XIX.
THE WEEK SPENT WITH AMANDA went by quicker than I would have liked, either way, it was nice to get away from all the problems back at home. The dread had already set in place for my return to the one known as mother. Inside I already knew what was coming my way. She had already rung my phone enough times to know she was beyond pissed off, and at this point, I honestly could not have cared less she could be the cherry on top of my shit cake.
When we left the cabin, neither of us rushed to make it back home while I tried to drag the day out when we made it back in the late evening. When I dropped Amanda home, she told me to ring her if I needed her before giving me a final kiss goodbye and wishing me luck, even though I needed a miracle to avoid my mum. I swear she can smell fear from a mile away, hunting me out like prey.
The wounds on my face have finally started to heal, the bruising turning from black to a blue-purple colour, taking a few days to come out, making me look like I was hit in the face with a baseball bat. When we would go out, I had a few people staring my way since the bruising was a little hard to make unnoticeable... note the sarcasm. The moment my mother sees me is going to be a toss between her asking what happened or her shouting at me for taking my possessions back.
I am leaning more to the side of shouting at me.
The final drive to get to the house was a quiet one. No music for background noise, just me alone with my inner narrative as I drove down the dark back roads, just wanting to go to bed. Too tired to do anything else for the rest of the evening. Part of me was hoping that she wouldn't be home but I knew she was and she made it very clear that she was, with the numerous text messages she had sent my way and the missed calls that I had ignored proved she was back. Usually, when she is away on a business call I wouldn't hear anything from her other than to ask how the fucking house is. That question always made me want to burn it down to the ground.
When I finally pulled into the driveway as I let out a long exhale I clambered out of the car, slamming the door a little harder than necessary. Once I walked through the front door I didn't say a word, the only noise coming from me was when I pushed the door shut and made my way to my bedroom, falling flat on my bed with my eyes closed.
Hearing the sound of footsteps walking across the landing, I drew in a steady breath through my nose as my stomach flipped when I heard the door creak open, lifting my forearm enough to see that it was my mum who stood in the doorway.
"What do you want?" the tone of my voice holding no emotion, too tired to argue.
"What happened to your face," the sound of concern when she walked in towards me to get a better look, feeling her hand touch my wrist to reveal a black eye and bruises along my jaw and my upper lip still stitched up.
"Nothing." Lifting my arms to shrug as I dropped them back down beside me.
"I am not messing around Rebec-" she began to say when I sat up to interrupt her.
"And you seem to think I am? You fucked off, remember. You do not get to pretend that you care suddenly." Pulling her up on her poor parenting skills, her face turned to the usual stone structure it is.
I don't remember the last time I had seen a smile on her lips, it felt like looking at a marble figure, cold with no emotion. The mother I had when I was a child has disappeared.
"Watch your mouth, I am your mother." She snapped as she stabbed her finger at me like I was a naughty child.
"And I am your daughter, this has been going on for months, for years. This hasn't the first time and probably will not be the last." My voice raised as I got up from the bed to stand eye-to-eye with her.
She went to open her mouth again to argue further when I held my hand up, lying back down on the bed, having enough of this conversation. She left my room without uttering another word to me as I let out a shaky exhale. Feeling my temples begin to throb. I knew the silence wasn't going to last this was nothing but the calm before the storm.
-
For what was left of the weekend, I stayed clear of my mother to keep myself occupied with anything and everything that wouldn't include her. Monday was here, and I had nowhere to escape to, she had already decided that she was taking me to the orthodontist appointment, not giving me a choice. The drive there was awkward and silent, neither one of us attempting to talk, no smart remarks slipped through my lips, and not a single sound came from her which was unusual, given the chance she would lock horns with the devil.
The appointment didn't go as planned as hopes held high on having my braces finally removed, being told instead that I would have to have them for longer. Thank you to the queen-bitch for that final kick in the mouth, resulting in my top few teeth moving slightly, not only was I left with what was already a sore and healing face, I now had aching teeth that I would rather rip my jaw off after giving me a few more months before I could have them removed.
Once the morning was dealt with and we finally arrived home, I was already out of the car before it came to a halt, my feet already taking me down a path that they desired with the icy snow crunching underneath my feet as I shrugged my shoulders up to keep the warmth in.
Not keeping track of the time, my mind reeled through thoughts and questions that would remain unanswered, pulling my phone from my jeans pocket to quickly check the time, seeing that I had missed a phone call from Amanda., deciding to leave it for now since I was going to see her as soon as I get home.
I walked for an hour until I decided to head home, going straight to my car, avoiding the house until tonight and even then I didn't want to return. With keys already in the ignition before my body was in the car, turning the engine on and pulled off with my wheels letting out a short quick squeal when they tried to gain traction. The drive to Amanda's was personally annoying due to everyone driving like a Sunday driver, my frustration growing while I cussed them out as if they could hear, throwing out comments on their driving like mine was any better.
I arrived at her home in no time, practically throwing myself free from the car before I even parked it up. I felt an unsettling feeling settle in the pit of my stomach as I knocked on the front door, only taking a few seconds for her to answer when I looked down to see an exhausted-looking Amanda.
No words were spoken, her body just falling into my arms as I held her tightly against me, a long heavy sigh coming from her. I could physically feel that she was deflated when I felt her pull from the hug, my lips kissing her forehead before she moved aside to let me walk into the house.
"You rang me?" throwing the question out there.
"I can't remember anymore." She shrugged as she shut the door.
"Well ask me how my morning was," still annoyed about not having my braces removed.
"How was your morning?" she reiterated the question.
"Thanks to Chrissy for giving me the boot to the face, she managed to move some teeth in the process, I have a few more months in braces. I was so excited about getting them removed." I moaned with a pout after having to keep it all in, being petty and not talking to my mother about it.
'I'm sorry," she apologised with a half-smile before kissing me gently. "Why are you here anyway?"
"I want to take you out to lunch, but you look like you could fall asleep standing up." I joked lightheartedly but still made a point that she did look exhausted.
"I feel like I could too," her tone more serious than mine.
"Would you prefer to stay in," offering another option, "or I could leave you alone?" throwing it out there when she didn't give me an answer after a second or two.
"No, no. We can grab something to eat I've had nothing yet, plus be good to get out of the house." She smiled.
I stayed stood at the front door while she went around the house to collect what she needed. I couldn't seem to stop the nagging at the pit of my stomach that there was something else going on, sensing that she was not in the same room as me. Usually, her responses are quick and sure of herself, but these last few days of being back from the cabin she seemed... well, different. I knew better than to keep on prying, knowing she had a short fuse and the stress from me wasn't going to make situations any better. If she was distant now I didn't want to push her any further than she already was, keeping my mouth shut was for the best.
The drive was silent with neither one of us talking, she was lost in her world as she stared out the window, watching the trees flitter by. Now and then I'd give her a side glance until she let out a sigh, giving me a feeble attempt of telling me that everything was fine.
Her body was telling me the opposite of her words, she looked worn out and exhausted. I know she has been putting in more hours at work, going in early and leaving late, allowing work to take her time off with every chance she could get. She was pushing herself into overdrive. I wasn't sure if she was trying to keep busy because she didn't want to be home or because of another reason that she had no choice.
I decided to drive out of town to a different scenery in hopes it might get her talking when I pulled up outside a small coffee shop to grab a drink and a bite to eat. She didn't say anything to me but gave me a soft smile that I was going to take and not ask for anything else until she was ready to talk.
Once out of the car she took my hand in hers, the feeling was soft and warm making me realise that I was missing something so small, I missed the way her thumb would lightly run over mine when we would hold hands as I gave her hand a gentle reassuring squeeze.
The cafe wasn't too busy, Amanda chose a table somewhere next to the window as she glanced out at passing people. The two of us both ordered a coffee with her settling on a cheese toasty, her mind somewhere else while she watched the people walk along the paths, not being able to hold a conversation without her getting distracted.
I couldn't stop the sickening feeling that worked its way through the pit of my stomach. It was either her feelings for me had changed and she didn't want to hurt me, or that there was something else going on.
With a sip of my coffee and silently arguing with myself, I grew the courage to question her, "what's wrong, DeCeno?" my voice sounding small.
The question brought her back into the room when she looked over at me, her head shaking from side to side in small movements. "Nothing's wrong, I'm just tired, Becca." She sighed before taking a drink of her coffee. I wasn't sure if she was trying to convince me or herself.
"Something is wrong, you've been tired before and stayed on the same planet." Pointing it out so she can drop the excuse.
"Honestly, it's nothing." She shrugged.
"Amanda," I spoke her name when her dark brown eyes looked up at me, finally having her whole attention.
"Just having a bit of a hard time at home," she sighed as the surface cracked.
"Okay," waiting for her to carry on as I drank some more coffee, she took another bite from her food.
"It's nothing, just money troubles." She shrugged not going into any more detail than that, leaving me feeling like I had no other way around this than to get chipping away until she lets me in.
She didn't follow her reason any further than that, I decided to stop pressing for now so she could eat her food. This is not the first time that she has had money issues and had to do overtime, but she has never been this exhausted, I've offered to help to at least lighten the burden but she would always refuse any help from me. The first time I offered I unintentionally offended Amanda with her telling me that I made her feel like a charity case which I in no way intended to look like that, I just wanted to take away the stress so she could stop running herself ragged.
Being an outsider, it always seems to be when they are finally on their feet with things running smoothly then the rug gets ripped from beneath them. The whole thing looks like a vicious cycle. She would always work herself like a dog to help make ends meet while I sat there knowing that I could help her but she wouldn't allow it to happen.
When we finished up our little morning out on the way home she was talking a little more than earlier which was always good, at least she was saying something to me instead of sitting there silent. Upon much deliberation, we went back to hers after she told me she was too tired for anything else.
The moment she set foot in the bedroom she walked over to the other side of the room and threw herself down onto the bed, her jacket still on as she kicked her shoes off and got comfortable. I stayed standing up against the door frame when she looked over at me, her perfectly shaped eyebrow-raising up at me while all I could do was stare at her.
"Are you going to join me in bed?" she questioned with a small smile when she patted the empty spot next to her.
I couldn't keep the smile from pulling at the corners of my lips when I went and joined her, laying down as she moved up against me and placed her head on my chest, hugging into my side when I wrapped my arm around her to keep her close. She put one of her legs over mine when she let out a sigh of contentment, her eyes closing as I listened to her shallow breathing.
I still couldn't stop my brain from falling back into the problems I could help with, instead of just giving money to her, perhaps she would accept it as a form of a loan so she didn't feel like I'm paying her off. At least the option is evident to pay me back even though I wouldn't miss the money.
Every month my dad would pay so much into my account which has been sat there totalling up, not having anything to spend it on. He refuses to pay it into my mother's account since he says she makes more than enough money to need his on top.
"Wilson, stop thinking so hard." She murmured, feeling her voice softly vibrate against my neck before she gave me a small kiss.
I tried to turn my thoughts off and think of something else but my mind kept leading me back to the same thought, the same problem that could be easily fixed with nothing else to it.
Once she fell asleep I turned the T.V on low to not disturb her as I kept her close and let her rest, settling on a food show when there wasn't anything else worth watching. I still had to deal with my mother who I was tipping toeing around, not wanting to hear whatever shit she wanted to sprawl my way. She finally realised that taking away my things wasn't going to stop me, it wasn't that I was being disrespectful but how can she take away the things I paid for and currently paying for.
I guess I should be happy and take that she cared about what had happened to me at school, maybe her motherly instincts kicked in or maybe she felt obligated into asking me what had happened. Either way, I didn't care, it is too late now to act like she cared when she didn't any other time. This whole facade wasn't going to last long give it another day or two then she will be straight back to her normal caring self.
It did sometimes leave me wondering if she had always been this way, not ever remembering her being an overly affectionate mother when I was younger she was never as cold as she is now, guessing that my dad having an affair with the pastor's wife pushed her over the small ledge she was already standing on.
I'd love to ask Chrissy's father how he handled the news, if he died inside and froze over, or if he claimed this was the great path God had put him on. This is them testing his faith and loyalty. I could always have that chat with Chrissy about our parents, we could even become step-sisters... I'd feel the love then.