My mouth was extremely dry and I felt unusually sweaty. I lift my heavy head from my pillow to find myself burrowed beneath a mountain of blankets and groan weakly.
There were faint indistinguishable voices outside my room door that made me wonder what time it was.
I wasn't convinced that school was a thing I could actually endure today. It felt like I had been hit with a truck and no amount of sleep would fix that.
The voices got louder and made me cringe in anxiety knowing someone was coming to wake me. I dreaded the thought of having to stand up and get dressed.
There was a quick knock on my door before it swings open. I reluctantly push the covers away from my head, shocked to find the sun out.
Once I painfully force myself to roll over, Jayden and Kaylee come into my view and I observe them chatting with each other in hushed voices.
"What.. time is it?" My throat was scratchy and raw and you could definitely hear it.
They both turn to focus on me in unison, "It's nearly five." My lids went dramatically wide, "In the afternoon?" Jayden finds humor in my surprise while Kaylee rolls her eyes.
"Yes. Now what did you do yesterday?" I disregarded her question not wanting to admit to my young and still naive sister I had done some stupid things last night, "How come I'm still in bed?" My body violently craved hydration, but I needed answers first.
"I told Maria that you were throwing up last night and couldn't go to school today." Thankful for her quick thinking, I huff and try to roll over getting comfortable again.
"No Jessica, it's time to wake up. You haven't eaten all day and I honestly thought you were dead." Everything in me screamed to ignore them.
"It's almost night time.. again. I should be allowed to go back to sleep." My bed dipped as I defiantly pulled my covers up and I detected the presence as Jayden, "Rise and shine." He gently pries the sheets from my clutches not taking into consideration that a few more hours of sleep would fix this sluggishness I felt.
"I don't want to rise... and I don't have any shine left." He snickered at my pain as his hand rested on my back, "Well you better find some cause your parents are coming up soon to check on you." I immediately felt alarmed and knew I had to fix myself up before they noticed something was wrong.
"Yeah and Maria keeps talking about you finishing some SAT prep classes that you keep putting off, she says you're going to miss the deadline." I flopped back onto my side at Kaylee's interjection to face them and give a monotone "No," in response.
"You have to get up. Today, tomorrow, the next day, and every day until you die."
Until I die?
He had a stupid smirk on his face but all his statement did was send me into a frenzy of overthinking.
I always planned to deal with my captors till I was eighteen then leave. I idealized going to a college on the other side of the world, getting an amazing life-altering job, eventually finding a loving partner, and maybe having a kid or two to prove to myself that a good parent can exist. It was the basic romanticized human experience.
But everything was different now.
I didn't have to limit my life or exaggerate it to prove something to my abusive parents. Running wasn't necessary anymore. I didn't want an insane job or a different partner. Shit, I wasn't even sure if I wanted children anymore.
I never really had to think reasonably or realistically about the future because even though I sat down and planned it and I let it drive me every day— I never thought I would actually get a future. I didn't think I would make it another month much less a few years.
What was I supposed to do with this new bought time that I didn't actually account for?
I didn't want the things around me to change, I wanted to stay right here— in this semi perfect bubble I had. In this bubble I was safe.
Before, I always had to make decisions for myself because if I didn't, I would die. It was my basic survival instinct.
Now what?
I don't live this melodramatic life of risk, I'm just me now. I'm not the abused girl, I'm not running, I'm not hurt, I'm not neglected, I'm not hiding anything. Abuse made me who I am, now who am I? Who am I supposed to be?
This wasn't how my story was supposed to go, and now that it has— I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to do.
Was I being forced to think ten more years instead of ten more feet?
"Cortez?" I snap out of it and look him in his eyes. He skeptically wipes a tear off my cheek that I hadn't noticed had fallen.
"Where does that pretty head of yours run off to?"
"... not sure."
His face contorted in confusion but I sat up and forced myself to climb out of bed to escape his stare.
I travel to the bathroom and gently wash my face and brush my teeth, I take my hair out of the bun that was destroyed by my sleep and force it into a neater one.
There was no point in getting dressed, all I wanted to do was shower and put on a different set of pajamas.
Returning to my room I see Kaylee had gone and Jayden was where I left him looking to me for answers.
"You alright?" I didn't understand the question because I hadn't felt alright in a while. I was always in some sort of neutral state, constantly anxious that something was going to tip the balance. I was scared that I would always be the girl who uses her past as an excuse. I didn't want to be that girl.
"Where's Kaylee?" He was noticeably bothered by my avoidance of the question, "She's telling your parents you're up, are you good?" I shrug mentally blaming my hangover for my stale vibe.
"You don't know?"
"I don't." My voice didn't have any strength, but I avoided eye contact in hopes of dissuading him from pushing the subject.
"Well what do you know?"
I huff walking over to my closet and grabbing a hoodie, pulling it over my head in one movement, glad to have some coordination back.
"I don't want to think about important tests or college apps yet, or even growing up. I want to stay right here. Things change and bad stuff starts to happen."
My back faced him so I could avoid feeling embarrassed by my innermost somewhat immature thoughts.
"I remember sitting on that hill with you outside of school, listening to you always talk about the future, and escaping. Flying away."
That bird. The bird that was free and had the ability to make its own choices. The universe doesn't give a warning label when it finally allows you to make your own choices. It sort of just shoves you forward and hopes you figure it out.
"That was when I had something to fly away from."
"I get it, but— I also.. don't..?"
Impulsively, I wanted to get frustrated at him for not understanding, but I had to remind myself no one could feel and think exactly what I did.
I turn back around to face him, seeing him sitting back on my bed with his arms crossed over his chest, watching me.
"Life's not perfect— far from it. But what if... what's coming next is worse? I always spoke of the future, almost certain that I would never get one, but now that I do..."
It's not that I didn't want it anymore, and it wasn't that I was ungrateful. I was just terrified.
"Just because you don't have shit parents anymore Cortez, doesn't mean your future is promised."
That was absolutely true, but it wasn't what I meant.
Planning the future when you're certain you won't have one, is very different from planning the future with the strong possibility that you will.
"Stop thinking so far ahead dork. Keep your ten feet, it's what's kept you sane, ten more feet. And in these next ten feet, you have to figure out senior year. In the next set, it's college. After that— comes something else. Stop sticking yourself into a grave."
There wasn't a need to get irritated with him for not being able to read my mind, because he practically could. He sometimes understood my mind better than I did and that only scared me even more. What the hell would I do if I ever lost him?
There was a set of knocks that forced our attention away from our intense conversation.
"Jess? You okay? How are you feeling?"
I put on a fake half smile as Maria stuck her head in the room.
"Yeah I'm fine. Just a really upset stomach, I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow."
"Good, you had me worried for a moment."
I purse my lips hoping she would leave without noticing anything was off or asking me to do anything strenuous.
"Alright, we have to talk seriously later but you two— don't do anything in here that you wouldn't do out there." I roll my eyes as Maria giggles to herself before closing the door.
Once the room got silent, I sighed and looked down at my sweater sleeve for a distraction.
"How do I know you'll be a part of my next ten feet?" He chuckles which makes me reactively lift my head to catch him shaking his head amused.
"Don't worry about silly things Cortez. I'll be a part of all of them."
~~~
It was pouring rain, I could hardly see anything— the downpour was blinding and it felt like the dark clouds were closing in on me.
"I have something to tell you."
Lighting struck and I trembled from the cold droplets pricking my skin. This didn't feel right, I wasn't in the right place.
"I have to tell you something." The familiar voice repeated. I couldn't see much but I could make out the figure.
"I have to tell you something."
"What?!"
This felt wrong, this all felt wrong.
"I don't want you. I don't— want you... anymore."
I'm jolted awake, instantly out of breath.
"Jessica come on, it's your senior year!"
I groan rolling over to dig my head into my pillow.
"Five more minutes."
"No, you're already late."
The blankets were ripped out of my grasp and I was now lying in my bed, freezing.
"Two minutes, then you better be downstairs."
"That's humanly impossible."
"Make it possible." She shouts stomping down the stairs.
I sigh, there was no way I was getting out of this.
Summer went by in what felt like seconds. Nothing much happened, it was just us being stupid teenagers and enjoying what borrowed time we had left.
I sat up and felt like crying.
Senior year.
This was my last year of high school, after this was basically adulthood. No more people holding my hand, no more help, I was being thrown to the wolves soon.
It sort of felt like we were all getting separated.
Maddie got an early admission to that prestigious dance school she's always wanted to go to, and as soon as school ends— she leaves.
Jayden and Ryan are set on sports and want to go to some school in New Jersey offering them different athletic scholarships— some university I hadn't heard of.
Jayden wanted to stay close to home, mostly for his parents and sisters, he had a really strong bond with his family that I admired. Ryan wanted to stay simply because the school was offering, and what's better than having someone pay for your talents?
Maya and I still had no clue what we wanted to do. The next step in my plan was college, since it's hard to actually be appreciated in this society if you don't have a degree, I thought any New York school would do. I was leaning towards the teaching route, it was a simple plan I felt I could stick to.
With a yawn, I roll out of bed stopping for a moment to stretch in an attempt to wake myself up. Once I was in the bathroom, I did my morning hygiene then went into my closet and got a black graphic tee that I tucked into some jean shorts with a black belt. I pulled on my black Vans before brushing my hair into a neat half up half down style, grabbing my phone and book-bag, and trudging downstairs.
Kaylee was sluggishly eating a bowl of cereal and I flicked her head in passing simply grabbing a granola bar for my breakfast.
I thought about how in a few months I would be completely on my own, the only person I would have is Maya, and that's only if we ended up getting into the same school.
Though I planned to go to an in-state school, where we lived was way too far to be able to drive everyday, so I'd have to live on campus. This meant having to be a independent and responsible adult. No parents, no Lilith or Diego, no Jayden, no Kaylee, no other friends. It was just me with my decisions, and that's pretty frightening.
"Jessica, what are you still doing here?"
Maria started to reprimand me as she tried to collect her items seemingly flustered. I wasn't sure why she was in such a rush, though I assumed it was due to an early shift at the hospital.
"What do you mean?"
"Jayden is outside."
I roll my eyes, my palms starting to sweat a bit at the mention of his name. My nightmare rang in my ears making me want to rush back into my room and crawl right back under my covers.
"Oh, I didn't know."
Kaylee and I exited after saying our goodbyes, finding a nonchalant Jayden outside waiting, distracted with his phone. I open the back door for her and let her in before jumping into the passenger seat.
I was extremely proud of Kaylee, she was doing a lot better in terms of processing and healing from her trauma. She wasn't as messed up as we all predicted. Some nights she needs to sleep in my bed because the nightmares are merciless, but it was slowly progressing.
"You know, you don't have to text your other hoes in front of me." I remarked jokingly while forcing my book-bag down near my feet. He rolls his eyes chuckling before finishing his text and setting his phone down in his lap.
"Listen here—" He began with fake annoyance, but his tone reminded me of my nightmare and my joking attitude immediately disappeared. "—Wait. What's wrong?" My face was like an open book. When I refused to say something with my mouth, my facial expressions betrayed me.
"Nothing... period cramps." I quickly covered it up, making it embarrassing enough that he wouldn't question it. "Alrighty then." And he starts to drive.
As the ride ensued I remained mute due to the million things running through my mind. A prominent point being that this was the last year I would be able to see my friends consistently. What would happen to all my relationships when I didn't have school keeping them intact? I've gone days without seeing my friends or boyfriend, maybe weeks, but never longer than that because we had school which forced us together. That was all going to change.
My concentration was broken as I felt him poke my side, "What's up with the silence? I can usually never get you to shut up in the mornings." His attempt to lighten the vibe did not work, it only further bothered me.
"Kaylee?" He now switches to questioning her about my demeanor. "I don't know, I'm in the dark about this one too." He frustratedly sighs rolling his eyes, "Great. Are you planning on keeping this up all day?" I scoff and turn my legs away from him laying my head on the window, "I guess that's my answer."
We arrive at school and Kaylee jumps out, jogging to her side of the building. Diego always drove Camila, I wasn't entirely certain on why, it seemed like a waste of time and gas, but it was none of my business, probably him just trying to spend more time with his daughter.
Jayden and I were now alone in the car, the only noise being the air conditioning since he turned off the music.
"Explain." He demanded not feeling the need to say more than that. "Nothing is wrong. It's our last year together and I'm wallowing." I push the door open aggressively with irritation directed at no one in particular as I exited and started to walk to the front.
He caught up with me easily and swiftly stopped me by grabbing a hold of my waist twirling me around to face him.
"What are you talking about? It is not our last year, why would you even think that?" I meant our last year in school not our last year in a relationship, but honestly— with how vivid my dream was, it felt like it might be our last year together too. I didn't want him to know that though.
"I was talking about school." He relaxed and I hadn't initially noticed how tense he had gotten, "Well yeah Cortez, that happens. You can't have expected us to stay in high school forever." He wasn't helping my mood like he usually did which I found disappointing.
I narrow my gaze towards him with a slight pout turning to walk away from him again only to have him catch me by my shirt.
"Ah I didn't say we were done talking."
"I didn't ask."
He smirked clearly amused.
"You're adorable."
"You're taking my annoyance as a joke and it's not funny."
"Didn't say it was funny, I said it was adorable."
I cross my arms over my chest and he sighs rolling his eyes before forcing my arms to uncross and pulling them towards him so I was now trapped against him.
"You've gotta lighten up Cortez, the year has just started."
"I don't... want to lose you."
I hadn't noticed myself starting to tear up and I was thankful for the fact that my face was hidden by his chest because now I felt dramatic.
"Stop saying that, you're not going to lose me." He seemed annoyed with the fact that I was trying to bury us before we were even dead, but I was just preparing myself for the heartbreak. How many couples realistically make it out of high school? How many friendships last into adulthood? Not many.
He kissed the top of my head and I squeezed my eyes shut trying to calm myself down. I didn't want to walk into the school with a red blotchy face.
"God, are all girls this emotional?" He finally got me to laugh a little, "No. I'm one of a kind." I peeped his smirk as I released him and gripped his hand, walking towards the school building once again.
As soon as Maddie and Maya see us approaching, they stop paying attention to Ryan who looked like he was enthusiastically explaining something.
Maddie leaves entirely and runs to me full force to jump into my arms. Luckily I expected her, or else I would have ended up on the floor.
"This is really it. We're seniors." I felt warm tears on my shoulder and it took everything in me to keep my eyes from watering. I had just relinquished the urge to cry and here she was bringing it back.
"The great thing about it is we're going to be adults, which means we can see each other whenever we want." I felt her smile weakly before she releases me wiping her face. Maya now hugs me with a neutral expression trying to remain optimistic unlike her sensitive friends.
Today felt like one of those days where everyone's low moods would prevail.
The day moves lethargically and I find myself staring at the clock the entire time. I needed to stop this, I needed to enjoy my time. We weren't dying, we were growing up, which I guess is a variation of dying but not the kind I'm allowed to sulk at.
Plus, it wasn't like we were leaving tomorrow.
I knew I needed to relax because this kind of attitude made everything irritate me easily and I didn't want to get into an argument with anyone over nothing.
"Jess, eat something." I look off with an obvious attitude leaning my head on my propped-up hand. I was in my feels, I only wanted to get home, hide under my covers, and play depressing music for no reason at all.
"Hey, why don't we have a sleepover?" Maddie suggests with an exaggerated smile in attempt to lighten my mood. "Yes. You guys should definitely do that." Jayden answers for me, making me scoff and hide my head in my arms, roughly laying on the table.
"Jess? You up for it?" That would ruin my plans, "I'm busy tonight." I reply in a monotone voice. "Doing what?" Maya questions not backing down. Sometimes I really hated how inquisitive and presumptuous my friends were. "Jayden and I are hanging out." I didn't have to look at Jayden to imagine his face. He was most definitely being comically extra right now.
"No we're not."
"It's our anniversary. Remember?" I kept my face from view, spitting out bullshit in hopes that something would stick. It earned me a chuckle from him.
We were sitting at one of the picnic tables outside of our school, me next to Jayden with my leg resting on top of his while Maddie sat on the side of me and Maya sat with Ryan in front of us. At the moment I was wishing we were inside because I was starting to sweat, but I knew my friends would protest and I didn't have the energy to argue my point.
"No. It's not."
"Jayden Gonzalez, how could you forget our anniversary?"
If I was actually mad at him I would have at least made an effort to pick my head up, but I remained lazily resting in my arms.
"It's not our anniversary. I don't even think we have a set anniversary."
"Anniversaries are for old people." Maya comments smugly making me roll my eyes and dig my head further into my burrow hole of avoidance.
"You know Jayden, if I'm lying, you're supposed to support my lie." He softly runs his hand along my leg. I couldn't remember if I had shaved but I didn't care at the moment.
"Nope, cause I know letting you be alone tonight is a bad idea Cortez."
"We shouldn't be having sleepovers on a school night. It's irresponsible."
I felt them all furrow their brows and shoot weird looks.
"Since when do you care actually about responsibility?"
They were really pushing it today.
I finally lift my head, "Okay, how about I just don't want to?" Their expressions revealed they were clearly thrown off but they lead me to a ridiculous point of agitation then wonder why I snap. People in sour moods don't want to be bothered.
"Jessica—"
"Alright, stop pushing her." Jayden eventually comes to my defense and I was glad he finally realized this was not going to go in any kind of positive direction. It always takes him a bit longer than I'd hope, but he ultimately always reads my mind.
"Listen Jess. You're in a bad mood, and honestly at this point the only thing that's going to make it better is an amazing dance party, food, and emotional talking soooo."
I sigh, they weren't going to let this go. Though it was sometimes infuriating, I had to respect my friends persistence.
"I just want to be alone—"
"If Jayden agrees to get us food are you in?"
Pft. Jayden always refused to buy me food because he was an ass, that meant I was getting a free pass out of this bullshit tonight.
"Definitely." I smile smugly.
The girls both turn to Jayden with demandingly questioning stares.
"Sure." My eyes go insanely wide feeling confusion and betrayal. "WHAT?!" He smirks knowing that it would annoy me to no end. I yank my leg off of him and push him far from me, scooting to the opposite end of the bench.
"I'm gay now guys." Ryan nearly falls off his seat not expecting my statement. "Liar." I shrug sending Jayden a dirty look, "I don't know. Maddie's looking pretty hot right now, you still single?" Ryan dramatically whips his head back cackling, forcing the rest of us to join in.
"Only for you Jess." Maddie responds with a wink making me roll my eyes with a smile of my own.
I really love my friends.
————
We dance stupidly around my room, I hated to admit that it made me feel a bit better. I slowly started to forget my troubles realizing that I still had time before I had to worry about the future.
I receive a text which momentarily disrupts the music and I stop swaying to read it.
Lucinda- Bubbles it's really hard.
I try to block out the music, squinting my eyes to focus on my phone. It surprised me that my parents hadn't slammed the door down and demanded me to lower the music, though I wasn't even one hundred percent sure they were home.
Jess- What is sunshine?
There's a knock on my window and I throw my phone down, slightly lowering the music before sliding it open.
It was really convenient that I had the fire escape stairs next to my window or else sneaking out and sneaking people in would be an insane challenge.
"Here." He was carrying two bags packed with fast food that almost made me want to forgive him for not backing up my lies like a good boyfriend should.
I snatch the bags with a fake sour expression, passing them to Maddie before turning back to him leaning on the windowsill.
"You still gay?"
"Depends."
"On?"
God his smirk was beautiful. Sometimes I wondered why this statuesque boy who could have literally anyone he laid his eyes on chose me.
"Are you sorry?"
"Are you in a better mood?"
"I guess."
"Then no."
I suck my teeth trying hard to suppress a smile, I didn't want him to be right, but it was hard to stay vexed when I hear him chuckle.
"Fine. Then I'm still gay."
He smirks mischievously and grabs my face gently, bending down with his lips against my neck, "If you want me to stop, you let me know at any time." And he kisses me tenderly, traveling to my throat, "like now." Then to my jawline, "or now." Next my cheek, and I knew he felt the heat radiating from my body which only drove him. "Or even now, if these straight acts are making you uncomfortable." He kisses the corner of my mouth and I roll my eyes finally fed up, grabbing a hold of his face and crashing my lips against his.
His hands move from my face to my hips while mine moved to drape around his neck, allowing him to take the lead as he naturally does.
It was times like this, when the fireworks were exploding that I feared I might catch on fire and burn to the ground. I was too emotionally invested in a boy that wasn't promised to me. But how could I not be? He's been through everything with me.
If we broke up, he could probably bounce back and find a girl hastily, but me? It wasn't from lack of suitors but more a suspected lack of strength. Just thinking about it made my heart ache, I couldn't imagine if it actually happened.
His kiss was the kind of kiss that made the ground split open and you didn't even care if you fell through because at least you're falling with him. It was gentle but demanding, I was melting, and if it wasn't for one of my friends yanking me back, I would have been a puddle on the floor.
"Alright, we get it love birds."
He always looked extremely satisfied while I was left breathless, flushed, and wanting more after bouts of affection. It wasn't fair.
"Straight again?" The corner of my mouth lifts as I run a cold finger along my bottom lip, "I don't know. You may have to try again." He nearly falls over with laughter and I had to turn away to keep myself from joining in. "No. You two are cut off. Goodbye Jayden." I resist the urge to protest the demands of my obnoxious friends.
"I'm being kicked out." I purse my lips with a shrug, "Sorry. This kind of stuff happens sometimes even to hot athletes." He smirked and I kissed his cheek goodbye, before he climbed back down, and I closed the window feeling a million times better than I did before.
The music is raised and I dance along absentmindedly, completely forgetting about my phone.
~~~
My phone rings boisterously and I groan, hating myself for not remembering to shut the ringer off.
"Jessica, turn it off!" Maya whines rolling over while putting a pillow over her head to block out the noise. I huff sitting up, "I'm going, I'm going."
I grab my phone off the nightstand table and squint at the brightness trying to read the name of the caller before I simply declined. I see Lucinda's name flashing and silently reprimand myself for forgetting to text her back. It was probably something important if she was calling me this late, or maybe she was drunk and didn't realize the time.
The life of a crazy college kid.
I inhale deeply, standing up with some struggle to move towards the bathroom so I wouldn't interrupt my friends' sleeping with my phone call.
Leaping up onto my sink counter and leaning my back against the mirror with shut eyes, I answer.
"Hello?" I wasn't sure if I was imagining it but I was pretty sure I could hear crying. "Bubbles?" She whimpered and I was suddenly alarmed. I've gone through way too much shit to take crying in the middle of the night as a joke.
"Sunshine, what's wrong?" There was loud music playing in the back but no chatter so I knew she wasn't at a party, the music also had a melancholy and eerie vibe, basically confirming she was home with her own playlist.
"You didn't answer my texts. I really had to get something off my chest."
"I'm sorry love, it completely slipped my mind. Are you alright?"
I employed a soft calming voice in hopes that it would soothe her crying since I was already straining to hear her over the music.
"The devil is gripping me by the ankles bubbles, and he's not letting me go." I didn't know what the hell she was talking about and it was really starting to freak me out. "Lucy, I need you to lower the music. I can't hear you." She sighs and sniffles, but the volume of the piano melody doesn't go down, "There's no point anymore bubs."
I jump off the counter getting a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"Point to what Lucy? You're not making any sense. Start from the beginning."
"I had to get something off my chest Jess. You should have answered the phone."
She was starting to sound annoyed through her sobbing and it was only alarming me even more. What the fuck was she talking about?
"I'm sorry Lucy, my phone was— dead. What's happening?"
"You didn't answer the phone and I did something very stupid." She began using her sleepy toddler voice that I only heard her use while intoxicated.
Brimming with stress I run my hand through my hair roughly, yanking out a few strands.
"Honey, what did you do?"
I got the same horrible feeling I got every time something bad was going to happen.
"I hurt myself a little. I know, I know. It was stupid. Who wants scars all over their body? But I was just reading and reading to distract myself and in every story they fantasize about this amazing sensation you get... I just didn't feel it."
My eyes go painfully wide and I run back into my room, straight to the closet to get some clothes.
"Are you bleeding a lot?"
"Of course I am silly."
I lay the phone down on the shelf, putting it on speaker while I grabbed a random pair of shorts and a hoodie.
"You sound delirious. Are you drunk?"
"It may be that. May be the blood loss. I'm no doctor."
"Lucinda, I need you to tell me where you are right now."
My clothes were on in an instant and I was quickly on the floor forcing on shoes.
"I'm home, but it doesn't matter bubbles."
I huff standing back up feeling excruciatingly anxious and sick to my stomach.
"Of course it matters Lucy, tell me what happened. What's wrong? Tell me everything."
"It's just a long sob story bubs."
"I wanna hear it sunshine."
I needed to stall her so she wouldn't do anything else stupid.
I knew that Lucinda had secrets and baggage, everyone has something. She was always so unnaturally happy and careless, I always sensed there was something biting at her. I never knew it was this bad. I hoped that if it was ever this bad, she would tell me.
She did try to tell me.
"Remember a while back, when we were talking about shitty parents?" I didn't really remember but I didn't want to frustrate her so I played along, "Yeah, what about them?" She emits a high pitched sigh and I could sense her exhaustion but I hoped it wasn't from blood loss.
"Well my daddy used to do bad things to me... like touch me. Of course not the way yours did but..." Was definitely not expecting anything this dark. Out of all the horrible things my parents did to me, I was glad they never crossed that line. Though my mother proved nothing's too taboo for her.
"He went to prison, but he's getting out soon. Started sending me letters. Says he misses me... and my body.." She starts to whimper again and I cringe, my heart nearly bursting with sympathy for the hurting girl.
Some people really shouldn't be allowed to become parents.
I speedily climb out the window and start to run down the fire escape.
At this moment, all I could think was if I wasn't so comfortably dependent on Jayden and my parents to drive me places, I would have my own vehicle and wouldn't be delayed right now.
"It was all becoming a bit overwhelming. I shut down for a while. Harper broke up with me because of it. Said "I had to learn to love myself before I could love her." My mom started yelling at me today because I hadn't completely started college yet. She said I was going to turn out just like my father... everything is just getting so bad bubbles. Some days I don't even feel like waking up—"
I cough to cover up a rising sob of my own hating that I had to hear these sentiments leave her mouth. Her torment rang mercilessly because I knew exactly how she felt. Feeling like living is pointless and dying would be easier for everyone around you including yourself. That idea of being a burden and assuming a black nothingness would be blissful in comparison to the constant pain faced in your everyday life. I used to feel that way.
But she had to know that if she only pulled through for another hour, another day, a week, or year— it would all get better.
"No Lucy. Don't say that."
I start to make a run for Jayden's house, I was forever grateful for the fact that he only lived a few houses down.
If I tried to steal my parents car, they would kill me, not only for driving in the middle of the night but for taking the car without permission. And waking them up would only delay me further since I knew they would refuse to go anywhere without an explanation.
"I've made a mess." I knew she wasn't talking about her life anymore, she was most likely commenting on the mess she's made on her body.
"Why didn't you tell someone?"
"I tried calling you."
I felt guilt eating at me every time I heard her repeat her accusation.
I reach Jayden's house and felt disrespectful unlocking the door and stumbling inside up the stairs to his room but ignored the feeling aware that the fear I beard for Lucinda was much greater.
"Blood is such a pretty color. Why do you have to feel pain to see it?"
"Lucy. Stop. Do not move, do not do anything stupid."
I pull the phone away from my face and check her contact, sighing in relief when I realize I had written her address down at some point during our friendship. The only good news I've encountered in the last hour.
In record time I reach Jayden's room trying to be as quiet as possible so I wouldn't wake the whole house. He was sleeping peacefully and I felt horrible knowing I had to wake him up.
"Oops."
"Lucinda, what did you do?"
"I wanted to see more of the pretty color."
I was seconds away from a panic attack. I should have answered the phone. If I had answered the phone, I could have stopped her before she did any of this to herself. Trying to convince her of anything while she was drunk and probably high was nearly impossible.
"Lucinda stop now. You bleed more when you're drunk and you will bleed out. Stop doing shit."
My face was seconds from being flooded with tears. I flick on Jayden's light and grab a pair of sweatpants off his dresser, laying them at the bottom of the bed before shaking him awake.
Jayden groggily opens his eyes looking around confused and exhausted, he then sits up slightly, gaining some consciousness and looks at me lost.
"Cortez? What are you— are you crying?" I could tell Jayden was fed up with my shit, and if he wasn't he should be since I presented a new problem nearly every day.
"I need you to get up." I noticed he was shirtless and only in boxers, but the sight roused no emotion since all I could feel was extreme fear and anxiety.
"What? What time is it?" He looks to the clock and we both see it was three in the morning. We had school the next day, but I couldn't care less. I was desperate at this point, I didn't know how much longer she had.
"Listen to me. I will explain everything in the car. Please get up." And with no further questions he stands up annoyed and dresses himself in the sweatpants I left for him, grabbing a shirt out of his dresser and finding his keys before following me out the door.
I race down the stairs and out of the house with the phone still to my ear trying to listen closely to Lucinda.
"Lucy, are you still with me?"
"My mom says when you get horrible thoughts that you're not supposed to have, it's the devil grabbing a hold of you. I think he's got me bubbles, and he really likes me."
Jayden unlocks the car and I jump in wiping stray hot tears, my stomach practically turning inside out.
I just had to be a fucking idiot, dancing with my stupid friends when I should have been helping Lucinda through her tough times just as she's helped me.
"Sunshine, you've got to fight. You can't let him keep holding onto you."
I couldn't stop the flow of tears once it started and Jayden kept alternating between looking at me and the road. I showed him my phone so he knew the address and where he was going before I glued it back to my ear torturing myself with every tormented sob that escaped her mouth.
"It's like he's got rope tied around my ankles and duct tape around my wrists." I closed my eyes hitting my head softly with my fist.
Please don't let anything bad happen to her. Please don't let anything bad happen to her. Please don't let anything bad happen to her.
"You've got to cut it off. You're stronger than this."
I didn't know what she was talking about but I tried my best to use her own words to soothe her.
"Bubbles, my stomach hurts."
My eyes fly open again and I stare off, my mind running wild.
"Why would your stomach hurt? Did you take anything?"
"I can't remember."
"Lucinda you need to remember!" By now I was shouting at her and I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it.
Jayden stops the car and I look at him with an accusing narrowed gaze, this was no time for his games.
"We're here." He read my mind and I felt a bit of relief upon jumping out of his car and running towards the front door.
"Lucy, I need you to open the front door."
"I can't stand bubbles."
"Then tell me which door is open, or a window. Maybe a spare key?"
She sighs and takes a while to answer. She was probably exhausted and drugged out, but I couldn't fix anything if I couldn't get in.
This was all on me.
"I think my bedroom window is open."
I move to the side of the house and see only one window had light shining through. It wasn't very high and the house wasn't very big, but I was still too short.
Jayden was by my side in seconds and I appreciated how despite how confused and worried he was, he didn't interrogate me.
"Hang up, put the phone in your pocket." I look at him with hesitant eyes but he gave me stern ones demanding me to comply.
I oblige and he instantly lifts me up allowing me to reach the window, I push it open with audible effort and half of my body hangs while he pushes the rest of me inside. I land on the floor with a thump but ignored the pain in my side.
Her room smelled of alcohol, sweat, vomit, and blood.
Jayden enters through the window with less effort being taller and stronger than I am.
I spot the door to her bathroom and quickly run to it jiggling the doorknob. It was locked.
"Sunshine. Open up."
The sound of coughing and crying rang inside but I detected no response.
The music was coming from a stereo next to her bed and I quickly reach over turning it down to ease my pounding headache.
"My love. I really need you to open the door." My stomach started churning again and I felt I was going to throw up myself.
"I can't." She answers weakly and I almost collapsed in defeat.
Jayden pushes me to the side to examine the door handle seeing it needed a key, he reaches up, feeling along the door frame, and after hearing a weird noise a key manifests in his hand.
He unlocks the door knowing my hands would be too shaky to do it then steps aside to let me enter.
The sight was gut wrenching and I felt the devil grabbing onto my ankle a bit too.
She lays on her side trembling, the phone in front of her face, blood surrounding her and soaking her clothes. The metallic smell was overwhelming. I examine the sink and find droplets of bright red blood painted near a normal looking razor that I know did much more harm than intended.
A pill bottle rested by her feet and I instantly bend down to examine it. I read: Prozac (fluoxetine) and immediately recognized it as a type of anti-depressant.
I crawl over to Lucinda and hold her face. Her eyes looked soullessly blank and her face was pale.
"Sunshine how many of these did you take?" She didn't answer, I saw her eyelid twitch and had never been more terrified.
I put two fingers on the side of her neck in search of a pulse, I found one but it was weak.
"Lucinda HOW MANY DID YOU TAKE?" She weakly laughed and I was singularly grateful for the fact that she was responding.
"The whole thing. I don't like the devil... he's mean." My skin felt wet and I look down to find myself kneeling in her blood. Dark red, almost black, and thinking back to my science class, I knew that wasn't good. It meant that it was unoxygenated and coming from a main blood source.
I lift her wrist and see around three deep vertical cuts. She probably didn't have enough energy to make anymore. They were messy and jagged, and you could definitely see she has hit a vein or almost hit one, but it was terrifyingly close to a main pulse point.
"Jayden, call an ambulance, I can't fix—." But I turn back to see he was already on the phone being the more grounded and practical one.
I grab a towel and apply pressure to the still bleeding lacerations. I didn't know what to do, I wasn't a doctor.
"Lucy I think you need to throw them up." She shakes her head, "I don't want to." Her defiance frustrated me and it was hard to focus when my body was battling fear and sorrow, "You have to!" I try to sit her up, but she lands in my lap. Her blood was everywhere and I felt like I was in the middle of a murder scene. My crime. I did this.
"I just wanted to hear your voice bubbles."
I began sobbing, rocking back and forth with her in my arms.
"I know sunshine. I should have answered the phone. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." I couldn't breathe, the oxygen was thin almost nonexistent and my heart was going a mile a minute.
I felt the sweat running down her back, though I couldn't tell the difference between her sweat and blood.
"Lucy please. Stay awake. Just for a little bit longer." Her eyelids began drooping and I felt my heart and hopes dropping.
This was my fault, this was all me. I should have answered the phone. She's helped me so many times and the one time she needed my help, I wasn't there.
"Sing me a song bubbles." The tears coming out of my eyes were boiling and felt like acid, "I can't sing sunshine." She started to tremble even more in arms. Or maybe it was me that was shaking.
"I just want to hear your voice. I just wanted to hear..." She starts to convulse and my eyes bug out in alarm. I heard screaming and it took me a while to figure out it was my own.
Foam started to slip out of her mouth and I was seconds away from passing out. The pain and remorse were strangling me.
I turned her on her side and cushioned her head, remembering hearing that direction once or twice in an Anatomy class. With gentleness, I brush her hair back still weeping, wishing there were more I knew how to do. Maybe if I had gotten here a second earlier, if we had called the ambulance minutes before, or if I had answered her STUPID TEXTS— none of this would be happening. I resented myself for such lack of clear thinking.
She stops and I have to roughly wipe my tears to get myself to focus.
"Sunshine?" I place her back on her back and feel for a pulse finding none, "Lucy?" I shake her, praying to some higher power that she would wake up, "LUCY!" I was now hysteric, letting out loud convulsive gasps trying my hardest to breathe and hold my eyes open.
I position my hands on her chest and try to horribly recreate resurrection scenes from action movies, with weak CPR that probably wouldn't do much to sustain her, but was better than nothing.
"Please wake up." My throat felt raw and I knew I looked like a complete and total mess.
I increasingly pushed harder on her chest, but it seemed nothing was working. It was me now that was exhausted.
This was all my fault.
This was all my fault.
This was all my fault.
"Cortez stop." Jayden demands me softly seeing how manic I was trying to bring her back from the dead.
"Jess. Stop." I wouldn't listen to him. I was covered in her blood, sweat, and tears, and maybe a bit of throw up but I wouldn't stop till I saw some sign of life.
"Jessica." He tears me away from her and I let out an involuntary sob of agony. She was dead. She was dead and it was on me. She depended on me and I let her down.
He sat behind me and forced me into his chest using all his strength to hold me together as I fell apart.
"It's all my fault." I admitted between howls. "Jessica, she was drunk, she was sleep deprived, she lost blood, she overdosed. There was nothing you could have done." I shake my head not believing a word that came out of his mouth.
None of that would have been set into motion if I would've just picked up my fucking phone.
"What are you all doing in my house? What's wrong with Lucy?" I slowly look up and over my shoulder in shock at this horrible mother who was suddenly realizing that something was going on in her house.
How did she not notice the booming music? Or her daughter's crying? Or even my screaming?
Lucinda lies still in my lap and I caress her face wishing that it were me instead of her.
"Lucy's dead." I choke out moving hair out of her face affectionately. "SHE'S WHAT?!" Her mother sounded more angry than hurt and it infuriated me.
"Let me see her." I draped myself over her body protectively, my sobs racking me again and I felt that if I couldn't protect her from her family while she was alive, I would at least do what I could while she was dead.
"Jess." Jayden warns me softly knowing I wasn't stable. The woman tries to grab her roughly but I swat her away, "Don't touch her!" There was a loud pounding downstairs and she shrieks with annoyance leaving the scene to go open the door to what would most likely be the police.
I kissed Lucinda's forehead gently, "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I should have been here for you." I couldn't stop my chest from heaving and my jaw felt sore while my eyes burned, "I could have done so much more."
It was all my fault.