I closed the door behind me quietly. Didn't want to wake mom. She was sleeping because she had worked all night. I hated these days. The days mom had to sleep during the day. Because mom sleeping meant no blasting speakers with angry or sad music. Luckily, there were always ear-buds. They were already plugged in my ears I just needed to find the right music. Evanescence. They always helped me when I was feeling down. Always.
Hello, was the first song to play. A song about a girl who had committed suicide. Not today. I hit shuffle, Tourniquet. A song about cutting the pain away. No. Lost in Paradise. A song about being too damaged to notice all the beauty around you. NO. NO. NO! What's happening here? I tried some of my other favourite bands. Panic! At The Disco. No. Simple Plan. Nope. Nothing helped. None of my music helped. Not even a little bit.
I unplugged my ears and threw the ear-buds on my bed. I slowly sat down on the floor. Hands to my head. I had trouble breathing. Why didn't music help? It always helped, it kept the voices out. The voices telling me how worthless I was. How ugly I was. How fat. My music always held these voices back. But this time it didn't help. I could hear the voices anyway. Of course I could hear them. It was all in my head. But that was how I saw myself, you would too after nine years of people telling you the same thing over and over again. You tell yourself that it's not true, at first. That they're wrong. But after a while you'll start believing them. It may take a while, but in the end you will. You'll start seeing yourself the way they do. You'll start believing that all the things they say about your appearance is true. You will start hating yourself the way they do, or even more.
I took out the smiley-box. Picked a random razor blade and pressed it against my skin, made a deep cut. I watched the blood flow. One more. The blood kept flowing. One more. One more. One more. I couldn't stop. The pain was revealing. And as long as I was focusing at the pain the voices kept away. Finally. Something that worked!