I had never felt so lost before. I just needed it to be over. I tried to tell myself that it would get better, I just had to give it time. But how much? I had already given it nine years. Nearly ten come thinking about it. I was done now. This was it. Things weren't going to get better. I had given it time, and it only got worse. Just see where patience had gotten me. I was nothing but depressed, I couldn't remember the last time I was happy or even felt a tiny bit of hope. I was having suicidal thoughts and it clearly couldn't get any worse. But it wasn't getting any better either.
I'll give it one more shot. I told myself. One last try, and if it doesn't work this time, I'll never try again, no matter how bad it gets. I gave myself a promise, that if something went wrong this time, that I couldn't go through with it or my body just didn't want to die just yet, then I would never try to kill myself again. That was a promise. And I was planning to keep it. Though I was certain that this time I would actually end up dead.
Pills. That's how I was going do it. No cutting of arteries. No jumping off bridges. No drowning attempts. Pills. Lots and lots of pills. I was looking through our emergency locker. Painkillers. Perfect! That was exactly what I wanted to do. Kill the pain. Kill me.
I brought the painkillers with me to my room and locked the door behind me. I needed to find the right music for this. Music I wanted to die to. I opened Spotify and typed in the word Dead. The top hit was a song named Dead! by a band I had never heard of before, their name was My Chemical Romance. I pressed play. Why not? I thought as I out the first pill in my mouth and swallowed it dry.Wow... why hadn't I hear of them before? I asked myself. I put the pills away. I needed to find out more about these guys. I shut my eyes and put on a randomly chosen song. Mama. Huh... I was stunned. This was perfect. Perfect! The thoughts of suicide were all gone now. I had finally found something that helped. And it wasn't a blade or a pill. It was a band.