As I was falling in the elevator preparing for a huge crash, I just realized that for the first time I was going in blind. Fuck. Considering how dangerous things are getting, planet level dangerous if what Tessa said is any indication, I'm gonna be screwed unless I get some plot armor. Well I've gotten lucky enough so far, just hope it lasts. I was brought back to reality by the elevator finally crashing and tossing us out.
Me: Well that was unpleasant.
N began attacking the rocks, but he so distracted by that he didn't notice he was launching them at us.
N: Uzi! Help! Use your Solver!
Tessa: N, watch it!
He accidentally threw a large boulder at Uzi, who split it apart with her Solver. One of the rocks nailed me in face and cracked my visor.
Uzi: I... don't think I sh-should. I'm sorry, N.
N: -Oh, no, no. It's okay. Uzi, I - I am so sorry-
Tessa: Enough, N. We'll save V after we finish here. Uzi, let's have you sit this one out, eh? Box over there. Robots like boxes, right?
Uzi: What? No, I-
Me: Dude seriously?
Tessa: N.
N: Uzi, there, um... might be some stuff down here that you don't want to see.
Uzi: Ohhhh, what the hell is going on?
Me: Lot of freaky shit.
N: Nothing!(N glares at me) We don't know everything yet, but...we're not gonna hurt you. Okay?
Uzi: -Hurt me?
Uzi's creates a small black hole.
Me: Fuck! Get rid of it!
She tried to but it caused a cave in. N tries walking forward, but Uzi steps away, separating her away from the rest of the us as the tunnel collapses. N was knocked out, and I got both legs pinned under some boulders.
Me: I thought steel was supposed to be super effective against rock, not the other way around. N? Hey buddy, wake up. Dude?
No response.
Me: Hopefully he's not out long.
I stayed on guard while I tried breaking the rocks but had no luck, so I just played some games while keeping an ear open for any threats. N finally woke up and tried to get up, but he was stuck too.
N: UZI! UZI!
Me: She's not here, we got separated after the cave in. Also I'm stuck too, any ideas?
He looks at his left hand and sighs.
N: I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this.
Me: Whoa! Really? First of all none of this is your fault, secondly I was really hoping for a less slice and dicey solution.
We then heard giggling and saw V waving at us. I pulled out a saw too.
Me: Never mind.
N: AAAHHHHHHH!
V: I missed you, N. Who's your friend?
We both started panicking and rapidly sawing our limbs off.
N: Thank you, mine shaft trauma ghost! I can hear you fine from there!
Me: I'm AK and that's all you need to know!
V: You know, you're one of the main reasons I wanted your team to retain your personalities.
N stops sawing, oh you idiot!
V: You always surprised me.
Cyn grabbed him and pulled him closer.
Cyn: Loved doing anything.
She hugged him and he just froze. While N was out of comission, Cyn looked directly at me.
Cyn: I never expected someone else to show up, I'd love to know your story. You can explain when we're done with this planet.
At that point I switched to missiles and blasted my legs off. Along with my lower torso. I tried crawling away but she snatched me up in her claws. Also N finally snapped out of whatever was going on.
Solver: Thanks for clearing the way on this planet you 2. Let's eat.
She disappeared into a hologram, and dragged us away screaming. We tried attacking but had no luck, it was especially easy for me to get got since I was only half a drone right now. Then I heard the sound of something being chopped, then a heart showed up. I was getting Heartbeat flashbacks
Heart: Hup! Why is Cyn after her own murder pets? You 2 stupid or something?
Me: A series of unfortunate events lead to this scenario.
N: Yeah, what he said.
Heart: Cool by me, then. Drive.
Me: Hey I need you to carry me too!
The Solver roars and N runs carrying us both.
Me: I shoot, you run!
While I was doing that, the Heart started talking again.
Heart: Hey, you look familiar. Watch the road. You got wings?
N: Um, I guess-
Heart: Focus! Left! Think you can get this cross to the surface? I'm lookin' for a hunk named Khan.
N/Me: Uzi's dad? What-/Wait. Are you N-
Using its' Solver, the Heart suddenly slams N into the wall of a side tunnel. Luckily the Eldritch rushes past us.
Me: Phew, that was close.
Heart: How do you know my daughter?
Well that confirms that.
N: I've met her! How do you know her?
Nori: Well.....
She proceeded to explain a bunch of stuff that would definitely be a flashback if I were watching this. Holy shit, turns out the Solver is curable.
Nori: Then, the planet kinda half-imploded anyway. The humans all- (she did a throat slicing gesture, and started gagging)
Woke up on the surface, brain scrambled enough to have a kid, and the rest is dumb stupid history.
N claps, I just gave a thumbs up. Also my bottom half finally regenerated.
Nori: Stop that. Now, the Solver's found its way back to finish the job. Who's its host?
Me: Uhhhhhhhhh fuck. N, you tell her.
N: Um... like, Uzi? And a red-eyed, uh-
Nori: Yeva's kid. I know, dummy. Which one was just trying to eat us?
Me: Neither, I think? I dunno. It looked like another drone named Cyn before turning into that monstrousity.
Nori: Just hurry, stupids.
She released N from the wall.
N: O-Of course! Uzi's gonna freak out when I tell h-
Nori pins N again.
Nori: Tell her I'm alive, you die.
She turned to me.
Nori: Same goes for you.
N: Sorry, ma'am. I won't keep secrets from Uzi anymore, even if you say it might hurt her.
Nori drops N to the ground.
Nori: Nuance alert, ma'am. I caused every horror in her life. Destroyed the planet, got you things sicced here-
N: Gave her ungodly eldritch genetics! Blah!
Nori: No time! Promise.
Me: Ease up Nori.
Nori: No. I gotta make sure he listens! Don't think I won't do the same to you.
Me: I won't say anything if you don't want me to.
Nori: Glad we understand each other.
N speaks muffled, Nori lifts the cross back up.
N: I promise. To wait until you're ready to tell her yourself?
Nori: Ugh. Bite me.
Me: Heh, you really are Uzi's mom. Come on N, let's go.
We continued through the tunnels, and eventually came to an opening with a church.
Me: The fuck? I did not expect to see a whole ass building underground.
N: Me neither, let's see if we can find Uzi in there.
We flew in and heard Tessa and Uzi. When we got to them I saw Tessa about to kill her, but N put a stop to it.
N: You knew about the patch, yes or no? One chance.
Tessa: Cute. You know why I keep you around, N-
N fucking decapitated her, making her head roll away leaving a trail of blood.
Me: Damn N, was not expecting that from you. Also she seemed way too calm about being threatened.
N: If it means protecting Uzi, then I'll do whatever it takes. Also knowing her feelings towards me, of course she wouldn't expect me to go through with it.
Me: I see, you should probably check on Uzi.
N: Right. Hey, buddy. Yeah, that should help. All I know is, I need you... to figure things out... together.
Uzi suddenly crushes N's hand as he helps her up. She starts to giggle, and destroys the cross.
Me: We're fucked.
Solver Possessed Uzi: That's very sweet, big brother.
She pinned the both of us.
S.P.U.: Too bad you've served your purpose. Don't worry. Your backups will forgive me. And since you caught my interest and have no backups, I'll be keeping you alive.
Me: Why does that sound worse than dying?
Suddenly, a pickaxe flies by, deflecting Uzi's claws right as she was about to kill N.
Me: Just in time.
She proceeded to slice off Uzi's additional limbs.
Solver Uzi: Nori? You're dead.
Nori: You're frickin grounded.
Me: I don't think she cares.
Solver Uzi: Angry
Solver Uzi regenerates a claw, and tries to swipe at N and Nori. N flies up, and Nori throws her pickaxe at Solver Uzi's face. N prepares to shoot her with his laser cannon, but hesitates.
Me: Dammit N!
I prepared my lasers but Solver Uzi quickly intercepted and decapitated me. By the time my head grew back I saw Solver Uzi about to eat Nori with N defeated on the ground. I charged at her and as I was about to strike I heard N.
N: Nori! I should mention, Uzi and I, uh...
I stopped.
Me: Huh?
Solver Uzi looks down.
N wrote "HANG OUT? We just kinda are hanging out a lot idk" with some hearts.
Solver Uzi: What?
Nori: Uzi Doorman! Those things killed your frickin mother!
Nori slapped Solver Uzi and sent her crashing into the ground.
Me: HAHA! I shouldn't be laughing but this is hilarious!
Uzi: 0W! 1'm n0t- H3y, lady! You don't frickin own me!
N: Haha-aaaAAH!
Uzi kicks Nori into the giant hole.
I stopped laughing.
Me: Oh shit.
My jaw dropped.
N: Uzi!
Uzi: What?! We did not discuss being gross and-UGGGHHH!!! AND YOU!!! DONT' LAUGH AT ME!!!!
She kept yelling incomprehensibly.
N: That was your mom!
Uzi: What?!
N: Wait, no
Both of them were shrieking before hugging.
Me: Okaaayyy.....we done? Everything good?
Uzi: I hope so. Being possessed is not fun.
N: Glad that's ove-
At that moment we heard some gross fleshy noises. Turns out Tessa wasn't actually Tessa.
Me: Oh-
Uzi: my-
N: God.
Cyn: (laughing) Oh, yes. Get snuck upon.
Me: I give up. This isn't fun anymore.
Cyn: Neck bite.
She lunges at N's neck. Uzi tries to stop her, but gets stabbed. Before I could do anything I lost my arms and legs.
Cyn: Stab. Slice. It's been fun. And, also, that's sarcasm. Honestly, I'm starving.
Cyn jumps in the hole and massive yellow light emerges from it.
Me: Well, it's been a fun ride. Glad I met you guys, but I guess this is it. Goodbye N and Uzi.
A bunch of tentacles and started to pull us in, one pierced my visor and I was in a completely empty abyss of nothingness.