I stare at the dashboard from the passenger seat, my eyes are fixated on the numbers and dials that offer no solace. The illuminated symbols mock my anxiety.
The speedometer needle dances erratically, mirroring the racing thoughts in my mind. Every click of the turn signal feels like a countdown, amplifying the tension that coils within me.
My eyes land on my lover who sits next to me in the driver's seat. I finally say to him,
"Do we really have to do this tonight?"
I'm happy to keep avoiding this part of our relationship for as long as we possibly can. In the past, or at least in my personal experience, adding more people to the mix ruins the bond you've built.
Other people have the ability to break the bubble you've sheltered your relationship in. They can expose reality for what it is.
I don't doubt Evin and I's genuine connection but I don't know what other people would think or feel about it.
The man is a few years older than me to start with. Most people may feel we're mismatched because of that alone.
Evin insisted it's time I meet his friends, but what if they don't like me? What if they think I'm with him for his money, or I'm not good enough for him?
"Babe, they'll love you."
Yeah but what if they don't? What if they warn him against me and he listens? What then?
"You're cute when you're nervous. Don't worry, I love you, and they'll love you too. Okay?"
I nod my head as if his words succeed in toning down my anxiety, they don't.
I've officially gotten to a point where I'm scared to lose him. Evin was a light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel. Any threat to that is a threat to me.
As we speed down the road, the trees blur past, their branches reach out like elongated fingers. They seem to whisper secrets to each other, their rustling leaves create a symphony of uncertainty.
The once calming sight of nature now adds to the pressure weighing heavily on my chest.
Do they know about the cheating? Do they know I'm divorced and I'm a single mother?
From what he said, they're all married with kids. Married people tend to be a bit judgy to those who don't seem to have their wits about.
I try to focus on the passing scenery, hoping it will distract me from my unease.
My lover extends his hand to hold mine and I release a smile at his sweetness. The chilling contact brings about a certain solace in my heart. A reminder that we're journeying through this together.
No matter what the outcome of this meeting will be, I trust that the foundation we've built is strong enough to weather any storm.
Maybe the benefit of being with someone so much older than me is they're not easily influenced by peer pressure.
Evin knows what he wants and that's one of the many things I love about me. For whatever reason, he wants me... he chose me, so I have to trust that he knew what he was doing.
My sudden frame of thought finally eases my mind. I'm still anxious but certainly not as anxious as I was earlier. I almost lied about having plans to avoid this dinner.
We soon arrive at a restaurant a little further into the suburbs. Somerset West is known as a family town and I'm not surprised this is where his friends live.
He opens the passenger door for me after stepping out himself and we're both soon walking hand in hand as we enter the family-friendly restaurant.
Kids play outside on the designated play areas, accompanied by the restaurant staff while the adults are inside relishing in their cuisines and refreshments.
I catch a brief smile on Evin's face at the sight. This is his dream; the suburban life.
We already live in a suburb-like neighborhood back in Cape Town, but this is different. This is bigger, and unlike our neighborhood, it doesn't need to be gated and under constant surveillance.
It's the kind of place you raise a family in, far away from the bustling city and its endless red flags.
Everything is at your convenience and you don't have to worry about your kids playing outside on their own.
It's a safe haven for families and I can already see the tables turning in Evin's head. It's cute really.
As we walk closer to a table filled almost to its entirety, a small kid runs into Evin's arms. I watch him play around with him and ignore my womb's sudden cry for attention.
I already have my hands full with Zoe.
A brunette older woman walks towards me from the table, causing me to twiddle my thumbs nervously. I guess this is where the judgment begins.
"Hi, I'm Celia, you must be Isabella, it's so nice to finally meet you. My word! You are even more gorgeous in person."
Her tone sounds sweet enough that she just may be genuine. As a survival tactic, I decide that she is.
It's immediately clear that Evin has raved about me by how welcoming and excited they all seem to be to see me, but it still takes me a while to settle in after getting introduced to everyone.
Evin and I join them at the table, and as expected, the questions start pouring in.
"So, you met at the restaurant, right?"
My eyes land on Evin's for a brief moment and I already know he didn't tell them the whole story.
I get it. Why mention we met when I was married to someone else? That only leaves room for assumptions and ridicule.
As much as I understand his choice to not reveal our past, I can't help but,
"We actually met long before that. Jess used to work for me, that's how we ended up crossing paths. And then earlier this year, I was really down on my luck after my divorce, single mother... no job. Evin helped me out - he took me and my Zoe out of that misery. We somehow found love in all that."
If there's one thing I'm not ashamed of, it's my daughter. I am definitely one of those mothers who'll randomly mention Zoe even when no one asks.
"That's a lovely story. We're honestly all glad someone managed to catch his eye after all these years. It could've been anyone really..."
The table erupts in laughter at the last part. It takes me a moment to register the words as they were intended before I join in on the laughter.
It's no secret that Evin hadn't dated much after Jess's mother. I know there have been a few attempts at a relationship but none of them were ever substantial enough for him to even introduce them to his friends.
So I do understand where they're coming from.
"You are one of the waitresses at La Chèvre then?"
As expected, the questions keep coming. I truly didn't imagine anything other than this.
"Well... as of tomorrow, I'll officially be the manager."
"Oh, what happened to Amos? He was great!"
"His feet grew too big for his shoes. I gave him too much freedom and I had to let him go because of it."
Evin beats me to my answer. The table goes quiet after his reveal, so as an attempt to rid us of the sudden tension, I say,
"Amos really was great."
Even though no one asks, I feel the need to defend my competence,
"I used to manage my own company so I do have experience. Evin promoted me because he knew I could run the business. I also enrolled in a business management course just to help with additional skill sets."
They seem to accept that explanation and soon after, endless more questions are unloaded on us. Evin and I do our best to answer as we eat and drink.
I'm having virgin mimosas and he's having wine which he promised he'll only limit to 2 since he's driving.
If there's one thing I've learned about Evin's friends so far, it's that they truly care for him. The many questions are only a symptom of that.
They've seen him at his lowest possible moment and they're doing their part to prevent it from happening again. I decide that I like them, even if it's for that reason only.
Later that evening, a conversation about Evin and I's future ensues. I notice a few discrepancies between his and I's very vague responses.
When we finally get back on the road to head to the city after the pleasant dinner with his friends, I hear him say,
"I'm looking at houses in Somerset and Stellenbosch. It's a great area to raise a family. Zoe would love it here."
I can't help but smile at how he always includes my daughter and I in his plans. Somerset and Stellenbosch really are amazing places to raise a family.
"I'm thinking a nice big backyard. Pool, tennis court, gotta make it entertaining for the kids. And for you, wouldn't want you getting bored at home with them."
The earlier discrepancy reveals itself again.
I carefully turn my face to him, realizing that we never had this conversation before, so I can't really blame him for his words.
Perhaps this is a good time to talk about what we both want for our individual futures and how we can work towards bringing those futures together.
Evin wants suburbia, and I don't mind suburbia, it's just that,
"I see myself being more of a working mom."
If there's one thing I learned after my divorce, it's to seek and maintain independence. If not for myself then for my daughter.
I birthed a successful company that was entirely funded by my ex-husband and it only took one word, 'divorce', for it to crumble down to the ground.
I didn't have a say and I lost everything. I can't let myself or Zoe go through that again.
"You don't need to be a working mother, I'm here and I got us covered. You know that right?"
I do, and somehow I don't doubt that one bit. He's never made me feel like I'm on my own. But still,
"I know you do. I just want to have independence babe, you know what happened with..."
"Olli? Your ex-husband? He was an idiot and a coward for taking away your business. It was a petty move and I would never do that to you. I just want to give you the world, Izzy, why won't you let me?"
His tone is emotional and my heart breaks for him.
I can't be mad that he wants to give me the world, but I wish he would understand where I'm coming from instead of taking defense. My insecurities have nothing to do with him.
"I just want us to be open and honest about..."
"Open and honest? Like you were about your enrolment? Were you going to tell me eventually or was I meant to find out at the same time as my friends?"
I'm immediately reminded of the many times I kept putting back telling him about the enrolment.
I didn't know where to begin but that's no excuse.
Even though Evin and I had never spoken about this, I always sensed he wanted suburbia. He may have hinted at it a few times... I've seen the way he looks at it.
He's never said this either but I knew he wanted a stay-at-home wife.
I didn't want to crash his dreams. I hate disappointing him.
But it's clear to me that I ended up doing exactly that when I see him tighten his grip on the steering wheel. He's angry - a rare emotion for him.
I can only imagine what he must've felt hearing the news with everyone else.
He's such a gentleman for not bringing up his lack of awareness in front of everyone. I hate to have put him through that.
"Babe, I was going to tell you."
It's true. I was.
I didn't intend to never say anything about it. I just kept pushing it because somehow the time was never right.
"I'm sorry, my love."
Evin is very sensitive and emotions are difficult for him to process. On the outside, he looks like a man who has everything figured out, on the inside he carries bruises not even I know about.
I've always suspected a big part of it may have to do with his upbringing - Jess's mother simply deepened the existing wound. He doesn't like talking about his childhood. In fact, I'm yet to hear him speak about his parents.
"Babe?"
I suddenly remember he hasn't spoken for a while.
"Babe, I'm sorry for not telling you. That was stupid and unnecessary."
He barely acknowledges me and I know he's reached a certain threshold of upset. I have to give him his space during this time.
So we ride the rest of the way in silence.
Zoe is at a sleepover with some friends. So that means the silence will carry over pretty much until the night ends.
When he's really upset with me, he walks away or avoids me for a few minutes. It's because he doesn't want to say something he'll regret. I've learned to accept that about him, it's hardly a red flag.
He always wants to be in the right headspace, especially involving serious topics regarding our relationship.
Still in silence, we enter through the door after arriving at his very dark house.
Upon entering, I turn to my left to switch on the lights but my forehead crashes forcefully into the wall. It takes me a moment to register what happened.
I then slide down on the floor to cry my pain away.