CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN !
⤷ ❝ I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. ❞
zararossi added a photo to their story.
my twin (fr) 🐿
my twin (fr) 🐿 ─── lena
my doppelganger. ─── zara
my twin (fr) 🐿
hellooooo my lovely sister
u are sooooo pretty
saw your instagram story
drop dead gorggggggg
my doppelganger.
what do u want lena
my twin (fr) 🐿
to tell my wonderful sister how beautiful she is ?
like is that so wrong ????????
my doppelganger.
so that's it
u just wanted to tell me i'm pretty
my twin (fr) 🐿
yes 😊
my doppelganger.
oh
wow
thanks
my twin (fr) 🐿
okay so that's not all 😊😊😊😊😊
my doppelganger.
sigh
none of my siblings love me fr
my twin (fr) 🐿
i do love u !!
because i love u so much i want to trust u with a HUGE task
my doppelganger.
let's just get to it
my twin (fr) 🐿
so um.
since you're out right now..
i figure u could stop by the sturniolo household for me?????
i left my computer charger there AND my aquaphor i'm about to die
my doppelganger.
use xavi's charger and some vaseline you'll live
in fact
doordash u some wtf
my twin (fr) 🐿
NO.
i want mine 😕😕
i've grown attached to that one
my doppelganger.
clearly not if you're leaving it at someone else's house
my twin (fr) 🐿
zar 😕
do u want me to fail my class????
xavier's using his charger and you're not home for me to use yours
my doppelganger.
lena.
my twin (fr) 🐿
whatever 😕
i see how it is
u don't want to see your own TWIN succeed
smh
i would have never done this to u
my doppelganger.
are u gaslighting me rn
my twin (fr) 🐿
is it working ?
my doppelganger.
sigh
u owe me one
i'll drop by rn
where are they
my twin (fr) 🐿
I LOVE U
U ARE THE BEST PERSON ON THE PLANET
I LOVE U I LOVE U I LOVE U
nick's room
text him i think he's home
my doppelganger.
k.
my twin (fr) 🐿
i love u
u get permanent aux for the next week
my doppelganger.
we listen to the same music.
my twin (fr) 🐿
well isn't that convenient!
my doppelganger.
just make sure xavier doesn't eat my last icee popsicle
or the entire house will be in flames.
my twin (fr) 🐿
on it captain.
nasty nicolas 😜😜😜
nasty nicolas 😜😜😜 ─── nick
zarius the third 🆘 ─── zara
zarius the third 🆘
hi nick
are u home ?
nasty nicolas 😜😜😜
are u trying to booty call me
thought that was a u and matt thing..
zarius the third 🆘
okay i get it
u and lena are spies and knew the whole time very funny
nasty nicolas 😜😜😜
sorry i had to make at least one joke
i didn't get to while it was still current
how'd xavier take it btw
zarius the third 🆘
honestly we haven't spoken about it but i know he was mad
i could just tell he didn't talk to
me for like two days
he's honestly still a little upset
we kept him out of the loop
it's "us treating him like a baby" 💔
nasty nicolas 😜😜😜
aw i feel bad
zarius the third 🆘
me too but this is why i didn't want him to know 😕
anyway are u home
nasty nicolas 😜😜😜
no why?
zarius the third 🆘
lena wants me to pick up her aquaphor and computer charger
nasty nicolas 😜😜😜
no one is home but u honestly can go pick it up real quick
u know the code right?
do u know where it is?
u haven't been over in so long
zarius the third 🆘
ntm.
i've been busy
where is it?
nasty nicolas 😜😜😜
they're in my desk drawer
first one
zarius the third 🆘
alright
thanks nick
nasty nicolas 😜😜😜
of course
ZARA'S HANDS TAP ON THE STEERING WHEEL as she pulls into the driveway of the sturniolo house. it's late afternoon, and the sky is a mix of orange and pink. fall is fully here and zara is here for it.
she also here for the sight of no cars parked in the driveway, signaling that no one is home. she's not sure she could handle seeing matt right now. they haven't spoken since their fight and zara isn't sure there is anything left to say between the two of them.
taking a deep breath, zara shuts off the engine, opens the car door, and steps out onto the pavement, the cool breeze ruffling her hair. the house looms before her, a familiar sight that makes her feel a little guilty.
because of her whole thing with matt, she's kind of been avoiding nick and chris too. she's not sure how much matt has told them, but she doesn't really want to find out either. she knows she can't avoid matt forever, especially since they share the same group of friends. but right now, she needs some time to cool off and collect herself before facing him.
zara's footsteps are sluggish as she approaches the house. she's done this walk numerous of times. sometimes on her own, sometimes with her lips attached to matt's. it's weird. how things change.
she reaches the front door and punches in the familiar code, the keypad emitting a soft whir as it unlocks. pushing the door open, she steps inside, greeted by the eerie silence of the empty house.
the familiar scent of home envelops her as she makes her way through the hallway, her footsteps muffled by the plush carpet beneath her feet. she's grateful for the absence of noise, allowing her thoughts to settle.
passing by the living room, she heads straight for the staircase. the steps lowkey take her out by the time she gets up there. her breathing is a little ragged. kind of embarrassing. she's relieved when she reaches the second floor, the air feeling cooler as she continues down the hallway.
finally, she arrives at nick's room and pushes the door open, the hinges creaking softly in protest. zara crosses the room in a few quick strides, her eyes scanning the familiar surroundings. she reaches nick's desk and pulls open the top drawer like he said.
spotting lena's charger and aquaphor, she reaches out and grabs them, the smooth plastic cool against her skin. she tucks them into her bag, her movements quick and efficient as she tries to avoid lingering in the house any longer than necessary.
with a final glance around the room, zara turns on her heel and heads for the door. she closes the door behind her with a soft click and begins to make her way back down the stairs.
the steps seem longer this time, each one a reminder of the distance she's put between herself and the people she cares about. her mind is consumed with thoughts of matt and their unresolved issues, and she barely pays attention to her surroundings as she goes down the steps.
but as she reaches the bottom of the staircase, her heart skips a beat when she sees matt standing there, his expression mirroring her own surprise. his eyes widen in disbelief, and for a moment, neither of them speaks, the silence heavy between them.
zara is a little frustrated considering nick had told her no one would be home, and yet here matt stands. "what are you doing here?" she blurts out, her tone sharp with surprise.
matt blinks, taken aback by her abrupt question. "i live here," he replies, his voice calm but his brow is furrowed. zara realizes it was a stupid question to ask.
zara's eyes widen at his response, realizing her mistake. she shakes her head. "no, i meant, why are you here now? nick told me no one was home," she clarifies, folding her arms across her chest as a defensive mechanism. "but i didn't mean to say it out loud."
matt nods, his backpack still slung over his shoulders and his keys dangling from the belt loop of his jeans. "i just got here," he explains, gesturing towards his belongings as if to emphasize his point.
zara hums softly, feeling embarrassmed at the situation. she takes a step down, fully off the staircase and her eyes flicker towards the door as if contemplating making a quick exit.
"i'm gonna go," she mumbles. she doesn't want to linger in this awkward environment any longer than necessary. but just as she's about to walk past matt, he reaches out and gently grabs her arm, stopping her in her tracks. zara freezes, her heart rate quickening at the unexpected touch.
"wait," matt says softly. zara stops walking and matt turns to face her. he gives her a small smile. "how are you?"
zara's breath catches in her throat at the genuine concern in his voice. she meets his gaze, searching his eyes for any sign of insincerity. but she doesn't find any. for a moment, she's at a loss for words.
"i..." zara begins before stopping herself. he's staring at her with those eyes that make her just want to give in. "i'm fine, matt." but she doesn't. she doesn't open up to him. she can't.
matt nods slowly as he watches her closely. he's staring at her like he's waiting for her to say something more, but zara has nothing else to say. matt realizes this and speaks up.
"i'm sorry about the fight," he says softly. his eyes dart away from her's for a minute as he scratches his chin. "i didn't mean for things to escalate like that."
he runs a hand over his mouth and meets zara's gaze once more. zara is trying to ignore the way her stomach is doing little things as she listens to his words. the way being close to him still makes her feel some type of way.
"but i'm not sorry for what i said," matt continues. zara's heart drops. she was hoping that he wouldn't say something like this. she wishes he would just leave her be. it would be so much easier for everyone. "i meant every word. and i get it, you're with grayson and i was stupid but... i care about you. i've always cared about you and i always will, so stop saying that i don't care about you."
zara feels like she's drowning with each word matt speaks. she wants to believe him, she really does, but it's hard to trust someone who's hurt her so many times before. she wants to hear him, but it's hard when she spent forever waiting for these words, but she's already heard the same ones from someone else.
her boyfriend.
"why did it take you so long to start showing that you care?" she asks, narrowing her eyes at him. she's genuinely curious now. "am i supposed to just know? am i supposed to just guess?"
her mind drifts back to that drunken night when she accidently told matt she loved him, only to be met with nothing in return. she doesn't remember the night well, but she remembers waking up alone the next morning, the empty space beside her.
if it weren't for that day, her and matt would probably be doing the same exact shit they're doing right now. going back and forth and getting absolutely nowhere.
matt's gaze softens at her question, his eyes searching hers for a moment before he responds. "zara, the way you make me feel... it's... intimidating," he admits. zara can see him toying with his fingers. "you're a woman zara. what you want is what you get. all i've wanted is to give you what you want or... at least what i thought you wanted."
he shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath. when he opens them again, zara feels as though a new part of him has just been uncovered.
"i've been hurt before and i didn't like the feeling. didn't want to feel it again." matt shakes his head as he looks away from her for a second. "so i built this new me that didn't care about anything. you're the first person to make me want to get rid of the new me. to make me want to care."
zara can understand what it's like to be afraid, to build walls around yourself as a defense mechanism against getting hurt again. but she doesn't understand him using that and then causing her pain in the process.
she knows what it's like to want to bury your emotions, to pretend like nothing fazes you, only to have someone come along and make you question everything you thought you knew about yourself.
he's quite literally doing it to her now.
"what did i do for you to feel like you couldn't just talk to me about it?" she asks, her voice tinged with a mix of frustration and curiosity. "was i not there for you? did i do something wrong?"
her mind races with questions, each one more desperate than the last. she wants answers, she needs answers, but she's not sure if she's ready to hear them. not when the truth might hurt more than the silence.
zara realizes that they can't be having this conversation. as matt starts to speak again, zara raises her hands, a silent gesture for him to stop. she can't bear to hear any more, not when her mind is already reeling.
"actually, i don't want to know," she interjects. she shakes her head and matt's hands reach out to her as she begins to step away from him. "we can't be having this conversation while i'm in a relationship."
she doesn't wait for matt to respond as she brushes past him and heads towards the door. her hand is on the doorknob and she's ready to make her escape. that is until matt's voice stops her in her tracks.
"zara," he calls out, his tone pleading. "do you really love him?"
the question hangs in the air. zara doesn't know what to say. there shouldn't be anything to say. not when she's made a commitment to someone else, not when she's already walked down that path before and been left brokenhearted.
she can't look at him. she can't bring herself to say the words he so desperately wants to hear.
"matt," zara says, her voice barely above a whisper.
"zara, please," he pleads, taking a step closer to her. he's almost begging at this point. "just tell me the truth. do you acutally love him? is he actually what you want?"
zara's breath catches in her throat. she wants to say yes, wants to reassure matt that she's moved on, but the words stick in her throat like bile. she wants to say yes, but what the fuck does that word even mean to matt?
he couldn't even acknowledge her when she said it to him. why does he want to care that she's saying it to someone else now?
there might cracks in her relationship with grayson, the doubts with things with his parents that have been gnawing at her for months. but they shouldn't be big enough for matt to just seep through.
and so, she does the only thing she can. she turns away from matt and opens the door to leave.
"zara, wait," matt calls after her, his voice tinged with desperation. but she doesn't stop. she can't. because deep down, she knows that if she turns back now, she'll be lost. lost in matt and his sea of blue eyes, with no way to find her way back to shore when he decides that he doesn't want her to swim in them anymore.
FLASHBACK!
THE MUSIC IS SO LOUD that it not only drowns out all other sounds, but it drowns out all other thoughts. matt stands at the edge of the room, a glass in hand, watching the people with a sense of detachment. he takes a sip of his drink, the burn of the liquor warming his throat as he scans the room for familiar faces.
no one really caught his eye tonight. well there is someone, but she always catches his eye.
across the club, zara moves with an effortless grace, her body swaying to the rhythm of the music as if she's been choreographed by the gods themselves.
matt isn't sure how she's so good after how much she's had to drink.
there's a sparkle in her eyes, a mischievous glint that hints at the secrets she holds behind her playful smile. as she dances, her confidence radiates from every pore. she knows she's good, and she loves the attention she receives from those around her.
but there are a few who try to get too close, their hands reaching out to touch her, their bodies pressing in too closely. matt's jaw clenches at the sight, not liking it one bit.
he doesn't like the way they look at her, the way they try to claim her attention for themselves. but zara handles them with ease, gracefully sidestepping their advances without missing a beat, her focus never wavering from the rhythm of the music.
as the night wears on, the alcohol flows freely, and matt finds himself drifting further and further into a haze of intoxication. he loses track of time, lost in a sea of faces and flashing lights.
it's not until later, much later, that he sees her again. zara appears out of nowhere, her hand outstretched, a mischievous glint in her eyes as she tells him to follow her.
without hesitation, matt takes her hand, allowing her to lead him away from the chaos of the club (that issac got them into because he 'knows a guy'). they stumble out into the cool night air, the sound of the music fading into the background as they make their way to the waiting uber.
in the backseat of the car, they're a tangle of limbs and lips, unable to keep their hands off each other. zara's breath is warm against his skin as she whispers sweet nothings in his ear.
"god, you're so beautiful," matt murmurs, his fingers tracing the curve of her jaw as he drinks in the sight of her. if he didn't drink so much, he would've swore he got drunk just off the sight of her. "did you wear this outfit just for me?"
zara's laughter fills the air, a soft melody that sends warmth spreading through his chest. she refuses to answer his question, a playful smile tugging at the corners of her lips as she leans in to kiss him again.
by the time they reach her house, they're breaths are already ragged, their clothes disheveled and their hearts pounding in sync. they stumble through the hallways, bumping into furniture and walls as they make their way to zara's bedroom, their lips never once leaving each other's.
eventually, they collapse onto the bed in a tangled heap and their bodies meld together like they always do, hands roaming over heated skin.
soon, zara's arms are wrapped tightly around his back as she pulls him closer, her breath hot against his ear. matt buries his face into the crook of her neck, inhaling her scent as he loses himself in the moment.
just as they reach the peak of their passion, their breaths coming in ragged gasps, she whispers those three words that instantly start to sober him up.
"i love you."
matt freezes as he processes what he's just heard. he can't believe it. zara loves him?
they finish, and as matt rolls off of her, his mind races with a million questions, each one more urgent than the last. he's beginning to sober up now, the alcohol-induced haze dissipating with each passing moment as zara rests against his chest, her breathing slow and steady.
a nagging doubt lives at the edges of his mind. she's drunk he tells himself firmly. she didn't mean it. it was just the alcohol talking.
but even as he repeats the words, a persistent voice whispers in the back of his mind, planting seeds of doubt that refuse to be ignored. what if she did mean it? what if those three words weren't just a moment of drunken vulnerability, but her true feelings?
the thought sends a jolt of adrenaline coursing through his veins, his heart pounding erratically in his chest. he's surprised zara hasn't woken up yet. he can't shake the image of zara's flushed cheeks and glassy eyes as she whispered those words, her breath warm against his skin.
matt is honestly starting to get frustrated now. he's spent so long convincing himself that zara only sees him as a friend, that their nights spent together were nothing more than a casual arrangement devoid of any real emotion. and now, she drops this on him, leaving him questioning everything he thought he knew, then falls asleep right after?
it's a cruel twist of fate. just when he's finally managed to suppress his own feelings for her, she comes crashing into his world with her drunken confession, throwing his carefully constructed walls into disarray.
for so long, he's wanted her, but he's always believed that she didn't feel the same way, that she was content to keep things casual between them. and now, faced with the possibility that she might actually reciprocate his feelings, he doesn't know how to process it.
he should be happy, but he keeps remembering that they're drunk. people say all kinds of things when they're drunk.
matt's vulnerability gets the best of him as he lies there in the darkness. he needs to hear zara say those words again, to reassure himself that he didn't just imagine it all in his intoxicated state.
with zara's head resting on his chest, he calls her name softly, hoping she's awake enough to respond. "zara?" she hums in response, and he takes it as a sign to continue. "are you really awake?"
again, zara hums, her breathing steady against his skin. it feels like fire on his bare chest. if she breathes any harder, he's afraid there will be burn marks.
"i love you too," he confesses, his voice barely above a whisper as he waits for her response.
but instead of the words he longs to hear, all zara manages is a soft murmur. "that's... nice," she mumbles, her voice heavy with sleep as she drifts off once more.
matt's heart sinks at her response, a heavy weight settling in the pit of his stomach. he feels stupid, foolish for letting himself get hyped up over some drunken words. he should have known better than to let his guard down, to allow himself to believe that zara's confession was anything more than the product of a night filled with too much alcohol.
maybe she didn't even say it at all. maybe she said "i love this" meaning she loves the situation they're in. maybe even "i love york" talking about the name of the uber driver who took them home.
matt wishes he didn't let his feelings precede his mind, that he didn't allow himself to believe in the possibility of something more between them.
he allows zara to fall asleep on his chest. when he's sure she's drifted off into sleep, he knows he can't stay the night. he needs to go home, to collect himself so he can be normal in the morning.
gently, he removes himself from the bed, covering zara with the blanket as he gathers his scattered clothes from around the room. with each article of clothing he picks up, memories of her lips flood his mind, reminding him of the fleeting moments of bliss they shared.
when he's fully clothed once more, he bends down to press a soft kiss to zara's forehead, whispering into the darkness, "tell me i didn't make it all up in the morning."
with a heavy heart and a clouded mind, he sluggishly makes his way out of her room, the scent of her lingering in the air and on his body. as he stumbles through the hallway, he realizes that he's still indeed drunk, the effects of the alcohol refusing to dissipate completely.
matt calls another uber, wishing he never got in the first one. as he settles into the backseat of the car, the familiar sense of melancholy washes over him. he now has to go to back to pretending that he doesn't like zara. that he doesn't love her.
he knows that he can't afford to let his guard down, not again.
matt realizes that he's now faced with a choice: to continue down the path of denial, or to confront his feelings head-on and risk everything in the process.
END OF FLASHBACK!
MATT SETS HIS BACKPACK DOWN with a heavy sigh. he runs both hands down his face.
what the fuck just happened?
he let zara leave again. the fact that she couldn't answer the question of loving grayson should have been enough for him to chase after her. but he didn't. because even if she doesn't love grayson, that doesn't mean that she wants him either.
walking over to the refrigerator, he grabs a bottle of water, the cool liquid failing to cool his nerves. as he takes a long sip, his mind drifts back to the moment he left zara's house just a few months ago.
he knows that he made the choice to walk away, to retreat into the safety of denial, the moment he stepped out of zara's bed. in that moment, he was consumed by a so many emotions — hurt, embarrassment, and that fear of rejection. shit he was drunk too.
but now, even then he knew, he made the wrong choice. he wishes he had stayed, wishes he hadn't let his pride and fear dictate his actions. the sting of regret gnaws at him, the realization that he may have missed his chance with zara. he hurt her so much before then too.
what could have been.
he's always tried to do what he thought zara wanted, always tried to anticipate her needs without ever directly asking her. but maybe he was wrong. maybe he should have been more upfront about his own desires, more honest about what he wanted from their relationship.
maybe he should have just asked.
maybe he shouldn't have been so stupid.
dgafmatt
liked by d1chrizzgod, goldengirlwannbe, and 363 others
dgafmatt i'm starting to give a fuck.
tagged - ///
comments
user WHO GOT TO HIM
d1chrizzgod time to change the user buddy
↳dgafmatt this actually can't be
user me after making eye contact w a guy
user i need the backstory asap.
whatdeerdoe uh oh
↳dgafmatt uh oh is right
user gaf about me 😊😊😊😊😊
goldengirlwannabe see u when i get home.
↳dgafmatt alr.
twodoriansintocollege u have BEEN giving a fuck. multiple fucks at that
↳dgafmatt just a handful of fucks probably
VAL SPEAKS
how are we feeling.........................
matt loves zara who's surprised 😂😂😂😂