(TW/CW: mention of alcohol, slight implied suicidal thoughts, mention of selfharm, homophobia and transphobia)
Jimmy shakily peeled the tape away from his school ID, trying to explain to the parking garage staff that he would be finished as soon as possible.
"Look at her, taped up her ID and everything," the man scoffed, Jimmy digging at the blue painters tape faster. He had practiced taking it off but apparently it wasn't fast enough. He felt his chest tighten at the misgendered pronouns and the way the man said it loudly to the other men. There was nobody in the car lanes for tbe parking garage anyway. Jimmy shouldn't need to struggle to go faster.
After another moment of watching Jimmy struggle, the man sighed. "Do you have a parking permit?"
"Yes, of course," Jimmy nodded his head, pulling a strip off.
The man stepped away and walked to the back of the car, undoubtedly looking for the permit. He came back after a moment and nodded his head. "Alright, you can go."
"Thanks," Jimmy mumbled under his breath, dropping his ID and driving the car into the garage.
The car was silent for a moment.
"You must hate having your legal name on your ID," one of the passengers spoke up from the back of the car. Jimmy could barely make out who it was from the fluff that clouded his mind.
"Yeah, along with my picture," he drove up the steep ramps quickly.
"Does the school at least respect your name and pronouns?"
Jimmy felt like he could vomit, but he knew he looked cool and composed on the outside. "No, nobody really does. Only people in the dorm know and respect it, and I only told one professor. She doesn't seem to respect it anyways." The car went slightly faster as he went past rows of cars to get to the next ramp. His hands were pale against the steering wheel, clenched tight around it.
"That sucks."
"Yeah," Jimmy thought it would be better to just take a dive off the parking garage than continue the conversation.
---
Jimmy curled into himself. He stared at the shared bathroom, feeling sick to his stomach.
He thought that maybe it was fine coming out to everyone around him, but it felt dangerous day after day. His parents didn't even know, and he was trapped in his own body.
Until he found out one of his suitemates had purposefully told him that nobody could be trans and go into the career he was wanting to.
And he agreed because he internally agreed.
Not completely, at least. He would love and adore the people who were, but he wasn't one of them. He was just a sorry excuse for a boy. He could never truly be a man.
He looked up as the door open. Scott stumbled in from undoubtedly another late night party.
Jimmy wished he could go to at least one.
"Hi, how are you?" His roommate asked, slurring and stumbling all over the place.
Jimmy shakily smiled. It didn't matter anyway. Scott probably couldn't see him in the dark. "I'm doing fine, how was the party?" Scott started gushing about the party and about how much fun he had. Jimmy had to clench his hands.
It wasn't fair. His roommate was openly gay, more open than Jimmy was about his own transgender identity. Jimmy was called all sorts of genders, but nobody truly knew or cared. Some said it out of spite, hating him for existing. Scott, on the other hand, was popular with everyone. He had friends over all the time, going to parties weekly and returning drunk. Some people loved him because he was gay. Nobody could say the same about Jimmy.
But it was better him than Scott. He would hate for his roommate to become like him, an isolated and quiet boy, sleeping all day to escape from self-loathing.
He would hate for Scott to find out what he goes through daily.
---
Jimmy returned from the parking garage the same night, tearing the blue tape fully off his ID. Tears pooled in his eyes.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid," he berated himself, throwing the ID to the ground. Why did he do such a stupid and pathetic thing? He just wanted to hide his face and name, but it only caused problems.
He paced his half of the room, not even worried about whether Scott was around. He was probably at a friend watching Dance Moms like he usually was.
Nails dug into his scalp, and he briefly looked at the keys he threw haphazardly onto his desk. No, he wouldn't. He promised he wouldn't after he had left lines across his wrist, ones that were so bad that they hadn't faded yet after weeks.
Despite his inner turmoil, he grabbed the keys and entered the bathroom.
---
Jimmy looked up as his legal name was spoken, seeing the drink he ordered. He thought it was odd that the barista hadn't asked for his name when placing his order, but now he knew why.
They read it off his license.
He grabbed the cold drink and rushed back to the dorms. He didn't care if he looked manic as he struggled to open doors and find his key.
Once he was finally in the dorm, he looked at his name etched on the cup in Sharpie.
Tears rolled down his cheeks as he put the cup down, tearing apart his drawer to find anything to cover the hideous scrawl.
Eventually, he found painter tape.
He ripped a few pieces off and layered it over the name on the cup, over and over, to cover it completely. He then saw his ID in his phone case.
Jimmy grabbed it and took his time to measure out the tape and cover everything he hated on it. He covered most of his legal name besides his last name and then the picture that mocked him.
After finishing, he got into bed, grabbing the drink with him.
In exhaustion, he chugged it and passed out, hoping his roommate wouldn't barge into the room like he usually did.
---
Martyn, one of his two suitemates, was drunk.
Jimmy sat on the ottoman in his room, Rendog, Martyn's friend, calmly handling what Jimmy couldn't. He had never drank alcohol. He didn't know how to treat somebody when they were close to blackout drunk.
Jimmy leaned his head against the wall as he watched his friend. Ren passed the trashcan back to him to place back on the ground.
"Jimmy, go to bed," Martyn groaned, being forced to drink water. "I know how you go to bed early and are always worried about us, go to bed, I'll be fine," he slurred, leaning against Ren.
Jimmy shook his head. "It's okay, I haven't been going to bed early, and I want to be here for you."
That seemed to upset Martyn further. "Jimmyyy," he cried, closing his eyes, "you need to sleep."
"I'm an adult, Martyn, I can handle myself." Jimmy said lovingly despite having to hand the trashcan back to Ren.
After another round of purging alcohol, Martyn noticed Jimmy again. "Go to bed, you... wonderful person," he had tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Martyn, it's fine-"
"Y-You are such a wonderful friend," Martyn was now sobbing, staring right at Jimmy. The sober stared with big eyes, unsure what to do or say. He looked to Ren for guidance, but even he looked unsure. "You are so nice and caring despite you going through so much, I love you so much."
"That's very nice, Martyn, now how about you try to sleep-"
"I hate that your mom doesn't call you by your pronouns."
Jimmy felt his blood freeze. His mouth felt dry all of a sudden, Martyn did not just say that, right?
But it was true, Martyn kept blubbering on, but Jimmy was stuck on that.
His mom didn't even know his pronouns; he never came out to her or his dad. Of course they would call him feminine names and pronouns. It wasn't that she didn't respect his pronouns or she wouldn't in the future but he was scared regardless. He knew his parents would accept him but there was a voice in his head telling him that he would be disowned and hated. Martyn knew that but those words cut deep.
Jimmy didn't even know how to feel about them.
He clenched the jacket around him further, there were recent scars on his arms that he quickly covered to help his suitemate but he wanted to add more. He didn't know what for.
Jimmy didn't know if he could handle this any longer.
---
Of course Jimmy ended up with the LGBTQ+ topic for the presentation.
He decided to choose last so everybody else could get what they wanted and then he was paired with a group mate. They were left with two options to present about and the one that was left for him was one that he felt passionate about.
But not everybody did.
He noticed somebody glaring at him from their seat. It was hard to ignore their gaze as he was standing at the front and there were only seven people watching.
"So, a nonbinary person-"
He paused as a hand went up. Nobody raised hands for the previous presentations or presenters. His heart rate picked up.
"Yes?" He called on them.
"What is a nonbinary person?"
Jimmy took a deep breath and explained but all the while, he was internally screaming. He thought everyone was at least a little knowledgeable but apparently he was wrong. Despite that, he explained it in depth for everyone to understand. He suddenly felt so underrepresented and like an outlier.
Especially since nobody in the class exactly knew what his connection to the community was.
They could probably tell he was different by his short hair that was cut to look exactly like a boy's cut, but his chest wasn't flat. He couldn't hide what he was born with, and therefore, people automatically assumed.
He walked all alone back to his dorm after class, hearing the echos of his classmates talking together.
---
Jimmy looked around at his suitemates for the next year.
They had known his pronouns and name before he even met them, undoubtedly the doing of his friend, Tango, letting them know beforehand.
"This is Jimmy. He is going to be our dormmate next semester!" One of them introduced him to their own friend.
They knew and welcomed him with open arms. None of them looked at him like he was an anamoly or like a monster.
They looked at him like he was Jimmy.
(I decided to share some experiences that i had gone through with my first year in college. I feel that I needed to get it off my chest, but I usually project onto my favorite characters, lol.