{Kiss-verb; to join lips}
My bed creaked slightly as I got up and fumbled around on the dark floor for my shoes. Once they were on, I tip-toed to the door and cracked it open to check the hallway. There was one nurse pushing a juice cart around for the late night pill takers, and I waited for her to pass my room before I left.
I silently made my way to Selena's room and knocked three times.
"Who is it?" she asked quietly.
"It's me."
The door opened, and I was pulled inside roughly.
"You're late." Selena glared at me and popped a piece of licorice in her mouth. "I told you to be here at midnight and you're fifteen minutes late."
"Well, sorry. Some of us actually sleep at night and I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock."
"I was waiting." She climbed onto her bed and pulled the covers back over her body. I got in next to her.
This had become our routine for the past couple of nights and to someone normal, they might see a problem with two "friends" getting in the same bed and talking into the early morning hours. Selena was convinced that this was nothing more than conversation. I wasn't so sure; especially since we had shared several late night kisses since our first one. I had never kissed a friend like that in my entire life, but I wasn't going to complain. The only problem was that I loved kissing Selena. It was an exhilarating experience every time, and I couldn't get enough of her.
We never talked about our physical interactions; they just happened and we called it a night. That wasn't the only thing we did, though. I had found out that Selena was a pretty avid reader-even more so than me. She didn't like to be read to, so we would just lie in bed and flip through books silently. It was comforting and relaxing. I would try to steal candy from her, and she would smack my hand away. We would watch TV, and I played guitar for her. I was determined to teach Selena, but she wanted to learn on her own.
To be honest, we had more of a Tom & Jerry relationship, except for the fact that we could kiss the hell out of each other. We hadn't gone past that point, but things were getting hotter and heavier with each night.
"What are you watching?" I scooted up against the headboard.
"Football," she answered. "I like football."
"You're a very strange girl, Sel."
"I told you to stop calling me that."
"I can't help it. It rolls off of the tongue better," I teased her.
"If I would have wanted you to call me Sel, I would have introduced myself as such," she said firmly, but not meanly.
"As I recall it, you never introduced yourself to me."
Selena squinted in the dark. "I think I did. You must have been annoying me or something."
"I was being polite."
"You were being stupid."
"Okay," I diffused the conversation before one of us blew up, "what are we doing tonight?"
"Well, after we make out, I want to hear you play guitar."
"What's the magic word?"
"Please," She ground out.
"And what makes you think that I want to make out with you?"
Selena raised an eyebrow. "Because you came in my room with a stiff dick so I'm pretty sure I know what your head wants. Both heads..."
"You have no idea what I want," I argued.
"Fine then, tonight we'll just do regular stuff." She shrugged.
"Sounds like a plan."
After an hour of me sitting on the bed and silently watching TV, the closeness of our bodies was making the surrounding temperature incredibly stifling. It wasn't that Selena and I couldn't talk about things, but the physical relationship that we had was very high on the list of priorities. I had never been in this kind of situation before, where kissing was at the forefront. Usually, women wanted interaction through talking, but I guess Selena was different, although, something told me that she was the same.
The strange thing about all of this was that I could feel myself being attracted to her on more than a physical level. The kissing was amazing, but... I think I wanted more. I wanted to feel a connection with her emotionally and I know that made me sound like a girl, but Selena was quickly making me sense incredibly strong feelings. I cared for her as a friend, but each night I spent with her, my 'care' was growing into something stronger. I just didn't know how to go about telling her that.
"So, how was your day?" I asked when a game show went off. "I didn't see you."
"I was in therapy." She played with her fingers. "The doctors are coming in a couple days so Aro has to make me all pretty."
"What do you have to do?"
"Basically, the board comes to see how I'm developing and if I'm improving."
"You've been here for so many years, haven't they probed you enough?"
"Obviously not. Every time they visit, it's like I'm a caged animal. They just look at me and talk about me. It's disgusting." She shuddered, taking a bite of licorice. It was the same brand that I had given her that she claimed to hate. I hadn't seen her eat anything else sense. I don't know where she was getting all this candy from though because I surely wasn't giving her anymore. She must be smuggling it in.
"Are you socially ready to go out into the world?" I said loftily.
"God, no. I would be a wreck."
I looked Selena up and down. She seemed pretty okay to me. Of course, I knew she had problems, but was she really that messed up? I wanted to understand her more and get her talking. She was very against speaking about herself, but I was going to crack the wall.
First and foremost, I needed to know about these kisses. What did they mean?
"I have a question," I stated dumbly.
"Shoot. I'm an open book. Ask and I'll answer."
"Really?" That surprised me.
"I have nothing to hide." Selena's leg bumped mine, and she didn't move it away. I had noticed that we were getting very comfortable with touching each other.
"What are we doing?" I asked.
"I'm confused."
"What is this?" I pointed between us.
Selena smirked wickedly. "Is all the kissing messing with your brain?"
"Well... yes. It's very strange. You seem to have this detachment with physical contact."
"Can't I just kiss you and we can leave it at that? We're friends."
"No we're not. Friends don't act like we do."
She seemed to be getting agitated with my questions, but I wasn't letting up. I needed answers.
"Why do you care?" She scowled at me.
"Because I want to get to know you and I'm not saying that I don't like all the kissing, but it just seems strange. Plus, I don't understand why it's me."
"What does that mean?"
"Aren't you sleeping with like, five guys? Can't you just spend your nights with them?"
Her face paled, and her brown eyes hardened. "Who told you that?"
"I was under your bed when you were talking to Anna, remember?"
"Oh," she let out a relieved breath, "I forgot."
"What's up with that? Five guys, Selena, really?"
She ran a hand through her long hair to calm herself, I guessed like I did.
"I'm not sleeping with five guys," she admitted.
"But you told..."
"I just say that so people will leave me alone. Anna, especially, wants to know everything going on in my sex life so I make stuff up."
I didn't know if I should even believe her. This didn't sound very plausible.
"It's true," she pressed. "I have a vibrator and that's it."
"So... you're not sleeping with anyone?"
Selena shook her head. "No."
"Are you sure?"
"I think I would be aware of that fact." She sighed, "I've never had sex consensually."
It took me a couple of seconds to understand what she said and when I did, all I could come up with was, "Oh."
"Yeah," she bowed her head, "I just don't see the thrill in sex like everyone else seems to. All my sexual experiences have been painful and not just the guy with the basement. Even when I came here, all guys wanted was to just have sex with me. I let them."
I was silent as we both sat there and didn't really look at each other. It was as if the air was heavier, and even breathing was hard.
"I kiss you because I like you," Selena said so softly that I almost didn't catch it.
"I like you too."
"I know you do so why are you questioning what we have? I'm not good at standard relationships. My only boyfriend was in the second grade and we broke up because he stole my green crayon."
"I'm not trying to push myself on you, but I would like the chance to get to know you."
"You scare the hell out me," she admitted.
"Why?"
"Because I don't know how to be good. I want to be good for you, but I don't think I can. I don't want you to leave."
This was a sudden turn of events. Selena was opening up like I never thought she would. I was getting some very valuable information, and I liked what I heard. She didn't want me to leave.
"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me. I'll never hurt you." I placed a kiss on her lips. "Just trust me."
"I've heard that before." She didn't push me away.
"You don't need to be taught how to care for someone."
"I do."
"You're doing pretty good so far." My lips hovered over hers for a split second before they claimed them. She accepted me, running her fingers through my hair and cementing our faces together.
Selena's lips-unlike her acerbic personality-were incredibly soft. They were almost like two perfect pillows, and the lightening that flowed between us was incredible. It was electric and set my nerves on fire. I had never experienced kissing like this, and it happened every time, without fail.
It didn't take long for us to be completely out of breath, and when I pulled away, I was seeing stars. I rolled off of her and plopped down on my back with a heavy, relived sigh.
"For a girl who's never had sex, you sure do know how to work your tongue." I said and could have killed myself for being so crass with my words. She didn't seem to care though.
"I have had sex, just not consensual sex," she corrected me, fixing her wild hair that was left a mess after my hands had devoured it.
"Then it doesn't count."
"Oh," She bit her bottom lip, "so, I'm a virgin?"
"Yes, my virgin girlfriend." I kissed her again, and she didn't push me off like she sometimes did when we got too heated.
"This is very creepy. I don't think a girlfriend is what I am."
"Yes, you are. We're in an exclusive, physical and emotional relationship. Just accept it." I shrugged, hoping that she saw things like I did.
"You're just like my second grade lover." She laughed.
"Unfortunately, I need to rest up so this can't go any further tonight." I checked the clock on her nightstand, which was now reading four in the morning.
"Oh, ok." Selena lied down on the bed. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said, like a question.
"No, I'm running away," I joked and climbed out.
She grinned and shut her eyes. I could tell that she was almost instantly asleep.
I lightly touched my lips to her forehead, trying not to disturb her. She shifted under the sheets, but didn't wake. I didn't want to leave; I really didn't. If she would have asked me to stay, I would have, but I knew Selena had space issues. It was even a leap for me to be this physically close to her.
"Goodnight, Selena." I smoothed out her hair.
I left the bedside and shut the door quietly before cautiously going back to my room.
The next morning, I was woken up early by Harry, who wanted to go work out. I was sleepy as hell, but went to the gym. We spent a good hour there, and I made sure to watch him because the last time, it didn't turn out so well for him.
"So... how's Selena?" he asked nonchalantly as we stood in front of the mirror, pumping weights. Well, he was pumping weights. I was being lazy and settled for stretching.
"She's good."
"I've never seen her so content. It's not a happy look, but I think I saw her smile the other day. I've never seen her smile."
"Really?" I found that hard to believe since she had such a beautiful one. Selena had to smile more often. I was going to make sure of it.
"You're working wonders on her," Harry congratulated me with a head nod. "She likes you."
"I like her too."
"Well, duh. I can even see that. Just don't piss her off. She's been good so far and hasn't had a blow up in a couple of days. That's a first and I like it. She's softening."
"I'm trying to show her that I'm not going to hurt her."
Harry put his weights down and sighed, "I'm going to tell you something, but she'll probably kill me if she finds out."
"What is it?"
He looked around to check that no one was listening, "She used to have a boyfriend in this place. Well, it was the closest thing to a boyfriend, I guess. Anyway, like all the other fucking guys of her past, he really was just after her for one thing. Anna tried to warn her, but Selena just gives off that vibe."
"What vibe?"
"The one where you think you can walk all over her and get what you want. That's why she's so tough now. She used to be really nice, but after him, she kind of became callous towards the world."
I thought for a second and all of that made a lot of sense. Because of all the fuckers she had been involved with, I was now being punished. I was determined to not let that deter me from my goal. I was going to show her that she was... loved? No, not yet. I didn't want to jump that bridge before I came to it.
"That sounds really insightful," I said.
"I am really insightful. People think I'm stupid, but I'm not." He shrugged. "Shit, did you see my sunglasses?" He started looking around.
I snorted with laughter as I saw them sitting on top of his head. What made the situation worse for him was that he was staring at himself in the mirror, thus making his last "I'm not stupid" comment moot.
"Uh, hey," I heard from behind me.
Louis was standing there with a shy look and was trying to avert my eye line. It had been three days since "The Colonel" had attacked me in the hallway. Louis had been in intensive therapy for that time. He wouldn't come out of his room because he felt ashamed. That's what Anna told us, at least. Desmond explained to me that Louis's type of small regression was normal and no matter how much progress we made, I could always take a couple steps back.
"Oh, shit. Look who's back in the open." Harry clapped Louis on the back.
"Yeah, look, I just came to apologize to you, Zayn."
"There's no need for that." I waved it off.
"No, I feel so bad. I... kind of remember stuff and I must have scared the shit out of you."
"Yeah, I was kind of thrown for a loop," I nervously chuckled.
"Um, did I kiss you?" He said quietly, "It's kind of hazy."
Harry was rolling with laughter at this point.
"No, we kept it platonic," I assured him.
Louis let out a relieved sigh. "I'm so sorry. The Colonel is just tenacious. He won't leave me alone."
"What do I do if he tries to attack me again?" I asked.
"Just keep slapping me until I snap out of it. Anna usually sits on my head until I can't breathe."
"Oh, this is just too funny." Harry wiped some tears from his eyes. "I would have loved to be there, but I was too busy being all heterosexual and shit with my girlfriend. Did you get a boner, Lou? Did you and Zayn have a roll in the sheets?"
Louis tackled him to the ground and started to wrestle Harry with ferocious movements. I let them continue while I lazily stretched some more. They were only playing, so no one really cared.
By the time they had gotten out their frustrations and my limbs were jelly, we decided to go to breakfast, although, I wasn't really hungry. That being said, I was never one to turn down food, so by the time I was out of line, I had a substantial amount of treats to eat.
Louis was still trying to apologize to me, but I was trying to tell him that it was fine. I understood-possibly more than anyone-about his condition.
"I actually started off having a really severe form of MPD; kind of like you," Louis explained, shoving some toast into his mouth.
"You were like me?" I asked, finding it hard to believe that anyone could ever be as bad off as me.
"Yeah, but Desmond's a good doctor. Have you started the memory therapy yet?"
I nodded.
"That's when I started getting better. It took a while, but I can remember stuff when I have episodes and soon, he says I might be able to control them."
"Wow. I wish I could do that." I sighed. That would be a giant step in my recovery.
"It took me years. As you can see, I still don't have a firm hold on things."
"Great." I leaned back in my chair, starting to play with the cereal in my bowl. "Sometimes, I think that I should just be locked up. Who knows who I could hurt or what I might do? I can't remember like you."
"I'm just a raging maniac with a temper problem. Granted, I could kill a man with my bare hands, but I'm not crazy," Harry teased us.
"But no one likes you," Louis told him.
"I have a lot of friends," he argued.
"Rose doesn't count."
"I hear my name; why?" A sharp sounding Rose sat next to Harry, carrying her own tray. She was followed by Anna.
I looked for Selena a and saw her getting an apple. She bit her lip and looked towards our direction, like she wanted to sit down, but decided against it. She waved at me hesitantly before leaving the cafeteria. No one noticed any of this except me.
"We were saying that you were the only one who likes Harry," Louis informed her.
"Oh, of course. Who could love him except me?" She rolled her eyes.
"I have friends," Harry spoke up. "Just because they're not you, doesn't mean I don't have them."
"We know," Anna cooed at him. "It's okay. We're here if you ever want to talk about your lack of companions."
We continued to chat and joke with Harry throughout the rest of breakfast. He was getting seriously agitated, but it was funny to watch him puff up like a blowfish. His face would get red and right before he was about to pop, Rose would kiss the hell out of him and make him forget all about it. Then we'd start up again. It was all in good fun until I had to get up for therapy.
I walked through the halls and knocked on Desmond's office door a couple minutes later.
"Come on in," he instructed. "You can have a seat. I'll just be a moment." He was in his glasses, taking furious notes in someone's chart. I sat in the chair opposite his.
We stayed silent for a while, and I just waited for him to be finished. He closed the file, and then took off his glasses, placing them in the breast pocket of his lab coat.
"So, how are you today?" he asked me.
"Fine, better than last time."
"Really? And why is that?"
"I don't know. I just feel... good." I tried to pull down the smile from my lips.
"Do you feel like you've progressed since being here?"
"I guess; minus the whole attack a couple weeks ago."
"Like I said before, you'll have episodes probably for the rest of your life. Our goal is to pinpoint the problem and have you be able to control yourself."
"Sounds like a plan to me."
"Well, today, we're not going to be doing the regular memory therapy. I got your test results back." He started riffling through his desk, pulling out papers. He was a very unorganized man, but somehow knew where everything was.
"I had almost forgotten that I took that test." I tried to think back that far. It seemed like so much had happened since then.
"This was your first test so we have nothing to compare it to, but I just wanted to go over some things with you."
"I don't know how much help the results will be. I kind of gave up after a while."
"That's all right. I know these things are very difficult. I even failed one a couple of years ago, so I don't put too much stock into the results, but the board makes us administer them."
"So, how did I do?"
"Not too bad. Basically, they want to make sure that your brain is working as it should."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning that you don't have any motor function issues, or permanent damage from medication, disease, things like that. The tests just try to push your brain to the limits."
"Anna seems to think that she would be shipped off if she didn't so well."
"In some cases, that might happen." He nodded.
"But I was okay, right?"
"You were fine. Your scores were remarkably good and you have nothing to worry about."
I let out a relieved sigh. For some reason, these tests now held a certain level of importance that I didn't know was there before. On the next go-round, I was going to have to make sure I took them seriously.
"Anything I should work on?" I asked.
"Well, like I said, this was your first test so you did well. We'll see about the next results." He checked his watch. "This is going to be a short session since your mother is coming for your weekly visit. I need to speak with her."
"Um, do you think that's such a good idea?" I stumbled up when he started to gather his things.
Desmond chuckled, "I'm not going to give away your dirty secrets, Zayn."
"I know, I just don't think she needs to be exposed to all of this."
"I think the exact opposite. Don't you feel she would be more at ease if she knew what you're going through or the therapy I'm giving you?"
"I guess, but I'm trying to present myself as getting better and I don't want her thinking that I'm having a hard time in here. And I know she's going to ask a lot of questions..."
"That's fine with me. I have more than enough time to answer them. I'll just be working through lunch, yet again; but what else is new?" He patted my back, and then held the door of his office open for me.
We made our way to the family meeting area and were almost to the door when Desmond stopped abruptly.
"Hold on, I forgot your chart. I'll be right back." He walked briskly in the direction we had just come.
I went in and found my mother in our usual spot.
"Zayn," she threw herself at me, "I've missed you so much."
"Hi, Mom." I hugged her tightly. "How are you?"
"I'm good. Bored as hell at home. There's nothing to do and I don't feel like being out in public."
What she meant to say was, "I don't feel like being looked at strangely because my son is in a mental institution."
"You should go have fun, Mom." I sighed, "Stop being so reclusive."
"I'm not." She tried to smile. "I just don't feel the need to parade myself around like I used to. I'm much too old to care about social standings and stupid benefit dinners. They asked me to make a speech last week at something, but I turned them down. I can't bring myself to entertain them anymore."
"You're turning into a hermit," I laughed. "You were always worried about that."
"I'll just live in my mansion as an old woman and feed my cats." She giggled.
"Well, I find you much too pretty to just sit in a house all day," Desmond's deep voice said from behind her.
"Oh," She turned around and it took her a minute, but I saw a blush creep into her cheeks, "I'm old enough."
"I'm Desmond Russo; Zayn's doctor." He sat next to her and smiled.
"I'm Trisha Malik; Zayn's mother."
"It's very nice to meet you." Desmond took her hand lightly in his and kissed her knuckles. His movements became calculated as if he didn't want to break her.
The blush on Trisha's cheeks got deeper. "I've heard so much about you from Zayn. It's nice to put a face to a name."
"Likewise." He let her hand go.
"So, like I was saying..." I began.
"Zayn, please. Can't you see I'm having a conversation?" Trisha snapped at me, "How rude of you."
"But..."
"I was wondering if you had eaten lunch yet?" Desmond asked her.
"No, I came right here," she replied.
"Would you care to join me and we can discuss a few things?"
"Oh, that would be lovely." Trisha got up and started to get her purse. Desmond already had her coat ready and she put her arms in it. "Zayn, I'll be back later. You take care." She kissed me softly, and then took Desmond's arm on the way out of the room.
What the hell was that?
I felt like I wasn't even here anymore. Those two just bypassed me completely. I knew what was going on here. I saw that look in both of them, and I'd be damned if I was going to let this go anywhere. They were supposed to be focused on my rehabilitation. I didn't think eye-fucking each other was on the agenda for today.
"That must have been painful." Selena suddenly took the seat across from me that Trisha had just been in, "Burned by your mother."
"You have no idea." I shook my head. "What are you doing here?"
"My dad was here for a visit."
"Really?" I looked around, trying to see if I could find anyone who might look like her.
"He left. Don't try to guess." She pulled out a lollipop and handed me one.
"Why do you always have these?" I looked at the purple sucker in my hand.
"They help me live a stress-free life. I haven't hit anyone in almost a week."
"That's called progress."
"You're damned right it is." She nodded enthusiastically. "What are you going to do for the rest of the day?"
"I don't have any plans. We don't have group therapy so I might go back to my room and read."
"You could... come to my room. If you want," she said quickly. "You don't have to. I was just thinking that maybe..."
"Selena, calm down. You're going to choke." I held up my hands. "We can go to your room."
She bit her lip and nodded. "Okay, then."
We sat around for a second. I twirled the lollipop that she gave me in between my fingers, not wanting to really eat it.
"Your mother's very pretty," Selena said.
"Yeah, she's beautiful," I agreed.
"Do you look like your father?"
"I hope not. He's dead." I tried to make a morbid joke, which didn't work too well.
She looked at me strangely. "That was weird."
"I was trying to be funny," I confessed.
"I think you should leave that to me. You're not very good with jokes."
"Yeah, but anyway, I did look more like my father."
"Did he have green eyes too?"
"No, I got those from Trisha."
"Is that her name? Trisha?"
"Yes."
"I like that." Selena sucked on her lollipop.
"You should have come over. I would have introduced you."
"Mothers don't want to meet their son's psychotic love partners. "
"She doesn't judge. She would have liked to meet you."
"Maybe next time." She got up from her seat. "Can we go now? People are looking at me."
True to what she said, the people in the room were looking at Selena. More like staring and I found it extremely rude. I didn't know what their problem was, but it didn't sit well with me. I got up from my chair and followed Selena into the hallway.
I don't know why I did it, but I suddenly felt the need to touch her, so I took Selena's hand in mine.
She immediately stopped walking and looked down. "What are you doing?"
"Holding your hand," I said.
"I can see that. Why?"
"Because that's what normal..." I wanted to say "couples", but settled for, "...people do."
"Is this supposed to elicit some sort of emotion out of me?" Selena held up our hands, which were still conjoined.
"No," I shrugged, "it's just a caring gesture."
"Huh." She tilted her head to the side. "People like this?"
"Yes, I would guess so."
"Why?" She asked me. It was like she needed teaching.
"I don't know. People like to touch the ones... they care for."
"You like holding my hand?"
"Yes," I admitted, "but we can stop if you want." I took mine from hers and began walking down the hall.
I was halfway there before I felt her small hand slip into mine again. She didn't look at me or say anything, but I was more than happy to just keep walking.