These are just a random collection of jokes i found while surfing the net, and had me laughing for hours
enjoy!
Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks . Each of the three hide in one.
A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks . He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack.
'Meow!' says the a convict. And the policeman goes to the next muttering, 'Stupid cats.'
He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, ' Woof! '
'Stupid dogs! ' says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack.
The policeman kicks it, nothing, so he kicks it again and the last convict says, 'Potato potato
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
On wisdom, Confucius say...
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!
Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.
When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.
Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.
He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.
Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.
Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who fly airplane upside-down bound to have crack up.
Confucius say too damn much.
A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks
her over.
He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?"
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her
mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years!
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
Superman was flying over a nude beach when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing.
Being faster than a speeding bullet he decides that he can screw her quick
without her knowing. So he swoops down does his business. Wonder Woman jumps up
and says "what the hell was that?", the Invisableman replies "I don't know but
my ass sure hurts."
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She
calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all
would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what
comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out
a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one
look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at
it, too."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the
condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot.
I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner
with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm going to
get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd
better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down
to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the
blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his
head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl leans over
and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans
over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and
fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
''Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.''
Watson replies, ''I see millions of stars.''
''what does that tell you?''
Watson ponders for a minute. ''Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we
are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What does it tell you?''
Holmes is silent for a moment, and then speaks. ''Watson, you idiot, someone
has stolen our tent.''
Why do the surfs laugh when they frolic through the forest? Because the grass
tickles their balls!
Three nuns die, but they all have to answer one question to get into heaven.
The first nun is asked who the first man on earth was. She replies, ''Oh that's
easy, Adam!'' Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
The second nun is asked ''Who was the first woman on earth?'' she says,
''that's easy, Eve!'' Lights flash and the gates open.
The Third nun is asked, ''what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?'' The nun
is puzzled and can't figure it out, so she says, ''that's a hard one.'' Lights
flash up and the pearly gates open
Priest's First Mass
a new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. after
mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. the monsignor replied, "when i am
worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, i put a glass of vodka next to the
water glass. if i start to get nervous, i take a sip."
so next sunday he took the monsignors advice. at the beginning of the sermon,
he got nervous and took a drink. he proceeded to talk up a storm. upon his
return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. there are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. there are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. we do not refer to jesus christ as the late j.c.
7. the father, son, and holy ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and
the spook.
8. david slew goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.
9. when david was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his ass.
10. we do not refer to the cross as the "big t"
11. when jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat
it for it is my body." he did not say "eat me."
12. the virgin mary is not called "mary with the cherry."
13. the recommended grace before a meal is not: rub-a- dub-dub thanks for the
grub, yeah god.
14. next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at st. peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at st. taffy's.