can't let you ignore your mate. I can't be the cause of your unhappiness anymore."
"You wanted the same thing though. You wish I was your mate. Admit it," he begged.
"...Yes, Damian. I know it would have made more sense if we were supposed to be together but we're not. For some reason, we have things the hard way but all you have to do is let her love you. Don't be afraid of her," I encouraged.
He shook his head sadly, "I can't. I love you, Kat."
"No you don't. We both know you don't love me even if at some point you did. You need to let me go," I said.
I had never seen Damian with his defenses so down. He let so much raw emotion through it was slightly unsettling. I would be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind. Damian and I made sense together. We had fun, we connected, but we weren't meant to be for some reason. If Damian had told me we were mates thirty years ago I would have believed him without a doubt and lived happily with him. But that's not the way things worked out for us. We were both paired with angelic beings though I must say, he had it far easier than I did. His mate wanted him; she was just waiting on his acceptance. Mine wanted nothing to do with me. My mate hated me which seemed impossible in my opinion. I thought he would love me regardless of my previous actions; I thought he would see past my errors especially because he knew about me far before I knew about him. Had he just come to me when Ivan killed me, this entire thing with Damian could have been avoided. I would never betray Michael. He had to know that.
"I need him, Damian. You know that." I said softly.
He nodded once and kissed my cheek, "I do love you, Kat. Don't ever forget that if he mistreats you, you have a place here with me. I will break my union and give up my claim the Satan title if that is what you want."
I smiled lightly and wrapped my arms around his waist. To finally end things with him on good terms was a huge relief. I didn't want things to end badly with him, I just wanted them to end.
"Thanks, Damian," I whispered as he stroked my light blonde hair.