-
Adam rubbed the towel briskly over his hair a few more times before yanking it from his head with a bit more force than necessary, making it slap wetly against the sink when it fell. The bright lights of his bathroom, as well as the lack of his glasses made him squint a bit at his own image in the mirror above the sink. He stared at himself for a few moments, taking in the hint of puffiness under his eyes, the way his hair could do with a trim, and the dull gloom of his countenance. Sighing deeply, he shook his head before turning to hang up his towel and reaching for the hair dryer to begin his styling routine.
His mind was preoccupied, though not by the upcoming dinner and 'additional service' appointment he had this evening. What was going through his mind instead were thoughts of a man with a bright smile, a hesitant yet fierce nature, and eyes so wide and blue and beautiful that Adam could drown in them and die a happy man. What - or rather who - occupied his mind was Alex.
It was late afternoon the Saturday after he'd seen and spoken to Alex last. Adam hadn't been in touch like he'd promised he would be and guilt had begun to take small, painful bites out of him. Still he couldn't bring himself to call or show up unannounced at Alex's door like he'd had no problem with doing before. And, really, this wasn't the first time he'd found himself lost in thoughts about Alex, but it was all different now. It was different because Adam's outlook on his and Alex's... arrangement was different. The dynamics had changed, at least on Adam's part, from a flirtatious, carnal fling to something... else.
It had happened when he got back from dropping Alex off a week ago.
He'd planned out an outfit that would fit the requirements that his client had left for meeting at a bar downtown, mentally picking the shirt that would go with that certain pair of black jeans and the black suede derbies to match. When he'd looked over the shoes standing in neat rows underneath the shirts in his closet, however, Adam couldn't seem to find the pair he'd planned on wearing. Having been pressed for time, Adam huffed in annoyance and started roughly pushing the shirts aside to be able to see his shoe collection better. Still not able to find the derbies he wanted to wear, Adam had lifted his gaze to the top shelf where he kept the pairs he didn't wear that often in their boxes and began sorting through them quickly.
When he'd pulled out a box that was crammed in further toward the back corner, a flutter of black fabric had tumbled from the shelf as he pulled the box over the edge and into his hands. Adam's movements stilled in recognition. He'd almost forgotten about putting it there.
With a swooping sensation in his belly, Adam had put the shoe box aside and bent to pick up the black t-shirt lying in a crinkled pile by his feet. Handling the shirt with a care that resembled the way one would treat a piece of delicate bone china, Adam had caressed the soft, worn fabric between his fingers as he stared at it. It was the shirt that Alex had given him to wear the morning after their first encounter. Once he'd gotten home that day, Adam had stowed it away, wanting to keep it separated from the rest of his clothes as a memento of sorts.
Lifting his hands to his face, Adam had pressed the fabric to his nose, inhaling carefully and immediately being hit with Alex's familiar scent. It wasn't the cologne he sometimes wore or the detergent he used for his clothes; it was the deep, oddly warm scent that was him, that was inherently Alex, and it had made a small smile spread on Adam's lips while a flutter filled his chest. Not even an hour had passed since Alex had stepped out of his car, yet being reminded of him then had made Adam acutely miss having him around already.
And that had been the moment when Adam felt something fundamental shift inside of him, making his smile fall into a confused frown.
Slowly backing out of the closet, with the t-shirt still in hand, Adam had suddenly been unable to focus on much else but the flurry of confusion in his mind and the heavy thudding of his heart. He'd felt ambushed, struck, yet unable to even begin to understand what had happened, leaving him startled and almost frightened.
He'd turned toward the bed then, where the sight of the tangled, empty mess of his sheets had accentuated the absence of another person lying there, as if their earlier presence had left an imprint that couldn't be erased even after it was gone.
What was missing was Alex.
Adam gasped around the sudden intense longing that bloomed in his chest. Alex should be there, resting in Adam's bed, smiling lazily and blinking sleepy yet bright eyes at him as his languid body reached out for Adam to come back and join him, to come rest with him in a tangle of limbs and slow, steady breathing.
Slowly moving forward, Adam had turned to slump onto the edge of the mattress, letting his head fall into his hands as the room spun, cradling the soft cotton of the t-shirt against the side of his face. His ears had been ringing when a thought suddenly dawned on him and his heart had skipped a beat when he found an explanation for the yearning he felt. It had hit him with the unexpectedness and force of an avalanche going off in his mind, dumping him in shocking sobriety.
Without meaning to or even being aware of it happening, Adam had let himself do the last thing a person with his occupation should ever do – fall in love.
The realization had left him breathless and desperately scouring his memories in search of the moment when he'd let things get to this, when he'd allowed Alex too close to his heart. But it was a futile search because there was no one moment; it had happened slowly, over time, carefully etching itself into Adam's subconscious, until its presence had grown too large and too bold for it to go unnoticed anymore.
Adam had slowly realized that all the signs had been there. The way his chest squeezed when Alex had told him over the phone that nothing compared to the feel of him.
The way his own body had felt like it was filled with scorching lava at the jealousy he felt when Alex responded to the attention of another man.
The way his heart filled and grew by increments every time Alex shook with pleasure in Adam's arms. The signs had all been there; he'd just been too blind to see them.
And so there Adam was, in the aftermath of his elevated awareness, not knowing what to do. He was lost. He let himself blindly spiral off into a whirlpool of unwanted emotions and he was utterly and completely lost. The swirling force had him in its grip; he was in too deep and there was no way he'd make it out unharmed now that he knew that his heart had given itself over to Alex freely yet still without his knowledge.
Hence the state he was currently in, looking like he hadn't had a good night's sleep in a week - which wasn't far from the truth at all. Adam felt like he was straying off course and fumbling blindly in the dark. During years of dealing with matters of the body, he'd fiercely avoided having to deal with matters of the heart. It scared him. Where did this leave him?
Where did it leave them?
Adam turned off the hair dryer and reached for his styling paste, scooping some of the sticky substance onto his fingertips and rubbing it between his palms before beginning to run his hands through his hair.
He had no idea what to do from here on out. Everything would be different now. Adam knew that he wasn't a good enough actor to pull off trying to hide his newly acquired understanding from Alex. If he tried, he suspected that Alex would be able to see right through him, glean that something was up, and probably ask all kinds of uncomfortable questions about it. Questions that Adam wasn't willing to answer.
And that was the reason Adam had stayed away from any attempt at contact in the past week. Because he wasn't sure that he would be able to keep from accidently revealing how he felt. He had, after all, no idea how Alex would react if he knew.
It was a complex situation; on one hand Adam wanted to be with Alex so much his chest ached with it. On the other, he wanted to run as fast and as far as he could in the opposite direction and never look back. The thought of Alex distancing himself from Adam because of something like this was too frightening to contemplate. Adam knew without a shadow of a doubt that he'd surely break if he messed things up now. Yet, he wasn't stupid enough to not realize that his heart would be broken either way, since feeling like this could never lead to anything. Alex - intelligent, beautiful, perfect Alex - would never go for a man like Adam; someone sullied.
Whichever way things went from here, Adam was bound to be hurt in one way or another. There was an overwhelming sense of 'damned if you do; damned if you don't' over the entire situation and Adam wasn't willing to let himself be sent to his damnation just yet.
He knew he couldn't avoid Alex forever and that the younger man was probably beginning to wonder why he hadn't heard from Adam all week when he'd said he would. Adam's stomach squeezed a bit in discomfort when he thought of the guarded look on Alex's face when he'd said that he'd understand if Adam couldn't keep his promises. Adam wanted to keep his promises, and under normal circumstances, he always did. But this situation was far from normal and now, all Adam wanted to do was hide and never have to face Alex or the disappointment and sting of rejection that he knew lurked just around the corner.
So Adam threw himself into his work instead, trying to block out all thoughts of cerulean blue eyes, or laughter as clear as bells, with the nameless, faceless clientele that expected nothing more from him than what he could offer on a purely physical level.
Adam had seen it happen before; one of his colleagues becoming caught up with a client in one way or another. It was a rookie mistake that seemed so distant from ever happening to him again that he'd never even considered it as a possibility. Adam knew better than that and he'd been doing this for long enough to know the unwritten rules of the trade by heart - always make sure your client feels like he's the centre of your attention, always make sure you leave your client satisfied, and never, ever let yourself fall for a client. Breaking the last rule tended to end in bad situations, and the guys that did became cautionary tales that travelled by word of mouth and were told to newbies upon their signing up with an agency.
Adam didn't want to end up as a cautionary tale. He'd come close to being one once before and it was something he never wanted to repeat. Besides, Adam enjoyed doing what he did and he'd promised himself years ago that no man would ever control him or his emotions again. And although Alex wasn't technically a client of his, that didn't change the fact that Adam wasn't willing to give himself over to him, no matter how much he wanted to.
Securing the last tuft of wayward hair into place, Adam rinsed his hands under the faucet while checking over his image in the mirror. It'd have to do. He didn't have time to try to work miracles tonight. Time was already drawing close to when he'd have to be out the door and on his way to his appointment, and he needed to get dressed too.
He rushed out of the bathroom after drying his hands haphazardly and hurried to his bed where he'd laid out the outfit to start quickly pulling on his clothes. Just as he was sitting down to tie up his shoe laces, his phone started ringing from where it lay charging on his night stand.
Huffing in exasperation, Adam leaned over and reached to grab it, yanking the cord from it when he sat back up to look at the caller-ID. He lifted an eyebrow in confusion over seeing the name that flashed across the display before tapping the green button and quickly lifting the phone to his ear, already opening his mouth to speak.
"This isn't a really good time, Tom. I'm really rushed-" Adam began before the voice on the other end cut him off.
"Oh, this won't take long!" Tom's swift words carried an apologetic tone as he rushed on. "I know I haven't gone through the proper channels this time, but I just wanted to see if you were free to come over for lunch tomorrow? I understand if you're busy," he added, leaving the invitation open for Adam to easily decline if he wanted to.
Adam felt his shoulders relax and a small genuine smile fell over his lips for the first time in days. He didn't have to think long before giving his answer. "Actually, that sounds just perfect," he smiled and breathed a little bit easier. He could do with a friendly face and some distraction that didn't involve having to act all breezy and composed.
"Lovely! I'll expect you around noon then?" Tom asked cheerfully.
"Okay," Adam chuckled softly. "I'll see you then."
"Oh!" Tom's voice brightened even more. "And bring that boyfriend of yours! I'm dying to meet him."
Adam paused and felt his smile falter. There really wasn't any chance of him actually managing to avoid being reminded of Alex every few seconds, was there?
"He's not my boyfr-"
"Great!" Tom interrupted before Adam could finish. "Does he eat rooster?"
Adam couldn't keep from snorting out a laugh at that. If there was anything Tom always managed to do, it was to instantly brighten Adam's mood. "Good word choice, Tommy."
Then, taking a deep breath, Adam stretched his back and lifted his head before exhaling on a sigh. "I'll see what I can do about bringing Alex."
"Alright," Tom conceded gently. "I'll see you tomorrow, Adam."
"Bye," Adam finished before hanging up. He stared down at his phone, wondering if it could be a good opportunity to meet Alex on somewhat neutral ground when others were around, rather than being alone with him first thing after realizing his feelings. It couldn't hurt to ask if he wanted to, at least.
Adam rose from his seat and stuffed his phone in his pocket. Coming to the conclusion that he'd call Alex when he got back later that night, he quickly finished getting ready and was out of the apartment in a matter of minutes, consciously straightening his back and schooling his features into an aloof smirk.
-x-
He managed to keep his confident persona intact through dinner with his client and all the way back to the guy's place before Adam felt his carefully honed façade begin to slip.
The man practically threw himself on Adam the minute they stepped inside the door, having obviously decided that they'd done enough talking and wanted to move onto the physical part of their deal. Looping his arms around Adam's neck, he tilted his head while moving in closer.
Adam quickly lifted his hands to press them against his chest and leaned away to say what had become somewhat of a mantra lately.
"No kissing," he said a bit harsher than he'd intended, and the guy blinked his eyes open to frown slightly at him. As soon as the words left his mouth, Adam paused at hearing himself say them. Boy, had he been truly and utterly blind...
An image of smiling full lips tinted an almost unnatural red flashed across his mind and Adam shook himself out of his thoughts. Quickly wanting to placate the frowning man in front of him, he murmured through a smirk, "But everything else is okay; whatever you wanna do."
Adam trailed his hands suggestively down over the man's chest, splaying them out to rest on his waist. Slowly, he mirrored Adam's smirk and seemed to regain his urgency when he suddenly went to work on the buttons of Adam's shirt, opening them with quick tugs.
"How about you just fuck me then, yeah?" the man breathed, his Scottish brogue coming through strong along with a hint of alcohol on his breath.
Adam prayed that he wouldn't ruin his shirt by ripping any of the buttons off and silently accepted when the guy leaned in to start licking at his throat. The man was only slightly older than Adam, somewhere in his early thirties, and not that bad-looking at all. He had a thick, dark mop of hair on his head, the beginnings of a five o'clock shadow, and an accent that hadn't been all that pronounced before he'd gotten a few drinks in him at the restaurant.
Adam usually liked a man with an accent, but the way "laddie" here was currently rutting against him and sloppily moving his tongue over his jaw made him quickly lose any iota of interest he might have had at the start of the night.
Wanting to just get it over with quickly so he could go home, Adam inclined his head at a door further inside the apartment and to the left. "That the bedroom?" he asked and the man lifted his head to glance over his own shoulder and nodded as he looked back to Adam with hazy blue eyes.
"Then what are we doing standing out here?" Adam continued and consciously widened his smirk, even if it was a bit of a struggle. "Get in there and get naked."
The man smiled and nodded again before he turned to lead them toward the bedroom, where things moved a bit quicker after that. Adam let himself get lost in the routine of pleasuring another man to the best of his abilities, and he was just about to reach for a condom, when he lifted his gaze to the eyes of the man who moved restlessly underneath him.
The blue of their irises made him pause. The color wasn't anywhere near the same as the eyes that haunted his dreams but it was close enough to make his breath catch in his throat.
No. He shouldn't - wouldn't - do this to himself!
Adam closed his eyes tightly for a moment to compose himself and when he opened them again, he was pleased to see that the other man hadn't seemed to notice his brief lapse in focus. Adam quickly continued to prepare himself, making fast work of the condom and lube. The man underneath him had thankfully stopped moaning exaggeratedly at every minute movement that Adam made and was gripping Adam's waist when he lined himself up.
Adam let his eyes fall closed and began pressing forward. The tightness and warmth of another body surrounding him had Adam not even noticing when his mind started to wander off to places he'd rather be than there. At least not until the body in his arms suddenly froze, making Adam stop his movements and open his eyes to give the Scotsman a questioning look.
The dark haired man was frowning back at him.
"My name's Greg," the man said around his panting breath.
Adam blinked.
"What?"
"I said; my name's Greg," the man repeated. "You just called me Alex."
All breath was suddenly pushed from Adam's lungs and he felt as if the room tilted slightly around him as his eyes widened to stare at the man still holding him in an intimate embrace. He blinked again, holding himself very still before he regained all his senses at once.
It was no use. He had to get out of there and he needed to... He needed to see Alex.
"Look. I'm sorry but I can't do this," Adam apologized as he started backing away, quickly scurrying off the bed and reaching for his underwear and pants. "Don't worry, I'll give you your money back."
He didn't dare look up at the man still lying panting behind him as he stood to close up his zipper and began searching for his shirt.
"What?!" came the incredulous voice from the bed. "After all that? I was told you were one of the best!"
Adam turned around after having found his shirt hanging over a chair by the door and buttoned it haphazardly, not wanting to waste another minute with a man he felt nothing for, and cared even less about.
"Yeah? Well, things change," he said levelly while looking at the Scotsman, who was currently trying to cover himself up with a corner of his bedcover. "I'll leave the money on the counter."
And with that, Adam picked up his shoes and headed out toward the door, leaving a wad of bills on the counter that lined the kitchen on the way. It was only when he'd finally pulled the door of his car shut beside him that Adam groaned and let his head fall back against the headrest in defeat.
What the hell had he just done?
He lifted his hands to his face and groaned again, this time muffling the sound with his palms. He was fucked. He'd just gone and walked out on a client who hadn't done anything wrong, which was pretty much like signing his own release form from the securest representation he'd ever had at any agency. Adam would be lucky if they ever wanted anything to do with him again, despite his years of flawless service.
Adam pressed his fingertips into his closed eyes under the lenses of his glasses briefly before lowering his hands with a sigh. He didn't see any good coming from going home to his empty apartment after this, and the niggling longing for the man that he knew could make it all seem a little bit more distant was once more growing stronger within him.
Before he could change his mind about it, Adam pulled out his phone and scrolled through his contacts until he found Alex's number. The dial signals seemed to go on forever after he'd lifted the phone to his ear. Adam felt a knot start to form in his throat, hoping that Alex would pick up, and he jumped slightly when the call finally connected.
"Adam, hi!"
The smile that spread over Adam's lips was instinctual and a swooping sensation rolled through his stomach at hearing Alex's sleepy yet happy voice greet him through the small speaker.
"Hey, you," he replied and looked down at the small digital clock on his dashboard, glad to see that it was just nearing 11 p.m. "Did I wake you up?"
"Nah, I'm just watching a movie," Alex explained before Adam heard him yawn. Adam chuckled softly and felt his heart fill with warmth as he imagined Alex being adorably sleepy and ruffled, all snuggled up on his couch. "What about you?"
Alex's question brought Adam back to the present and he hesitated slightly, his smile faltering a bit.
"Actually, I was just wondering... Can I come over?"
There was a short pause before Alex replied with a simple, "Yeah."
"Okay." Adam smiled again and reached over to place the key in the ignition. "I'll see you in a few minutes, alright?"
"Can't wait," Alex replied softly before the call disconnected.
Lowering the phone from his ear, Adam peered down at the display curiously. His mind was surely playing tricks on him, but what he thought he'd heard made swallow slowly around a thrill in his chest. He put his phone away and quickly turned the key to start his car before pulling out on the street and driving off towards Alex's apartment block.
Once there, after a drive that felt much longer than it normally did, he briskly jogged up the stairs to the right floor. He was only slightly out of breath when he finally knocked on Alex's door and tried to calm his racing heart while he waited.
The lock clicked and the door opened to reveal a young man wearing a small smile, sweatpants and a light blue t-shirt, and Adam's heart fluttered uncontrollably at seeing Alex for the first time since he'd learned its true desires.
Alex nudged his head backwards and stepped back to allow Adam inside. And for the first time since they'd met, Adam wasn't really sure what to do.
He pulled the door closed behind him and turned to face Alex again, who was running a hand through his loose curls and looking at him expectantly. God, he really was beautiful.
"Hi, gorgeous," Adam breathed, suddenly nervous.
The smile on Alex's lips widened at the pet name and Adam wondered if it really was possible for a pair of eyes to sparkle, because if so, Alex's did. Adam wasn't ready for Alex to step closer, but he recovered quickly when a pair of long arms suddenly wound themselves around his neck and a cheek pressed against his own as Alex pulled him into a warm hug. Adam lifted his arms to wrap them around Alex's waist and pulled him even closer, sighing softly into their embrace.
It was amazing, really; Alex somehow knowing that this was exactly what Adam had needed and he was so glad he'd braved the decision to call him.
"I've missed you," Alex whispered close to Adam's ear and Adam hummed in response, resting his chin against Alex's shoulder. "I haven't heard from you all week."
The reminder made Adam's pulse beat a bit faster and he opened his eyes, not having realized he'd closed them. The nervous tingle was back in his belly again and when a soft pair of lips kissed the skin beneath his ear, Adam flinched away from the touch before he could think about what he was doing.
He felt Alex stiffen slightly in his arms and when Adam stepped back to look at him, his chest squeezed painfully at the wounded tinge within the questioning gaze that Alex aimed at him.
"Sorry, I'm just a bit distracted. There's been a lot on my mind and I..." Adam sighed and hoped that Alex would understand without having to go further into detail. The weariness inside him made his body feel heavy where they stood and all he really wanted to do was rest.
He held Alex's gaze as he continued, "Would it be alright if I just... if I just held you? Just to sleep?"
Adam knew that he sounded like a sappily romantic love song but he held his breath as he watched an odd expression flitter across Alex's features. Adam tried to fill his eyes with all the adoration he held towards the man in his arms to show that he wasn't rejecting him; he just needed something other than sex right now.
"Oh," Alex said shortly before he seemed to recover from his surprise at Adam's new stance on things, which, to him, would probably seem to have come from out of the blue. "I mean, yes, of course. That's fine."
Alex's lips lifted in a small smile, and Adam found himself smiling back gently as his lungs started working again. He pulled Alex closer again and leaned up to peck his cheek.
"Thank you," he murmured against Alex's skin before backing away again. "Can I just go wash up a bit real quick?"
Alex smiled and nodded. "Sure, just don't take too long; I'm kinda tired as well. I might fall asleep while waiting in bed."
Adam's stomach did that swooping thing again at the mention of Alex waiting for him to come to bed with him and at the strangely domestic feeling that thought brought with it. He didn't say anything more, though, before hurrying off towards Alex's bathroom to wash his face and the skin down his neck, wanting to rid himself of any trace of his earlier client.
Thinking of the Scotsman he'd left practically sputtering in indignation made nerves settle in Adam's gut again. It was only a matter of time before he heard from the agency now and they were not likely to be happy with him. Adam normally knew better than this and he really wasn't usually this self-deprecating either. But this was starting to become all too familiar, reminding him of events that were so distant now that it seemed almost as if they'd happened in a past life. And in an oddly poetic kind of way, they sort of had. Though, the distance didn't seem to matter when Adam once again found himself frowning at memories that slowly began to surface from the recesses of his mind.
Hurriedly drying his hands and face on Alex's towel, he stepped over the threshold of Alex's bedroom just a few moments later and lifted his gaze to the bed. The room was slightly lit by the lamp on the window sill and Adam could see Alex already tucked in with the covers wrapped around his bare shoulders. Adam's chest ached at the sight, knowing that this man - this vision - would never truly be his.
Alex's eyes fluttered open and met with Adam's across the room and Adam drew a deep breath when Alex lowered one side of the covers in invitation. Adam lifted his hands to his collar and started to unbutton his shirt while walking into the room and pausing at the side of the bed, still keeping his eyes locked with Alex's. They watched each other silently while Adam undressed, and once he'd stepped out of his pants, leaving him only in his boxer briefs, he kneeled on the edge of the mattress and slipped in under the covers next to Alex.
Adam had just settled back against the pillow when Alex immediately shifted closer, winding his arm around Adam's chest and resting his head on his shoulder in the same manner he usually did. A soft sigh left Adam's lips as Alex's body warmed his skin once again and wrapped his own arms around him as Alex shifted slightly to get comfortable. Yet Adam couldn't bring himself to relax the same way that Alex had, resting heavily against him.
After long minutes of silence, during which Adam's mind spun away with him as he stared out into the room, a quiet murmur brought Adam out of his reverie.
"Adam?"
"Hm?" Adam hummed to show that he was listening.
"What's wrong?"
The hesitant quality of Alex's words carried a tint of worry and Adam tightened his arms around him in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.
"Nothing," Adam lied, feeling his throat close up tightly, making his words come out raspy. "It's nothing you should have to worry about anyway. Just... sleep."
Adam closed his eyes on a long exhalation when he felt Alex shift and lean up to look at him.
"Well, I can't sleep when I can practically hear you thinking," Alex argued gently. "Why don't you tell me what's on your mind?"
Adam opened his eyes to look up at Alex where his head was lifted to rest in his hand. "Because it's stuff I'd rather forget," Adam replied and looked away, hoping that that would be the end of it and that Alex would stop insisting that he should share more than he was willing to.
"Maybe talking about it will make it better. I'm a good listener..." Alex trailed off, leaving the unspoken suggestion hanging in the air between them.
Adam sighed heavily, knowing that he really shouldn't tell Alex this. He shouldn't give Alex more pieces of himself than the ever growing part of his heart that he already had.
"It's in the past, Alex. No reason to dwell on it."
"Adam." Alex's voice was firmer this time. "I want to know. Please?"
The imploring tone of that last word made Adam turn his head to look at Alex, meeting his steady gaze. Perhaps it wouldn't be all that bad if he told him. If nothing else, then maybe Adam would have some relief in saying it out loud for the first time.
Taking a deep breath, Adam turned away again to stare at the soft glow of the little lamp on the window sill, knowing that he wouldn't be able to get a single word past his lips if he was to keep looking at Alex.
"I had just left home when I met him," Adam began, biting his lip when he felt Alex tense minutely beside him. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.
After a few silent seconds, the warm brush of Alex's hand settled over his shoulder, and the slow movement of his thumb across Adam's skin urged him to go on. Swallowing around the sudden lump in his throat, Adam continued levelly, "I was 17 and he was 29. This was way before I was signed to any agency and I was pretty much living day by day on the streets. I was cruising in a bar one night and I saw him sitting there alone, trying to drown his sorrows.
"At the time, I was just starting to be able to spot the type of guy who'd be willing to pay for some physical comfort, so I sat down next to him and we started talking. Turned out his wife was filing for a divorce and had left to be with her lover somewhere in a tropical paradise. As the night wore on, he loosened up considerably, and one thing led to another – as they do - and we hooked up.
"The thing was that he didn't want me to leave after. In fact, he begged me to stay. So I sort of never left. For months, we shared his big house together; just the two of us, and it was the best time I'd ever had. I even wrote my dad a letter saying I was glad he'd kicked me out because I was so much happier living there than I ever was at home."
Adam paused for a moment, noticing that Alex's fingers had stilled when Adam let him in on the fact that he hadn't actually ran away from home, like he'd told Alex the first time they'd talked about his occupation.
When Alex's fingers resumed their slow caress again, seeming to accept his slight bending of the truth, Adam went on. "He... He did everything right, you know? Said all the right things. He spoiled me rotten and promised me forever. I was 17 and I believed him, because when you're 17 it never occurs to you that someone would lie about the kinds of things he told me.
"But he did. He did lie, and when his wife suddenly wanted him back, I was out on the street again before I even realized what was going on. I was alone again. The man who'd taken me in and made me believe I was finally worth something to someone just dropped me in a heartbeat... After that, I made a vow to myself to never let anyone else get the opportunity to do that to me again. And that's how I ended up doing this more or less ever since. He was the reason that I chose to continue to sell my body, but not my heart, all those years ago..."
Adam breathed in deeply and closed his eyes. "His name was Ryan, and I loved him," he finished on the exhaling breath, making the words sound almost as hollow as he felt while saying them.
A hesitant silence followed and Adam held his breath as he waited for Alex to speak. His hand had stilled on Adam's arm again and Adam was afraid that he might have said too much. Alex didn't deserve to have to listen to him complaining about things that really shouldn't matter anymore. And he really didn't deserve it now that Adam knew how he felt about him. That's a great way to show someone that you care about them, huh? Tell them sob stories about your fucked-up past as a hustler.
"I'm so sorry, Adam." Alex's whisper sounded thick and Adam glanced back at him, immediately shocked by the sight of unshed tears in Alex's eyes. "I'm so sorry that that happened to you and if there was a way for me to make it undone, I would. In a heartbeat."
Adam's heart swelled in his chest, yet he felt almost guilty about it doing so. Alex didn't mean it the way Adam wanted him to mean it. So he shrugged one of his shoulders and shifted his gaze down to where his fingers were trying to smooth out the little wrinkles in the thin duvet. It hadn't been that many days ago that Adam had been the one comforting Alex. Oh, how the tables had turned.
"There's no way to change the past, Alex. What happened, happened; I was young and stupid. I know a lot better now." Or at least, he ought to, Adam thought to himself.
"No one should be treated like that... least of all you," Alex insisted gently. "You're worth so much more than you give yourself credit for, Adam."
Alex's arm pulled him closer as he settled back onto his side and Adam tucked his head in under Alex's chin, letting himself be held close to his chest. The new composition of their embrace made Adam feel oddly small yet it wasn't making him feel weak. Alex's arms held him securely and for the first time in a long while, Adam suddenly felt like he could breathe a little easier. Doing just that, Adam inhaled deeply, comforted by Alex's scent surrounding him, and wrapped his arms around his waist, snuggling even closer.
And then a thought occurred to him. Thinking that now was as good time as any to ask, Adam whispered against Alex's skin. "My friend called earlier and invited me to lunch tomorrow. He, um... He asked me to bring you with me." Adam paused. "You don't have to if you don't-"
"Yes," Alex interrupted Adam's slightly rushed explanation. "It would be great to meet one of your friends. I'll come with you." There was a smile in Alex's voice and Adam relaxed again when he noticed his shoulders had tensed up a bit. "How does he know about me, though?"
Alex's words were teasing and Adam felt himself blush where his face was still pressed against Alex's skin.
"I have no idea," Adam murmured quietly and smiled when Alex's chest shook a bit with silent laughter.
"Of course you don't." Alex sniggered before Adam felt him plant a kiss on the top of his head. "Of course you don't," Alex repeated in a whisper against Adam's hair, letting the room fall silent once more.
Adam shifted to nudge one of his legs in between Alex's underneath the covers, settling again with a sigh of content and, just a few minutes later, he fell into an easy slumber.
-x-
Adam woke with a start at the sound of his phone going off in his pocket out in the living room where he'd left his jacket. His pulse beat rapidly through his body while tried to calm his breathing, glancing in concern at the man in his arms.
Alex seemed to be sleeping peacefully, undisturbed by the noise and Adam's sudden jolt. Adam briefly noted how they'd shifted sometime during their sleep so that Alex's back was pressed against Adam's chest with Adam's arm slung over his waist, holding him tightly.
Carefully lifting his arm away from Alex's body, Adam inched backwards and crept slowly out from the warm covers, shivering slightly when he stood up and moved quickly and as silently as he could out toward the other room. He rubbed at his bleary eyes when the signal stopped just as he reached his jacket, and fished it out of his pocket with a huff, noticing the clock showing the time as just after three in the morning.
The display flashed with several unopened texts and missed calls, and Adam quickly scrolled through the messages from an increasingly desperate Becca. They ranged from 'Wtf Adam?! Call me immediately!', through 'Do NOT ignore me!', to the last one, reading 'Adam? Please call me, I'm getting worried.'
Steeling himself against the harangue he knew was coming, Adam clicked the latest missed call.
Becca answered before the first dial tone ended. "Adam?!" her somewhat shrill voice shouted through the speaker. "Where the hell are you? Why haven't you called me back? I've been worried sick!"
"I'm alright, you don't have to worry-" Adam began, only to get cut off when Becca replied, just as shrilly as before.
"Oh, really? And just what the fuck am I supposed to do other than worry that you're lying in a gutter somewhere when you're not answering your phone after I get a call from an angry as fuck client, telling me that one of my best guys just walked out from their appointment, spouting some bullshit about 'not being able to do this'?!"
"You really shouldn't swear so much, Becca, it's really unbecoming..." Adam knew he was pushing all the wrong buttons, but he really didn't want to answer her questions either. The frustrated shout that rang out from the other end of the line only confirmed his success at riling Becca up further than necessary. He was just resigning to another earful when a sudden silence made Adam pause, wondering if Becca was still there.
He didn't have to wonder long, though, when she continued a few moments later, her voice much lower and her words carefully measured. "Are you with him?"
Adam closed his eyes and lifted his free hand to his face, rubbing it over his eyes and up into his hair. It was almost funny how Becca managed to sound like a jilted lover. But Adam wasn't laughing.
"Becca..." he tried, not really knowing where he intended to go with his plea.
"This is a fine, narrow line you're walking, Adam," Becca continued levelly. "You know that. Don't do this to yourself."
A sudden anger flared inside Adam's chest, and he heard the petulance in his own words when he whispered harshly. "Yeah? Well, I hate to break it to you, but you're not my mother so you don't get to tell me what to do!"
"So what if I'm not?!" Becca's voice was back to shouting again. "I still care about you more than your folks ever did!"
The line went suddenly, deafeningly silent and Adam snapped his mouth closed to hard that his teeth clicked together painfully. His hand tightened into a fist is his hair as his anger heated past the point of boiling.
"Oh God," Becca whispered, and Adam barely heard it over the rush of blood in his veins as he tried to control his breathing. "Oh, shit, Adam. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. You know I didn't-"
"I'll call you tomorrow," Adam said in a clipped tone, cutting as much of his temper as he could from his words, before he lowered the phone and ended the call. He knew Becca hadn't meant it the way it sounded, but that didn't lessen the pain of hearing her say it.
This night was turning out to be just the perfect ending to a week of absolute hell and Adam was suddenly so tired that he almost wobbled on his feet. The dark quiet of the empty living room seemed to be closing in on him and the allure of the man he'd left sleeping in bed beckoned him to return to his side.
Quickly turning off his phone and throwing it back onto the couch in front of him, Adam turned and padded quietly through the little hallway leading to Alex's bedroom. All residual fury drained from his body in a rush at seeing Alex still rolled onto his side, breathing slowly and evenly, still deeply asleep.
Adam sneaked across the carpeted floor and carefully slid back in under the covers with measured movements, trying not to jolt the mattress too much. As hard as Adam had tried not to wake him, the minute he wrapped his arm back around Alex's waist, he noticed a deeper intake of breath, signaling Alex's slow rising from sleep.
"Adam?" Alex murmured sluggishly. "Who was that on the phone?"
Adam pressed a gentle kiss to Alex's neck as he pulled him back against his chest. "No one," he whispered against his skin and closed his eyes as he rested his forehead against Alex's soft hair. "Go back to sleep."
But Alex's body shifted restlessly in Adam's arms and he turned slightly towards him to whisper over his shoulder. "You're not leaving, are you?"
The badly hidden uncertainty in Alex's voice made Adam lift his head to peer at the side of his face, seeing that Alex's eyes were still closed.
"No."
Adam felt Alex's hand lift to rest over his own where it held Alex's chest and his heart quickened.
"Please don't go," Alex continued as if he hadn't heard him.
"I'm not going anywhere," Adam whispered again while studying Alex's profile. He was most likely still lingering in that peculiar stage between being asleep and awake and Adam settled back down to press another kiss against Alex's warm skin.
His breath caught in his throat, however, when Alex whimpered almost inaudibly and lifted his hand over his shoulder to gently grip at the back of Adam's head, pulling him closer.
"Please..."
Adam's breath left him in a rush when his chest squeezed as if he'd been dropped from a great height. He let Alex pull his head closer and opened his lips slightly to kiss Alex's skin more firmly. Adam still made sure to keep his touch soft, because suddenly it was all too much and the slowly undulating man in his arms was too precious to ever treat with anything else than utter care and reverence.
A gasp rose from Alex's parted lips as Adam carefully kissed every inch of skin he could reach, giving it little gentle licks here and there on his way from his neck and onto his shoulder. Alex pushed his hips back against Adam's in response to his teasing touches and they both moaned quietly when Adam's slowly growing arousal pressed against Alex through thin layers of fabric.
Alex drew his hand back and used it to push the covers down and off their bodies as the heat rose steadily between them. Then he reached back to settle his palm over Adam's hipbone, pulling gently as he pressed back with rolling motions of his own hips, his breath leaving him in careful gasps through his open mouth.
Their movements where slow and steady, almost lazy as they inched apart and pressed back together again, and Adam let his hand trail down over Alex's chest to his stomach. He caressed him with gentle fingertips before he paused at the waistband of his briefs, silently letting his actions speak for him.
Alex nodded and Adam hooked his thumb under the elastic, pulling the garment down over Alex's hips and past his thighs to his knees before he couldn't reach further without leaving the delicious expanse of skin beneath his lips. He left Alex to kick his underwear off the rest of the way and pulled at his own, dragging them down and off his legs quickly.
After they were gone, he planted a lingering kiss on Alex's shoulder before rolling onto his back and stretching to open the drawer on the bed table, quickly gathering what they needed and turning back around to place the condom on the bed just behind him. Opening the bottle still in his hands, Adam measured out some of the slippery substance onto his fingers and closed it, letting it fall to the sheets behind his back.
He reached for Alex and pulled him closer again, letting the weight of his length settle against him and rolled his hips. A clearer moan escaped Alex this time and he turned his head into the touch when Adam nuzzled the shell of his ear.
Cupping his fingers to keep the lube from slipping from them, Adam listened to the slight hitch in Alex's breath when he trailed his thumb from Alex's waist, over his hipbone, slowly curving forward to follow the line just above his thigh down toward his centre, carefully brushing over his tightened sack on the way.
When the backs of his fingers brushed against the divide between Alex's legs, he opened his mouth so suckle gently on the skin just under Alex's earlobe. Alex mewled as he lifted his leg, bending it at the knee and folding it back over Adam's thighs. His back rested heavily against Adam's chest in the new position, his hips turned more towards him as Adam reached down and back further to let his fingers ghost over Alex's entrance.
His pulse sped up when Alex settled his hand over Adam's forearm where it rested over Alex's hip and lower stomach, stroking his skin as if in approval. Gripping the other side of Alex's waist with his unoccupied hand, Adam continued to place open-mouthed kisses over his neck while he pressed two of his fingers inside Alex at once.
Alex gasped and moaned as Adam slowly began preparing him, gently pumping his fingers and curling them up toward his front to press against the spot that he knew would make stars burst behind Alex's closed eyelids.
Adam heard Alex's breath hitch as he shuddered slightly at the touch, and he smiled into Alex's skin and did it again. Alex moaned and lifted his hand up once more to twist into Adam's hair, and his entire body was so supple, so completely relaxed that Adam saw no reason to prolong the path toward what they both clearly needed and took the opportunity to press in a third finger.
"Adam," Alex gasped, angling down onto Adam's digits and Adam's heart skipped a beat.
"Shh," he whispered against the juncture of Alex's neck and shoulder. "I know, baby. I've got you."
Gently sliding his fingers free, he reached back for the condom wrapper, swiftly going through the motions and rolling it onto his straining length, his blood rushing with yearning for the moment when he was finally inside Alex again. Where he belonged.
Adam placed his hand on Alex's hip and rolled them forward onto their side again, sliding his leg in between Alex's and lifting his knee to help hold it up while he reached down to settle against Alex's entrance. "I've got you," he whispered again and pressed forward, feeling Alex's heat slowly allow him inside and envelope him tightly.
Alex's body shuddered again as a long exhaling breath left him and his finger's twined a bit harder into Adam's hair while Adam sank further and further in. Adam pecked at his skin repeatedly, peppering Alex's neck and shoulder in short, light kisses that he hoped conveyed how grateful he was to have him in his arms once more.
Slowly, his hips came to a stop once they were pressed tightly against Alex, and Adam paused there for a minute to breathe against Alex's skin, not only to let Alex adjust to his intrusion, but also to just enjoy the moment, perfect in its intimate stillness.
Alex grew impatient after a while and wiggled his hips to show that he was ready for Adam to start moving. Adam smiled secretly, feeling joy burst inside him at Alex's eagerness. He slid his hand down to settle in the dip where Alex's thigh became his hip while easing back just a little, before using it to pull Alex gently back against himself as he moved forward again.
A whimper left Alex's open lips and Adam repeated the slow movement, closing his own lips over the vertebrae at the top of Alex's spine and sucking carefully, letting his tongue dance over the soft skin under his mouth. Alex's hips snapped back against him, but Adam refused to speed up, to leave the flutter in his heart behind and make this just about reaching their climax.
Instead, he rolled his hips again, as slowly as before and let his other arm slip underneath Alex's body to fold it up over his chest. He pulled Alex's back tighter against his front and moved his mouth up over his skin. He followed the line of Alex's hair to the back of his ear, catching his earlobe between his lips to nibble carefully at the soft flesh.
Alex let out a gasping moan and Adam responded with a quiet hum, wholeheartedly agreeing with whatever it was that Alex was trying to convey with the stream of beautiful noises that left his mouth. He assumed it was something good when Alex's free hand reached up over his front to lace his fingers with Adam's over his chest as the hand in Adam's hair fell to cover the one on his lower belly. Holding each other, they started to move together in a gentle rhythm.
Tilting his head up to kiss at Alex's jawline, Adam opened his eyes to look down at him. To his surprise, he saw that Alex also had his eyes open and focused on something in front of him. Following his line of sight, Adam turned his head and found himself meeting Alex's gaze in the mirrored wardrobe doors lining the side of the room.
Adam's breath caught, but didn't still his movements as he lowered his head to resume his gentle kisses over Alex's jaw and neck, steadily holding his gaze in the mirror.
They stayed locked like that, and even though Alex's eyelids fluttered with every gasp and gentle moan that left his lips, his eyes never fell fully shut to block out Adam's stare. Their need was building steadily and, ever so slowly, Adam began increasing the speed of his movements, adjusting his angle slightly in search for Alex's spot.
He knew he'd found it when Alex's hand squeezed his and he tightened deliciously around him, a stuttered moan falling from his lips through his heavy breath.
"So beautiful," Adam whispered as he watched Alex's eyes flutter shut in the reflection and lifted his hand to wrap it gently around his weeping length.
Alex gasped again and lifted his hips into Adam's touch, before seeming to change his mind and quickly pressing back against him again. Adam pressed a smiling kiss to his jaw and settled back to rest his head against the pillow underneath him, finally taking pity on Alex by beginning a steady stroke of his hand.
Adam moaned in tandem with Alex when he tightened around him once more and it wasn't long before Adam's own movements became a bit more ragged, but never rushed, as Alex continued to move back into his thrusts a bit harder.
Feeling his pulse speed up in his veins, Adam leaned in and closed his mouth over Alex's neck, letting his breath rush from his nose out over Alex's skin. He focused entirely on Alex, easily reading the signals of his body like a familiar, often revisited book, and he knew he was just as close as Adam himself.
With a swipe of his thumb across the head of Alex's length, one last deep plunge inside his body, and the whisper of teeth against his neck, Adam pushed Alex over the edge and watched him fall apart in his arms.
Alex moaned loudly, and the sight of his body shaking with release, along with his tightly clenching muscles, was all Adam needed to reach his own climax. He moaned weakly and pressed his arm against Alex's stomach to hold him tightly against himself as his hips jolted forward with twitching movements while he rode out his orgasm. His breath stuttered in his throat and he felt his heart swell inside his chest when Alex once more reached back to wind his fingers into Adam's hair.
It took him a while to realize that his tight grip on Alex's body could be uncomfortable, and slowly, Adam relaxed his muscles one by one until his hold wasn't so bruising anymore.
But that did nothing to aid the slowly returning ache in his chest, although Adam fought hard to keep his mind from running away with his heart again while he felt Alex's breathing slowly even out in his embrace. Adam kept his eyes closed, waiting for his own heart to stop racing, and the silence of the room felt heavy with words he didn't dare give a voice, even if he knew it was useless to try to deny them.
So as he leaned in close to press his lips to the back of Alex's neck once again, he didn't deny them. Yet he didn't say them either, nor did he murmur or whisper them.
But he mouthed them.
He allowed his lips to form the syllables he feared, and he mouthed them silently against Alex's flushed, warm skin.
I love you
-