summary: uncertainty plagues her mind, and self-sabotage looms over her shoulder, as if its whispering in her ear to tell her it's a bad idea. he still manages to be the voice on top of all her doubts at the end of the day.
THE THOUGHT OF LOVE twisted her stomach into knots. even the mere thought of simply asking a guy for his number made her body churn with anxiety and the looming feeling of rejection held over her head.
relationships never lasted for her because she wouldn't let them, the idea of getting too attached and the possibility of it shattering her heart was too great to risk it. she would watch from afar, stalk his socials, but never had the guts to approach him, or even look his way.
all throughout high school, she dreamed of a relationship that others around her had, but she lacked everything they didn't. social skills were never her things, and confidence was something she always lacked. she just wanted to be a teenage girl in love, and she wouldn't get that. she wasn't sure she ever would.
she felt as though she was unloveable. even though it was so easy for her to give love, it was far harder to accept it. if anything, it was impossible for her to even imagine doing so. her trust was a thin thread that always seemed to snap. no matter how many times she tried to re-tie it, it always came back undone.
it wasn't like she never liked any guys, boy she did, but the chase factor was a part of every single one. she never had guys come to her, and she would never go to a guy. still, she chased and chased, yet she never caught up. she worried she never would.
she worried she would never experience the thrill of being in a relationship, all because that thrill was shrouded with anxiety, uncertainty and distrust, though the distrust mostly lied within herself. deeply rooted in her brain was the idea that she wasn't capable of ever accepting she could be loved, that someone would ever be so patient, understanding, and wanting.
she wanted it so bad, yet she felt like this. it felt stupid, she felt stupid. she felt like a walking contradiction because she couldn't make up her mind. her heart wanted one thing, and her mind shut it out. a defense mechanism that she felt could never disable, that tinkering with it would only worsen the intensity. deep breaths only temporarily stopped the nausea that plagued her stomach, but only giving the man, the one she so desperately craved to be with, up would change how she felt.
she was a hopeless romantic at heart, but at mind, she was never going to let love in. as much as she held out her accepting arms, vines adorned with thorns grew through her veins, lacing her fingertips with sharp edges to cut back anyone who would try to get close.
the week leading up to finally getting his number went by so painfully slow; she had built herself up too high in those days. she worried she would come crumbling down before she even managed the chance of getting close. from afar she watched, glances exchanged and she gushed to her friends, but she could never be so sure that they were meant for her. after all, she was just an employee for ferrari, he was an athlete in the sport.
her friends were unsure if the brunette was the right fit for the girl, if he was even attainable at all. he was known for being a red flag among fans, he literally drives for a team based around the color red. she didn't care, she was convinced he was right for her, but still she was scared she wasn't his type. she knew he wasn't taken, his entire private life, which was never even private to begin with, was broadcasted across the internet. if he had found someone new, she would know, and for now he hadn't.
oh, she desperately wanted to be a wag. who wouldn't? her job made it complicated though, she worked under the team, she didn't have authority anywhere, she was a nobody. she never knew how she managed to catch his striking gaze to begin with.
she thought she would've looked like an idiot, an awkward, nervous girl in front of the charles leclerc, prince of ferrari. she felt like one, maybe she was, but the way he looked down at the shorter girl gave her the courage she needed to mutter the words she had thought about saying everyday for the past week.
"uh—could i get your number?" she barely managed out, she was nervous, it was evident in her tone and the way her voice was up an octave. his brunette hair and green eyes were enchanting, she had fantasized about him for that week. she even went as far as making a playlist to listen to to occupy her time, laying around when she wasn't at her job. she had never been this lovesick for a guy in her entire life until she first laid eyes on him.
the sick feeling in her stomach became all too familiar, she hated it at first, but now she began to feel comfort in the sickness, and began to miss it over the weekend. the mopey love feeling of hopelessness while listening to lana del rey, or mitski. the fantasization of how the scenario would play out in her favor etched itself into her brain.
the moment of silence was harsh, she could feel the rejection coming. she braced herself for it, holding her breath.
he looked down at her with those damn eyes, a certain gleam in the light reflection over his pupils, part of her knew his response before he did. a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips as he pursed his lips to hide the smile forcing its way on his face.
he couldn't deny the pretty girl in front of him, he could tell she dolled herself up for this, for him. he wouldn't let her efforts go to waste, but that wasn't the sole reason he didn't reject her. her confidence sparked something inside of him.
he had plenty of girls who threw themselves at him, buying him drinks, or whatever they could to get their hands on him and themselves in his bed. she was different, a breath of fresh air in the fog. her awkward nervousness was endearing. he hadn't meant to leave her hanging so long, but he admired her.
his smile brightened, looking down at the phone she clutched so tightly, her skin began turning white. "of course, darling."
she certainly hadn't expected to hear the words and yet she did. she was so unprepared, scrambling through her phone. should she write it in her notes app? should she go ahead and shoot him a text? what should she send? should she send a 'hi' text? should she send him an imessage game? the music she had listened to throughout the week hadn't prepared her for this.
his brow raised at her, his arms crossed in front of him as he watched her panic slightly. he was so patient, waiting for her cue that she was ready to take his number and save it in her phone. he recited the string of numbers to her and she smiled internally. she was so giddy inside, yet she couldn't show it. she couldn't show how much this excited her, but she would talk her friend's ear off at her actions because for once she had done something to take a step forward towards a relationship she wanted.
"thank you!" she squeaked out, mentally facepalming—she sounded a little too grateful for something as simple as his phone number. she couldn't wait to run far away and into the corner of her work office, hiding behind her job position.
he smiled as she scurried off, looking at his phone as it lit up at the movement. he knew to expect the text from the girl later, not now though, because he could feel the nervousness radiating from her body.
later that night, he had received the very text he had been waiting to see. an unsaved number with a blank contact photo he knew was her without reading the contents of the message. his stomach fluttered at the words in the texts, and the following imessage game, 8 ball. it was oh, so endearing to him.
the text contained a simple 'hiii' and a simple reminder that she was the girl who asked for his number—as if he had been handing his number out to other people. he texted back, it was simple enough because he didn't want to scare her off, but he also didn't want her to overwhelm with worry that he just wasn't interested in her. he was.
simple texts throughout the day, telling each other what they're doing, company lunches whenever they had time. flying her out to watch his races, inviting her to his drivers room to watch the race from there because the possibility of their relationship becoming a reality was just a secret for now. the entire process he was just so understanding, it baffled her. he was gentle, like a dog laying their head in your lap, so blissful and light. days he would lay across a couch with his head in her lap as he let her mess with the strands of his dark, brunette hair. she commented on different, potential haircuts his mother could give him and he chuckled at the ridiculous ones she suggested.
something so simple showed her the trust he gave her, the trust he was slowly earning.
slowly, they hung out more. instead of spending time in clubs after podiums, he spent time with her in his drivers room, or a restaurant about to close—he would leave a hefty tip for the inconvenience.
eventually, she would appear in his garage, watching with a headset on her ears, simply posing as a ferrari employee holding more importance than she really did—except to charles, she held all the importance in the world.
she never knew how he didn't get pricked by the thorns adorning her body, how not a scratch tainted his even skin, not a drop of blood.
maybe it was because he knew that behind the thorns that laced her body, waiting was a rose. a reward so sacred and so fragile. to be shielded from the world in his very arms was her trust, her love, her mind, her thoughts, her everything.
in his arms, she felt everything she longed for; security, openness, trust, loyalty. he showed her what her heart was worth.