Louis has been gone now for a few weeks, leaving to visit his family as well as join the other lads in places like California and Miami to begin writing songs as well as promote themselves through interviews and campaigns. I miss him but also everything has been seeming refreshing in the oddest way possible. Life for me felt like being blind folded and dehydrated and forced to drink a cold, delicious tasting liquid without being told what it is. I was lost as to what Louis and I were but it all still felt so invigorating knowing that he loved me too either way.
Neither of us really questioned it, the both of us having our own things to investigate in our separate lives. But we both kind of knew that we were something and even though I had this unknown feeling in my chest from time to time, I had felt no concern regarding Louis' feelings towards me. He still continued on with his morning and night texts and we would just message each other randomly throughout the day as routine. It pretty much has been the same as it was before except now when he calls from time to time, he'll say something on the lines of, "I gotta go, Winnie but I'll text you later okay?", and then I'll make a small noise as response in which he'll add, "I love you." and then he hangs up and I hang up and my soul evaporates more and more towards his direction.
I've been wanting to see him, these crazy ideas in my mind surprising at first but now beginning to frustrate me. I've been thinking of actually visiting him for once and even though it sounds like a dream, I felt that it couldn't happen for a list of reasons. Since I don't have a job (Which I've been meaning to get) and I would have to renew my passport in order to visit him, I would have to use my parent's money which sucks since they don't even know that, Louis and I are whatever we are. I also am uncertain whether or not they would even allow me to go on a plane by myself especially to America. I would have to tell them about, Louis and I wasn't sure if I had enough confidence to do that.
My parents are caring people, wanting the best for me as well as wanting me to socialize more and break from my introverted shell. However, I know that my mum has seen the news, read those magazines about celebrities, the ones that act like they know those people more than themselves and I know she's read about Louis with his angry antics from the past. I remember those meals we would have at dinner when Louis and I were just beginning to grow a bond.
"That Louis boy... I feel like there's no hope for that young fellow." She would comment, my fork moving my meal back and forth, my mind thinking about how I was going to see him the next morning, going to talk to my friend. I'm not sure how she would react if I were to ask her to lend me money so I could visit the man she had low hopes for. I'm not sure how brainwashed she is by the media, if there is any hope for her.
Then there was my fear. That fucking itch at the back of my mind that I kept on trying to force into that darkness. I haven't been out of the country in years. I haven't been away from, Izzy and Coop in almost the same amount of time. They're like my shield, my defense mechanism that I go to if something bad happens. What if something bad were to happen in America and I was all alone? What if I were to freak out in front of Louis and his friends and colleagues? What kind of impression would that make? What if the paparazzi saw me? What if they recognized me? I didn't want to take any risks. I wanted to just hide in a corner and pretend that everything would just be fine between Louis and I if I just waited for him to come to me all my life.
But I knew that was selfish thinking. I need to make an effort too, I need to show him that I'm all in as well, but I guess I just wasn't sure what to do that would be right. Then I let my guard down one day and everything felt lighter during one of our texting conversations. He was eating lunch up in his hotel room with Zayn and Liam. They were playing a pretty intense Fifa match while, Louis was enjoying a bowl of this fancy mac and cheese on his bed, watching his friends scream at each other quite intensely as Liam had stolen the ball, Zayn accusing him of cheating.
From: Llama Tomlinson <3
I told Zayn that Liam played dirty. But he didn't listen.
To: Llama Tomlinson <3
Fifa is a very intense video game. Zayn needs to create better tactics.
From: Llama Tomlinson <3
That's what I told him! But the bloke thinks he's the next Messi.
To: Llama Tomlinson<3
He does know that it's just a video game right?
From: Llama Tomlinson <3
Yup. That's why he's acting like the biggest sore loser. What are you up to btw?
To: Llama Tomlinson<3
Catching up on my reading material. Bought four new comics yesterday and eating a popsicle :p
From: Llama Tomlinson<3
Let me guess...fruit punch and Deadpool?
To: Llama Tomlinson <3
Oh how you know me well Tomlinson
From: Llama Tomlinson<3
Why of course my dear, Winifred.
From: Llama Tomlinson<3
I miss you.
To: Llama Tomlinson<3
I miss you too.
My nerves were kicking up, my mind more focused on the screen then on the comics resting on my lap. Those thoughts and possibilities were whirling through my mind again, the desire to hug and kiss Louis growing the more I look at his texts, at his icon picture that makes me crinkle my nose from laughter. It's of him with his hair all over the place, his eyes crossed, and his tongue sticking out slightly. I took it the last time he was here. We were outside, the both of us seated on my skateboard on top of a hill with the wind blowing everywhere. I told him I wanted to take a picture of him and he said okay and made that face. We both couldn't stop laughing after.
From: Llama Tomlinson<3
I was thinking that maybe in a few weeks I can come again.
Guilt rose over me as I finished my popsicle, the wooden stick being placed on top of my thigh immediately as I sat myself more comfortable on my bed.
To: Llama Tomlinson<3
No. I don't want that.
From: Llama Tomlinson<3
Oh. I'm sorry. I thought that maybe we could've hung out but if you don't want that, I understand I guess.
To: Llama Tomlinson<3
No like I want to see you but I was thinking that instead I go to you for once.
He didn't answer for a while, well at least not as quickly as he usually does and I began to grow a bit anxious, worried that it was a stupid thing to suggest. He probably would be too busy anyway and probably would want to hang out with his friends for a while longer.
From: Llama Tomlinson<3
You would want to do that? Be away from your friends and family to see me?
My breath felt as if it were fucking cemented into the middle of my throat.
To: Llama Tomlinson<3
Yeah. I do want that.
From: Llama Tomlinson<3
Fuck, Winnie. Yeah like I would want that too. I mean but like I'm in America so are you good with the whole passport thing? Would it be too much money? I could pay if you want.
To: Llama Tomlinson<3
No yeah like I can afford it trust me haha. It's just that I would have to notify my parents.
Notify.
I was too embarrassed to write ask for permission since I am twenty-one and shouldn't really have to ask permission from them, but I knew that Louis still understood what I meant either way, thankfully not questioning my word choice.
From: Llama Tomlinson<3
What are you going to tell them?
I felt that damn thing racing inside my chest at his question, knowing how I would have to answer, what I would have to finally bring up and I hoped that I wasn't going to push him or make him feel any form of discomfort but I still had to go on with it. I had to know, not only for my parent's sake but for my own reassurance.
To: Llama Tomlinson<3
I don't know. I'm going to have to tell them who I'm going to see and when I tell them your name, they're going to ask me about the role you play in my life.
To: Llama Tomlinson<3
What do I tell them? What's your role?
I pressed send, eagerly waiting for his reply, my hands sweating and my patience wearing thin. Fuck, was this all too much too fast? I mean we had only been on a few dates. Was Louis even the label kind of guy?
From: Llama Tomlinson<3
A few days ago when the lads and I were eating breakfast (which was awfully dreadful btw like who even likes oatmeal?) Niall asked me, "How's your girlfriend?" and I chugged down like two cups of orange juice to get that horrid taste out of my mouth before answering him. "She's good." I said.
It was as if all my worries just fucking disappeared in a second. My eyes were wide as well as my smile and I knew I probably looked fucking crazy right then, with my hair in a messy ass high bun and mismatched socks while being surrounded by comic books about a fictional assassin. But I liked that feeling. I liked knowing that I can feel this amount of joy about something I'm included in without caring about what other people think, whether I'm alone or not. Louis, just makes me like that; wild and crazy and free like those open windows he's so fond of. It felt as if doubts were just a fictional creation of the mind and fairytales were all true, that misfits can become princesses and princes and that dragons and unicorns are real. It was all so crazy and fantastic and I give all of my highest regards to Louis Tomlinson for making a once lonely mute girl feel like she could fly up to the sky and live with the stars.
To: Llama Tomlinson<3
I actually like oatmeal. Try adding cinnamon next time.
From: Llama Tomlinson<3
Will do ;)
I felt confident and determined, like I could and will do anything to make sure that my parents agree with my wishes. I couldn't finish reading, I couldn't do anything really. My mind was solely set on figuring out what to say before my parents would finally return home. I sent drafts to Coop and Izzy, Izzy telling me to just be completely honest with them about my feelings for Louis and Coop telling me that I have it in the bag. It was all so nerve wracking and as the hours passed and passed, my confidence was diminishing more and more. If I were to be rejected, I don't know what I would tell Louis. He already seemed as if he had high hopes and I didn't want him to also feel as if he were dating a small child that was dependent on her parents. It felt like a lot, my chest feeling heavier and heavier, Sylvia coming upstairs and finally calming me down just a tad when she noticed my concern. I explained everything and she nodded in understanding.
"Ju will be abel to do dis. I believe en ju." she promised.
I hugged her and she brought me another popsicle which I couldn't finish. I ended up indulging myself in Netflix, my mind trying so hard to focus on something other than my own thoughts, it succeeding as well as failing as I caught myself zoning in and out from the program. I don't even remember what I was viewing to be honest, but that was the very least of my problems.
When my parents returned, I stayed upstairs for some reason, my feet seeming as if they were stuck to the floor permanently, my lower two limbs refusing to even flinch. Then they started to call my name as their footsteps grew louder and my breathing quickened.
They both came upstairs, greeting me with tired smiles before heading to their room to change out of their clothes and into something more comfortable. I still did nothing until we were all seated around the table, the smell of meat and mash from below my chin entering my nostrils. I felt like I was going to pass out.
I'm just here now, the two of them creating these annoying sounds of silverware hitting their plates as they cut and scoop up their meals into their mouths. Gene isn't here again and my dad keeps on taking a few glances over at the empty seat across from him.
"This is very delicious, Sylvia and just what I needed too. Can't tell you how long I've been wanting a good T-bone." My dad praises, forcing a small smile as he looks at Sylvia behind him as she continues to wash the pans she dirtied.
"No problem." She responds, not looking back.
He nods and turns his body back in place, continuing to cut yet another piece. My mum's eyes then land on me questioningly, most likely wondering why I have not even touched my food and I quickly force a smile before taking a sip of my cup, not even knowing what liquid's in it.
Oh. It's apple cider.
"So sweetie. How was your day today?"
'Just fine. Was your day fine too? I bet it was.'
Now I'm just talking too much. I don't even think she caught anything I tried to say. She just raises her eyebrows a bit at my sudden response I'm guessing and smiles before taking a sip from her crystal glass.
"Well that's good and fine for me as well. I still have some work to do and had to fire someone but it wasn't all too bad I suppose."
I just nod, giving her one of my nervous smiles before her eyes go back to my plate again. I nod once more and quickly begin cutting a piece of the meat, shoving it in my mouth and making a 'mmmmmm' noise to add to my over dramatized satisfaction.
I'm a mess and a half.
My father clears his throat and I don't even dare look at my mum for her reaction to my evident odd behavior. Luckily good ol' dad comes through to change the subject.
I need to do this. I need to do this. I need to do this.
"Who'd you fire, sweetie?" He asks, his eyes going from his plate to my mum repeatedly as he covers his fork with the buttery potato substance.
I glance up at them and try to act invested in the conversation when I'm actually a lit firework waiting to explode.
"The young girl that works in the check in desk at the front. Abigail. She just took too many personal phone calls while working so I had no choice."
She doesn't look happy about her decision, my mother loathing days like this. She always has hope in people, always giving them chances because she just believes in them, but sometimes people take advantage of that and it ends badly for that person as well as for my mother. I can tell she's trying to keep the conversation light, but that slight, quick drop of her smile showed.
My father noticed it too I guess, dropping his utensils and placing his left hand over to her, her own hand going to his before he squeezes it lightly, giving her a small smile.
"Hey, don't blame yourself." He whispers, Sylvia turning the sink water off as she places the damp towel over the sink spout.
My mum nods at him, letting a bit of her dissatisfaction with her decision show and I genuinely smile at them, my nerves feeling a little at ease. Maybe they will understand why I want to go to Louis.
Maybe there's a chance.
"Yeah. Um no worries. I'll be fine." She states before looking in my direction, giving me a quick wink before releasing his hand and sitting herself up straight in her chair. My dad just stares fondly at her and I find this to be my chance.
I clear my throat in that loud, I'm not actually having to clear my throat but I want you both to look at me, way and they both quickly look at me.
"Yes, my little AB? Is there anything you would like to add?" My father asks, his now free hand going to his glass before he brings it up to his lips.
I nod and I place a loose strand of hair behind my ear to keep it away as I take a deep breath.
'Phone.' I mouth, Sylvia beginning to look over at us, obviously wanting to announce her depart back to her own home, but waiting patiently for the right time so she won't intrude.
My father gives me an inquisitive stare and my mother just looks at him, waiting to see if he understands my statement.
"You want a new phone?" He questions.
I shake my head and I mouth again.
'Your phone.'
"You want to have my phone?"
For a genius, prize winning scientist he can really be oblivious sometimes. Sylvia sighs for me.
"Sir, I belief dat she wood like to tell ju sometin dat wood be too hard fo her to mouth and she needs jor phone to tell ju." She speaks up, Sylvia always knowing what to say and when to say it.
I give her an appreciative smile and she rolls her eyes at me with her own small grin before the realization hits both of my parents.
"Oh. Alright. Here. And Sylvia you may leave now, thank you. Take as many of the leftovers you please and tell Vlad I say hello."
My dad hands me his fancy black, sleek device before Sylvia comes and hugs me and says goodbye to all of us, two tupperwares filled with food held in her hands until she finally leaves.
I begin typing in his notes and my parents just share glances, waiting for me. I hand it back to him and he reads it aloud.
"I have a boyfriend." He reads.
I feel my cheeks instantly flush, the reality of the situation hitting me before I snatch his phone back so I can continue speaking to them. My mum looks as if she doesn't know how to react while my dad on the other hand has his eyebrows furrowed and his arms crossed over his chest.
"Oh is that so?" He asks.
"The mystery boy you went on a date with I presume?" My mum finally butts in.
I nod at both of them and I feel my fingers beginning to shake as I continue typing, their stares already seeming to be filled with judgement for someone they don't even know the name of. I decide to just write out my request along with other things just to get to the point, wanting to justify my reasoning and decision instead of keeping them guessing.
I hand it back to my father and I refrain from looking down at the table. That would show vulnerability and even though this isn't a business deal but a personal request, I still need to act mature and civil and sure of myself. I must act like an adult. I look at my mother, my posture aligned and my eyes filled with sincerity as he reads.
"I know you both may not approve of this man since he was a patient at the center-"
My mum's eyes widen and my dad stops to lick his lips for a second.
"-and it may have been rude to hide this from you. But I've thought a lot about my decision to be with him, even having done so when he merely wanted to become my friend and I know that, Louis Tomlinson is a genuine human being and one of the best I have ever met-"
Now my mum's eyebrows are furrowed and her anger is quickly taking over her features but I still don't look away.
"-and he has been taking time from his own busy life to visit me without a complaint and I have decided that I would like to take the effort and do the same. He's in America and I would like to see him on my own.
My father's voice fades with the last few words, his eyes not leaving the screen as he rereads it silently, his mouth in a straight line. My mom's expression transforms into almost nothing. She doesn't look calm, nor tense, nor pleased, nor anything. It is unreadable and I know how that is not a good sign but at least it shows how she is actually thinking about it instead of jumping to conclusions.
"How long have you two known one another?" she finally speaks up, her hand going back to her half filled apple cider cup, her eyes observing the liquid inside thoroughly as she simply moves it around inside the glass.
My dad looks up at me too, his hand slowly returning the phone to me.
'More than half a year.' I typed, my father's bottom lip being bitten down by his top row of teeth as he just nods in silence before telling my mother what I wrote.
She drinks the rest of her cider before placing it down on the table. I just continue breathing in the air that has been polluted with criticism and I feel myself beginning to drown a little with no escape in sight.
"So you were friends with him when he was first here at the center?" My dad asks.
I nod, my eyes not leaving her with my chest beginning to hurt.
She forces a laugh and I feel stricken.
"I wonder how that was achieved since you were punished during that time. You weren't allowed to leave the house or talk to anyone." The last few words are whispered and I can practically hear this form of sadness and disappointment stuck in the middle of her throat as she tries to force it there, as she tries to conceal it. She knows what I did, that I didn't follow her rules and no matter how much she is trying to convince herself that I would never do such a thing, I can see that doubt in her eyes.
I don't take the phone this time, I just take a deep breath and I briefly look down, ashamed of my action soon after.
'But I did.' I mouth. She flinches.
"So you disobeyed me?"
I nod slowly.
"You lied to me?" Her voice cracked and I nod again.
She just nods too before she begins to sniffle, her hand going to her eyes briefly before she shakes her head and gets up from her chair.
"I'll be-" She doesn't finish her sentence. She just walks out and my father looks at me as if I killed her. Maybe I did. I've never seen him so ashamed of me before. The whole feeling feels foreign and even though I don't regret asking what I wanted to ask, I still feel guilty. They have done so much for me and I know that I have just broken them a bit and it sucks.
"I want you to go upstairs, apologize to your mother, and go to your room the rest of the night. Do you understand me?"
When he had begun that sentence, I couldn't even look at him. I was afraid, terrified what words were going to come out of his mouth. I don't think I would have known what to do with myself if he had told me what I expected. If he were to have told me to never see Louis again, I would have crumbled, I would have probably hid in my room for a few days and just stare at that lighter of his while listening to sad Elvis songs and that wouldn't have been pretty. However, even though he didn't even mention his name, I feel sick to my stomach at his command.
I nod and I begin to pick up my own plate, my dad sighing with his right hand rubbing his whole face up and down from frustration.
"You just go talk to her and I'll handle this."
I nod again and put my plate back down on the table before leaving the kitchen and heading upstairs to their room. The hall smells like her fancy perfume, the one that smells like it was made in a flower garden in some fancy place like Italy or something. Her door is shut and I hear her sniffling from the other side. I want to slap myself.
I gently knock on the door before turning the knob and walking inside, my mother slicking her hair back into a ponytail with her fingertips as she sits at the edge of her bed, her eyes watery and her tone depressing.
'Mum.' I mouth.
She isn't looking at me, her eyes on the floor as she finishes tying up her hair.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore."
Her voice sounds as if it were melted, spreading out everywhere around the room.
I sit myself beside her and she sighs, scooting herself away just a little but still enough for me to be able to place my hand on her back.
"You know why I punished you for that long, Winnie? Why I wanted you to stay home?" Her hands are now rubbing up and down her thighs and her bangs are covering the top part of her eyes. She needs to trim them.
I shake my head and even though she didn't see my action, she continues.
"You hadn't been really here you know? Like you were either always gone with Izzy and Coop or you were here up in your room, avoiding us all."
She finally glances at me and I see the moisture building up at the rims of her eyes.
'I am sorry.' I mouth and I genuinely am.
I rub circles on her upper back for a while and her eyes close for a few seconds before opening again.
"I just-"
She begins crying.
"I just didn't want you to ignore me again, Winnie. You-you're my daughter and I just want to get to know you now. I mean you didn't even tell me about this until- and I mean, Gene hasn't been home and I don't know what's happening to her and I-"
A sound releases from her mouth and I quickly take her in my arms, her face resting on my chest as I feel her tears begin to wet my shirt.
"I just want to be a good mother to you both. I'm sorry if I haven't. I'm-"
I hug her tighter and she wraps her arms around me back, my eyes beginning to well up as well. I want to tell her that there's nothing bad about her, that she's such a good mother and that what happened to me and Gene wasn't her fault. My mind begins replaying the similar moments from when I was younger, when it had just began to happen and how I was too afraid to speak to any woman, that I was afraid that they would hurt me as my aunt had. I was even afraid of my mother for a while and I now realize that she will never get that back again. My innocence, the mother/daughter time every mum has with their daughter when they're little, none of it happened. It was too much for me and those possible memories were not only stolen from me but from my mother as well and I regret ever thinking that this woman would have ever lay a finger on me.
...
"I love this part." She whispers as Julie Andrews begins to teach the Von Trapp children how to sing. We're watching The Sound of Music downstairs, my father up in their room asleep since he has to wake up early tomorrow to check on some experimental molecules in his lab that he has been developing for a few months now.
I suggested the movie when we were still upstairs. We didn't talk about the whole Louis situation after our emotional embrace. I thought that it wouldn't be the right time and I also wanted to make my mum smile again. I remember her telling me one day how The Sound of Music was her favorite movie of all time, her parents having showed it to her when she was a little girl before her father passed away. I remember she told me how she dressed up as Liesl, the oldest daughter, for Halloween six years straight, singing to herself the songs as she would go trick or treating. She said that she got extra candy whenever she would do that.
She smiled a bit when I told her I wanted to watch it, the two of us walking downstairs together immediately after it was suggested. About an hour and a tub of chocolate ice cream later, we're still here, my head resting on her lap with a blanket sprawled over us as she continues playing with my hair.
"Winnie." She says, her voice in almost a whisper.
I make a 'mhmm' noise, my eyes still on the screen.
"Do you love him?"
Her fingers are still tangling themselves in my hair and my body stiffens at her sudden question. I didn't expect her to want to speak about it for at least a few more days, that her and my father would discuss it in bed one day right before they would go to sleep and say things that wouldn't really be fair but predicted like, "I don't know Diane. Have you seen what that boy has done? He's a menace to society and I bet he doesn't even recycle." and my mum would respond with, "You and your recycling. That's not the point here. This kid was a patient, Alex. For anger. Who knows what he could do to, Winnie." Then they would come to me one day and tell me how they're sorry but it just can't happen and I would end up crying and sneaking off to Celeste's house to see Izzy for a few hours.
That's what I was expecting, yet here my mum is, surprising the crap out of me and making me believe more in hope.
"Mhmm." I repeat. She doesn't say anything for a while.
"Okay then. You can go."
I freeze in place again, my eyes widening a little and my stomach beginning to turn from this sudden burst of joy and excitement. I don't want to say anything, I don't want to ruin this tranquil moment between us even though I could just dance for hours straight right about now like some weirdo at a techno club that just finished having five cups of coffee. I just reach up my hand towards her and I feel her grab it, our hands than resting on her thigh.
"I miss Gene." She adds.
I squeeze her hand.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SOOO WINNIE IS GONNA GO SEE HER MAN IN AMERICAAA.
ALONEEEE ;) ;) ;)
OH GEEZ I WONDER WAT WILL HAPPEN BETWEEN TWO LOVE STRUCK NERDS WHEN THEY'RE ALONE IN A ROOM. HMMMMMMMMMM.
Well.
I DON'T write smut cuz I'm a weenie who can't write the word sex down without blushing but stuff will be mentioned when the reunion comes. ;) ;) ;)
What did you guys think about this chappy? About her parents? I quite like them tbh. And btw this book is almost doneeeeeeeee. About 5 or 6 chaps left and then BYEEE! I'm actually getting emotional just thinking about that cuz I'm kinda attached to my own characters guys. But it has to end. :( BUT THEN CHOCOLATEEE WOOOOOO. So Yeh. Watevs I guess. And btw you all wll find out what the hecko is up with Gene and where she be going.
Vote
Fan
Comment
Other!
I LOVE YOU ALLL
and side gif is the scene that Winn and her mom were watchin :) and side song is basically Winnie's theme song about her past with her aunt and now </3